Sleepover but parents out

[twocockersarebetterthanone]

This has been bugging me for a couple of weeks now.

My 13 year old daughter went to the cinema with a friend and then went back to hers for a sleepover (first time at this friends house).

The next morning I discovered that this girls parents had gone to a party and had left the girls from 8.30 to gone 12 on their own.

Nothing went wrong but AIBU in being so annoyed about this. DD hasn't wanted me to say anything about this as she doesn't want a lose this friend (new blossoming friendship).

The parents didn't mention they were going to be out. If they had I could have made an informed choice about whether to let her go or not.

I think the parents of the other child probably thought you would be okay with them staying in the house alone for a few hours as they knew you were okay with them going to the cinema together.

We used a 13 yr old babysitter when our DC were from about 6 and 8 yo upwards.

By all means speak to the parents if your DD gets invited over again if you're that concerned but in another year's time you'll wonder why you made such a fuss.

I really wouldn't jeopardise your DD's friendship with this girl by approaching them over this particular incident though - what is there to be gained? They will feel critisised, you'll upset your DD and potentially damage the friendship and you won't achieve anything very helpful. Chalk it up to experience.

I'd be a bit annoyed because clearly your DD was used for a bit of company for their DD while they went out. They obviously didn't want to leave their DD home alone so asked yours to stay. So if they thought it was too vulnerable to leave theirs alone, then they clearly should have had the courtesy to explain the situation fully to you. Very unreasonable to use your daughter for this reason without you being fully aware. As to 2x 13yo on their own; yes probably fine, so long as everyone is aware.

YABU but I understand your worries.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

The thing that got me was the fact the parents just didn't mention it and give me the option of not allowing her to go.

Wibble Allowing her to go to the cinema (with my permission) is very different to not being given the chance to give permission or not.** That's like saying you'd be happy for your child's school to take them out somewhere for the day without your permission. Yes you'd no doubt agree they could go but surely you'd want to know where they were going etc?? It all boils down to common curtesy!!

At 13, the exact details of what's happening is down to the teenagers talking to their parents, the courtesy is simply "yep, I really do exist, I am the parent, we know there's a sleepover, they're not hitching to a rave in the shetland isles"

The cinema is not a different thing - it is at 5 years old, but not at 13.

It wouldn't have crossed my mind that it would be a problem. Not at 13.

13 is an age when families do and expect very different things from each other, some are very independent, others not so. I do think she should have mentioned it - I wouldn't have a problem with two 13 year olds being left alone but at least mention it to the other parent.

At the same age my DD was at a sleepover locally, and I got a phone call from her at 11pm, to say she was in the high st, they'd gone for a walk to get chips and missed the last bus, could I pick them up and drop them at friend's house! I wasn't pleased about that at all, but friend's mum was fine, and she's absolutely lovely! Just different ideas about what kids can do.

the courtesy is simply "yep, I really do exist, I am the parent, we know there's a sleepover, they're not hitching to a rave in the shetland isles"

No that doesn't happen when they get to teenage,.The arrangements are made teen to teen unless .you might say hello at drop off or pick up but that's it

a7minutes That sounds fine to me, but the OP said she had been in touch with the parents, and expected them to mention they were going out as a courtesy - I was just saying that the courtesy is just that they exist if you're talking me.

I think it depends entirely on where the parents were and how contactable they were. For example; a 30 minute drive away at the theatre with phones turned off is very different to having a leisurely meal and catch up with friends 4 houses down the road. Lots of grey in the middle obviously, but I can see why they might not have bothered to mention it if it were the latter of those two examples.

Yanbu. Same thing happened to me as a kid at a sleepover. We were only 8 years old! Looking back that was really bad of my friends parents to go out partying and. It even tell the parents.

Definitely think they should have told you they were going out for that long. I think I would be happy to leave my daughter alone in the evening at that age, but sometimes two teenagers together could be more trouble than one on her own watching telly so I'm not sure I would leave a pair of 13 year olds alone for that many hours. Maybe an hour or so.

These threads always descend into a "I was left at home for a week when I was 7 and it never did me any harm" type competition.

