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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel trapped in this frienship but not know how to end it?

139 replies

HandcuffedToAGhost · 01/11/2016 01:36

We met in a self-help/ peer support group about 8 years ago but the only thing we had in common was the issue we went there to deal with and I no longer go to the group. She's not done anything wrong and is a kind person but I find her really boring, our lifestyles and priorities, sense of humour and some of our values are really different. I've tried not getting in touch and delaying meeting up hoping we'd sort of drift apart but she won't let go and I although I feel dishonest about staying friends I feel like a selfish cow being resentful about meeting for coffee every couple of weeks when it seems to mean so much to her. She has very few friends although she does have a happy marriage and a job she enjoys. I made a big mistake about 4 years ago taking her up on the offer of staying (with her) in her holiday home for a week because since then I've felt like I'm obliged to stay friends. WIBU to end the friendship and, if not, how the hell do I do it?

OP posts:
Lovelyideas · 01/11/2016 14:32

can I just say I don't mind if you are friends with her or not but the use of the word

"obligated"

instead of

"obliged"

is bothering me.

Lovelyideas · 01/11/2016 14:34

.... right now we've established it's "obliged"....

is there any way you can be more direct about how you want to move away from who you were at the old self-help group (it's hard to say more without knowing what the issues were but I take it it was quite intense so she has probably misread who-you-were-then as who-you-are-now).

SaucyJack · 01/11/2016 14:38

Would you like her more if you saw (a lot) less of her?

Seeing her every two weeks is a lot. It's perfectly understandable that you're struggling to find stuff to talk about.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder an' all.

Every two months sounds plenty.

RupertPupkin · 01/11/2016 14:39

Why can't you use "obligated?"

obligated (ˈɒblɪɡeɪtɪd)
adj
having the feeling that it is one's duty to do something, or that one is legally bound to do it: obligated to fulfil the contract.

Ragwort · 01/11/2016 15:04

Seeing someone every couple of weeks is a lot - I only see my 'best friend' about four times a year as we both lead very busy lives.

I too know some people like this who are incredibly needy and it does seem that they don't take the hint about letting a friendship drift (I often wonder why I attract people like this Grin).

Can you combine meeting her with doing something you like - ie: I had a boring 'friend' and I used to insist we went for a walk rather than just sitting and having a drink so at least I was getting some exercise.

Original poster
HandcuffedToAGhost · 01/11/2016 16:14

Responses have reduced my sense of obligation hugely, thank you! I'm going with katy06 "sorry but I've got a lot on my plate at the moment. Probably best if I get in touch when I've got some free time. Take care" as that feels like a clear boundary setting.

I've tried cinema, walks and nice meals but then I've become someone she does nice things with so she wants to meet up even more often! Ignoring/delaying text responses seems rude and it means they're constantly on my mind. Anyway she just keeps texting until I reply.

Will just have very quick coffee with her this evening then do what katy said.

OP posts:
Katy07 · 01/11/2016 16:20

Instead of ignoring or delaying text messages just read and delete. That way you don't need to think about them again! Anyone who keeps texting until you reply is very thick-skinned anyway.
But glad my advice is helpful Halo It's been worth all the hours I've spent wasted on here today Grin

bibbitybobbityyhat · 01/11/2016 16:30

Obligated obligated obligated obligated obligated obligated OBLIGATED OBLIGATED

Right, now we've established you're a pompous arse lovelyideas can we get back to op's dilemma?

SilentBiscuits · 01/11/2016 17:16

bibbity Grin

Darwinisafish · 01/11/2016 17:33

I could have written the op. In fact had one written a few weeks ago but did not post ! Have been trying the slow fade on a friend for about 2 years. In the previous year I had reduced to just the cinema so we couldn't talk listen to her moan all evening. I even told her a year ago that I was v busy and unable to meet up.

Texts did not stop, every few weeks, along the lines of " hope we can meet soon", looking forward to a chat etc etc. I have responded to every 3 or 4 with a bland " life is so busy", " I'll get in touch " texts but still it continues. Sorry, but someone who does not get it after 7 consecutive text messages does not want to get it or gets it but does not want to give up.

