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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU on house guest etiquette?

91 replies

Rudolphthered · 03/11/2016 14:37

First time on here so please be kind! I know this is trivial but it really gets to me. Family help us out with childcare in addition to DD's nursery days but when it's the turn of my FIL I find it hard to bite my tongue.

I fully appreciate the favour he is doing for us, but find he acts differently at ours to when he's in his own home. MIL was the same when she helped out - which almost led to divorce!!

He always comes down the night before which wasn't originally agreed, but fine went along with that. For a slim man he eats a LOT! He will happily eat through all our cheese, fruit and veg. I'm not always around but he has never once asked if it's OK. To me this seems rude. On one occasion he'd eaten at lunch what I was going to give DD for tea..... I hadn't had time to go shopping (I work), so had to think quickly!

He never arrives with food or drink but expects evening meal and wine. We don't pay him so you could argue that's fair enough. But once or twice as a gesture of goodwill would be nice.

He also has habit of leaving all kitchen cupboard doors and drawers open. Will spill stuff on floor and leave for me to clean up. Generally there are poo crumbs left on loo seat (!!!!!) and toothpaste all over towel. Never seen any of this at theirs. Although I don't inspect the towels or loose 😄😄

He has a bad habit of undermining me with my DD. His childcare is OK but very patchy when comes to food etc.. he's not aggressive just passive aggressive maybe?

I can't talk about it with DH as I'm told I'm ungrateful and rude. Like I said it's all small stuff but it's been building up all year!

He's also failed to mention to me when DD has fallen over. Am not going to have a go at him because accidents happen. But seriously? How us he being responsible?

Sorry for rant! Don't think he likes me a great deal. 99% sure he didn't speak to me on our wedd8ng day...

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 03/11/2016 15:14

Well my mum spends the night before she has my children. If she didn't she'd have to be up at 6am and out by 6.30am so she'd get to ours on time.

I would never, ever expect her to bring gifts - she's the one doing us a favour. And I expect to feed her too.

When small, my kids would fall over several times a day on average I wouldn't expect to be told about it unless they'd hit their heads hard. Skinned knees etc are fairly self explanitory and normal.

If your FiL is truly eating more than £40 a day of food, then obviously it would be sensible to pay a childminder but a grown man eating the food put aside for a small child's tea isn't exactly gluttony.

Original poster

Rudolphthered · 03/11/2016 15:21

I'm not saying he can't eat!!!! It's just the volume of food. That's all. He'll eat through a £6 lump of cheese no problem. In addition to a full meal ffs.
Guess it comes down to different family codes. I wouldn't finish off all the cheese/fruit/whatever without checking first. That's all. We provide plenty of food for him and buy in stuff especially for him but it's annoying.

DD had a bad fall and hurt her shoulder. He said nothing.

Thanks for the input. I get that it's free childcare and I do 'suck it up' but once in a while it gets to me. None of us are perfect- even mumsnetters 😆 anyway just wanted to vent and opinions you lovelies 😆

OP posts:

RatherBeRiding · 03/11/2016 15:23

Well of course he expects an evening meal - he's your unpaid childcare.

I get that he has annoying habits but he's saving you a small fortune in childcare costs, so either suck it up or start paying the small fortune.

As for the food - you need to plan what food is available, stock up on cheap and cheerful to keep him going during the day and point out to him what is reserved for evening meal and what he can eat during the day for his lunch/snacks.

diddl · 03/11/2016 15:32

What time would he need to leave his house to get to you if he didn't stay over?

I do think that there's a limit to what should be tolerated even for free childcare.

If he surpasses that, then you have your answer.

(I think that it might be the poo crumbs!)

BarbarianMum · 03/11/2016 15:36

If he's eating a lot and is slim then I guess he needs the calories, annoying though it is.

GnomeDePlume · 03/11/2016 15:38

On the food thing, it may be worth looking at what you are offering in the way of food. It sounds like he is still very hungry. Do you discuss what you are going to offer for dinner with him?

expatinscotland · 03/11/2016 15:41

And you work but you're doing all the cleaning and shopping? That's your problem there, too.

namechangedtoday15 · 03/11/2016 15:44

And actually - your title says it all. He's not really a "house guest" is he - he is your childcare provider.

MadMags · 03/11/2016 15:44

I cannot understand these people who won't provide proper childcare for their children.

You expect him to bring food and wine when he's staying to take care of your dd?!

Your entitlement is unreal.

That is the price you pay for using family to pick up your slack, I guess. Some of us pay for our childcare.

FerretFred · 03/11/2016 15:45

It sounds like he's kicking the arse out of it! Not sure how far away they live but is he just looking to have a night away from his wife?!

Bluntness100 · 03/11/2016 15:46

Oh my, you want him to provide free child care as a favour but you would prefer he arrived on the morning of not the night before and didn't eat your food but brought his own?

