...to want to take my dad up on this offer?

[saffynool]

This may be a bit long so apologies in advance but trying to avoid drip-feeding!

Dp and I have been together for 5 years. We live together in rented accommodation with my ds from a previous relationship. This has been a tough year for a variety of reasons and things have been a bit wobbly at times, with both of us broaching the subject of splitting. However, each time, we have got back on a good footing. I would like this to be a permanent relationship, but equally I am not scared of being alone.

One of the main issues for us has been money. We both work fulltime in professional roles, although at the moment I earn a fair bit more than dp. I pay for the majority of rent/bills due to higher income and the fact that dp is paying off debts from previous mismanagement of finances. He is sorting this but it takes time, and his attitude to money is still a bit 'bung it on the credit card', which is difficult for me as I am the opposite.

Anyway, the issue is this. Recently, my lovely mum died, leaving my dad in a large and mostly unused house. He is adamant that he does not want to sell, but he has offered for me, dp and ds to come and live there, if we would like to.

The house is big enough for me dp and ds to have our own bedrooms, bathroom, study, sitting room and dining room etc. Far more space than we could ever hope to afford on our own. My dad is very laid back and would never interfere with us. He would have his own living and working space; we would share a kitchen and garden/outside space etc. Dp and I would take over most of the household finances, helping out my dad and leaving us better off too. I would be able to keep a close eye on dad as well, which would help my state of mind as I have become very anxious about him since mum died.

For me, this is a no-brainer. No more wasting money on paying off someone else's mortgage with nothing to show for it and no financial security. Able to be close to my dad and support him. Lower outgoings so that there is less pressure on us and dp can pay off his debts faster. If it was just me and ds, I would go for it.

However, I know dp will reject the idea. And whilst I do, absolutely, understand that few people relish the idea of living with the in-laws, to my mind the positives vastly outweigh the negatives here. But his attitude to my dad (who really likes and respects him) has always been one of 'barely tolerating'. I don't know why and he's never been able to give me a real reason, but it is the case.

So what do I do? I think this move would make sense for us, for many practical (and emotional, if I'm honest) reasons. But I know dp will say no. Do I just leave it, say nothing? Or do I ask him to seriously consider it for all the reasons above and hope he sees the benefits for our future? And if he does say no...should I consider going anyway??

[AnnieAutumnMouse]

Go, and leave him behind.

[tiredandhungryalways]

Definitely go and ideally without him. He sounds quite immature and this is an excellent opportunity to get rid of the dead weight.

[5moreminutes]

I agree with a few more recent posters that it is by no means clear cut.

DH and his mum wanted to move us all in together when DC3 was on the way - PIL even looked at houses and kept emailing us details. Neither FIL nor I would have gone through with it but we also both knew MIL would in fact never bring herself to leave her house for a small part of a bigger house shared with us... So we didn't need to cause a fight

I like my PIL but I couldn't live with them. Nor with my own parents. I would rather pay high rent on a small property than live free in someone else's house.

Living with other adults is not easy, and people you like when you can visit for a few hours then return to your own space can be unbearable if you try to live together long term.

You may also destroy your relationship with your brother if your dad dies and your brother wants to release the equity from his 50% of the house but your son is settled in school and you don't want to move but can't afford to buy another property in the area nor to buy your brother out at market value...

[FurryLittleTwerp]

How much room is there at your Dad's? Are you planning more babies? I think it a lovely idea in principle.

Another idea would be for your Dad to sell & buy somewhere with a "grandpa annex" for himself, with you, DP & DS in the house - a bit more separate.

Obviously your brother needs including in any plans - when Dad dies you would need to sell & split proceeds, or buy your brother out.

I must admit though that your DP does not sound ideal for you overall

[NotWeavingButDarning]

I'd do it.

Sounds like maybe you could do with the space from your DP as well.

You'd be well served by doing what makes emotional and financial sense for you here, you may be kicking yourself for missed opportunities later on otherwise.

Make sure your brother really is ok with it and keep him on board with any decisions, though.

[saffynool]

I do honestly understand the argument around living with the in-laws even if you actually like them. I really do. I suppose I'm just thinking of it from the wider perspective and hoping that dp might do so too. I would like to think I would do it for him if the boot was on the other foot (easy to say though!)

Ds only has 4 more years in school so hopefully that wouldn't be too much of an issue, but it is something to to bear in mind certainly.

[saffynool]

Definitely no more babies!

[AcrossthePond55]

At the risk of sounding like I have an Electra complex, this is quite close to the truth I think. Dp isnt that keen on many of my friends tbh, tolerates them for my sake..

Hmm, doesn't like your dad and isn't keen on your friends. And what is his relationship like with his parents and friends? Does he expect you to go to his parents and hang with his friends exclusively or the majority of the time? Does he feel that his family/friends are 'nicer' or 'better' than yours?

My own dad was lovely, too. A real gent and very easy to get along with. Unless there was a reason I could somewhat understand (like a political or philosophical difference or if your dad had criticized him in the past), that a partner couldn't get along with my dad I probably wouldn't be with that person. I'm rather leery of someone who says "I don't know why, I just don't like him/her" about people I care about.

