My mom hates Dp

[sophias7]

Ok....named changed as I'm quite a regular poster.

Need to start mentioning that I have a BEAUTIFUL relationship with my mom, she is smart, beautiful and accomplished and most important she's always been by my side. Now.. will try to make the v long story short.

Okay. So I can definitely say I come from a good family. All with uni and masters, well paid jobs and careers, 2 or 3 foreign languages spoken etc. I have myself a uni degree and now I work in a management position in a corporation. I have been with my DP almost 5 years. I love him... and I believe he does too.

Recently after we've been away for years in the US we decided to move back home and live with my mom who owns a big house while we save for ours and plan the wedding for 2018.

Well and things are as it follows: he comes from a poor family. Mom is dead, father, 2 brothers and 2 sisters all live together in a 1 bed flat and are raging alcoholics and haven't contributed a penny to the wedding nor we haven't met them. Yup, after 5 years. That's problem no1. Ofc she thinks and also do I that they ll embarass us at the wedding

My DM also thinks he's ugly, she also doesn't like that on a few occasions he has responded quite rudely to her. I forgot to mention that he is working a v mundane job (say bartender) and she is wondering how the hell do I tell people where I work and what do I say when they ask what he does. Btw they probs know, it's a v small city where we live (I travel for work)

You ll probably ask why I stay with him. Is he romantic? No. does he behave nice to me? Hmmm not really.

He contributes a v small amount to bills because he makes minimum wage, and he has everything on a tray in this house, which makes my mum believe that that's why he doesn't leave..... because he'll have nowhere to go, and he likes the comfort.

I am confused and upset. I know she feels stuff, and she has great intuition...... what do you think though? Please enlighten me....

Do we really need to be calling women 'silly bitch[es]'?

My husband comes from a poor family, his mum was an alcoholic who dies young years after she rejected him - he was 15 and had walked in on her shagging another bloke. She took umbrage when he sided with his dad during the divorce.

He has about two GCSEs at a very low grade as he is severely dyslexic but has no help at school. He also grew up in n extremely deprived area.

I on the other hand grew up very middle class in north London, had ballet classes, we were wealthy. I am educated to degree level.

So yes, people can have vastly different background and still be together. Not when one of them is horrible to the other though. What is the fucking point of that?

He's an almighty cocklodger and you can do far better. I don't think academic accomplishments, ugliness and foreign languages have anything to do with it. He doesn't seem to add anything positive to your life. Has he got a solid gold dick or something?

This is a troll post, surely?

Yes, people from 'two different worlds' can make a successful match if they're equally committed to the relationship.

There's nothing wrong with low paying jobs, as long as both parties agree that one partner earning much less than the other partner is OK. There's dignity in any paid work. To think otherwise is snobbish.

As far as your mother's opinion, it can be valid or invalid. If you had a loving, considerate, low earning partner and her objections were purely on a class or 'earnings' basis I'd say to ignore her. But your partner isn't loving or considerate. So I wonder if her 'hate' for him is for the way he treats you as well as his lack of ambition.

Listen, I had a habit in my youth of picking shit men. I mean abusive, mean men. My mother didn't like any of them and, although she didn't tell me she hated them, she did question me as to whether I'd 'thought things through'. She was right about every single one of them. So I decided to listen to her. She met and married my father, who was a wonderful husband and father, so I figured she must have pretty good judgement. When I met now DH, who at the time was earning a good deal less than I and working in a 'blue collar job', I decided that if my mother didn't like him I was going to listen very carefully to what she had to say about him. Luckily for me, she saw him as a good man who would be a caring and considerate husband and father, and we've been married now close to 30 years.

So I guess I'm saying, listen carefully to what your mother is saying, see if perhaps there is another reason as to why she doesn't like him. Ask her to set aside her 'snobbishness' about his job and find out what she thinks about the way he treats you. That may be the real reason she doesn't like him!

Always remember actions speak louder than words.. Saying he will find a job and not doing it..your not even married yet and you are already ignored..

