...to want to take my dad up on this offer?

[saffynool]

This may be a bit long so apologies in advance but trying to avoid drip-feeding!

Dp and I have been together for 5 years. We live together in rented accommodation with my ds from a previous relationship. This has been a tough year for a variety of reasons and things have been a bit wobbly at times, with both of us broaching the subject of splitting. However, each time, we have got back on a good footing. I would like this to be a permanent relationship, but equally I am not scared of being alone.

One of the main issues for us has been money. We both work fulltime in professional roles, although at the moment I earn a fair bit more than dp. I pay for the majority of rent/bills due to higher income and the fact that dp is paying off debts from previous mismanagement of finances. He is sorting this but it takes time, and his attitude to money is still a bit 'bung it on the credit card', which is difficult for me as I am the opposite.

Anyway, the issue is this. Recently, my lovely mum died, leaving my dad in a large and mostly unused house. He is adamant that he does not want to sell, but he has offered for me, dp and ds to come and live there, if we would like to.

The house is big enough for me dp and ds to have our own bedrooms, bathroom, study, sitting room and dining room etc. Far more space than we could ever hope to afford on our own. My dad is very laid back and would never interfere with us. He would have his own living and working space; we would share a kitchen and garden/outside space etc. Dp and I would take over most of the household finances, helping out my dad and leaving us better off too. I would be able to keep a close eye on dad as well, which would help my state of mind as I have become very anxious about him since mum died.

For me, this is a no-brainer. No more wasting money on paying off someone else's mortgage with nothing to show for it and no financial security. Able to be close to my dad and support him. Lower outgoings so that there is less pressure on us and dp can pay off his debts faster. If it was just me and ds, I would go for it.

However, I know dp will reject the idea. And whilst I do, absolutely, understand that few people relish the idea of living with the in-laws, to my mind the positives vastly outweigh the negatives here. But his attitude to my dad (who really likes and respects him) has always been one of 'barely tolerating'. I don't know why and he's never been able to give me a real reason, but it is the case.

So what do I do? I think this move would make sense for us, for many practical (and emotional, if I'm honest) reasons. But I know dp will say no. Do I just leave it, say nothing? Or do I ask him to seriously consider it for all the reasons above and hope he sees the benefits for our future? And if he does say no...should I consider going anyway??

[msrisotto]

Money really does make or break relationships because it's an issue which will NEVER go away. So if you two differ, then it's always going to cause arguments. I couldn't live with someone who racked up debts because they had a lack of will power and instead caved to childish instant gratification. You've said you've almost broke up a few times before....are you just delaying the inevitable? From the limited information you've given us, it doesn't sound like it's going to last anyway and it's just a matter of time....

In short - the positives outweigh the negatives. Go for it.

[saffynool]

Either that or he wants you to himself and dislikes the close relationship you have with your Father!

At the risk of sounding like I have an Electra complex, this is quite close to the truth I think. Dp isnt that keen on many of my friends tbh, tolerates them for my sake...

[DamePastel]

Blimey.

I'd go for it too. Give your P the benefit of the doubt by broaching it with him. Give him the opportunity to react well. If he doesn't, then move in with your Dad.

[saffynool]

Yes I am worried about being caught in the middle. I have a lovely idea in my head of how it could be but I'm not sure that's terribly realistic.

Good points about the kitchen. There would be scope for some sort of extension of the house if it came to it but I don't think it's something dad would want atm.

[DamePastel]

'If someone barely tolerated my dad (when I knew my dad was blameless) then I wouldn't be interested in him'

I missed this bit! Yes, that would worry me too. Why can he not just see the best in the people who are important to you

[FetchezLaVache]

Your DP is sounding worse and worse - tbh I would leave him with or without your father's very generous offer.

[liquidrevolution]

Just to look at things from a different perpesctive...

My DH thinks his family are wonderful, lovely people but I cant stand them. Nothing major, just niggly things and the fact they have a set way of doing things whereas I am more fluid in thinking.

I wouldnt live with my FIL or MIL under the circumstances you describe if you paid me hard cash and promised me a night of lust every weekend with that bloke of the tv I fancy.

It is a good opportunity for you and you do seem very stuck in a rut but it may be you need to not include DP in your plans.