[NapQueen]

I'd be tempted to wager that if yours and dp's relationship was 100% on track you'd not be giving this arrangement a second thought and would remain where you are currently.

The cracks in the relationship are making this offer seem perfect. I'm not saying it isn't great (and I do think you should go forit), but I think it looks better because get current alternative is a bit crap.

Your DP doesn't sound like someone I'd want to make a life with.

[ChuckGravestones]

I think separate the two things.

The attitude to your friends and family is a red flag. This should make you wary in the first instance.

Your dad has given you an option for your living space. Perhaps you should take it.

[mygorgeousmilo]

Even aside from this situation, your partner doesn't sound like a keeper. To move into a huge mortgage-free house with your son and to be closer to your dad = no brainier!

[SuperFlyHigh]

I've just had a thought, there's you and your brother set to inherit when your dad dies but would you or could you finance a buy to let property now with the proviso of if you moving in with your dad didn't work out you could change mortgage and move there instead?

I don't think you should move somewhere with a granny flat as someone else suggested as your dad clearly doesn't want to move, but I would broach ideas of extension or loft conversion sooner rather than later as works will be harder for your dad to cope with as he ages. Explain why you would like these works.

Suggest to DP all options that he'd have a say etc as perhaps he feels pushed out as "his home wouldn't be his own" but with a say in where he's moving etc he could come round.

[Notonthestairs]

Unless your DP 100% buys in to this idea - and maybe even if he does - there would be conflict and you will be the mediator.
All the practical issues lala flagged up are very important too.
I like my inlaws very much - but I wouldn't live with them.

[Oysterbabe]

I like my husbands dad. I would never in a million years move in with him.

[orangebird69]

I love my fil. I'd live with him any day.

[Batteriesallgone]

I would live with in laws if we could have a large bedroom that wasn't next door to theirs, own bathroom and own sitting room.

Sounds like you have that so I'd go for it.

But it's not about what I would do. If your DP doesn't want to that is perfectly reasonable too. Then you'll be left to choose. I'd choose financial security every time.

[ferriswheel]

Move in with your son. Get rid of your 'd' p

Sorry.

[BackforGood]

I was going to say the same as ChuckGravestoneses.

there are 2 separate issues to consider here.
If you were in a really loving, equal relationship, where all was hunkydory and your dp and Dad thought each other were great, it would still be quite a challenge to expect him to move in with your Dad (into your Dad's home, so not on an equal footing as it would be if you were buying somewhere new together), unless it were for a set time to enable you to save a deposit.
Seperate from that, are all the issues you've told us about your relationship - that you've already broken up, that he doesn't like your Dad (OK, give him the benefit of the doubt, we only have your word your Dad is lovely) but then he doesn't like any of your friends. Add on to that the fact he has a lot of debt and yet still wants to 'bung things on the credit card' - which is in total contrast to your way of living / thinking about money.
purely going on what you've posted here, I'd probably put the proposition to your dp, but seriously consider moving in with your Dad without him.
As others said, you would have to have some sensible discussions with your Dad and your brother about the ownership of the home, the responsibility for bigger bills, and what happens when your Dad either passes away or needs round the clock care, if you are thinking of being there for more than a year or two.

[OliviaStabler]

I'd move in without him. If someone barely tolerated my dad (when I knew my dad was blameless) then I wouldn't be interested in him.

This

[Somersetlady]

I am going to go against the grain here.
I can completely understand why your DP would not want to live with someone else regardless of who they are. Hes part of a couple. Thats two people not three regardless of how lovely person number 3 is!!!

[Dragongirl10]

Op, l don't want to be unfair to your DP but if he moves in and things end badly he may have rights over the house.
Whatever you decide please go and see a solicitor now and find out your and his rights in all possible circumstances.
Your Ds's future could depend on what you do now so check it out thoroughly legally first, then look at the emotional side.

Seperately though.....
It is very hard to sustain a happy relationship with someone who has different attitudes to money from you

[Dragongirl10]

sorry posted too soon... l am very sorry for the sad loss of your mum.

[WankingMonkey]

Go for it tbh. He will be able to pay off his debts faster. And if it doesn't work out it will be relatively easy to find another property as you will be able to save a lot too. You may even be able to save for a deposit and buy instead of renting. I would be concerned that my partner was still accumulating debts while trying to pay off old ones to be quite honest.

I don't think I could be with someone who didn't like my dad for no reason. My husband does not like my mother but there are a bunch of reasons for it..and honestly sometimes I don't like her either.

[NoncommittalToSparkleMotion]

My condolences about your mum.

Given all the information, I'd move in with your dad without your partner. It sounds like a sound choice all round.

[saffynool]

dragongirl - can you say anymore about him having rights over the house? I can't see how this would be possible if we didn't own the house (which isn't my intention)?

superflyhigh - a BTL would be great but we couldn't afford a mortgage on one right now, unless it was on the other side of the country which wouldn't really work.

I am getting myself stressed about this, which is silly. I woke up this morning and thought, I need to talk to mum. Of course, I can't.

I do love dp. I've painted a bad picture of him here which is probably somewhat unfair - he has many many good points and I am sure he loves me and he has always been great with Ds. I do feel torn though.