To feel trapped in this frienship but not know how to end it?

[HandcuffedToAGhost]

We met in a self-help/ peer support group about 8 years ago but the only thing we had in common was the issue we went there to deal with and I no longer go to the group. She's not done anything wrong and is a kind person but I find her really boring, our lifestyles and priorities, sense of humour and some of our values are really different. I've tried not getting in touch and delaying meeting up hoping we'd sort of drift apart but she won't let go and I although I feel dishonest about staying friends I feel like a selfish cow being resentful about meeting for coffee every couple of weeks when it seems to mean so much to her. She has very few friends although she does have a happy marriage and a job she enjoys. I made a big mistake about 4 years ago taking her up on the offer of staying (with her) in her holiday home for a week because since then I've felt like I'm obliged to stay friends. WIBU to end the friendship and, if not, how the hell do I do it?

I don't understand why you can't just send a one line saying - 'sorry am really busy at the mo, you know how it is! Too much to fit in so will have to give our meet ups a miss for a bit but take care, will miss our coffees blah blah' And then stop. If she chases you (unlikely) then just repeat.

You are not 12 - all this angst about slow fading, ignoring texts and trying to make awkward hints are just bitchy. Only the British do this nonsense and it's embarrassing. I am sure the world won't end if you are polite and give a reason for lack of future contact and draw a line under it. You wouldn't let your kids behave like this would you?

I was in this position, including the gifts - because I felt sorry for the recipient. The gifts were ones we didn't want but I thought it would be a nice thought and I'd get rid of them at the same time. I didn't love the meet ups either but because it took an hour out my life every so often, it wasn't a bother. Im also very busy so didn't give it the headspace to understand the carefully crafted hints and ignoring but then popping up from nowhere. It didn't seem like such a big deal. I certainly wouldn't have been bothered if politely dropped but i did mind the whole farce of it. I since found out she must have spent hours 'torturing' herself and gossiping about it. I wish she'd just found herself a proper hobby but apparently she's found a new person who's filled my role and her agony begins again.

Judging from this thread I think a lot of people need special guidance on how to manage relationships. No wonder we've got bullying problems in schools, the parents have no clue how to act in polite society.

castiron I don't understand if you were the one trying to end the friendship or the one being dropped?

hazel I am being disrespectful which is why I want it to end. lovelyideas if it were a couple relationship I'd feel able to talk with friends about it, in this situation doing that feels gossipy and mean (some of them know her). Also it's not unusual for couples to break up and for it to be messy/upsetting, there are conventions that there don't seem to be in splitting with a friendship.

Saying I'm busy/away has never worked before. I get a text after a week 'has life quietned down? When's a good time to meet?' She knows I'm not too busy to see friends because she knows other friends.

The two times that I've been dropped the most painful part has been the confusion which is why Slow Fade, or lying about being busy, seems cruel (and it would take ages to get through to her in this case). I did take the hint but, years on, I can still puzzle about it and feel devastated a little hurt.

I'm leaving town

who was that bloke that lived under an assumed name in South America for years and years?

is that an option?

you are right - it is much harder than ending a romantic relationship.

I'd find it more hurtful to be told directly that my friendship wasn't wanted. A slow fade is bad enough, but at least you can sort of console yourself that you are still friends, just not at all close, but being told outright would be humiliating for me. Both are hurtful, and there's probably really no other way around it than hurting her, if you definitely don't want to see her again at all.

Perhaps you can arrange a date for the future - like for two months time - and then keep referring to that when she asks to meet up "sorry, so many people to see, will see you for that film/play/coffee in Dec"; "sorry, limited time for socialising these days and have to make sure I have time to see everyone, see you later"; "sorry, if I met up with you again this week, there just woudln't be time to get stuff done and see people I need to, looking forward to seeing you for that coffee in Dec"; etc etc. Then she has something to look forward to, but it doesn't take loads out of your life etc.

Thinking of her as a pity friend, and feeling bad about it, doesn't really work if it is true that you are her only friend, because, pity or not, she might need you. It would be easy to start justifying dropping someone by saying to yourself "oh it is disrespectful to her to only be friends out of obligation, because she deserves real friends who value her for herself", if it's the case that she doesn't actually have any real friends who value her, and isn't likely to be getting any. It doesn't mean you have to stick with her, but you have to be aware of that when you are choosing to dump her, and not dress it up in ideas about respecting her to make yourself feel better (Of course, it could be that she could get lots of other friends who would respect her, in which case, it is fine to say/think that about a pity friendship). But it's worth thinking about. Nobody wants to admit that they are dumping someone being it's boring, tiresome, etc. - it's much more acceptable to tell ourselves that it's because it's more respectful to the other person to allow them to make real friends - but it's possible that the person actually needs your pity/charity, and it's good to consider that as a possibility. Even so, you can put limits on what you are prepared to give, and how often you can and will see her. And it might need a direct conversation saying that you have only a given amount of time to do a lot of things, so this is when you can meet up with her, and that's it.

