To be put first

[user1471451684]

So, everyone on here always says that the kids come first no matter what. My husband has always disagreed with this. He always says that he puts me first before him and the kids. His logic is that by looking after my needs and and ensuring that I am not worried or stressed it insures that we have health and positive relationship.

Obviously I do still worry about stuff but he does his best to deal with things.

Because we are unified and happy Our kids then pick up on relationship and feed off it. Kind of if mummy is happy, everyone is happy.

Now it works for us but I find it difficult to explain that to people and I often get strange looks.....is it that strange?

It's true tho. Not to the detriment of yourself but by keeping those you love happy they In Turn can keep you happy.
I think about this type of thing a lot too. But am not totally good at being so selfless.

Matchstickbox Yes I believe that is what it is, I have a issue with the communication of that to others I guess, that's where I fall over

So, everyone on here always says that the kids come first no matter what

No they don't.
What a daft statement. so for that alone YABU.

It's not so much not putting the children first though, more about ensuring the parents relationship is good to sustainan a family's core....

Ok, OP, I think you lead quite a rugged life compared to my suburban existence, so I am now thinking YANBU.

I'm imagining you with a big, tough, Montana man who braves all weather to provide for his woman and children. It sounds like a Harlequin novel I'm quite jealous now!

But why do you have to communicate it to others? Are people telling you you have an easy life or he is too good to you or something? If so they are out of order.

surely it depends on the moment in time. generally what's in the best interest of us all as a family is the priority.
but day to day individuals get prioritised by circumstance. for example dh goes to a kickboxing class one evening. the kids and i prefer it when he's home, but he needs to do something for himself occasionally.
ds1 has issues with food, he would be prioritised when deciding where to eat out for example.
i suffer from anxiety, sometimes reducing or avoiding triggers for panic attack has to be the priority.
everyone in our family is equally important and is considered in every big decision, and most little decisions too.
seems odd that one person would be seen as 'more important' tho. maybe that's why you're getting funny looks.

Missmolly yes it is quite rugged, we have a homestead in the woods (Great North Woods) on the NH Canadian border. DH is a outdoors type and I guess our lifestyle is old fashioned. We wouldn't have it any other way though!

Palli, we met up with some friends a few days ago and a comment along the lines of me having a easy life and I explained our situation, probability not very well

I think we both put our daughter first. Not in the sense of her being totally spoilt little princess but we are definitely looking after her needs first before ours. I don't think she's aware of it though and we definitely wouldn't tell her, it stinks of martyrdom.

Actually sounds quite a demeaning situation to me!

Wifey and mummy must only worry about menial matters, husband and father looks after important matters and does worrying. Wifey must not be troubled.

Sorry, I prefer a much more equal relationship and responsible shared marriage. I'm an adult in my own right and do not need another adult to deal with my worries. I find your situation quite yuck!

But that's me and each to there own!

Had to google it, looks breathtakingly beautiful! I'm even more jealous now!

Sounds like you have a lovely life with a Harlequin hero

Thanks, it is a beautiful place to live and raise kids

I guess our family worries are different to the majority of families. I do feel our relationship is equal

I have never felt the need to make a choice between DD and DW. I guess, in extremis (such as the house being on fire) I would possibly try and rescue DD first - but obviously really it would be both at the same time.

It sounds a bit princessy like that 'happy wife, happy life' philosophy. Wives must be put on a pedestal and deferred to at all times. I'm afraid, I think it is unhealthy and bad for everyone in the family. Everyone has needs and should be treated as individuals. It sounds like an old fashioned scenario where the man of the house can do whatever he wants. Surely you would want your children to be treated with equal consideration so that they grow up to be well rounded, respectful adults and not feel like second class citizens.
I do think it is a smug and very odd post. I am surprised that you are comfortable with your role as Queen Bee, more entitled than anyone else.

Palli, we met up with some friends a few days ago and a comment along the lines of me having a easy life and I explained our situation, probability not very well

Next time this happens, don't explain anything. Instead say "yes DH is great but he also knows how great I am - do you want more pie"

Take the wonderful line of never explain, never apologise.

Maybe when they are little this works fine, but I think (especially with sons) this kind of attitude rears an ugly head during teenage years when hormoanes are flying. FIL has similar attitude, and gets very cross with MIL when she priorities her children. He turned round to my dp when was fifteen and told him 'your mother will always come first to me', which wasn't great for dp to hear tbh and it's something he still gets grumpy about when it's brought up. It's a bit of an Oedipus Rex situation.

I do think though a lot of men feel the same way as your dp.