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AIBU?

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Original poster

My mom hates Dp

100 replies

sophias7 · 01/11/2016 15:38

Ok....named changed as I'm quite a regular poster.

Need to start mentioning that I have a BEAUTIFUL relationship with my mom, she is smart, beautiful and accomplished and most important she's always been by my side. Now.. will try to make the v long story short.

Okay. So I can definitely say I come from a good family. All with uni and masters, well paid jobs and careers, 2 or 3 foreign languages spoken etc. I have myself a uni degree and now I work in a management position in a corporation. I have been with my DP almost 5 years. I love him... and I believe he does too.

Recently after we've been away for years in the US we decided to move back home and live with my mom who owns a big house while we save for ours and plan the wedding for 2018.

Well and things are as it follows: he comes from a poor family. Mom is dead, father, 2 brothers and 2 sisters all live together in a 1 bed flat and are raging alcoholics and haven't contributed a penny to the wedding nor we haven't met them. Yup, after 5 years. That's problem no1. Ofc she thinks and also do I that they ll embarass us at the wedding

My DM also thinks he's ugly, she also doesn't like that on a few occasions he has responded quite rudely to her. I forgot to mention that he is working a v mundane job (say bartender) and she is wondering how the hell do I tell people where I work and what do I say when they ask what he does. Btw they probs know, it's a v small city where we live (I travel for work)

You ll probably ask why I stay with him. Is he romantic? No. does he behave nice to me? Hmmm not really.

He contributes a v small amount to bills because he makes minimum wage, and he has everything on a tray in this house, which makes my mum believe that that's why he doesn't leave..... because he'll have nowhere to go, and he likes the comfort.

I am confused and upset. I know she feels stuff, and she has great intuition...... what do you think though? Please enlighten me....

OP posts:
Original poster
sophias7 · 01/11/2016 16:13

Baconandeggies. Yes. That's what I think

OP posts:
MargaretCavendish · 01/11/2016 16:13

I would have offered to contribute. But that's just me.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you've got no fucking idea what you'd do if you had so little money that you lived with four other adults in a one-bed flat.

DeathStare · 01/11/2016 16:15

I love him to bits. Yes I wish he came from a good family. I do. And not for money

Well he doesn't come from a "good" family and nothing you say or do can ever change that so there's no point (you or your mum)dwelling on it.

Does he treat you with respect? Are you happy with him? Do you want your future to be with him the way he is now? If the answer to those three questions is yes then you and your mum need to stop being snobs and appreciate who he is.

If the answer to any of those questions is no then you need to get out. But either way his family is irrelevant

Original poster
sophias7 · 01/11/2016 16:16

Margaretcavendish- not working and spending all your money on alcohol is A CHOICE. Not one that I have made.

OP posts:
PollyPerky · 01/11/2016 16:19

Please don't go ahead and marry this guy.

You are 26 my dear. A mere child in terms of finding a partner. You have years ahead of you.

The point is you are confused. Your mum's concerns are a scapegoat for you to hang your own concerns on.

Your posts are full of contradictions. On the one hand he is reliable, on the other he isn't looking for meaningful work and has to be pushed all the time. So I don't know what 'reliable' means other than he is at home when you expect him to be.

You need to say goodbye to him.

DeathStare · 01/11/2016 16:19

I would have offered to contribute. But that's just me

Contribute what exactly? They clearly don't have anything to contribute.

And even if they did, why would they contribute to the wedding of someone who has never bothered to meet them and openly considers them not to be a good family?

corythatwas · 01/11/2016 16:19

OP, you do need to think about your future here. Your mum isn't going to be around supporting you forever. If you marry this man, it will be the two of you facing the world together, standing shoulder to shoulder in any difficulties.

If he is not even willing to get a job to help pull his weight, what do you reckon he will be like to live with when hard times come? Will you never resent it if he sits around on his backside doing nothing while you are working hard?

MargaretCavendish · 01/11/2016 16:20

God, you're like some sort of moral test-case. In which case, the answer is: even though you (like your mother) are a horrible snob and seem to lack basic empathy, you still don't deserve a partner who isn't nice to you. Break up with him, but do some serious reflection before inflicting yourself on someone else getting into a new relationship.

expatinscotland · 01/11/2016 16:23

Hmm, a lazy workshy slob who ignores you to play on his phone. And you wonder why your mum doesn't like him, when the question should be, 'Why do you want to be with someone like this? Where did you get the idea this was the best you could do?'

