AIBU on house guest etiquette?

[Rudolphthered]

First time on here so please be kind! I know this is trivial but it really gets to me. Family help us out with childcare in addition to DD's nursery days but when it's the turn of my FIL I find it hard to bite my tongue.

I fully appreciate the favour he is doing for us, but find he acts differently at ours to when he's in his own home. MIL was the same when she helped out - which almost led to divorce!!

He always comes down the night before which wasn't originally agreed, but fine went along with that. For a slim man he eats a LOT! He will happily eat through all our cheese, fruit and veg. I'm not always around but he has never once asked if it's OK. To me this seems rude. On one occasion he'd eaten at lunch what I was going to give DD for tea..... I hadn't had time to go shopping (I work), so had to think quickly!

He never arrives with food or drink but expects evening meal and wine. We don't pay him so you could argue that's fair enough. But once or twice as a gesture of goodwill would be nice.

He also has habit of leaving all kitchen cupboard doors and drawers open. Will spill stuff on floor and leave for me to clean up. Generally there are poo crumbs left on loo seat (!!!!!) and toothpaste all over towel. Never seen any of this at theirs. Although I don't inspect the towels or loose 😄😄

He has a bad habit of undermining me with my DD. His childcare is OK but very patchy when comes to food etc.. he's not aggressive just passive aggressive maybe?

I can't talk about it with DH as I'm told I'm ungrateful and rude. Like I said it's all small stuff but it's been building up all year!

He's also failed to mention to me when DD has fallen over. Am not going to have a go at him because accidents happen. But seriously? How us he being responsible?

Sorry for rant! Don't think he likes me a great deal. 99% sure he didn't speak to me on our wedd8ng day...

[TheBarbersWife]

On the loo seat????
Get a childminder in.it'll be worth it

[BarbarianMum]

His rudeness seems to consist of eating more than the OP wants him to though. Which isn't necessarily rude - although leaving him hungry would be. Leaving a mess is rude but perhaps the OP's dh could be the one to clean it up?

[upthegardenpath]

It's not working for you = change it.
Hire a childminder and be done with it, or carry on accepting FIL help as gracefully as you can muster

[2kids2dogsnosense]

In this situation I would expect to feed someone to appetite (however big that was!), but I wouldn't offer wine (but then, we rarely drink it ourselves).

However, I would really take exception t clearing up after him - especially his sh*t! Does he think his excrement is so golden that it is a privilege for others to wipe up after him? Leaving filth of any type, and not shutting kitchen doors (which ca actually cause an accident), is just slovenly. If your husband thinks it is acceptable, bung the loo roll and a Jay-cloth into his hand and let him get on with it! I wouldn't expect anyone to clean up after me (in fact, I would be ashamed), and I certainly wouldn't expect to have to clean up after an able-bodied adult.

I'm assuming you provide a decent a dinner and breakfast, and perhaps point out what he can have for lunch ("I've left you a sandwich, 15 bags of crisps, a yogurt and a bag of apples for lunch" - whatever), along with "Please do NOT eat the chicken dinosaurs as they are for DC's meal.

He sounds a greedy sod to me, who is just going through the fridge and cupboards (perhaps because he's bored) and eating anything that takes his fancy. Is this six quid's worth of cheese your bog-standard cheddar - in which case there will be about two pounds dead weight there, or is it a smear of vacherin? That will make a difference in my opinion. Either way, to go through your cupboards like a swarm locusts, eating everything in his path is just bloody bad-mannered!

How often does he provide child care? I wouldn't be able to stand this sort of behaviour myself and would end up getting very resentful, biting my tongue and then one day saying more than I should.

If you can possibly afford it, get a childminder - it might cost more but your home is your own and you are not coming back to an empty fridge and nothing to feed the family that evening, and having to clean up a soiled bathroom after somebody else (this is so disrespectful, I can't believe it - he's treating you like a servant).

I would also expect to be told if nay child had had an accident, even a small one - what if she'd bumped her head, seemed okay, but later became very ill and you had no idea what had happened to tell the A and E? This could hold up appropriate treatment, or even lead to you being suspected of child abuse, as they might think you were covering up a non-accidental injury.

Stuff the passive-aggressive comments, too - your DD might be too young to absorb them now, but she soon will. (Of course you could counter this with "Grand-dad is a dirty sod isn't he? Look at all the kaka he's left on the toilet! You don't do that do you? No - nor does mammy. Or even Daddy. Just dirty ole grand-dad" )

please note this is tongue-in-cheek - I do not really recommend that you teach your DD that her DGF is a dirty old man

[expatinscotland]

'Oh my, you want him to provide free child care as a favour but you would prefer he arrived on the morning of not the night before and didn't eat your food but brought his own?'

And bring food for them, too. Seriously, just get a childminder or nursery.

[lottiegarbanzo]

The thing that stands out for me is that 'his childcare is ok to patchy'. Is that good enough for you? Are there risks, disatisfactions, or does he just not do things the same way you would?

Mightn't dd be better cared for by a nursery or childminder?

The food stuff, I think you need to discuss with him what and how much he usually eats for lunch and adjust your provision accordingly. Maybe he'll admit he just enjoys snacking. Tell him or label things that are allocated to dinner etc. You could ask him not to use anything up completely, as a general principle.

I think he's taken the 'childcare is a job in itself and does not include cleaning' pov and extended it to its extreme!