That seems less cruel to me.

And it is of course still up to you to decide that you don't want her as a pity friend, even if she needs it. You have limits on what you want to do and are prepared to do for other people, and maybe this has got too much for you. So even if she does need it, if it's detrimental to you, or if you just decide you can't be bothered with it, then you can say no. I just think it's good to be honest with yourself and really know your motivations, rather than just assuming that being a pity friend is disrespectful. It is, for some people, but for others is needed. Other times, the person is problematic/annoying/etc enough that it doesn't seem worth the stress to you to continue it, even if they need it. But at least you are aware that that's why you are making the decision.

As soon as you actually manage to unfriend her you'll spend the rest of your life in a sweat you're going to bump into her! It's a lose lose situation.

The slow fade is the kinder of the 2 options. I think wondering why someone no longer wants to meet up is better than knowing for certain you have been dropped because that person doesn't like you/want to spend any time with you. There is absolutely no way you can be honest about it without causing a lot of unnecessary upset. Friendships naturally come and go. When people have a lot in common they see more of each other - when they don't it drifts. It reads a bit like you're revelling in the power you have in the relationship now tbh. It's easy enough to say you're busy - it doesn't matter whether it adds up perfectly or not. She will get over it.

And there was me feeling powerless bumsex - it feels like she's the one with the power in this relationship and I've been a wimp in danger of becoming a martyr. Which is why I'm trying to get a grip.

Thanks crochet that was useful. I want out because I find her boring, don't like many of her views etc, not to free her up to make real friends.

As I've said upthread, she has happy family and work life so she isn't all alone. Over the years she's talked a lot about how painful she finds being left out of social things, not getting replies to texts etc - I'm now wondering if she's tried to be friends with other people who've been more successful than me at keeping their distance.

I don't believe slow fade will work. Making a date for a couple of months ahead would mean seeing her less but I just know there'd be lots of texts, emails, even cards between times.

Anyway the more I think /post / read responses about it the clearer it is that I simply don't want her in my life at all and I suppose I wanted to be told that's okay.

Right, I feel resolved... (but I've been here before )

I suppose we have to distinguish between what's kinder to the OP and what's kinder to the friend?

OP have you faked your own death yet?

you know the different values thing? Is this something you can say you feel divides you? eg violently different views on something really controversial like religion?

I guess as long as you know the motivations for your decision, and the possible consequences for her and that you are still resolved that it is the right thing for you to do, then you just have to find a way to do it as kindly as possible. I think it is good to think it through like that - you've decided that she bores you and you don't like her views, and not having to put up with that is more important to you than the kindness that you would be doing to her, even knowing that she feels left out a lot. It doesn't mean that it's the wrong decision, but I think laying it out like that and being honest about it is important, because it does make you evaluate just how irritating she is and how much it affects you and how much you can and will give, and how much you want to be selfish and not have to do something you don''t want to. Everyone has a different line of where and when they are going to choose to be selfish and not do something kind when they otherwise could, and it doesn't make them bad, but having that self-awareness to realise that that is what you are choosing, is important.

and if you have decided to ditch her, then finding a kindly way of doing it is best - I think slow fade out, giving her some definite days in a couple of months, and then ignoring the calls/texts/presents in the meantime, firmly if needed, with the explanations of 'no, not time now as I'm doing other things, need that time to see other people, etc., see you in Dec'. And repeat, or ignore. If she's hurt by that, it will be the first clue that you don't want to be close, and she can adapt. It won't be instant, but a gradual process that might take her a while to accept. And you can be clearer about what views you don't like of hers - that is something you could be direct about - not telling her that you don't like her, or don't like spending time with her, but telling her that you don't like those views and don't want to hear them and don't want to spend time with someone that says such things, etc. That will put an end to each meet up where she expresses them. I think you can't be worried about upsetting her with little things like not replying to stuff or her finding out you are out with other people, and then at the same time, planning to upset her big-time by ditching her. The little upsets might be worth it, and she might herself decide that the friendship isn't what she's looking for.

What a sad thread. Do you really think you couldn't stand to have a coffee with her once every 8/10 weeks? I have a friend that I have absolutely nothing in common with but she's always been very kind to me and I can't ever imagine not even giving her the time of day. But of course you are not obliged to have this woman in your life if you really can't bear her. A little kindness to someone who needs it goes a long way though.

But it's not having a coffee every 8/10 weeks, this particular friend wants to meet with the OP every 2 weeks - that to me is a lot, I don't even have a 'date' with my own DH more than 4-5 times a year .

Meeting the same person every two weeks - unless at a mutually agreed hobby/gym class/volunteering event is a lot in my opinion.

