...to want to take my dad up on this offer?

[saffynool]

This may be a bit long so apologies in advance but trying to avoid drip-feeding!

Dp and I have been together for 5 years. We live together in rented accommodation with my ds from a previous relationship. This has been a tough year for a variety of reasons and things have been a bit wobbly at times, with both of us broaching the subject of splitting. However, each time, we have got back on a good footing. I would like this to be a permanent relationship, but equally I am not scared of being alone.

One of the main issues for us has been money. We both work fulltime in professional roles, although at the moment I earn a fair bit more than dp. I pay for the majority of rent/bills due to higher income and the fact that dp is paying off debts from previous mismanagement of finances. He is sorting this but it takes time, and his attitude to money is still a bit 'bung it on the credit card', which is difficult for me as I am the opposite.

Anyway, the issue is this. Recently, my lovely mum died, leaving my dad in a large and mostly unused house. He is adamant that he does not want to sell, but he has offered for me, dp and ds to come and live there, if we would like to.

The house is big enough for me dp and ds to have our own bedrooms, bathroom, study, sitting room and dining room etc. Far more space than we could ever hope to afford on our own. My dad is very laid back and would never interfere with us. He would have his own living and working space; we would share a kitchen and garden/outside space etc. Dp and I would take over most of the household finances, helping out my dad and leaving us better off too. I would be able to keep a close eye on dad as well, which would help my state of mind as I have become very anxious about him since mum died.

For me, this is a no-brainer. No more wasting money on paying off someone else's mortgage with nothing to show for it and no financial security. Able to be close to my dad and support him. Lower outgoings so that there is less pressure on us and dp can pay off his debts faster. If it was just me and ds, I would go for it.

However, I know dp will reject the idea. And whilst I do, absolutely, understand that few people relish the idea of living with the in-laws, to my mind the positives vastly outweigh the negatives here. But his attitude to my dad (who really likes and respects him) has always been one of 'barely tolerating'. I don't know why and he's never been able to give me a real reason, but it is the case.

So what do I do? I think this move would make sense for us, for many practical (and emotional, if I'm honest) reasons. But I know dp will say no. Do I just leave it, say nothing? Or do I ask him to seriously consider it for all the reasons above and hope he sees the benefits for our future? And if he does say no...should I consider going anyway??

dragon has a point about rights over the house. You might need to see a solicitor and get an agreement drawn up.

In fact, if you're going to move in, I think a solicitor is in order really. Your dad needs to make a will clearly detailing how he will leave the house, whether you have a right to remain etc. Might as well think about power of attorney too - would you have that, when would it be triggered etc.

Some kind of formal agreement can be drawn up regarding house repairs etc as well.

Just so then everyone knows everything has been discussed formally. It does help. In my family it was never discussed formally, the elderly parent changed their will late in life leaving everything to the caring child. Caused a big family fallout with the siblings - which it probably wouldn't have done had it not been perceived to be 'underhand'.

Fair enough, I think an agreement regarding what happens re selling/dividing assets/POA etc would be v sensible. I just wasn't quite sure how dp would have rights if we aren't married.

Someone upthread asked about his friends and family - his family live on the other side of the country and they are not really close. We visit them maybe once a year, they never come to see us etc. He definitely doesn't have the same kind of relationship with his parents/sibs as I do with mine, which is fine of course but I suppose it affects how you think about these things.

I think part of it for me is that 'inter generational living' is just something that my family does - we have had my maternal grandmother and an aunt living with us, my dads family have his mum with them etc. It's not unusual for me but it would be for dp, I do see that.

Sorry, am just thinking out loud a bit now!

Forgive me if I am totally off the mark but although you say you love your DP, you have also said things have been rocky and you are clearly considering doing this without him; do you think part of you thinks this is an easy-ish way to get out of your relationship? You love your dad, you would have much more space, money and security so if you were to move it would effectively give you a new start. I'm not saying it's a bad thing for you to leave your DP, but that realistically it doesn't sound like him moving with you is a good idea. So it seems to me like your choices are to stay with DP or have an easier life living with your dad, but single.

What I mean is that some people feel trapped in relationships because they would have to find somewhere to live, can't afford to leave or would be lonely. Living with your dad would take away all those worries (although it's obviously a very different relationship!) so you have a viable way to leave a relationship that you don't seem too sure about. And I wonder if that's more the real dilemma than whether DP would move with you?

It's kind of like squatters rights. Although I remember mentioning squatters rights in a similar situation on MN and getting corrected so can't remember what it's called

It's something to do with being allowed to live somewhere, in the absence of a set agreement, creates an expectation of the right to remain. It's the same reason why a mortgage company makes anyone living in your house not on the mortgage sign an agreement saying in the event of repossession they will vacant the property.

Sorry I can't be more clear

No, you're not off the mark at all kansas. There are issues in our relationship, but so far they have not been significant enough for us to actually end things. We did go through a very rough patch earlier this year where we were arguing a lot (around money, and friendships), and we did consider splitting. But both of us wanted to move on, work on things, and we have done so in lots of ways.

I suppose this offer has just thrown things into a different perspective. What I want is for all of us to move in with dad and for it to work, and for my relationship with dp to continue. But given that, realistically, I can't see dp agreeing to the move (and in many ways I understand that), I suppose I am starting to face a choice.