You have all my sympathies, interestingly we met in similar circumstances ( church group) that I have left, otherwise we have nothing in common, apart from having seen a lot of movies Sad

Hotwaterbottle1 · 01/11/2016 17:40

Ive got someone doing this to me now. It's really hurtful as I don't understand why. I certainly was not sending loads of texts, just the odd message but her message is loud & clear. I'd rather she just told me why. However as she is emigrating next year I've decided to just put it to the back of my mind.

Lovelyideas · 01/11/2016 18:13

"you're a pompous arse"
and you aren't being very nice so I don't need to reply.

Lovelyideas · 01/11/2016 18:15

good for you hotwaterbottle.

sometimes it's best not to know why, you are doing the right thing.

TheCatsBiscuits · 01/11/2016 18:25

You weren't obligated to reply, and yet you felt obliged to. How ironic.

[strokes chin]

TheoriginalLEM · 01/11/2016 19:27

it just seems a shame that this woman will have been part of your support network ehen you needed her but now that things have improved for you she is suddenly a pain in the arse Hmm

Lovelyideas · 01/11/2016 19:45

I just wanted to really.

Cricrichan · 01/11/2016 19:59

I think you've paid your dues!! Meeting every two weeks with someone you dislike - jeez.

Take a while to reply and then just simply say that you can't and no explanation why. People move on. I don't see people that I like because we're too busy and our paths don't cross like they used to.

Backingvocals · 01/11/2016 20:25

I think a slow fade is fine.

We've all had friends that we've become less close to and either slowly let the friendship go or been let go ourselves iyswim. I don't necessarily need people to tell me why they don't like me as much as they used to ten years ago! I'd rather read the runes and let the chapter close naturally (and many other mixed metaphors...)

I agree that replying to texts is not obligatory (one is not obligated or obliged to respond). Let some go unanswered. Answer others with a "Bit busy now - speak soon". Even if you crumble eventually you'll have moved beyond the every two weeks thing which sounds unbearable to me.

Original poster
HandcuffedToAGhost · 01/11/2016 20:53

originalLEM if that were the case I certainly be a right cunt however history is that she wasn't ever my support - I'd been group member for years so when she joined I was in a mentor type relationship with her (I left group partly because of discomfort with this set-up).

hotwaterbottle I've been dropped by friends too and found it horribly painful which is why I'm stuck about what to do here.

Anyway, having met for coffee earlier I really want it to be the last time. She bought me a couple of presents (as usual) and showed me lots of phone photos and I just felt such a fraud.

darwin what are you going to do?

OP posts:
WinchesterWoman · 01/11/2016 20:57

HI, if you are really struggling why don't you think of her as a befriending charity case. give yourself some noble points and a halo when you see her. It's like when you befriend old people.

It's just that the time she takes up in your life seems to be disproportionate to distress it's causing you. Do you think this would be a solution that would be kind to her and limit the distress to you?

WinchesterWoman · 01/11/2016 20:57

x post
the presents is awful she must be really desperate

FluffyEwok · 01/11/2016 21:51

What dont you like about her? Is she really awful?

AvaCrowder · 01/11/2016 21:57

I've got a pal like this. I avoid her, she texts me. Then I suggest something neutral, like the cinema, and she follows me into my house, and stays the night. Not every time but often. I don't dislike her, but I love my own space. We don't have much in common and I've been at a loss what to do.

MissMoo22 · 01/11/2016 22:18

Ouch, just reading what a slow fade is, I've now realised I was subjected to one a few years ago and I can tell you it fucking hurts. Ex friend was really prominent in my life and I helped her through quite a bit. I encouraged her to do things she felt she had no confidence for like get a job, learn to drive and introduced her to other friends when she had none herself. Then she did all those things and gained masses of confidence and I, on the other hand, for the first time in my life suffered from depression after a family member became seriously ill. Yep, she used the old slow fade on me and dropped me like a hot turd when I was at my lowest. I'm guessing she couldn't be arsed to listen to me have a moan. I think she's a cunt and it was a rotten thing to do but whatever, I'm absolutely not over it.

Original poster
HandcuffedToAGhost · 01/11/2016 22:35

No she's not really awful, she has good qualities but she's very very 'straight' and has led a really narrow life so can be prim and judgemental (yes I know I'm judging her here!). She's wealthy and I'm not which is tricky at times.

OP posts: