My mom hates Dp

[sophias7]

Ok....named changed as I'm quite a regular poster.

Need to start mentioning that I have a BEAUTIFUL relationship with my mom, she is smart, beautiful and accomplished and most important she's always been by my side. Now.. will try to make the v long story short.

Okay. So I can definitely say I come from a good family. All with uni and masters, well paid jobs and careers, 2 or 3 foreign languages spoken etc. I have myself a uni degree and now I work in a management position in a corporation. I have been with my DP almost 5 years. I love him... and I believe he does too.

Recently after we've been away for years in the US we decided to move back home and live with my mom who owns a big house while we save for ours and plan the wedding for 2018.

Well and things are as it follows: he comes from a poor family. Mom is dead, father, 2 brothers and 2 sisters all live together in a 1 bed flat and are raging alcoholics and haven't contributed a penny to the wedding nor we haven't met them. Yup, after 5 years. That's problem no1. Ofc she thinks and also do I that they ll embarass us at the wedding

My DM also thinks he's ugly, she also doesn't like that on a few occasions he has responded quite rudely to her. I forgot to mention that he is working a v mundane job (say bartender) and she is wondering how the hell do I tell people where I work and what do I say when they ask what he does. Btw they probs know, it's a v small city where we live (I travel for work)

You ll probably ask why I stay with him. Is he romantic? No. does he behave nice to me? Hmmm not really.

He contributes a v small amount to bills because he makes minimum wage, and he has everything on a tray in this house, which makes my mum believe that that's why he doesn't leave..... because he'll have nowhere to go, and he likes the comfort.

I am confused and upset. I know she feels stuff, and she has great intuition...... what do you think though? Please enlighten me....

Are you serious?

Your mums a snob

I think you sound a bit Hyacinth Bucket to me.

The key thing here is that he isn't nice to you. So don't marry him.
The rest is red herrings.

Ofc I' m serious, I asked for advice. My mom may be a "snob" however she supports him financially, with a place to stay, food and bills for a v small amount of money

What do you want our thoughts on exactly?

Well up until the final third of your post, I assumed that you were with him because you loved him. Do you? If so it shouldn't matter what your mother thinks. He comes from a poor family and has a crap, are you embarrassed by this? Is he trying to better himself and get a better job or will he be a bartender forever?

Why are you confused? Your mother might have great intuition but at the end of the day she isn't in a relationship with this person, you are. Can you move out into rented accommodation as living with y our mom probably isn't helping the situation.

*crap job

Thanks mouldycheesefan. He's not nice in a way that he's maybe not romantic, or stuff like that. He kind of ignores me, away on his phone games...

Is he loving and kind and nice to you? That's all that matters.

Your mum is a huge snob and doesn't sound very nice to be honest. My mum is also a huge snob and her and my dh have a very difficult relationship because of it so I know what it's like!

Honestly, the way this post is written I thought it was one of those 'Peppa Pig' style funny posts that I hadn't understood. Your boyfriend is not very nice to you, why would you want to marry him?

My question is: can 2 people from different worlds be together? He says he will try to find a job but he doesn't do it, and needs to be pushed all the time. Constantly

Yes you and your mum might be very close and I'm not denying she's a wonderful mother.
However she sounds very very shallow and immature to call someone ugly, and say they're no good because of their financial status and heritage. Most poor people have had experience of living in the real world, and will give you their last penny.
Looks count for nothing. If you've not got the personality genuiness and kindness.
The main kicker is. Do you like him.
It's not your mum who's going out with him, is it

Background / job situation aside, do you really want to marry a guy who isn't very nice to you and would rather play computer games than spend time with you?

If he's not nice to you then don't be with him. The rest is irrelevant.

I know you are all right. She never said break up with him, she just said her opinion

In the end he might as well live here for convenience. I don't know and there's no way to find out

If he doesn't want to find a job that has nothing to do with what class he is or whether you can be together because you are from different backgrounds. That's about work ethic and people across all walks of life have different work ethics!

Ummm he's not nice to you, is rude to her, lives in her house for free and contributes very little.... why are you with him? All of this "I'm so well educated and brilliant" talk, makes you sound wonderful

@oldgrumpyblonde might be that English is not my first language ...

The important thing, as mouldycheese says, is what you see in him. It doesn't sound like he's that great to you so maybe that's your mum's objection. He's not romantic, doesn't treat you well, can be rude to your mum, contributes bugger all and gets what he wants (if the on a tray comment is the US version of our 'handed to him on a plate' - I did wonder to start if it meant he had all his meals on a tray but in context prob not!). I'm not seeing the appeal.

How is she a snob?

She has a freeloading boyfriend who is rude to her mother and doesn't seem to actually like her that much!

If this is for real (which I doubt) your Mum is a snob and so are you!

Why would his family who haven't seen him for 5 years be contributing to your wedding? How can you say they are all raging alcoholics when you've never met them?

If it wasn't a problem what your partner did before why is it a problem now? (Because your Mum told you it is). Your Mum thinks he's ugly but even if he is not physically classically attractive something attracted you. Presumably it wasn't an issue until your Mum told you it was.

You either want to be with him or you don't. But if you do I suggest you move out together and don't live with your Mum and get a backbone and tell her to back off!

To put it very bluntly: what are his redeeming features?
Reading your description I would hate it if my hypothetical child was in a similar relationship to what you describe.

Why are you with him?

Agree with the others, regardless of whether your mother likes him, or not, and whether he is ugly or not, do you like him? And does he actually like you?

Are these things you are quoting what your mum actually quoted to you are reasons? Or are they solid facts? Does he ignore you? Is he really rude to you? Is he a cocklodger? Or is this a snapshot perspective from her?