To feel jealous of friends/family able to educate their kids privately

[NewDay10]

Just that really. I know IABU to feel this way. I could go back to work and pay school fees and educate my kids privately. We've chosen for me to be a SAHM. I've just been looking at Facebook and can't believe how many of my friends educate their kids at prep level privately. Also I don't know how they afford it?! E.g. One couple both are teachers (state school) but still educate their kids privately. I'm feeling bitter. IABU and need to be happy as it really is a first world problem. We have great state schools here. I also know this debate has been done so many times on MN! So sorry to the veterans!

Wasting emotion on this really is a pointless exercise. You have the means to change it if you want. I don't, I work full-time and couldn't begin to afford school fees even though I'm in a professional job. I don't feel jealous of other people though, my children have had a lovely time at state primary and are now moving on to state secondary. You are acting like it's some type of disaster!

Sigh at my grammar mistakes which probably takes away from my point to some extent 😂

Dont once at university, state school educated children get better grades compared with private school pupils with the same entry requirements at my institution anyway.

If you are a SAHM, you are there to encourage homework, support extra-curricular activities and so on. Parental attainment and involvement is key to good results.

As others have said, it's a lifestyle choice. A lot of people work solely to pay school fees, so they - in reverse - may look at your situation with envy.

For what it's worth - I am a SAHM whose kids are educated privately. If I had to choose - and my priority would still be the children and their development - I would choose to be a SAHM and send them to the local school. I think the benefits of private schools are overrated generally (remember they are a very mixed bag) and the time that you can give them helps them far more than being in a smaller class/in a school with better facilities. Personal opinion, obviously!

Meanwhile I shall wonder what it is about my daughter's state education that is so repellent to other parents that they would go to such lengths to avoid it...

Really? Okay, I'll bite. It isn't that state education is repellant it's that a private education is almost always better and that some people prioritise this (and have the means) to get their children the best possible education. Some can't afford to. Some choose not to. Some, like the OP, could afford it but their opinions tip the balance toward something else.

Do you get it now?

I love your comeback Don'ttouch!
I agree that a good state education with supportive engaged parents is almost always going to be fine. I had a private education, husband went to public school and neither if us think it was "all that". We wouldn't send our own kids private although we could afford to do so.

ps I'm working full time and I@m single so it's just not an option for me whatever choice I make. I do know what you mean about the smugness though, I've had parents tell me something great about their child's (private) school and their assumption is that this is not available at my child's state school. When actually, it was, but I said nothing. I see a need to justify the expense, so it's like some of these parents will shut their eyes and ears to how good a state school they could have chosen is. It is uncomfortable to contemplate even for a moment that they could be wasting thousands and thousands of pounds. So if you see 'smugness' as a psychological need to justify the money they're spending, it will make more sense.

Just make sure your children have the private grinds they need to get good marks in the A levels and then they will be able to apply for the courses they want to do.

Yes, you're being unreasonable. If you use your time at home with the kids to encourage intellectual curiosity (reading books, going to museums, doing crosswords and numbers games for fun, etc.) and to help them with homework, extracurricular activities and so forth, they will do perfectly well at state school. A private education is not NEEDED.

I do know that going to a private school never benefited me. The subjects I did best in, I either taught myself or my brother taught me (maths). In my day they gave the best teachers to the brightest who would have done well anywhere.

Smaller classes yes, but better teaching? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I don't know people from school who have opened doors for me or offered me jobs!

But, BountybarsYuk, facts! Not that you've provided any (and I'll wager a lot of money that you won't) but all stats suggest a lower grade from a better University will lead to professional success (career earnings).

If you work at an "institution" such as The University of Bolton (99.4 state school) then you're hardly attracting the bright sparks on whom school fees were well spent, are you?

LOWEST STATE SCHOOL INTAKE

The University of Oxford 57.4%
The University of St Andrews 58.9%
The University of Bristol 59.4%
The University of Cambridge 63%
University of Durham 63.4%
Imperial College London 64.7%
University College London 65.7%
The University of Edinburgh 67.3%
The University of Exeter 69.1%
The University of Newcastle 70%

As others have said you do have the choice if by working you could afford it.
We've chosen for me to be a SAHP but I couldn't afford private even if I worked, we're planning to home educate instead.
Probably best to focus on what works for your family than worry about others.

Yabu, get a job then.

I see a need to justify the expense

Totally agree with this DamePastel. People like to big themselves up. If they've taken on what for many people is a crippling financial commitment, then they want to big that up. In the same way that you never hear anyone come back from a round the world cruise saying it was shit and the food was awful. I'm convinced of this. They also need to believe the hype to make that sacrifice....so they do, even when it's patently obvious that the school is not doing the best for their child. I heard one mother simultaneously complain that her DS wasn't reading very well and boast that "everyone in this school works at least a year ahead". Utterly daft.

a private education is almost always better and that some people prioritise this (and have the means) to get their children the best possible education. Some can't afford to. Some choose not to.

I had not meant anyone to bite, but seeing that you have...

"Better", eh? ExP and her brother were privately educated. One is a librarian, the other works in a record shop. There was a period in a mental institution part way through a PhD at Cambridge. Their father worked like a dog, generally overseas so was rarely involved in their lives.

My sisters and I went to state school. We are the proprietor of a media company, a financial director of an FTSE100 company, a tier-3 civil servant (one below Permanent Secretary) and a barrister.

They could not afford to travel. We went all over the World and learned about different cultures and ways of living.

So far I have taken my daughter to Sri Lanka, Zambia and Zimbabwe as well as the usual European haunts (she is just 6) and we have a plan to drive from London to Cape Town when she is about 13. She reads fluently, has an excellent vocabulary, she is very aware of her good fortune and the need to look out for others and she is universally liked by her teaching staff.

So what is it that I am failing to prioritise? In what way am I choosing not to give her an excellent education? Is that actually what people who pay for education think? That I am choosing to hobble her chances?!

This really irritates me. I have friends who chose to be sahms who I felt we're a bit judgemental when I went back to work. Now I work flexibly when my kids are at school, they are all 'Oh I'd have trained in your job if I knew it was so flexible' well my job is only flexible now because I have 15 years unbroken experience and took the financial hit for 8 years of childcare. I didnt just walk into a job and say I wanted to work school hours! You make your choice of what's best for your family and then you live with it. If you want to change your decision, then do it, but there are pros and cons to each decision.

You could afford it but chose not to.

So... start working again or stop complaining?

My sister worked as a matron in a private boarding school, and many of the teachers there did not have QTS (BEd, PGCE) - and yet these qualifications are essential if you want to work in a state school. I know it's not the main issue here, but does anyone know why?

Sometimes you don't have a choice though!

I am on the fence with private schools but I couldn't afford to work as I was a single parent with a low earning potential! why was my earning potential bad! Well, refer to the shit results I got at private school! but I do still defend people's right to spend their money on whatever they want to spend it on and I know that it can be a good choice.

On the very personal life choices like SAHM, private vs state schools, religion etc, you have to find your own personal inner righteous smugness.

A thousand times this.

OP, if the state schools are great, and you're around to help your DC and do extra stuff with them, and they're happy and doing well, the most cost-effective solution is to get off Facebook.

To paraphrase what I read on here once: my child has two engaged parents; a warm, safe and quiet home; access to plenty of books; participation in a raft of cultural activities and sports; and the genetics to make a good go of their education. If that isn't enough, private school won't make a difference.

What do you feel your children are missing out on? People make the decision to educate privately/stick with the state system for all sorts of reasons. If you are happy with your children's school what's the issue?

Fwiw we could easily afford private education for the DC but have chosen to send them to the (very good) local state primary. If we felt the school was failing them we might well switch to private education but don't really see the benefit otherwise (but then, as a state-educated and now high earning professional couple it was easy for DH and me to see that private education isn't always better). We'd much rather use the money which would otherwise go on fees to ensure our family's financial security, although we do make sure we offer them plenty of extra-curricular activities to ensure they aren't missing out that way.

I could go back to work and pay school fees and educate my kids privately.

two lots of fees won't give you any change from 30k in many parts of the country - for which you'll need to earn around 50k to get 30 after tax and pension. Are you able to go straight back from SAHM into a 50k job?

I've said this before on other threads (so sorry for those reading this yet again) but I think the good results from private schools are often a false positive. To afford to go there the pupils will typically have professional high earning parents. To be in this position the parents will be naturally intelligent. Their children will usually inherit this genetic advantage. Ergo, the private schools get better "raw material" to start with, so obviously their results will be better than average, and so they bloody well should.
My children are clever. They will still be clever at state school.
I actually felt disadvantaged by my private education because if the social bubble it placed me in, solely mixing with others of a certain class. Dealing with "real life" afterwards was more of a struggle as a result. I don't want that for my children. Education is more than academia - social skills are just as (in fact more) important.

Exactly! It's impossible to just 'go back to work to pay school fees'.

the most cost-effective solution is to get off Facebook.

excellent advice for so many threads!