I think you should have been informed so you could decide if you were happy with it. I agree with a PP who said that 13 is a sort of transition age where they strt doing new things - but it should be your choice

I think it is okay to leave them for an evening at 13 (they had each other) but I agree they should have let you know they would be alone. We have been leaving ours for the evening since around 13/14 with a friend(s) but always let the parents of the other kids know we are out - then both they and us can be contacted if there is a problem. I would be unhappy to find out later.

YANBU. You would expect parental supervision (meaning, in the same house) unless otherwise stated. It's a courtesy to let you know. At 13 they might have decided to do any number of daft things, which ordinarily they wouldn't, but home alone and feeling grown-up etc...

Sometimes 13 yo can be so grown up and other times they are still like little kids. It's a transition age. If I was inviting another child over, their safety would be my responsibliity. How could I have that responsibility if I'm away at a party?

Leave your own 13yo at home if you feel they are ready for it, by all means. Another child in the house? Don't risk it. IMHO.

What are your main concerns? I agree the parents could have let you know but they obviously felt their own DD, and yours, were responsible enough and could be trusted. Does DD have a phone? Could she have called you if there was a problem? Maybe have a chat with her about what she should do if in that situation again. Don't fall out with the parents over it.

BigSandy I would have been furious, 2 13yo's wandering around at 11pm at night and a bus ride away in a town centre??! What was the other mother thinking?!

You ANBU at all. I would feel very uncomfortable about my 13y old going to a sleepover if the parents weren't present, and would be livid about not being informed of their absence. You entrusted those parents with your child's care. IMO they have abused that trust. If they'd informed you when the sleepover arrangements were being made, you could have made the decision yourself. Bang out of order.

Oh gowd, its exactly the same as the thread a few days ago where a hosting parent let her 12 year old daughter and the 14 year old guest go into Manchester City Centre without the 14 year old's mother's knowledge.

The thread turned into a bun fight with lots of people saying the host parent should have checked first, but with lots of people saying the 14 year old's mother was deluded for having an issue with it and the poor 14 year old would have a chip on her shoulder for years due to lack of freedom (I paraphrase!!).

It just demonstrated, as this post does, that as parents of 11/12/13/14 year old children we all have different expectations and views on what needs to checked first, and what doesn't. It comes down to communication. I think at that kind of age, as the parent who is hosting / responsible for the other child, you need to check with the parent about anything that isn't a standard play date / get together. So if you're going to leave them alone / allow them to go into the city centre / watch a 15 movie when they're only 12 - you need to check.

YANBU. I don't think you need to ruin a friendship or anything dramatic like that, I'd just say next time you bump into this parent that you appreciate her having your DD over to stay but you'd just prefer to know next time if they're planning to go out just so you can text your DD - exactly as you've said it.

This really amazes me that so many people are OK with 13 year olds being left alone, and even using 13 year olds to babysit?

I think of myself as a pretty laid-back parent but there's no way on earth I would have left my 13 year old alone in the evening, let alone leaving him to babysit. He's now 15 and we're just starting to feel confident in leaving him in charge of his siblings (only while they're asleep). At 13, he was still very much a child and a) shouldn't have the responsibility for other children, and b) wasn't capable of making informed decisions should the need arise.

Even now, if my son is invited to a party or a sleepover, my first question is 'are the parents there?'.

YANBU for thinking it would've been a courtesy to have been informed beforehand.
YABU for still being annoyed about it a couple of weeks later.
And YABVVVU for thinking 8:30-12:00 is over 5 hours.

Museumofcurry - this isn't about leaving kids in their own it's about the other parent not being informed. The other parent wasn't given a choice about the care of her own child.

If I had planned to go out and had invited another persons child to stay I would ask if that was ok for other parent. I appreciate that all parents are different and also as I might not even know the new child aswell would feel uncomfortable in leaving her in that situation.

My view is and always will be that if another persons child stays in my house I take in responsibility for their safety and well being.
And to me that would mean being present in the house until there was a level of comfort/ trust in all parties that kids can be left. This is not just about age - it's whether you consider the child concerned mature enough to cope alone.
I would like to think that other parents would pay me the same courtesy.

OP it's an awkward one in terms of what to do now. Appreciate you don't want to ruin her friendship. I'm not sure what I would do either. I guess the next time is the only option otherwise you are damned if you do speak to her and damned if you don't.