Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To feel trapped in this frienship but not know how to end it?

139 replies

HandcuffedToAGhost · 01/11/2016 01:36

We met in a self-help/ peer support group about 8 years ago but the only thing we had in common was the issue we went there to deal with and I no longer go to the group. She's not done anything wrong and is a kind person but I find her really boring, our lifestyles and priorities, sense of humour and some of our values are really different. I've tried not getting in touch and delaying meeting up hoping we'd sort of drift apart but she won't let go and I although I feel dishonest about staying friends I feel like a selfish cow being resentful about meeting for coffee every couple of weeks when it seems to mean so much to her. She has very few friends although she does have a happy marriage and a job she enjoys. I made a big mistake about 4 years ago taking her up on the offer of staying (with her) in her holiday home for a week because since then I've felt like I'm obliged to stay friends. WIBU to end the friendship and, if not, how the hell do I do it?

OP posts:

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 01/11/2016 22:43

does she know how different you both are? I know I will nod and smile along with people saying the most rediculous things when I don't particularly care about their opinion. Have you been doing that whilst thinking she's a bit of a dick? Might she just think you are on her wavelength?
If that's the situation then I'd just start disagreeing when she says something you disagree with or talking about things you really like but that she doesn't. Not in a way that you're trying to be rude just in a way that you're talking like you would do with someone who you actually get on with without the politeness filter that you use for superficial meaningless chat.
If you do that she might work out for herself that you're not as suited to friendship as she thought you were.

Electrolens · 01/11/2016 22:44

That's really tough OP. You obviously don't feel close to her so need to space out your meetings. Explain that you need some space and can't meet so often.

Yes, it's difficult to contact someone and be told they can't see you. But it's worse to keep meeting up with someone who really doesn't want to be there.

Could you suggest a local group? ie 'I saw an ad for this Pilates/mums and kids/book group and thought you might like it so passing on the info. I've got so much on at the moment I can't meet right now though. Take care'

Then I think you can not reply to some messages.

Darwinisafish · 01/11/2016 22:47

I don't know what to do currently sitting on an invitation for dinner despite not having responded to any texts for about 3 months

I think your friend brought the presents precisely because you hadn't responded to her 7 messages. It resets the clock so to speak, so now you have to start again....

Original poster

HandcuffedToAGhost · 01/11/2016 22:59

And she never swears.

OP posts:

FlyingGaribaldi · 01/11/2016 23:03

Honestly, I do not see my very closest friends in the world anywhere near once a fortnight, so seeing someone you dislike that often seems like a hideous waste of time all round!

Original poster

HandcuffedToAGhost · 01/11/2016 23:47

Oh believe me electrolens I've encouraged her to do other stuff but she seems happy with DH, job, holiday home and me.

I'm not especially interesting or wildly popular, I think she just met me at her most vulnerable time and has massively overestimated my role in her 'recovery' so is overly attached and loyal to me.

And that's why I've let this drag on so long - I'm usually pretty straight with people but uttery failed here.

foxes I've been doing that more and more this past year but I think she sees me as her exciting/different friend. I can imagine her going home to DH saying "ooh you'll never guess what handcuffed thinks..."

OP posts:

DailyMailPenisPieces · 02/11/2016 00:22

Don't slow fade. Just be honest to a point. Say you can't talk now but will get in touch in the summer for a chat. I would hate to be a charity friend.

DailyMailPenisPieces · 02/11/2016 00:22

& don't make contact next time. If she doesn't make contact, leave it.

ProseccoBitch · 02/11/2016 00:37

Can you use the reason you met as the reason to end it? Say seeing her reminds you of a time (when you needed the support group) that you were unhappy and you need to physically step away from anything that reminds you of that time in order to move on?

Hotwaterbottle1 · 02/11/2016 07:36

Thats a good idea proseco

Original poster

HandcuffedToAGhost · 02/11/2016 11:02

I'm still good friends with a couple of other people I met at the group so she'd know that's a lie.

OP posts:

Thundercake · 02/11/2016 13:10

The fact she's giving you presents means she's onto you and knows you're trying to phase her out. Presents up the guilt factor. The one person I un-friended in real life was, on the surface, the nicest person in the world and would do anything for people.. too much in fact. And then she had you, you were always indebted to her. The more I pulled away the more helpful she became.

I said it up thread already, hide behind an email and tell her you're sorry, she's lovely, you need space. If I was being ditched I'd want an email rather than face to face confession

Original poster

HandcuffedToAGhost · 02/11/2016 15:04

Yes exactly that thunder. When I haven't invited her to my birthday party/meal she's insisted on taking me out to an expensive restaurant as a birthday present.