But the op isn't prepared to do anything to space the meetings out. It's easy enough to say you're busy or ignore/take a long time to reply to a few texts but she's adamant it's kinder to tell the woman she doesn't want to spend time with her...strange.

But the OP could arrange to just see this woman every couple of months. She doesn't have to see her every couple of weeks.

Well we're going round in circles here a bit aren't we?

Op really does not want to be friends with this woman, she is quite certain about it, but her "friend" is not reading the usual clues and backing away.

It's almost a tiny bit like stalking (although obviously not so serious). I think op has to email her. Perhaps when she next texts for a meetup? Something like

"I'm sorry friend, but I don't think I can meet up with you any more. To be honest, I feel our friendship has run its course because really we have nothing in common now that we no longer go to x group together. It was great to meet you and I am grateful for everything over the years, but I think we no longer have the common values and interests and genuine time for each other that proper friends should have. I am sorry if this is hurtful, I hope it isn't, and that perhaps you have had the same feelings as me! Lots of love and luck for the future xx"

Oh bumsex I have managed to reduce the meetups to once a fortnight!

When I left the group she wanted us to keep seeing each other a couple of times a week. I regularly ignore texts or take days to reply. I've lied about being ill/busy/away to put off meetings. But it's bullshit and the lies have to be remembered because she asks if I'm feeling better or how was holiday, as anybody would. The ongoing deceit isn't right.

All I'm 'adamant' about is that I don't want to see her anymore. I've run out of kindness or sympathy or arrogance or ego or whatever kept me in the 'friendship'. I don't know what's really least hurtful to her but crotchets Slow (Firm) Fade makes a lot of sense, even though it's not how I'd like to be dropped.

I've never known anyone officially dump a friend in real life unless they've gone nc for a serious reason - abuse, nastiness etc. It's just not necessary. With even the most thick skinned people if you keep telling them you're busy and avoid replying to excessive messages they will get the message eventually - or not but you would still be able to phase out meeting with them by just not agreeing to meet.
I'd much rather have someone think I'm a bit scatty replying to messages/have a lot on so we don't see each other so much than spell it out in black and white that I just don't want to spend time with them because they aren't an enjoyable person to be around. There's no need whatsoever to be so blunt and callous about it.

I'd feel humiliated to get that. I can't see how anyone would find it other than hurtful, and it's pretty obvious that the friend hasn't had the same feelings, and that the OP doesn't really send her lots of love or she wouldn't be saying it. It would come across to me as a recipient like the writer was just trying to make herself feel better about dumping me.

I don't think the OP has really tried hard to reduce the frequency of the meetings - it will take some time for it to sink in, and the friend will be hurt that she doesn't respond to the text, cards, gifts, etc, but not as hurt as she would be by being totally dumped and told so. If the OP could worry less about the little upsets that would be caused by the friend finding out that she was out with others, or still seeing people involved in the original group, etc, then she might be able to scale it back to a manageable level of every few months. She might have to be more blunt than usual, or more repetitive in her refusals to answer, ignoring, etc., but she wouldn't have to go the whole hog and send a message that leaves no way for the friend to feel OK about herself.

oh sorry, cross posted with your update about the other ways you have tried to reduce the frequency

Handcuffed you can reduce the contact to as little as you like. She doesn't have a gun to your head. You don't have to agree to meet her on any occasion she suggests. You don't have to say you're busy doing X or something you can be tripped up on. Something vague like you've got a lot on or just that you're busy is all the detail that's needed.

Yes bibbity ! That email's exactly what I want to send. Just when I'd decided Slow Firm Fade. FFS. Going round in circles is exactly right, my heads been like a tumble drier with this...

Think I'll just leave a little pile of clothes on the beach

Oh gosh, I'd honestly be devastated to receive an email saying someone didn't want to be friends with me. It would leave me questioning the whole relationship, wondering if it had been fake all along.

Sorry, I know a lot of people don't like the slow fade but I think it is kinder as there's room for her to think it's your fault, not hers.

What a tough situation OP, there's no easy answer. It comes down to whether you can bear to say anything to her I think. I'm not suggesting blunt honesty, as I probably would find it hurtful to have it laid out why someone no longer wanted to be friends with me, there's no getting away from the fact that someone has a fundamental problem with you that they can't get past in that scenario.

Could you phrase it as something like 'I've been thinking about how frequently we meet up, and I'd prefer to do it once a month/once every two months, at the moment I feel like we haven't got much to discuss as we see each other so often and I'm struggling to find things to talk about,' so that it kind of makes it sound as if you're the boring one. Do you want to avoid seeing her completely or would reducing the meet ups help?

My other suggestion is to get a time-consuming hobby or join a gym and say how much you want to get fit/get your money's worth and have that as a ready excuse for not meeting as frequently and doing a bit of a slow fade... That's probably what I'd do, but I'm a wimp!

Sorry, thread moved on a bit whilst I took forever typing. Bibbity's email is good I think if you prefer to be direct.