AIBU on house guest etiquette?

[Rudolphthered]

First time on here so please be kind! I know this is trivial but it really gets to me. Family help us out with childcare in addition to DD's nursery days but when it's the turn of my FIL I find it hard to bite my tongue.

I fully appreciate the favour he is doing for us, but find he acts differently at ours to when he's in his own home. MIL was the same when she helped out - which almost led to divorce!!

He always comes down the night before which wasn't originally agreed, but fine went along with that. For a slim man he eats a LOT! He will happily eat through all our cheese, fruit and veg. I'm not always around but he has never once asked if it's OK. To me this seems rude. On one occasion he'd eaten at lunch what I was going to give DD for tea..... I hadn't had time to go shopping (I work), so had to think quickly!

He never arrives with food or drink but expects evening meal and wine. We don't pay him so you could argue that's fair enough. But once or twice as a gesture of goodwill would be nice.

He also has habit of leaving all kitchen cupboard doors and drawers open. Will spill stuff on floor and leave for me to clean up. Generally there are poo crumbs left on loo seat (!!!!!) and toothpaste all over towel. Never seen any of this at theirs. Although I don't inspect the towels or loose 😄😄

He has a bad habit of undermining me with my DD. His childcare is OK but very patchy when comes to food etc.. he's not aggressive just passive aggressive maybe?

I can't talk about it with DH as I'm told I'm ungrateful and rude. Like I said it's all small stuff but it's been building up all year!

He's also failed to mention to me when DD has fallen over. Am not going to have a go at him because accidents happen. But seriously? How us he being responsible?

Sorry for rant! Don't think he likes me a great deal. 99% sure he didn't speak to me on our wedd8ng day...

[honeylulu]

Give him his own shelf in the fridge. Ask him what he'd like for it before he arrives to make sure it's enough. Think of it as his "wages". Ask him to leave the other food as is earmarked for meals.
Say "Please clean up the loo after using it, I can't face doing it when I get home".

My kids are always falling over and hurting themselves. My phone would be going all day if I heard about every incident. Terry and agree with him the parameters of what is notifiable. This could be a communication issue.

Coming the night before may well be a wish not to drive when he is tired or has doubt about how well he can see in the dark. My mum (70) will only drive in daylight now.

Don't have wine in the house if you dint wish to serve it. Simples. He does deserve to be fed though even if he has a big appetite.

Having said that I would hate the arrangement. I'm quite introverted and don't like other people in our house for any length of time. (Poo crumbs are a deal breaker anyway imo) If it's not working get a childminder instead.

[Trifleorbust]

He never arrives with food? Jesus, OP, I never arrive at the homes of family with food when I am a guests, let alone when I am actually there to do them a favour. Do you realise how much of ingrate you sound when you are complaining about him eating and staying over?

[TheDowagerCuntess]

Re-reading your OP myself.

You really do actually think of him as a 'house guest', and expect him to bring wine and food with him, when he's doing you a massive favour.

Hilarious!

[TheDowagerCuntess]

Time to read your OP back to yourself and maybe cop on.

He's not a house guest, for starters. He's minding your child for free.

The bathroom antics are grim. But other than that, the solution is obvious.

[GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER]

How far away does he live? I always stay the night before my childcare for dd - morning traffic is horrendous and the journey would take two and a half hours instead of an hour and a bit. There is no way I'd come in the morning.
I think it's mean, frankly, to begrudge him food, even if he is a bit of a pig with the cheese. As for not eating certain things in the fridge, you should tell him you need X and Y for later, and leave him something substantial for lunch. And things to graze on, since he evidently wants or needs them.

People who bitch about their parents' or in laws' free childcare might do well to realise that looking after little ones can be considerably more knackering as you get older. Maybe he's hoping you'll 'sack' him? And then have all the hassle of finding an alternative - and paying a damn sight more for it than the cost of a bit of cheese and fruit.

[LellyMcKelly]

Either get a childminder, or get your DH to clean up and make sure there's enough food in for him.