Remember if you marry him.. Whats yours is his drama if it all goes south.

I would run.

You don't need to be with someoen rich or your equal money wise, you need someone who tries to better himself, have ambition, wants to be a provider etc etc.

Run.

This is the reason why you should never get involved with anyone outside your class, I'm afraid he just won't do, couldn't mummy just pack him off back to America like a good chap. And maybe next time, get mummy to pick her future son in law. You are clearly misguided at picking suitable men, and quite frankly, not up to the job. That's the best solution.

Your Mum sounds like a nightmare

My mother didn't like any of them and, although she didn't tell me she hated them, she did question me as to whether I'd 'thought things through'. She was right about every single one of them.

Not really comparable is it, though? Your mum tactfully raised her concerns. OP's mum has told her that her boyfriend is ugly and thinks that it's embarrassing to have poor people at a wedding. I don't think anyone should be putting their faith in her judgement, whether or not they're related to her.

Also don't think about the time you have spent with him as wasted if you decide to end it.

Think long and hard.

Do you know the song 'sometimes love just ain't enough' i truly believe that. A marriage is a serious partnership and not all fairies and butterflies.

Why the hell is he a cocklodger?? He works! he just doesn't have a job mummy dearest and the OP approve of.

I think he'd do better to be shot of the pair of you tbh.

When she said he "wasn't nice" it actually sounded like she meant he doesn't make nice, thoughtful, romantic gestures. Which is different from actively doing things that are "not nice".

I wonder if there is a significant language barrier here - sorry OP, your English is very good, but sounds a little stilted and unnatural, which makes me think it is not your first language and that makes me wonder if things are being misread slightly.

I would just hate to have the OP urged to leave her partner because we are misunderstanding the things she is saying about him.

Thing is, there just isn't enough info. Her dp "responded rudely" (in her mother's opinion). We don't know what he was responding to and how rude "rude was".

On one hand, your mother doesn't get to chose your life-partner.

On the other hand, you seem to be settling for someone at 26 who is not exactly full of life nor bringing you fireworks. Yes of course marriage is not all about fireworks but why do you not feel you deserve more than someone you describe as ugly, not nice to you, who ignores you and needs pushing constantly?

Why not cool down the wedding talk, get him to move out and see what happens? Have you heard of the sunk costs fallacy?

Your mother and friends are right.

He isn't nice to you - ffs why do you want to spend a lifetime of misery being treated like crap? Also, you seem very much half -hearted about him.

You have made an effort to get a career. You are the main wage earner. He doesn't want to look for other jobs and climb up the ladder and improve himself. You are not even on the same page with drive and life goals.

What if in the future you couldn't work ( work accident, illiness etc). And the both of you would have to rely on his wage when you have been used to having the earnings you do. Do you want to struggle? Do you want your kids to struggle or think it's okay to do the bare minimum in life because Daddy has no get up and go.

I think you are settling. It's a relationship of convenience. Sounds like you don't think you can do any better and if you leave him you will be by yourself. You don't sound like an excited bride to be, head over heels. Getting married to this guy would be a massive mistake.

Mabey your mum has a point! Mabey the differences here are way to much. If he is rude to her, it does not make her view of him any better.

OK.... I'm going to dare to say what I think, knowing I'm going to be torn apart for it.

I think that the boyfriend is getting a really hard time on here. He isn't lazy or workshy - he has a job He also has a girlfriend and her mother who look down on him for his job.

Why is he seen as a cocklodger? So his girlfriend earns more money than him. In a relationship one of the people has to make more money. The reason the OP's mum is supporting them isn't because he doesn't earn any money but because she offered that they could live with her so they could save a deposit for a house something frequently held up on here as something parents should do if they can

The OP seems to have clarified that when she said he wasn't nice to her she meant he wasn't romantic with her - not the worst crime in the world. And in any case he's saving for a house deposit with her (and probably wants to save as much as he can as quickly as he can so they no longer have to live with her mum).

He lives in a house with a woman who calls him ugly, disparages his job and is too ashamed of it to tell anyone about it, and who slags off his family. His girlfriend doesn't stand up for him and indeed questions whether she should also feel the same way about him as her mum does.

He has lost his mum and has no support from the rest of his family.

And the bad things he has done? Been rude a couple of times to the woman who is so awful about him, and plays computer games on his phone.

If a woman was posting in his position everyone would be telling her to run for the hills. So cut the cock lodger/lazy/workshy crap.

OP if your boyfriend makes you happy and you want to be with him then stand up for him. If not then leave him.

And your mum is not a very nice person

Well, get you and your oh so perfect family. You and your Mum sound like horrific snobs, shallow and judgemental.
Why don't you let this working man who has, presumably, moved away from everything he knows into his MiL home (never easy for anyone!) for you, go and find a nice caring wife who won't judge him on his looks, birth circumstances or the fact he doesn't speak several languages? maybe you need to grow up before thinking about marriage.

He's not that nice to you, he's rude to your mum, stays in a minimum wage job as he has it all on a plate at home including your mum helping to finacially support - and the problem is your mum?!!!

Unsurprised to see others rushing to call your mum a massive snob - any way to blame and scorn an older woman.

Your mum is lashing out being horrible and disparaging because of who and what your man is - a glorified cocklodger (there are worse things to be than a snob... ) She's hardly going to be all sweetness and light is she? You're her daughter and she wants better for you, if wanting your daughter to aspire to better is "snobbish" then so be it.

Yes she could have worded things in a much better way, but is likely hugely irritated at the fact she also financially supports your man! What kind of man allows or even wants his partners' mum to support him anyway?! & why would you even condone your mum supporting him?

This really is a case of a lazy lame duck falling on his feet, with 2 women feathering the nest

Anyway the main thing here is, you've said he isn't so nice to you. In which case he is not for you, and thats without all the other nonsense

How the hell you got to the point I don't stand up for him?!?!? Jesus... I feel terribly sorry I told my life story which then you misinterpreted in a 4838383 ways. Thanks all who have taken 2 minutes to be kind.

I'm a skint single mum about to do a masters degree (I have a first class BA). I'm also a recovering alcoholic. I wonder where I fit in with your mother's rather narrow world view?

Pedalling the idea that wealth and qualifications make a family 'good', and poverty defines them as 'bad' doesn't really fit with her. (quite frankly deluded) idea that she is some paragon of virtue.

I really hope this turns out to be a joke.

Plus you have made things look 1000 times worse than they are either offending my mother who you don't really know much about or making him look like an asshole. O worded some of my concerns and I do regret it. Again. Thanks.

Sophias7 you wonder why most pp think the same way? Perhaps it's the way you described yourself and your mother, followed by the way you described him - maybe that's what makes people think this way?

I think you should live somewhere else and be independent. I can see why your mother doesn't see him as a great catch but, as others have said, she's not the one in the relationship. And why haven't you met his family? Something doesn't quite add up here!

I agree with deathstare. He is contributing he just can't contribute much because he has a minimum wage job. Given what his background appears to be he may not even be qualified to do anything more.

OP you need to disregard your mums feelings about his attractiveness or his job or his family. What you need to ask yourself is:

Do you love him?
Does he treat you right?
Is he loyal, considerate and dependable?
Is he a good friend as well as a good boyfriend?

If you answered yes to all these you are half way there. You then need to ask yourself.

Does he talk down to you, ignore you for days on end or make you feel worthless?
Does it bother you that his family are how they are?
Could you accept and socialise with them if necessary?
Would you be bothered if he never got a "higher" level job?
Could you be pissed off always being the higher earner?

If you answered yes to any of these you have other problems and need to rethink.

The 'two different worlds' stuff is seeming awfully familiar.

Either way, exactly how long has the guy had to find his feet? I'm guessing he's not native to where you are now? Sorry if I've missed this. When I emigrated to live in DH's home country I was unemployed for a good six months and then worked in fast food for the six months after that. That was all that was available to someone in my position.