If I can't have what I want, I have to think about what I need. Is that a 'partnered-up' life with dp, who I do love and want things to work out with, but with all the issues that we have not yet worked through, or a very straightforward life with me, ds and dad, but no dp? What is best for me (and ds)?

Ah ok batteries that makes sense, thanks. In fairness to dp I don't think such a thing would cross his mind but I agree that any arrangement needs to be very clear, for all of us.

Your P is telling you exactly who he is, you need to listen very carefully.

If you split, he spunks all his cash and some tosser down the pub says 'you don't have to move out you know...'

Well. That's all it takes.

OP what was the problem earlier this year that concerned 'friendships'

I'd move out without him, he sounds like a right arsehole!

Sorry about your mum

Someone said they would mind living with their FIL, but I'm not sure if a woman living with FIL is the same thing as a man doing so. Maybe women thinking about this should ask themselve how they would feel about living with their MIL?

(Though I'm not sure if men are uncomfortable with FILs in the way women often are with MILs, so not sure if I have a point here.)

Just from reading your thread and your responses it really does feel like your gut is telling you to do it with or without him, you just feel guilty about it?

Personally I wouldn't have time for someone who couldn't like my lovely dad. I would go and live with my dad and start afresh, save some money etc.

I'm sorry for the loss of your Mum Saffy.

What is more important to you, a future with this man who can't get along with the people you love most and spends money like water, or a secure future for you and your ds as well as being on hand for your Dad?
It's a no brainier for me, I'd be moving in with Dad like a shot if the house is big enough for you all to have your own space.
You definitely need to be careful with the formalities and paperwork, to protect all of you.

Lol, it's not quite like that, there's no 'bloke down the pub' etc but yes, watertight agreements are sensible.

ohdearme, it was about my friendships. Long story short, he told me that he didn't like a couple of my closest friends - 'not his sort of people'. He denies this now but it was the case. I just got really fed up, feeling frustrated etc, these are people I care about, why can't he see the best in them etc etc. Means that social stuff is awkward because I am very aware he doesn't want to spend time with them. It's not the first time it's happened and as a fairly sociable person with good friends I love and want to spend time with, it's a sticking point with us. I don't expect him to love my friends or family like I do but more effort could be made iyswim.

If you do move in with FIL leaving this DP behind, you might be in a position where you are too comfortable to move out for any future DP, but no future DP wants to move in. You might be choosing to never live with a DP for as long as your father is alive. (Which might be fine, just pointing it out.)

Yes good point theoretician - I'm much older than I may appear from my posts though (can't believe I just used lol in a post, apologies ) and have long since made my peace with the fact that if dp and I were to split there would be no further cohabiting relationships for me, whether or not I was living with my dad!

Daffy I had a feeling it would be about some objection he had to your friends. Can you see the pattern here? He doesn't like your dad. He doesn't like your friends. The truth is he doesn't want you to like anyone very much. I'm sorry but your partner is abusive and won't be happy till he had you exactly where he wants you - isolated and dependent on him.

I had a feeling it would be that your friends are not acceptable to him too.

I agree with ohdear that this isnt about living with your dad at all, its about him not wanting you to have any relationships apart from with him. I would also hazard a guess that as your kids get older he will resent them more and more, if he doesnt already.

Live with your dad, leave DP behind.

I would definitely take the opportunity your Dad is giving you. The person you need to consider first and foremost is your DS, if it will benefit him then go for it. If your partner can't see that it would be a good move for your family unit then unfortunately I would have to consider whether he was putting his needs above the family as a whole.

OP can you please explain how you can get past your dp " barely tolerating " your dad?
I just couldn't get past that.

He denies this now but it was the case
Gaslighting as well!
He sounds a right gem!
Go for it with your dad.
There are too many positives to ignore.
And way way way to many negatives regards your DP as well!

Would your partner be any happier with this if there were separate kitchen arrangements so that realistically he would hardly see your father unless they met in the hall or garden? On a personal level I wouldn't have wanted this sort of arrangement with my in-laws unless I could be sure that our part of the house was completely private and as separate as possible.

But I agree there is a bigger issue with your partner not liking your relations and friends - if you stay with him there is a distinct risk that he will keep pushing them away and you could get left isolated.

op please do not think because you are not married to DP he has no rights over a house you both live in, sadly l am not a solicitor so cannot accurately advise you, BUT, l am pretty sure he gains rights over time, this could possibly cause problems for your dad.

Please check it out. Also l agree you need written agreements on a list of responsibilities and costs from who pays what bills to repairs and maintenance

Also is there an opportunity to create a self contained flat for either your family or your dad, within the house? If the layout lends itself then it does not have to cost a fortune to create a small kitchen and seperate entrance.

Even if you come from a family who sometimes live together informally, should you and Dp split after a few years you need to have protected your dad and yourself. My closest male friend has a lovely but financially irresponsible DP who has almost bankrupted him and forced him to sell the house which was his retirement fund. They are still together but very, very unhappy, it has been hearbreaking to watch over many years.

Good luck with what you decide.

I would move in with your dad.Save the rent you pay and if anything should happen to your dad[heaving forbid]you would have a nice chunk of money to start somewhere else.

Your dp sounds awful.