My mom hates Dp

[sophias7]

Ok....named changed as I'm quite a regular poster.

Need to start mentioning that I have a BEAUTIFUL relationship with my mom, she is smart, beautiful and accomplished and most important she's always been by my side. Now.. will try to make the v long story short.

Okay. So I can definitely say I come from a good family. All with uni and masters, well paid jobs and careers, 2 or 3 foreign languages spoken etc. I have myself a uni degree and now I work in a management position in a corporation. I have been with my DP almost 5 years. I love him... and I believe he does too.

Recently after we've been away for years in the US we decided to move back home and live with my mom who owns a big house while we save for ours and plan the wedding for 2018.

Well and things are as it follows: he comes from a poor family. Mom is dead, father, 2 brothers and 2 sisters all live together in a 1 bed flat and are raging alcoholics and haven't contributed a penny to the wedding nor we haven't met them. Yup, after 5 years. That's problem no1. Ofc she thinks and also do I that they ll embarass us at the wedding

My DM also thinks he's ugly, she also doesn't like that on a few occasions he has responded quite rudely to her. I forgot to mention that he is working a v mundane job (say bartender) and she is wondering how the hell do I tell people where I work and what do I say when they ask what he does. Btw they probs know, it's a v small city where we live (I travel for work)

You ll probably ask why I stay with him. Is he romantic? No. does he behave nice to me? Hmmm not really.

He contributes a v small amount to bills because he makes minimum wage, and he has everything on a tray in this house, which makes my mum believe that that's why he doesn't leave..... because he'll have nowhere to go, and he likes the comfort.

I am confused and upset. I know she feels stuff, and she has great intuition...... what do you think though? Please enlighten me....

He tells us all that about them being alcoholics!!! He s seen them constantly, they never had an interest in meeting me or my family.

Nobodies families are perfect

And you shouldn't expect other people to fund your wedding

Your mum shouldn't care about his job or what he looks like or where he comes from

It should be about him as a person and apart from a bit of rudeness which could actually be warranted if he's feeling resented, there's nothing here to say why your mum doesn't like him apart from his looks and back ground

To answer your questions I do see some things she sees but I do love him. Problem is I've had a few friends that told me I could ve done better. Probably. Not even sure what to think anymore

Actually the wedding is a gift from my parents and his parents know that very well. I would have offered to contribute. But that's just me.

Nice that she offered

But that still doesn't mean his parents should have coughed up either

I thought his mum was dead? If your mum thinks he's 'ugly' and his 'alcoholic' family are embarrassing then she's being snobbish.

His mom is dead, yes. Where did I say otherwise?

Oh come on, you don't love him! You might be addicted to him in that you can't do what's best for yourself as far as he's concerned, but there is nothing about this man that you love.

He doesn't even like you! He ignores you and is using your family to live in a nicer house than he would normally.

Oh sorry! I meant his family!

@imperialblether I do love him, ofc I do, we had a lot of great times together.

With the other thing.... there's no way I can prove if he lives here for comfort or not

Forget about your mum for a moment. And your friends

And actually talk about him.

What is he like as a person?

sophias7 Tue 01-Nov-16 15:46:21

"My question is: can 2 people from different worlds be together?"

Of course they can. IF:

they are both decent people

they are both prepared to contribute as much(emotionally/workwise/attentionwise) to the relationship

they are both prepared to be flexible

they are both responsible, reliable people

they both care

Money and education and good looks are not what makes a relationship. Caring, reliability, kindness do. Never settle for less than that.

What he is like a person.... he is indeed a person you can rely on. He is hardworking but he doesn't do stuff if he's not told to... he is nice to people and people generally like him.

Corythatwas: I have no clue who you are but thanks, I felt your advice as being really warm :) i am sorry if my post upset anyone that was not my intention

Problem is

You've come on here and starting saying how lovely your mum is

Your post is about how your dp is not as good as you. You have all this education, he comes from a poor background with alcoholic family

He has no money, you do

He is ugly according to your mum and your friends say you can do better

But none of that shows what he is like.

If you came on and said about how he treats you in general and asked if he was a decent person, you would get a better response

Does he care for you? Does he pull his weight? Could you rely on him e.g. if you fell ill and was unable to work? Will he meet your emotional needs longterm?

Speaking four modern languages may not make a lot of difference in the long term. Being the person who will come home from a long day at work, prepare a special treat for you and then go out in the dark and pissing rain to travel to the hospital to sit at your bedside and cheer you up when you need him- that is the kind of thing that matters. If something terrible happened to you, either you alone or the two of you, would he be the one that made things easier to bear or harder?

Have you had much relationship experience?

The way you talk about him doesn't make him sound like you're in a relationship you should legally bind yourself to unto death/divorce do you part.

Soubriquet: you're right. I love him to bits. Yes I wish he came from a good family. I do. And not for money

Also.... he is kind and caring, probably he feels my mum s attitude, and he feels rejected which has put a strain on my relationship... as one of you said that might be why he has been rude sometimes. i can't see myself without him... he supports me when I m sad and gives me good advice

Is he romantic? No. does he behave nice to me? Hmmm not really.

He contributes a v small amount to bills because he makes minimum wage, and he has everything on a tray in this house, which makes my mum believe that that's why he doesn't leave..... because he'll have nowhere to go, and he likes the comfort.

He kind of ignores me, away on his phone games...

He says he will try to find a job but he doesn't do it, and needs to be pushed all the time. Constantly

^^ These are all important reasons not to marry or live with or go out with someone. Just these. the snob thing is a red herring. maybe your mum doesn;'t like him for these reasons but is using his family as an excuse instead as she thinks that's more acceptable/less of an attack on him?

OP, what are you getting out of this relationship?? I'd be gone from this lazy cocklodging man child.

OP are you very young?

If he is not nice, or you have to stop and think about it, why do you want to marry him?

Oh god, are you the Asian(?) poster with the Russian(?) partner living with your mum in Australia(?) hanging on to what is no real relationship for reasons best known to yourself?

I am 26. Thanks all for your replies... much appreciated. I think I need to analyse my life. Also need to mention my family never tried to break us up, told him anything or kicked him out.

But does he love and cherish you?

Nope not asian, not russian not living in Australian(unfortunately for the Australia part!!)

He would rather play on his phone than talk to you and he has to be pushed to work?

Do NOT have children with this man.