GreatFuckability · 01/11/2016 16:25

perhaps hes happy being a bar tender (or whatever 'mundane' job is he has)? Perhaps the reason he doesn't look for other work is cos he doesn't want to?? there is nothing wrong with working a minimum wage job if that makes him happy. If your mother wants more rent, then she should charge him more instead of bitching like a teenage girl about how he looks.

Goingtobeawesome · 01/11/2016 16:26

He's not nice to you. Is that what you dreamed of as a young person? A boyfriend who isn't nice to you?

EdgarAllanHo · 01/11/2016 16:27

This is not about your mum being a snob,even though she might very well be.
This is about a man that in your words doesn't treat very nice,ignores you and contributes very little. Is his how you want to spend the rest of your life?

Original poster
sophias7 · 01/11/2016 16:27

Thanks all for the advice. I am digesting everything. I will analyse the situation deeper and make a call. Thanks all again

OP posts:
e1y1 · 01/11/2016 16:28

To be honest, you sound just as bad as your Mum, and it really comes through in your post that you think you're too good for him, not just your Mother.

That aside though, if he isn't nice to you, rude to your Mother and seems to be "on the take" as it were, then why are you with him?

Yes it is completely possible for people from 2 different walks of life to be together (My DM is from an upper-class family and DF is from a solid working class family), but it works on the basis of actually loving each other and not thinking either is beneath (or above) one another.

DeathStare · 01/11/2016 16:29

For everyone saying he is workshy/lazy...... he has a job

It just isn't a job with the status the OP and her mother would like.

PlumsGalore · 01/11/2016 16:29

Not accusing or anything but, you say you have lived in the US for a few years, is he American?

If not, how did he get to go on your visa to work in the US without you being married and not having a skillset of his own?

Is this really a genuine post?

Italiangreyhound · 01/11/2016 16:30

Well, you say " I have been with my DP almost 5 years. I love him... and I believe he does too." You should be able to say after 5 years that he loves you, and you are not sure.

Also, "He contributes a v small amount to bills because he makes minimum wage, and he has everything on a tray in this house, which makes my mum believe that that's why he doesn't leave..... because he'll have nowhere to go, and he likes the comfort."

This makes me think your relationship is not very stable and that your mum has got a massive point.

I think the extended family is not really the point, are you happy with this man, does he love and respect you, if not, why are planning to get married?

Your mum may or may not be a snob, but she seems to have your best interests at heart, does he?

GinIsIn · 01/11/2016 16:30

So he isn't nice to you, you aren't sure he loves you, your family hate him, he ignores you and he contributes nothing to your life in financial, emotional or practical terms. You are marrying this man because...? Hmm

DoublePumpkin · 01/11/2016 16:31

What you have there is a cocklodger.

How many degrees your family has between you is irrelevant.

Original poster
sophias7 · 01/11/2016 16:31

He might be American, yes. I don t want to say anything, I may out me. Thanks again for everything.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 01/11/2016 16:32

'Not accusing or anything but, you say you have lived in the US for a few years, is he American?

If not, how did he get to go on your visa to work in the US without you being married and not having a skillset of his own?

Is this really a genuine post?'

Yeah, there's that. Unless they are both dual nationals.

corythatwas · 01/11/2016 16:34

I see I misunderstood about the job. So he does have one. Forget what I said about workshy.

In that case, I would like to reword my last post.

If you marry this man, your family will be what you make it- between the two of you. He will be half your family. That means you will have to accept what he is, just as he has to accept what you are. If you cannot accept his low wage, or his lack of status, or the person he is, then don't marry him. It doesn't mean that nobody can have a successful marriage with a person from a different social class or with a different level of income. But it means that you can't. So don't.

TrickyD · 01/11/2016 16:35

Yes, DoublePumpkin is quite right , a Cocklodger and your mum can clearly see it. Why can't you?

Hoppinggreen · 01/11/2016 16:38

Your mums a snob and your boyfriend sounds useless.

2kids2dogsnosense · 01/11/2016 16:38

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