Are you friggen kidding me? That's so unreasonable it's mind boggling.

OttersPocket · 03/11/2016 15:48

Add up how much he costs you in food and stress. Is it as much as a childminder costs for a day? If so, get a childminder! If not, you need to put up with it I suppose.

BertrandRussell · 03/11/2016 15:52

Obviously you would feed him! And why would he tell you If she'd fallen over?

Everything else- say something. He sounds vile.

BeccaAnn · 03/11/2016 16:04

the food thing I get to be a bit annoying, standard manners are to leave something the way you found it. I get that its frustrating and sometimes you need a rant unfortunately MN is not always the best place.

I'd be fuming at having to clean up his actual sh*t. and the kitchen doors is just sheer laziness. maybe label food as 'ready for dinner' and 'lunch'

Bogeyface · 03/11/2016 16:07

A £6 piece of cheese in one go, after a meal? Sounds like greed not hunger to me.

Get her into nursery FT, save hassle all round.

Bogeyface · 03/11/2016 16:09

I wonder if he is slim because he is kept on a strict diet by his wife, who also clearly cleans up after him without a word, so he eats anything and everything when he is at yours.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 03/11/2016 16:18

He probably finds it hard to look after a toddler(?) all day at his age and as a pp mentioned, men of his generation are far more likely to view cleaning up and tidying as 'women's work'. Sad but true.

A few of your gripes can be fairly easily sorted;
Leave him some prepared lunch,
Leave out an old towel for him in the bathroom,
Hide all cheese,
Politely give him a couple of ground rules, eg always inform you if dd falls unwell or has an accident, don't force her to eat food etc.

If your dd is nearly 3, remember she will be entitled to free preschool for I think 12 hours a week. If you cannot afford childcare you may be entitled to childcare vouchers which are offered if you qualify for working tax credit. That maybe worth looking in to.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/11/2016 16:19

How far away does he live? All you've mentioned would annoy the hell out of me. Definitely worth the £40ish childcare cost to have your child looked after in a way you prefer and not have your house invaded for one seventh of the week. Think.... no bed to make, no clearing up, no poo crumbs, no cleaning, food when you want it etc...... bliss. He sounds like a messy, cantankerous teenager.

Grumpyoldblonde · 03/11/2016 16:20

Some favours are just much more trouble than they're worth. It sounds pretty stressful to me coming home to filthy toilets and an empty fridge. Ask your husband to clean the poo crumbs and then come and tell you, you are ungrateful.
He sounds greedy, it's one thing to share the family meal and help yourself to a sandwich and an apple for lunch, quite another to clean out the fridge. I would think to use a nursery I think.

Forfrigssake · 03/11/2016 16:22

My parents and in laws provide our childcare so I completely understand your dilemma! I'm guessing you can't afford 'normal' childcare/nursery? We can't, 2 children under 2 so that would be £2k a month.

Moderate mess unfortunately you have to just accept e.g. leaving kitchen cupboards open, toothpaste on towels and the odd spills (lazy bugger tho!) I wouldn't have a problem with the occasional bump not being reported but I draw the line at excessively eating!

I'm getting the impression he sees childminding as a bit of escaping from his home especially coming to stay the night before!

I would politely put down some rules e.g. I always mention what I've bought for lunch for children and my parents/in-laws and I always offer them dinner too but not wine unless we happen to be opening a bottle which is rare. If FIL eats anything else you're right to have a moan.

You don't have to accept unreasonable behaviour but you do have to show a certain amount of tolerance because they are helping you out free of charge.

Musicinthe00ssucks · 03/11/2016 16:24

You are being ungrateful. If it bothers you that much then cough up for childcare just like millions of us have to.

Forfrigssake · 03/11/2016 16:25

and undermining you when it comes to your DD is unacceptable but it depends how you're being undermined e.g. both sets of parents give our children treats when they've been asked not to and they laugh it off as being grandparents just spoiling their grandchildren.

SanityAssassin · 03/11/2016 16:33

Cost it up. Work out how much you spend feeding him etc each visit and then work out if it's actually worth it or would you be better off with a CM/Nursery? I would factor in your cleaning/bedding changing time too plus your ME/family time which is lost each week - to me it wouldn't be worth it and my nursery was £54 a day 4 years ago.

BarbarianMum · 03/11/2016 16:35

A sandwich and an apple for lunch might be suitable for some people but that wouldn't satisfy my 8 year old, let alone my dh. I once au paired for someone who fed me according to her ED'd appetites ("oh who could possibly eat all of that, we can share can't we"' to every bloody morsel). It was miserable, I last 4 weeks.

RentANDBills · 03/11/2016 16:38

Crikey, people are being really harsh here.
Just because he's providing free childcare, doesn't entitle him to be rude and messy

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