[FantasticButtocks]

DP doesn't sound very nice at all. Do you actually like him? Must be very difficult for you to tolerate him 'barely tolerating' people you like and love, and him being rude enough to let you know this.

Only you will know what to do.

Your dad sounds lovely by the way

[saffynool]

Why can he not just see the best in the people who are important to you

I asked him exactly that after a row about dad. A few days later my mum died. It has been tough.

I didn't want this to turn into a slag off dp thread but I know there are issues. I suppose what I'm thinking is that no one would choose to live with their in laws if they didn't have to, would they? So in that sense I can't blame him. But moving in and it all going to shit would be even worse, wouldn't it?

[SuperFlyHigh]

I'd do it but as Liinoo says look into having a separate cooking facility. if space how about a separate living room - if you have a communal one great but a separate one for both of you means you can both entertain in peace and quiet and privacy.

[lalalalyra]

I suppose what I'm thinking is that no one would choose to live with their in laws if they didn't have to, would they

I think you need to turn that question around - who wouldn't live with their in-laws (even just for 5 years or something if forever is too much) if it meant they could have more space than they already have, pay off their debts and save money which will give them/their child a better life in the long run?

[happypoobum]

Yeah, I would ditch him and move in with my dad.

[saffynool]

To be fair he has been kinder and making more effort with dad since mum died. I think he was horrified when we had this big row about his attitude to my friends and family and then a few days later, my mum dies.

But it's probably not enough to live with dad 24/7.

Aargh. I don't want to split up. But this is such a good opportunity for us.

[saffynool]

Yes we would have separate sitting rooms, etc. It definitely wouldn't work otherwise (although ironically dp and dad love the same crappy tv )

[irregularegular]

Sorry I have to disagree. If my DH took it on himself to unilaterally move our family in with his elderly single mother, who I find it difficult to run along with, I would have an absolute fit and I suspect most people would. It would probably be the end of our marriage. You can try to persuade him, but if you'd be willing to do it without his agreement then it doesn't say much for your partnership.

[Sosidges]

The problem for your DP, as I see it, is this. In the new home he will be the outsider. You, your son and your Dad are living together in your old family home. Would you want to be in that position if it was the other way around?

My son lived with his in-laws for 4 years, so that they could save for a deposit. They are lovely, they think the world of him and he of them. They never made him feel that the home was not his, but he found it so hard to just be a normal family. He moved in to the home before he and his wife lived together. Your partner already has the experience of his own family home. I think It is a lot to ask him to give up.

[ohdearme1958]

The fact you've even mentioned going without your partner indicates there are problems in your relationship and you're ready to give thought to a life without him in it.

Would I move in with my dad? Yes. In a heartbeat. And not just because I live in a society where extended family living is very common.

You sound ready for a change.

[saffynool]

Well it's not my family home per se but yes, I do take the point you're making sosidges, it's 'my family'.

irregular' I think that's kind of why I've started the thread!

[RhiWrites]

My in laws could be Mother Theresa and Taylor Swift wrapped up in one confusing package and I still wouldn't want to live with them. Or my lovely parents either. There could be good reasons to say no.

But on the other hand if you're splitting anyway this could be the ideal solution. You'd get family support and help your dad at the same time.

[Cel982]

I think it's certainly reasonable to broach it with your partner. But I have to say, while I get on very well with both my in-laws, I couldn't live with either of them for more than a few days. I really value my own/family space, and I would find it extremely difficult to share that space with another adult who I don't have a close familial relationship with. Actually, scratch that, I'd find it almost as hard to live with my own parents, and I love them both dearly.

[ohdearme1958]

I suppose what I'm thinking is that no one would choose to live with their in laws if they didn't have to, would they

People the world over live with their extended family because they want to and for no other reason whatsoever. In fact Ive been really surprised at the amount of people here at MN who have parents or in-laws living with them through choice.

[Bogeyface]

A man who has no time for your family or friends is bad news. At best he is anti social misery who expects you to be the same, at worst he wants to isolate you from them to keep you entirely to himself and under his control.

Either way, its not good.

[Thisjustinno]

I wouldn't want to live with either of my parents and definitely not in-laws.

If you want to do it then you may do it without your DP and that's fine. It wouldn't make him a dick for not wanting to though.