[m0therofdragons]

I can't imagine a guest in my house bringing their own food I used to pay a nanny and provide plenty of food for her and dc. Yabu

[shovetheholly]

It sounds to me like this is more effort than it's worth! Honestly, by the time you've paid for the food and wine and cleared up, wouldn't it just be cheaper and easier to get a childminder - and then see your FIL in a slightly less awkward context?

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

I think you need to weigh up the pros and cons of grandad vs childcare and decide.
If your dd is happy, fed and safe then you may want to put up with some minor niggles for a couple more years.

A childminder or nursery wouldn't provide one to one care and some nannies can be just as much as a pain in the arse as your fil (messy, eat all the food, run up phone bills on the landline etc).
Childcare always throws up problems so I don't think there is a perfect solution.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Oh come on everyone, she doesn't expect him to bring his own food. She's saying that, as he's invited himself for dinner and an overnight stay every week (not the original plan, so presumably not necessary), it would be nice if he occasionally brought a standard 'dinner guest / house guest' gift.

I don't think we know why he's done this - whether it's the only practical approach for him, sensibly avoids morning traffic, or he's a five minute derive away and he just fancies an evening away from home.

[baconandeggies]

Your DH is allowing him to metaphorically piss all over your house and you should be grateful. Is he scared of him? Why are you allowing your DH to dictate to you? Seems power games are at play. If it was me I'd find any way possible to source different childcare.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Your DH does need to clean up his shit. Literally.

[Adnerb95]

He is not a professional childminder nor is he being paid as such. So you can't expect him to behave like one.

I do get fed up with people who whinge about what a professional (in any sphere of work) charges - and then whinge at the quality of the voluntary services provided but friends or family.

[Obsidian77]

DD had a bad fall and hurt her shoulder. He said nothing.
Hmm, to me that would have been a signal that the arrangement needed to come to an immediate halt. I'm not clear what you mean by undermining but it may be that he's not physically able to cope with caring for a young child. And poo crumbs are hideous but I don't think you should expect him to do housework as well as care for your DD.

[OzzieFem]

OP You stated both MIL /FIL act differently in your home when babysitting than they do in their own home. Possibly this is because they are bored? You can generally work around a baby especially if you are a female by doing general housework/baking/craftwork if in your own home.

However unless FIL is domesticated (and it sounds unlikely) than eating is probably what he does to alleviate his boredom (I know other men like this). It's not like he can do any hobbies (presumably he has some) in your house. Generally it's believed men cannot multitask, although I have my doubts on this view.

As for him arriving the night before the babysitting is required, this may possibly be due to him avoiding peak hour travelling or driving in the dark etc. Have you actually asked him why he prefers this? Some people suffer from night blindness.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable to expect detailed descriptions of every little fall/bump that your chlld may experience from your FIL. Do you and you husband report every minor incidence to each other?

[baconandeggies]

And poo crumbs are hideous but I don't think you should expect him to do housework as well as care for your DD.

Housework??! I don't think OP expects that, but if you shit on the seat / spill stuff on kitchen floor / leave cupboards open then you clean up after yourself!

This man sounds awful!

[laurenandsophie]

Anyone who left sh*t on the toilet seat would not be welcome back to my house. Simple as that. I would be repulsed and would say as much, and would not quietly clean it up, say nothing to them and allow them back.
It's evident you don't want him there. Tell DH an alternative must be found. Simple as that.

[SauvignonBlanche]

He's not a house guest and you need a childminder.

[Emmageddon]

Tell him to clean the loo after he's used it, for hygiene reasons.

Other than that, he's providing free childcare so suck it up.

[Jinxxx]

If he is coming over the night before, presumably it is quite some distance. That is quite a commitment of his time each week. Are you paying him for his fuel and other car expenses?

People do have vastly different appetites (I know from experience at being half starved while staying with family). I would have to wonder if he is finding the meals supplied adequate, or whether the snacking between meals might be down to boredom or loneliness during the day. I would also automatically expect to offer a "house guest" something a bit special and a glass or two in the evening, not for them to bring their own. You would normally feed a nanny too, as well as paying them. and providing the odd treat or present.

The messiness generally (and especially the poo crumbs) makes me wonder if he is getting a bit elderly and infirm. Lots of older people get shortsighted or less able to bend etc and standards can drop. But then if he's no longer up to keeping the house straight, maybe he's not best suited to caring for youngsters either.

[Rudolphthered]

My earlier response wasn't posted for some reason. Not objecting to feeding the man - that would just be weird. It's purely his voracious appetite! 😆 yello draw!

Some of the comments here are strange!

Thanks for input. Laters

[Ineedmorelemonpledge]

Is anyone else just pondering on the poohcrumbs?

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

Presumably he changes shitty nappies, or empties and cleans the poo potty though without complaint.
A few poo crumbs on a toilet seat wouldn't be the end of the world, just clean it with a wipe when you get home. Perhaps his sight is not very good?

[bumsexatthebingo]

I don't think anyone's suggesting the mess is ideal but if it's not like that in his home then he's obviously just used to being cleaned up after. I would just let the dh sort it. Totting up what he's eating is just unnecessarily tight though - he's saving you a lot of money. And a nursery wouldn't necessarily tell you a child had bumped their shoulder if they seemed ok. A bump on the head obviously they would. Is your child still in nappies op? If not they could be responsible for the bathroom mess and certainly opening kitchen cupboards etc. You seem to want the favour entirely on.your own terms. Fil needs to being food, get up early so.he doesn't have to stay over, leave the place as he found it. Your dh has a point. You aren't doing tour fil a favour - it's the other way around.