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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put first

44 replies

user1471451684 · 03/11/2016 18:22

So, everyone on here always says that the kids come first no matter what. My husband has always disagreed with this. He always says that he puts me first before him and the kids. His logic is that by looking after my needs and and ensuring that I am not worried or stressed it insures that we have health and positive relationship.

Obviously I do still worry about stuff but he does his best to deal with things.

Because we are unified and happy Our kids then pick up on relationship and feed off it. Kind of if mummy is happy, everyone is happy.

Now it works for us but I find it difficult to explain that to people and I often get strange looks.....is it that strange?

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Bluntness100 · 03/11/2016 18:25

I dunno, but I find the concept of anyone coming "first" as very strange in the extreme, we are a family of three and we are all as important as the other.no one is first or worse last.

alltouchedout · 03/11/2016 18:26

I find it strange, yes. What if something that makes you happy is not actually in the dc's best interests? Why does the health and wellbeing of the family depend on you- not anyone else, just you- being happy?

Soubriquet · 03/11/2016 18:27

My Dh is the same much to my frustration

If he serves food, he serves me first

No!! I can relax and eat my food better, if the kids are served first.

NotAnotherNameChangeAgain · 03/11/2016 18:28

Why would you ever need to explain it to people? It doesn't seem like a typical topic of conversation, certainly not one that would be described as "often"

FatOldBag · 03/11/2016 18:28

How often do you explain it, and why?
If the children are both of yours then looking after you is in the children's interests anyway, whereas when the children are his and not yours the interests are more separate.

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 03/11/2016 18:29

We are a family we are all equally important hower dc are dependants so obviously all their needs have to be provided by me and dh

Bluntness100 · 03/11/2016 18:32

I'm curious too, why do you have to explain it to people? What's causing the need for explanation? I've never once had to tell people, hey we are all as important as each other, and as such we are all happy. It's kind of strange, but if uou need to explain it there must be a reason?

And who do you place first? Do you also do the same ranking system of your family?

missmollyhadadolly · 03/11/2016 18:32

Also not sure why you would need to explain this to anyone.

I don't think I've ever asked anyone who they put first.

Plus, this puts pressure on you to be happy because everyone else's happiness depends on you.

Wrinklytights · 03/11/2016 18:32

I don't understand why you have to explain it either. It's no one else's business. I also agree with PP that no one should really come first in a family, but you should try to balance everyone's needs as far as possible.

Original poster
user1471451684 · 03/11/2016 18:34

It doesn't come up that often but when it does I think about it for a while

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Original poster
user1471451684 · 03/11/2016 18:35

I agree that we should be equally important and I feel that our partnership is equal.

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Pallisers · 03/11/2016 18:48

His logic is that by looking after my needs and and ensuring that I am not worried or stressed it insures that we have health and positive relationship.

This is kind of odd to me. You are an adult. Of course you are going to be worried or stressed sometimes. Have a good partner means you can share that worry or have the one best able to deal with it take over. But it doesn't mean life isn't going to have any bad bits. no one can make that happen.

I also don't understand how it would be noticed by other people. Does he get visibly uptight if you are subjected to any stress whatsoever? Does he noticeably run around after you making sure nothing troubles you? If so I can imagine people would wonder what he is so afraid of happening?

As a matter of interest, what does happen if you are worried or stressed?

Original poster
user1471451684 · 03/11/2016 18:53

No he doesn't run around, but he is alert to what stresses me out and deals with those things.

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Pallisers · 03/11/2016 18:59

But isn't that what most people in a long term relationship do? DH gets stressed at doing our taxes so I do them. I hate booking flights home so he does that for me. We divide up things based on what stresses us out a bit. I bet you do the same for him - take over some tasks that he might find stressful.

Bluntness100 · 03/11/2016 19:04

Is he a lot older than you maybe and treats you like a child? Or do you suffer from anxiety issues maybe? Where uou need someone to take control?

Sorry, just trying to understand because it's a fairly weird thing to post, which is saying something considering some of the stuff posted 😂.

gamerwidow · 03/11/2016 19:08

I think it's odd for anyone to be put first all the time. The needs of my family fluctuate all the time sometimes dds needs will come to the fore, sometimes mine and sometimes DH.
I think if your needs really were considered over and above be everyone else all the time that would make you a bit spoilt.

Original poster
user1471451684 · 03/11/2016 19:08

We are the same age within 5 months (I am older) I have a short fuse, he is very laid back. There are things that stress him out too and I do help him out. For instance it's deer hunting season here and he is worried about not getting a deer (out annual meat supply) so this year I have got my license and I'll be joining him and my son (live in the US)

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AuntieStella · 03/11/2016 19:11

"So, everyone on here always says that the kids come first no matter what."

I disagree. I'm not the only one who has posted that the whole mindset of 'ranking' and 'coming first' is just the wrong mindset. Everyone needs to be loved, and to have their needs met, and those needs vary depending on whether they are small DC, teens or you lover/life partner.

Or as I vaguely remember a name MNetter nice putting it, if I love my wife as I love my DC she'd probably be bored stiff, if I love my DC as I love my wife I'd be arrested.

It's apples and pears, and not helpful. Unless of course as might be the case here, it's actually highlights some other issue in the spousal relationship that has led to a need to point-score.

Bruce02 · 03/11/2016 19:12

Sorry but I find it odd that your husband tries to shield you from normal adult things.

I find always putting kids first weird and I find always putting the mother or father first weird.

Dh is older than me and did try to parent me for a while, provide a stress free life etc. It was bloody awful. I am an adult and don't need sheltering from the world. Thankfully he isn't that way anymore.

missmollyhadadolly · 03/11/2016 19:12

To take it to a very basic level - if your food supply was running out and you only had enough to feed the kids or an adult, who would your DH feed - you or the kids?

Bluntness100 · 03/11/2016 19:15

Ok, are you saying then he doesn't really care for the kids so well? He only focuses on you? So in turn uou have to focus on the kids?

I'm sorry, but I'm struggling to see your point, I don't think the kids come first, I don't see many who do, but a much more balanced approach in terms of equality within the family and meeting the evolving needs of any family member at a given time.

Original poster
user1471451684 · 03/11/2016 19:18

In your basic scenario I don't know what he would do in the past situations like that he or my son have gone out to fish or hunt!

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Matchstickbox · 03/11/2016 19:22

I think it's sweet.
Happy wife, happy life type of thing.

Original poster
user1471451684 · 03/11/2016 19:22

I don't really feel sheltered or protected, I do deal with things. No he does focus on the kids he is a great father. He helps outa lot around the house, the kids see this, and they want to help out too I guess he is leading by example.

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Original poster
user1471451684 · 03/11/2016 19:23

Matchstickbox I think that is a good phrase

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