[Toolateagain]

£6 worth of cheese is cheap childcare. And he needs to do it in the way that is most convenient for him, if that means staying overnight, he stays overnight.
What is his eyesight like? I'm 50 and mine is shocking, he might not be able to actually see pooh crumbs on the loo seat.
But yeah, you clearly need to pay for childcare so that you get it on your terms. He is not a houseguest, he is free labour. If you get your head round that you will, hopefully, see it in a different light.
Bring his own food FFS!!

[OzzieFem]

2kids2dogsnosense

[2kids2dogsnosense]

Generally it's believed men cannot multitask, although I have my doubts on this view.

Agree - every man I have ever known has been very capable of reading a newspaper whilst having a poo.

[TheRollingCrone]

I've always been really jealous of people who can eat what they want

without gaining weight.

[RichardBucket]

He regularly looks after your child for free, and you expect him to buy YOU food or wine.

Read that back a few times and work out how reasonable you are...

[bumsexatthebingo]

I think nappy/potty emptying would be more likely to end up on the seat than your fils 'poo crumbs'. Not sure about anyone else but I tend to keep my butthole in the bowl without too much trouble when using the loo

[Artandco]

If you paid a nanny you would also have to provide food all day they are there.

An nice evening meal for everyone and wine -£10
Fancy cheese -£6

£16 childcare seems very cheap!

[Inertia]

It isn't working if the care isn't suitable for your child.

It's perfectly reasonable for him to expect to eat while he's providing free childcare. However, leaving your toilet detritus for others to clean isn't acceptable- DH can clean that if he won't speak to him. Or is from nappy emptying ?

I'd pay for a childminder or nursery, perhaps explain that dd needs to start interacting with other children.

[rollonthesummer]

Can you answer some of the questions?

What time would he have to leave his house in the morning to get to you if he didn't stay over?

[bumsexatthebingo]

I don't think anyone's suggesting the mess is ideal but if it's not like that in his home then he's obviously just used to being cleaned up after. I would just let the dh sort it. Totting up what he's eating is just unnecessarily tight though - he's saving you a lot of money. And a nursery wouldn't necessarily tell you a child had bumped their shoulder if they seemed ok. A bump on the head obviously they would. Is your child still in nappies op? If not they could be responsible for the bathroom mess and certainly opening kitchen cupboards etc. You seem to want the favour entirely on.your own terms. Fil needs to being food, get up early so.he doesn't have to stay over, leave the place as he found it. Your dh has a point. You aren't doing tour fil a favour - it's the other way around.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

Presumably he changes shitty nappies, or empties and cleans the poo potty though without complaint.
A few poo crumbs on a toilet seat wouldn't be the end of the world, just clean it with a wipe when you get home. Perhaps his sight is not very good?

[Ineedmorelemonpledge]

Is anyone else just pondering on the poohcrumbs?

[Rudolphthered]

My earlier response wasn't posted for some reason. Not objecting to feeding the man - that would just be weird. It's purely his voracious appetite! 😆 yello draw!

Some of the comments here are strange!

Thanks for input. Laters

[Jinxxx]

If he is coming over the night before, presumably it is quite some distance. That is quite a commitment of his time each week. Are you paying him for his fuel and other car expenses?

People do have vastly different appetites (I know from experience at being half starved while staying with family). I would have to wonder if he is finding the meals supplied adequate, or whether the snacking between meals might be down to boredom or loneliness during the day. I would also automatically expect to offer a "house guest" something a bit special and a glass or two in the evening, not for them to bring their own. You would normally feed a nanny too, as well as paying them. and providing the odd treat or present.

The messiness generally (and especially the poo crumbs) makes me wonder if he is getting a bit elderly and infirm. Lots of older people get shortsighted or less able to bend etc and standards can drop. But then if he's no longer up to keeping the house straight, maybe he's not best suited to caring for youngsters either.

[Emmageddon]

Tell him to clean the loo after he's used it, for hygiene reasons.

Other than that, he's providing free childcare so suck it up.

[SauvignonBlanche]

He's not a house guest and you need a childminder.

[laurenandsophie]

Anyone who left sh*t on the toilet seat would not be welcome back to my house. Simple as that. I would be repulsed and would say as much, and would not quietly clean it up, say nothing to them and allow them back.
It's evident you don't want him there. Tell DH an alternative must be found. Simple as that.