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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at Ex pleading poverty when they've just got a huge tattoo?

33 replies

BeccaAnn · 03/11/2016 12:10

Ok so my DS lives with his dad and I pay maintenance. My ex asked me for more because of issues with housing benefit etc. I refused. He doesn't have a job, he volunteeres and does occasional freelance design work so I told him to focus more on that. Last night on FaceTime I saw he has a HUGE chest tattoo, it's from shoulder to shoulder and cover almost the whole of his rib cage (DS wanted to show it off as he helped draw it). I would love to get more myself but can't as I can't justify spending that much when I have a house to run. The cost of his would be in the £100's as he's getting the colour done too.

AIBU to be annoyed by this? He lives off tax credits and my maintenance Angry

OP posts:
VeryBitchyRestingFace · 03/11/2016 12:19

How old is DS? Is Ex a SAHM?

Do you pay minimum required maintenance or well above set amount?

Does your Ex have any tattoo
Artist mates?

FlapsTie · 03/11/2016 12:23

If this was a man posting about how his ex spends the maintenance he would be flamed to high heaven.

How much maintenance do you pay? The csa minimum?

TiredAndDeadly · 03/11/2016 12:23

What does your ex want money for?

How old is your ds?

And can I ask why he's not with you in your house to run?

BarbarianMum · 03/11/2016 12:27

How old is your son and how much do you pay?

How much does your ex usually spend on himself - haircuts/clothes/nights out?

Chillyegg · 03/11/2016 12:29

Er why doesn't your son live with you?

How much do you pay?

You cant dictate what he spends money on sorry.

BitchQueen90 · 03/11/2016 12:35

You can't dictate what maintenance is spent on. Whether he works or not is not your business.

However, I would not get something expensive for myself if I was skint and then ask for more maintenance from my ex. That's irresponsible spending IMO.

TiredAndDeadly · 03/11/2016 12:37

I think you're going to need your hard hat op.

This isn't going to go well.

RainbowJack · 03/11/2016 12:54

You can't dictate what maintenance is spent on. Whether he works or not is not your business.

But then it's also not OPs responsibility if he can't use the money he is getting wisely.

I would imagine covering rent/tax is more important than getting a tattoo.

And if he chooses to use the money frivolously, then the shortfall is up to him to find.

Original poster
BeccaAnn · 03/11/2016 12:55

DS is 7, not with me because his dad took him and moved 100 miles away. after court case to get him back they said he should stay where he is. I pay what the CSA recommends, I used to pay more before we involved CSA but he also lived closer (10 miles away). He lives in rural north west and doesn't drive (bus to town 3x a day). I used to run the house when we were together he had no bills in his name or debt for that matter. I'm paying all of that too.

And I know I can't tell him what to spend maintenance money on but house and child come before tattoos and nights out! And before ppl ask I spend my 'surplus' on days out / holidays when I have my DS and 1 date night a month with my partner. The last time I got a haircut professionally was for my birthday as a present. Ditto clothes (well vouches and some of that went on DS). I buy all my DS's shoes (read also replacements for the too small clothes I pick him up in, winter jackets and all school trips) as my ex 'can't afford them' that's why I'm pissed off.

OP posts:
BitchQueen90 · 03/11/2016 13:01

rainbow yes I agree, hence the last part of my post. But some of the comments on the OP post "he lives on tax credits and my maintenance" isn't relevant.

I'm a single parent and get maintenance from my ex, but I don't rely on it to pay my bills. I would only ask for extra if I needed pricier things for DS such as school uniform etc.

TiredAndDeadly · 03/11/2016 13:05

What was the extra money he asked for op?

CozyAutumn · 03/11/2016 13:09

Whether the rp is a man or a woman, to plead poverty but fork out for a tattoo makes me a bit Hmm

teenyrabbit · 03/11/2016 13:14

If it was a woman asking a man for more money whatever the reason, he'd get flames to high heaven for only paying the minimum.

Yes, it's his responsibility to spend his money wisely. But as the famous Mn catchphrase goes it costs a hell of a lot more to raise a child than the csa minimum....

Original poster
BeccaAnn · 03/11/2016 13:17

Extra money to cover rent as he has a spare room now. (he got back with the mother of his other children for a while now he's left the house). it works out that he's losing £20/week or so.

I think I'm annoyed because of the pleading poverty, and a bit jealous that he has got a new tattoo when I've been trying to reason getting a new one for years but can't reason it because of my responsibilities.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeccaAnn · 03/11/2016 13:19

I know it costs more than the CSA min to raise a child, that's why I buy/ pay for a lot of my DS clothes, shoes, jackets and school trips.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 03/11/2016 13:32

OK, well in light of your subsequent posts I'd just keep on the way you are doing and spend the "additional to the CSA" money directly on your son.

TheLittleRedHen · 03/11/2016 20:58

Unfortunately, it isn't up to you what he spends household money on.

Is moving closer and having 50/50 care not an option?

Original poster
BeccaAnn · 04/11/2016 08:32

No he lives near his parents and got a housing association house. My partner an I are saving up to buy our first house and we're planning to move closer in a couple of years once we have enough but knowing my ex he'll move further away just to be spiteful, as far as he's concerned I'm an ungrateful bitch and he's been landed with the hard task of looking after DS, yet wont relinquish residency.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 04/11/2016 09:10

You are within your rights to say no to extra money over the CSA minimum. What he does with his money is his business, but when he is asking you for more it is natural to be a bit Hmm

Bear in mind that you don't know how he paid for the tattoo - it may have been a gift.

Isawthepigsfly · 04/11/2016 09:22

You are well within your rights to say no to more maintenance as you seem to buy extras direct.

However, that said it's none of your business what he spends any money on providing your child is being adequately cared for.

DoinItFine · 04/11/2016 09:28

I wouldn't give that useless layabout another penny.

Sunnie1984 · 04/11/2016 09:31

If you pay for clothes, school trips etc on top of the CSA minimum then I wouldn't increase it.

If you have reason to believe he's squandering the money on himself rather than on your child, and showing no interest in getting a job when his child is at school, then better to spend the extra directly on your son, then you know where the money goes.

He doesn't have a two year old where childcare would cost more than he would earn. Most SAHM's look for work during school hours once all their children are at school.

DS is not just your responsibility.

HermioneJeanGranger · 04/11/2016 09:37

Useless layabaout? He's a full time parent!

Are stay at home mum's who don't work and spend some of their money on, say, going to the haidressers useless layabouts too? Hmm

DoinItFine · 04/11/2016 09:42

Are you saying the OP us not a full time parent?

Because her ex, who exoected ger to do all the household work when they were together, absconded with their son?

And is noe using the child as a cash cow?

DoinItFine · 04/11/2016 09:44

But no, in general I avoid imagining that two completely different situations are the same.

A man who can't be arsed working is not the same as a SAHM.

Are you saying they are the same?

Because it kind of sounds like it?

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