Sleepover but parents out

[twocockersarebetterthanone]

This has been bugging me for a couple of weeks now.

My 13 year old daughter went to the cinema with a friend and then went back to hers for a sleepover (first time at this friends house).

The next morning I discovered that this girls parents had gone to a party and had left the girls from 8.30 to gone 12 on their own.

Nothing went wrong but AIBU in being so annoyed about this. DD hasn't wanted me to say anything about this as she doesn't want a lose this friend (new blossoming friendship).

The parents didn't mention they were going to be out. If they had I could have made an informed choice about whether to let her go or not.

And yes maybe in the 'old days' we were all left alone much younger. But then many things have come to light since 'the old days' haven't they which wouldn't be acceptable now. Some things are good are about the old days in terms of the freedoms we had and some not so good. That's why we have changed! I know my friend and I when left would drink the gin out of the cupboard and refill it with water! Perhaps knowing what I was like left alone has made me more wary!

YANBU it was really irresponsible of the other parents. The chances of them not getting home etc makes me shudder! The parents would be oblivious, and so would you. I am afraid I would not trust my dd round their house or in their company at all as they sound really irresponsible and uncaring.

However, I would not want to jeopardize the friendship so I would be guided by dd, if she did not want me to make a fuss, I wouldn't.

BUT at the moment I would not let my dd stay her her house again, or do anything that involved her parents being 'charge' of my dd.

In the future I might relent and say OK, if I knew for sure the parents were going to be in. But I am going to guess this friendship may not last that long, if her parents are parenting in this way I am guessing she will be quite 'grown-up' and may well wish to do lots of things your dd may not be comfortable with, so the friendship may not go that far (just a hunch).

As far as babysitting goes, it's been mentioned, if a child looks after your children and that child is under 16 I am pretty sure you are still legally responsible for them. I once nearly set a sofa alight with a cigarette when babysitting, and let a woman's drunken friend (the mum's friend) into her house when babysitting her kids. There is no way I now would allow my 16 year old self to babysit my kids!

www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-12380329

It's not that bad.

But you should have been informed beforehand.

And the parents should have called to ask whether you're ok with this.

It's not just the fact they were left alone in the house, they were left to their own devices all evening and to come home from cinema together (by bus? or whatever). And if they failed to turn up at 11.00 at home, no one would know.

I'd be fucking fuming. It's good for your dd to be aware that things could have happened (they met some boys, boys invited them out etc etc) and that you worrying and caring about her is a normal thing to do. I think some parents are just very naive. And it must be nice to feel OK with things and probably 99 out of 100 times it's all fine, but sometimes it's not. And as the parent of the dd you get to decide on what is OK.

The friends parents sound super self-obsessed to me! Please do let us know how it all goes.

I used to go over for sleepovers at friends house from aged 10-15 while parents went to pub for evening. At 13 we would have boys over, including friend's boyfriend who she was sleeping with. We would watch the German channels (usually hilariously bad porn films!).

I am now terrified for my own children. Most kids are probably fine and wouldn't get up to such things, but as a parent I would want to know if they are being left unsupervised for this long. YANBU, by my own misspent youth as an example!

well, this has been a total eye opener for me. I wouldn't leave my 14yr that long on her own, but I'm now reconsidering! Maybe I've been being too over protective. I leave her for an hour or so, but I'd be worried she'd leave the grill on or set fire to something. I think I need some 'letting go' therapy :-/

I would be more annoyed by the fact that they had to make their way home from the cinema alone.

I have learned the hard way that people have very different standards of parenting.

I once left 8yr old DD with a lifelong close friend who I thought I knew like a sister. I returned to find that friend had no idea where DD was as she had gone off with her own DD(also aged 8) several hours ago taking a picnic along the canal, (In Manchester, not talking idyllic rural Wales here either!)

So where was your DD Serin ?

OP, I wouldn't have been happy. For me, the difference between leaving my 13 yo in the house and leaving her at a friend's house is that if I've left her, I'm effectively 'on duty'- I wouldn't then travel so far that I couldn't get back reasonably quickly, nor would I go out drinking. If she's gone to a sleepover, then in my mind the other parents have chosen to be the 'on duty' adults. If I knew in advance that they were going out, I might still be ok with my 13yo going for a sleepover, but I might adjust my own plans accordingly .

Of course you'd want to know, it's your child!! 13 might be a suitable age for most to be on their own for a few hours but that's the parents decision, not theirs to make alone.

YANBU.

They should have checked it was OK with you first - regardless of how old the girls are. I would be furious.

YANBU. It was a lie by omission.
Each of us parent our children largely based on their individual maturity and/or general understanding. I always ask myself if my child and other children in their company would react well to or cope with an emergency. If I have any doubt, I stay home.

Interesting discussion....

In your shoes, I'd have assumed they were getting a lift home from the cinema, and that the parents would be in the house during the evening. It sounds like your DD was invited over to keep their DD company while they went out.

I know someone who went out for the evening leaving two 13 year old DCs at home. The DCs mentioned this on social media, and by the time the parents got home, their house was completely trashed by loads of teenagers - smashed bottles, smashed windows, destroyed ornaments. They had to call the police to break it up. It was horrible, and traumatic, and the two girls had no idea how to deal with it (nor would I!).

I agree with previous poster who advised talking to your DD about what's safe, what's not, what to do if she feels awkward etc.

YANBU common courtesy to tell the you they were going out for the evening.

This is a tough one. DS17 has just made his first solo trip abroad to stay with an old school friend. Coming back into the UK he was quizzed by immigration about what was happening, who was meeting him etc. As it happened there was an accident that was delaying me on the motorway, which I'd told him about. But at 17.5 years old, when do we allow children to take responsibility for themselves and their own arrangements? I recognise 13 is much younger but there has to be a starting point for parents to ease off on the reins, surely.

I understand your anguish but at 13 parents have mixed opinions on what is acceptable. There is no official age that a child can be left so it's open to interpretation, as each child varies in independence. Maybe a good idea for you to check with the patents if you're in any doubt... there is no right or wrong.

I really am the worlds most laid back parent, but I wouldn't ever allow my child to invite another 13 year old round, knowing that I would be out, and not mention it to their parents. And that's in the day time. There's no way I'd do it until midnight.
I might be ok with leaving my own teenagers in charge, but I'm certainly not going to take that decision away from another parent. It's courtesy and common sense.

" there is no right or wrong." I think there is.

If there is no legal safe age to leave children then there is an assumption that parents would be there when inviting a guest to their home, surely? There would be, in my book, anyway.

Radio 4 did a very moving (and terrifying) episode of One to one with Trevor McDonald a while ago where he met a victim of rape spoke about coming to terms with what had happened to her when she was about 13. She had had a sleep over at her friend's home where no parents were involved. The two girls had got drunk, gone out and picked up two men, hat followed was so appalling I won't write about it here.

I am not linking to it, you can find it very easily if interested.

My point is the girl's parent did not know there would be no adult at the home in this situation either. There was no adult at the home all night , so it is different to the case here, but basically it does show quite extreme circumstances that can occur.

I know we cannot live our lives in fear of extreme circumstances but I don't think expecting 13 year olds to be supervised at night is a big ask.If this were my child would be livid and she would not be staying at this girl's house again. It is no reflection on the girl, it is a reflection on the parents. I think some parents are very naive and it is better to be safe than sorry.

At 16 I was mixing with bikers who took drugs, some were into the occult and my parents had no idea. I was smoking and drinking and stayed in a squat once when they thought I was with a friend, I was, in the squat! All I had to eat that night was a cuppa soup, but I was offered drink and drugs. I was 16 and thankfully no harm came to me, but I would shudder to think my child would be in similar circumstances. My friend had all kinds of ideas for a holiday we could go on with her boyfriend, who she was sleeping with at 14, and my parents were none the wiser because they knew her dad!

I was very lucky not to get into any real trouble but I think I did put myself in risky situations because I did not know any different and maybe did not want to look bad' in front of my more street wise friend.

YANBU,

I would be really annoyed if they hadn't told me, but then I don't tend to leave mine alone for more than an hour or two and never at night. There have been a few burglaries and muggings near where we live and I just wouldn't feel comfortable.

I can't think of any of my friends who would leave their children and mine alone without telling me first.

YANBU I would have been fuming! 13 is too to young to be left alone until midnight, and too young to be able to deal with an emergency IMO

Yanbu. I would happily leave my sensible 13 year old alone while we go out, but i would not invite one of her friends then leave them without informing the parents. Its not their call to decide that your child is ready to be left unsupervised.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. As parents we should choose whether to agree to certain conditions. What if your teenager was the sensitive type but got engaged on to watch inappropriate videos and no adults there? After my then 12 year old got invited to a sleepover which she couldn't attend I subsequently discovered it was in the garden. Ten almost teen girls, open to anyone passing. I was furious not to have been told, even though she didn't go. Now whether a party or sleepover I always phone the adult and check if there will be adult supervision, if there will be alcohol (heard other scare stories) and if its a sleepover whether it will be inside and just girls. I like to know what's planned for my 'likes to follow others' daughter.

Are they year 8 or year 9? Just thirteen and nearly 14 are different, that year is a bit of a turning point. My dd is nearly 12, but has friends who are 13 or almost 13, and there is absolutely no way I would leave them alone in the house in the night time. Some children are really sensible at 13 but some are clueless, it is impossible to judge the situation properly when it isn't your own child. I stayed over with my friend at that age when her parents were going to a party, but my parents knew we would be alone, and they knew we were pretty sensible. It was also a rural village with close neighbours. So where you live does make a difference too. YANBU to want to know something like this.

Oh and I think Inertia made a v good point about being "on duty".

YANBU - two 13 year olds together for 4 hours at night without saying anything to you definitely not on IMO. Perhaps OK if you know the parents well / she is used to staying over / they had told you etc.

Yanbu I'd make sure next time you ask if they are going to be there the entire time and then you can make your decision.