Sleepover but parents out

[twocockersarebetterthanone]

This has been bugging me for a couple of weeks now.

My 13 year old daughter went to the cinema with a friend and then went back to hers for a sleepover (first time at this friends house).

The next morning I discovered that this girls parents had gone to a party and had left the girls from 8.30 to gone 12 on their own.

Nothing went wrong but AIBU in being so annoyed about this. DD hasn't wanted me to say anything about this as she doesn't want a lose this friend (new blossoming friendship).

The parents didn't mention they were going to be out. If they had I could have made an informed choice about whether to let her go or not.

three and a half hours, two of them, 13 years old?? What are people worried about?

would you have let her go had you known they would be in the house for 3.5 hours alone?
were there any siblings there?

Not on, imo

My 13 year old doesn't get left alone for any significant time, and I would be very cross if someone else decided to override that decision. You should have been informed, and allowed to make your own decision.

At 12 I was babysitting toddlers. Really surprised at all these threads saying 13/14 year olds can't be left without mummy it daddy!

My 13 year old doesn't get left alone for any significant time

well firstly she wasn't alone, there was 2 of them and secondly the age for children being left home alone for a few hours just keeps on going up and up.
I worry for a society where we baby older children/teens so much

The thing is there are 13yos and 13yos. Say only 10% aren't ready to be left for that amount of time at night . Another parent shouldn't make the decision for your child.

My eldest would in no way have been ready or comfortable at that age. Plus I wouldn't either, as her decision making ability should anything unexpected have occurred was woeful.
On the other hand, my youngest who isn't yet 13 probably will be fine.

One of the questions I have always asked DS when he has asked to attend a sleepover is "Will the parents be there?" Depending on the other questions I asked, if I wasn't happy with the answers, he didn't go.

Different parents have wildly different views on what is and isn't acceptable and what their boundaries are so I never assume that my rules apply to everyone else.

You need to ask the right questions. Just because the other parents are more relaxed than you about this particular issue doesn't make them wrong and you right, just different.

But my point was that you might not think you needed to ask at that age. Just like the poster the other day let her 13 year old daughter go into town with a 14 year old friend and got called grossly irresponsibly by friend's mum.

How would you know that kids today are so sheltered it's irresponsible to let them go to the shops or have a sleepover while parents are out?

How would you know that kids today are so sheltered it's irresponsible to let them go to the shops or have a sleepover while parents are out?

Well, a useful rule of thumb could be to realise that all children are different. If it is less than 2 years since you were happy for your child to do X, maybe consider there are some children for whom X still might be out of their experience.

My DD1 at 13 had unrecognised dyspraxia (impacts her processing and problem solving skills). There were a number of things she was not ready for despite a lot of support from us. 10% of children are at the bottom 10% of being ready for stuff. Another parent won't know and shouldn't assume.

You need to ask if you are bothered either way about something.

You learn as you go along. I can guarantee the OP will ask the question next time. Just as I learnt to add to my list of questions, "Will there be alcohol?" after my DS came home from a 13yo's birthday sleepover where the mother served alcopops

The reason I'd think it was acceptable for them to be in the house alone, is because it was acceptable to do the much risker thing of being out of the house alone...

The same as you wouldn't ask if they were allowed to visit in the evening, if they'd already been allowed to stay overnight.

No it's not common sense.

People don't ask about a file they haven't anticipated. You wouldn't ask "is your child allowed to take showers" or "are they allowed to watch X Factor" because it wouldn't occur to you the child wouldn't be allowed.

So if the parents have a rule like "no sleepovers without parents present" or "no going to the shops" for their 14 year old. It's on them to communicate it.

Although in this case the other parents wouldn't stay in, they'd likely say "oh that's a pity" and then suggest their child invites someone else.

• file = rule

Quite common to get a friend round whilst parents go out isn't it? I remember going on sleep overs to keep friends company when parents out and vice versa.

..and is 8.30pm til midnight, worse than 10.30 am til 2pm ? If so ,why?

10% of children are at the bottom 10% of being ready for stuff. Another parent won't know and shouldn't assume.

Yeah but likely the host child would know if a child is significantly 'behind'

What is the difference really between being at home for 4 hours in daytime and 4 hours at night. What can happen at night that won't happen in day. I really don't understand that argument 4 hours is the same length of time whether night or day.

Yeah but likely the host child would know if a child is significantly 'behind'

Not necessarily. Friends at school see each other in quite controlled environments. They really can't judge how the other will be out of that setting. It's not about learning difficulties which might be obvious, but other stuff too.

The hosting parent should make situation clear. The parent of visiting child should ask questions. Problems come when both sides assume the rules will be the same, and between 10-14 they very often aren't.

YABVVVU. As someone else has said up thread, you were fine for your 13 year old to do the much riskier activity of going to the cinema without adult supervision so why would you now be worried about the less risky activity of staying in a house without adult supervision. Can you please explain as Im not understanding the logic in it.

Right On a night, it's dark 13yr olds may get easily spooked, they may egg each other on. They may message their friends that they are home alone and before you know it you could have a load of other dc round, not intending to misbehave, but as I said before young teens, no adults present and a house to themselves can be a potential problem.

Riiiiggghhht, except all those things could just as easily occur during the day. If a 13 year old is spooked by being in a dark house (and doesnt have the sense to put the lights on) then i assume they could just as easily be spooked by being in an empty house. Night/day presents no barrier to other dc coming to your house so your whole point is, well, kinda pointless.