OP posts:

DailyMailPenisPieces · 02/11/2016 15:42

How have you let it continue this long if you find her so dull?

Original poster

HandcuffedToAGhost · 02/11/2016 16:26

Because for the first few years we were both members of a self-help group so I'd see her there a couple of times a week. Sometimes a few of us would go for a coffee after the group and occasionally she'd give me (and another person) a lift home.

When I left the group a couple of years ago she kept texting to arrange meeting up. Although I didn't want to it felt unkind to say no and I thought 'oh a coffee every few months won't put me out'. But she's demanded wanted much more than this and, through mixture of my confusion about leaving the group, pity for her, feeling obliged because of the presents and free holiday and avoidance of awkward conversations, I've allowed it to happen.

I know I got myself into this situation and suppose I've been looking for a way out that wouldn't hurt her but it's really clear now that there isn't one.

OP posts:

willconcern · 02/11/2016 19:41

MissMoo

Please don't 'slow fade' OP. I've been thinking about this thread on & off today, and I think 2 friends are doing this to me, and have been for several months. I introduced them to eachother ironically. I have no idea why. I've been hurt & confused by it. These were people I chatted with regularly, shared problems with (mutually, not just me sharing mine!), had a coffee with at least once a week, whose DPs I know and socialise with sometimes in a group. A 'slow fade' by both has left me questioning myself - what did I do wrong? Are they discussing it and doing it together? Why are people who I thought were mates suddenly not returning calls or messages? I decided to back off from both of them as it was hurting and I don't want to be that needy friend. I would much rather they had said sorry we don't want to socialise with you any more because [whatever the problem is]. That way at least I'd know what was happening & not question whether to send that further text, or invite them on that night out.

Lovelyideas · 02/11/2016 20:05

The more you think about this thread, the harder it gets to find a solution.

It tells you a lot about life!

Have you considered leaving the country? Or dying? Or going to prison?

Lovelyideas · 02/11/2016 20:06

Even your use of "obliged" is not inspiring me to find a solution.

hazell42 · 03/11/2016 06:42

I think you are being rather disrespectful to your friend. I would hate it if someone met me every two weeks out of guilt because of a holiday I let them have four years ago. If you don't want to meet her, say so. She's not a horrible person and she has family, so she is not alone. I think you are being just a little bit arrogant in assuming your friendship means so much she will be devastated if you cut ties.
Be honest with her. And if you can't do that, at least be polite, think up a reason you can't meet anymore and let the poor woman have a bit of dignity

Olddear · 03/11/2016 06:58

I don't swear. I never realised that made me a boring friend.

cansu · 03/11/2016 07:02

Just see her less frequently. I tend to find I can have a coffee and a chat with most kinds of people without it having to be friendship of the year.

Ragwort · 03/11/2016 07:52

It's very, very difficult to tell someone you don't want to see them as hazel42 is suggesting, social convention dictates that most of us are polite and friendly to most people ............. and usually we realise when the friendship isn't more than a superficial meet up every few months and know ourselves when to back off. I have met some lovely people in the past but they have'nt responded more than once or twice to an invitation to coffee or a gym class/whatever .......... so I have learned to back off even though I might have liked their friendship. I don't take it personally, I know people are busy and I do have a wide enough circle anyway.

But how to deal politely with someone who just doesn't 'get it' is really a problem. There are, sadly, some incredibly needy people around, with, for want of a better expression, incredibly thick skins.

Lovelyideas · 03/11/2016 08:14

What would say if this was a romantic relationship?

That you had changed?

Thundercake · 03/11/2016 08:57

Hazel42 I don't the OP is being arrogant at all. All the evidence suggests this friendship does mean more to the other party and therefore it's fair to presume she'll be disappointed and hurt when the OP ends it. Maybe the friend needs to be dignified herself rather than OP needing to give her dignity, she needs to read the social cues and back off

ScrubbedPine · 03/11/2016 09:35

I don't think the OP is being arrogant either - she's trying to deal sensitively with the fact that the relationship - which she admits she shouldn't have entered into because it started off in the context of a self-help group, presumably mutual vulnerability and hence obligation - means far more to the other person than to her. As shown by the fact that the other person has done all the pursuing, seems deaf to any hints that they tone the friendship down and has given expensive presents etc.

I think the reason some people have been so hostile to the OP is that the flipside of this scenario comes up again and again on Mn - my friend keeps ignoring my texts about meeting, not inviting me to her parties, and I've gone to a lot of trouble to give her lovely birthday presents, but I never get anything back etc etc.

People are visualising themselves as the unwanted friend in this scenario, rather than the OP who is looking for advice on how to end a friendship without unduly hurting the other person.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread