Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel trapped in this frienship but not know how to end it?

139 replies

HandcuffedToAGhost · 01/11/2016 01:36

We met in a self-help/ peer support group about 8 years ago but the only thing we had in common was the issue we went there to deal with and I no longer go to the group. She's not done anything wrong and is a kind person but I find her really boring, our lifestyles and priorities, sense of humour and some of our values are really different. I've tried not getting in touch and delaying meeting up hoping we'd sort of drift apart but she won't let go and I although I feel dishonest about staying friends I feel like a selfish cow being resentful about meeting for coffee every couple of weeks when it seems to mean so much to her. She has very few friends although she does have a happy marriage and a job she enjoys. I made a big mistake about 4 years ago taking her up on the offer of staying (with her) in her holiday home for a week because since then I've felt like I'm obliged to stay friends. WIBU to end the friendship and, if not, how the hell do I do it?

OP posts:
Original poster
HandcuffedToAGhost · 03/11/2016 20:34

See, I'd definitely prefer the email if I were being dropped. I'd respect them for being straight. And if I started questioning the whole friendship I'd probably end up thinking they were daft to be false all along. For me, it'd hurt and be a shock but easier to move on than from the slow fade.

OP posts:
chickychickyparmparm · 03/11/2016 20:38

Fair enough, OP.

You know your friend better than we do, can you imagine her having the same respect for your straightness?

Original poster
HandcuffedToAGhost · 03/11/2016 20:41

No. I think she'd be very very hurt Sad

OP posts:
CrotchetQuaverMinim · 03/11/2016 20:42

But the email isn't straight. It's full of lies, like suggesting maybe they both feel that way, wishing her lots of love, etc. - anything that sounds kind is basically a lie, because the whole thing isn't really kind. It doesn't mean it's the wrong decision, but it isn't kind however you dress it up.

I think the slow fade idea is kinder, not because it isn't a lie if you are going to totally dump her, but because it leaves the possibility that you could see her every few months and not hate it. And she might be very grateful for that. Or she might in the meantime be able to move on and not need you so much. You can give her strong hints about finding her constant contact too much, and ask her not to keep on after you've already planned a time to meet. Or finding her views unpleasant and not wanting to be around her when she expresses them, etc. Or saying that you find the gifts and cards intrusive and uncomfortable. But those are behaviours that you're objecting to, rather than her. It gives her a chance to evaluate and change, if she wants to. And you might then be able to tolerate seeing her every few months as a result. So it seems different to me, because it's a Slow Fade to a tolerable relationship, rather than Dumping.

But even a slow fade to dumping would at least let her save face by coming up with other reasons why it wasn't her , if that's what she needed to do, whereas a blunt email about what's wrong with her would be hard to recover from, for someone who is already feeling excluded and left out. She probably isn't as resilient as someone who has good relationships with people, and might be more devastated than others.

Braywatch · 03/11/2016 20:46

I guess if you knew the answer to this you wouldn't have started a thread, but any idea what your friend would consider the kinder or better approach? Do you think she'd rather you were straight with her or would she prefer to save face with a slow fade (when she eventually realises she's being slowly faded)?

AyeAmarok · 03/11/2016 20:55

I think telling her that you have a lot on your plate and you need some space is better. Try and space your meetings out to once a month, then every other month, etc.

I have a friend like this (not as bad, and I do like her, just need a bit less intensity) and I feel really panicked and under pressure when she constantly texts or wants to meet up.

Original poster
HandcuffedToAGhost · 03/11/2016 20:57

Although I'd like to send the email (and forget about the whole thing) I do think slow fade to eventual dumping is kindest for her.

It probably seems like I'm fannying on ridiculously but it feels complex because of how we met. It isn't a simple false-start friendship or two people who got on great but have grown apart.

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityyhat · 03/11/2016 21:14

Sending the email is a whole lot more honest than "slow fading" though, surely. And I'm sure the op does wish her ex friend well for the future and doesn't have any malice towards her.

Giselaw · 03/11/2016 21:15

You can't be honest OP, because she will realise that you have never actually liked her and was never her friend. For years. That's seriously fucked up - for 8 years you've pretended to like her!

You do need to slow fade it starting now.

Limitless · 03/11/2016 21:21

Long fade is the least hurtful.

bumsexatthebingo · 03/11/2016 21:24

I would personally find the slow fade a lot more comfortable if you do bump into her as well. You can ask her how she is and if she suggests meeting up you can be non committal about it but friendly. If you send a dumping email bumping into her would be excruciatingly awkward.

Original poster
HandcuffedToAGhost · 03/11/2016 21:27

Yes, the email is more honest and would make me feel better but not everyone can take honesty. I think she'll be terribly shocked.

I need to stop angsting about the little lies needed for a slow fade. Suddenly realised how self-indulgent I'm being about the smaller hurts she'll feel if I 'busy' her more often when my definite intention is to totally break off contact eventually.

Thank you everyone for helping me get my thinking a bit straighter.

OP posts:
Hotwaterbottle1 · 03/11/2016 21:29

Although my friend doing the fade to me is obvious & a bit hurtful I'd much prefer that to the email. That would hurt me so badly. I'd question everything, be really upset, feel the need to respond asking what I had done etc. Please don't send that.

TheLegendOfBeans · 03/11/2016 21:31

Watching with interest.

I remember reading a piece a few years ago (might have been Cosmopolitan) and there is basically no nice way to dump a friend. There just isn't. The feelings involved with a friend vs dumping a shit gf/bf are so different and less "intense" so the momentum of "i have had enough of this and cannot take it anymore" isn't there in the majority of cases.

Unless a better suggestion comes along, the only route you seem to have is the slow fade. The risk of this is that she calls you out on it and you have to basically tell her straight. And you will feel like utter dogshit for a long time - especially as it sounds like you bonded at a particularly distressing time for both of you.

I wish you all the best; you are going to feel so pants regardless of what you do as you sound like a nice, fair person.

Sometimes friendships - like any relationship - just don't work anymore like they did to begin with. And it's still a controversial topic as so much focus exists nowadays on friendships and their importance; of course friendships are important but where there's a "maintenance imbalance" that's when it becomes a drag. Just like a relationship with a partner cringes at use of partner.

All the best and remember - this isn't really your fault, it's just life and things change.

Lovelyideas · 03/11/2016 21:33

a long fade over about 40 years should be absolutely fine, I don't know what we're fretting about....

TheLegendOfBeans · 03/11/2016 21:33

Oh, I'm watching with interest btw as two of my "best" friends are totally doing this to me and have been withdrawing since I had a baby (first in the group to do so). I could wring their fucking necks but I'm withdrawing too as I've picked up on the vibes and feel hurt and punished for having the audacity to have a baby.

Ho hum.

TheLegendOfBeans · 03/11/2016 21:34

Excuse my thread hogging by the way x

Original poster
HandcuffedToAGhost · 03/11/2016 21:37

Thank you legend

Slow Firm Fade it is. Any text I send her in 2016 will include the words 'see you in the New Year'

OP posts:
P0ndLife · 03/11/2016 21:44

Interesting thread!
Is there no way you could be honest in person? Just in conversation over coffee?
"Oh yes, I meant to say, you've got to stop with all these texts my dear! It's a bit full on, a bit overwhelming... Do you remember how you told me people don't take up with you socially... I think you might be coming on strong..."
Said gently, honestly of course

Original poster
HandcuffedToAGhost · 03/11/2016 21:53

lovely Stop it, you're giving me nightmares Shock

OP posts:
TheLegendOfBeans · 03/11/2016 21:58

One last thing (and in no way is this venty; no, no, not at all) but you could become a really annoying version of yourself? Giving out advice where it's not wanted, giving judgy responses where there should be support and finally being a do-gooding preachy twat who's got seemingly enough time to post worthy hand-wringing shit all over Facebook but not enough time for a quick 5min catch up on the phone (in between "meetings") about something that's in the diary that's yet to be fully confirmed.

Phew. That felt good to get out. I'll stop derailing your thread now xxxx

Notsurewhy2020 · 03/11/2016 22:03

Why not just tell her? I know, easier said that done, but in my opinion, I think the slow fade is cruel.

All this 'answer some text and not others' or 'leave a day or two between answering', seems cold and quite calculated. Either completely cut her off or tell her; that way, there can only be the outcome you want.

AvocadoLemon · 03/11/2016 22:04

Actually, having read this, you've all made me realise that I am the friend being slow faded. Not OPS friend- just to be clear- I think, anyway.
I realise I'm no longer useful to my friend and how really she just couldn't have liked me at all.

That. Really. Hurts.

CrotchetQuaverMinim · 03/11/2016 22:18

I think there are two important differences with the slow fade, though. One is that it might not lead to a complete cut off. If if gets down to just a catch-up every couple of months, the OP might find that her kindness does stretch that far, even if meeting up every other week is too much. It gives the friend a chance to change, as well, if the OP can tell her specific things about her behaviour that she finds difficult (like asking her not to text so often). It allows more ebb and flow, and for things to naturally change in the relationship, for better or worse. Maybe the friend will take some of the hints and stop texting and calling so often, if she is told that is too intrusive. Maybe the OP will find that she can bear a coffee every so often for the sake of kindness, or at least non-awkwardness on those occasions when they do meet. Maybe the OP will find there is something that she enjoys about catching up every six months, even if it's hard to imagine it at all at the moment!

But also, there are many good and reasonable reasons why people fade away. They don't have to mean that the friendship never existed really, or that someone is being deliberately faded out. You can quite genuinely find that you have less time, or that you need to spread your time between more people, or that you are drifting away from someone but still value their company on occasion. It definitely doesn't always mean that one person really dislikes the other, although obviously it can. But the fact that there are other reasons means that it isn't clear cut and doesn't have to be completely cruel.

3luckystars · 04/11/2016 03:03

Could you say "look, I'm having an affair, its taking up all my time at the moment, so sorry we cant meet up anymore until its finished.."

And hope that she hates you and tries to avoid you.