Sleepover but parents out

[twocockersarebetterthanone]

This has been bugging me for a couple of weeks now.

My 13 year old daughter went to the cinema with a friend and then went back to hers for a sleepover (first time at this friends house).

The next morning I discovered that this girls parents had gone to a party and had left the girls from 8.30 to gone 12 on their own.

Nothing went wrong but AIBU in being so annoyed about this. DD hasn't wanted me to say anything about this as she doesn't want a lose this friend (new blossoming friendship).

The parents didn't mention they were going to be out. If they had I could have made an informed choice about whether to let her go or not.

I would not dream of quizzing the other parents. Teenagers make their own arrangements these days and we have never had any contact with the parents of my son's friends. And, as others have said, if you were happy for her to go OUT to the cinema with her friend, why is it such a big deal that she was IN with her friend? Her friend's parents obviously knew that their child was sensible and they were back at midnight, not out all night. They all have phones now so could have easily got advice from either set of parents if there was a problem. Please don't embarrass her by making an issue of this. If you think that she lacks social and common-sense skills then it is up to you to teach her.

Think the age of child is slightly irrelevant, if you as a parent are inviting a child to sleep over then it's courteous to say to their parent you won't be there. However, this gets tricky when invite is extended via the children. Personally I'd want to keep the invites via the parents so the scene is set for them age 16 saying I'm sleeping over at x's house and you innocently believing them!
I don't think OP was saying she wouldn't have allowed it, just she should have been aware of it. I agree!

It's the "new blossoming friendship" bit that would be the decider for me tbh, I'd be fine with leaving my 13 yo with one of their friends that I knew and trusted but not with one that has no proven track record of not behaving like a twat when unaccompanied.

Similarly, if I were the party - parents, I'd have thought twice about having a "new" 13 year old unaccompanied in my house with my own child (although I'm sure the OP's DD is lovely).

Agreed, it's ideally something I'd want to know in advance, but also not something I'd be thinking about much after the event if I hadn't been told iyswim.

They should have told you.

13 is too young to be left at night without an adult until midnight.

I have a 13 yr old who is very sensible and confident and whilst I would
Happily leave her alone in the house during the day, I'd be more reluctant to do so at night -
Particularly late in the night! YANBU. Parents should have asked your opinion ( permission) in the first place and allowed you to
Decide what was best in relation to your daughter!

This is an interesting one for me as have a 13 year old soon to be 14 and would not have been happy if I had left her at a sleepover and parents weren't there .

I unfortunately have worked in A& E in the past and on several occasions have needed to contact parents of teenagers who have been blue lighted to us collapsed in an ambulance . I have often had to inform parents of children who were thought to be safe at sleepovers or under the supervision of other parents when in fact that ends up not being the case. It has made me a little wary and last year my daughter went to sleepover at her friends when the parents were in an got drawn on with lipstick while asleep and pictures were taken of her and put on the Internet . We were all a bit upset and now proceed with caution in relation to sleepovers !

Maybe your DD's friend did tell her that her parents would be out, but your DD decided not to share that information with you?

You are not sure what the issue is ???? It's a huge issue to.leave 2 young girls alone at night without as much as s mention of it. It's highly irresponsible and potentially very dangerous. They are hardly smart or streetwise to a suitable extent. THIS happened to me age 13 in.my friends house. We drank the contents of their drinks cabinet . I know what 13 year old kids can be like so I wd be furious. The OP prob wd have said no to the sleepover which would have been the right thing. And you are still unsure about the issue ? Drink, drugs , sex???? Seriously! !!

I was annoyed when my DD's friend's parents left the two of them home alone at 16, and I didn't know. I don't think that is being over-protective, just sensible.

YANBU. I would be furious. In fact after my parents found out the same thing had happened to me at a sleepover I wasn't allowed to stay at that friend's house again, and I was relieved. I didn't like it either.

Prawnofthepatriarchy re "In fact after my parents found out the same thing had happened to me at a sleepover I wasn't allowed to stay at that friend's house again, and I was relieved. I didn't like it either."

This is a very important point, it may well be that our children do not like this much freedom and actually want us to 'reign them in' because it is easier to say 'my parents won't let me do that' than 'I feel scared to do that'.

It is very good to see so many parents expressing the outrage I felt when I first read this.

I would leave my DS for a few hours during the day or early evening but not once it got dark and certainly not until midnight and I would be even less inclined if he had a friend here as he would be far more likely to do something daft or even dangerous. Boys show off sometimes ( well mine do) and prone to get over excited etc. Boys or girls unused to being alone at such a late hour may see it as a real novelty and feel compelled to make the most of it. There again, of course, they could and prob would be absolutely fine! We just have to weigh the risks and balance that with their need for increased independence. I like to weigh it up for myself rather than another parent making that decision for me so YANBU

Whatever you decide FGS do not say anything to the parents.Your DD will be socially crucified at school !

I was annoyed when my DD's friend's parents left the two of them home alone at 16,
Please tell me it was overnight, otherwise you are UTTERLY U

a7mints - I was utterly baffled by that too. Gawd when I think of the independence I had at that age.
My parents went on holiday for a week to Cornwall when I was 16 and my sister was 14 and in the days before mobile phones. My parents were responsible people - both teachers, one a deputy head.
Sure we had friends over, had a few harmless parties, various people stayed over and we all spent the day before their return cleaning the house up and making home made scones and cakes for their return. On the morning they were due back two friends were mucking about in the hall and accidentally smashed the lower frosted pain of glass in the front door (this was the 70s). We did a collection from all our friends who were there, went to a local glass manufacturers and bought a replacement pane and some putty and my boyfriend - whose dad was an architect and was constant redesigning and rebuilding their house, replaced the pane himself (he was 16).
So many life skills learnt that week and their drinks cabinet was completely intact when they arrived home.
I sometimes think all the drinking and smoking that we are so fearful that our children will do is more likely to happen when they are constantly surveilled and not given any freedom.
I also accept I could be wrong.

Depends on maturity of 13 year old whether they can be left on their own. Parents should have given info about going out though. With the recent press about a government minister leaving his 11 year old there has been a lot of discussion about age and responsibility. For me there is an awful lot of not allowing our children to accept and take responsibility for themselves. At 13 most should surely be able to almost fend for theirself for an evening without getting up to highjinks. If they aren't allowed this how are they going to learn responsibility. I do wish they were not considered to be children up to the age of 18 and then maybe parents would treat them a bit more like adults. Like a previous comment, they can get married, have legal sex, join the armed forces, vote in elections in some countries but goodness parents still cannot accept they should be treated and given more responsibility.

Yes, you tell the KIDS you're going out, they manage their relationship with their parents, parents should not be micromanaging their 13 year old relationships!

This about knowing whether your child will be suitably supervised. Clearly, in this case, not- as the OP had no idea her dd would come home to an empty house at 11 pm.