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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to send DS to a childminder in these circumstances?

36 replies

Bubbinsmakesthree · 30/10/2016 22:32

I currently work full time and 2 yo DS goes to a lovely childminder. I'm pregnant and was planning on continuing to send DS to the childminder a couple of days or half-days a week when I'm on maternity leave to give myself a bit of a break from dealing with a newborn and a toddler. We can afford it and I feel it would make life a lot more manageable.

Thing is, our childminder is also expecting and due around the same time as me. She's planning on returning to work after 4 weeks leave.

I feel like it's completely ridiculous of me to offload my son onto another woman who will be going through the same amount of newborn sleep deprivation and colicky hell as me.

AIBU - should I just woman-up and accept the fact that dealing with a toddler and newborn is expected part of motherhood that most people manage and that I should be able to cope, or think that it is perfectly reasonable to pay for a service that someone else is prepared to offer?

OP posts:

longdiling · 30/10/2016 22:36

If she is prepared to work then she would probably welcome the money. She must have decided to go back at 4 weeks for a reason! Besides won't you lose your space if you don't send him? Everyone I childmind for continued to send toddlers while on maternity leave. I had to charge them in order to hold the space so they might as well use it! Take every opportunity to make your life easier I say. Nobody will give you a medal for doing it the hard way.

GreenAndWinter · 30/10/2016 22:39

Yep. Exactly what longdiling said. It will also help to provide continuity for your 2 year old.

Original poster

Bubbinsmakesthree · 30/10/2016 22:51

We were planning to move him to a nursery/pre-school when he is three anyway so we don't need to keep our place with the childminder open.

Demand is high for childminders round our way and I'm sure she'd find it easier to fill a full-time place if DS left rather than try to fill the hours around DS going part-time.

It just feels like failing at parenting!

OP posts:

Bluepowder · 30/10/2016 22:54

It's reasonable to pay for a service, if she needs the money she might be grateful.

catkind · 30/10/2016 22:56

How many kids of her own does CM have already? If several I'd assume she knows what she's about (bar surprises of course). If none I'd assume she'll almost certainly realise she needs more time.

If your CM is really going back to work then you would be doing her no favours by withdrawing your child - I'm sure she'd rather work with one she knows well, and it may be hard to take on new families at that time. Being on mat leave would mean you are in a good position to be flexible if her plans change.

I think the other thing to think about is impact on your own child. There will likely be some compromises at home and at CMs from a new baby being around. Will you be okay with that for him? One of the advantages of them staying in childcare is continuity, which would apply a bit less with a big change at CMs too.

I'd be having a chat with CM about how you feel about it too. She may be able to reassure you she'd really like him to stay, or maybe actually she'd rather have longer off but doesn't want to lose you as clients in the longer term.

Ameliablue · 30/10/2016 22:56

I think it is down to your cm when they return to work but that shouldn't factor into your decision on whether you need a break. Having said that as a working mum I loved maternity leave with my second as it meant I got to spend time with my first as a toddler.

GreenAndWinter · 30/10/2016 22:59

No no no, this is not failing at parenting! If anything, it's being realistic and giving yourself time to get know the new baby. For goodness sake, don't get bogged down in what everybody else expects of you.

Your childminder is a childcare professional. Looking after small children is her job, and she has chosen this. You chose a different career - which doesn't make you any less a good mother!

BBQueen · 30/10/2016 22:59

Could you move him to nursery early? I think my DD appreciated a break from the newborn a couple of times of week, which your DS wouldn't get if his CM is keeping her baby at home.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 30/10/2016 23:04

should I just woman-up and accept the fact that dealing with a toddler and newborn is expected part of motherhood that most people manage and that I should be able to cope

I do this too, tell myself everyone else manages so I must be a shit mother. It's damaging. People on here often say it's easy, deal with it, other women do much more than 'just' look after a toddler and newborn but I will admit I did it bloody hard. If it's tough for you, there is nothing wrong with you or your parenting. At least you're trying! Mine and are 5 and 2 now and it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I am very stressed a lot of the time. But when it does work, it's great.

Keep using the childminder!

LovingLola · 30/10/2016 23:10

Will she be able to care for your son properly though? If she has been up for hours at night with a newborn baby how will she get through the day with your two year old (who is not her own two year old!)

9troubledwaters · 30/10/2016 23:11

I planned on doing this but didn't in the end when I realised baby was much more content lying in his rocker watching toddler run around & play than staring at my boring mug all day.
It's only two days though I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. The most attractive thing would be being able to get a nap in yourself when baby sleeps.

Noodledoodledoo · 30/10/2016 23:15

Well if you are failing so am I. I have a 2 year old and a newborn and 2 year old is still going to nursery - we have reduced the time by a day due to finances but it is a god send.

I am using the time to do some of the classes I want to with the newborn which I couldn't do with 2 year old in tow.

I need to return to work so it means there is continuity for them as well.

NapQueen · 30/10/2016 23:17

Maybe do 2 full days at cm and three at home with you?

Dd went to the cm Tuesdays and Wednesdays from when I started mat leave (32 weeks due to illness) until I went back to work when baby was 6mo.

QuackDuckQuack · 30/10/2016 23:24

Will you use the CM for your younger one? It is probably worth keeping your DS there to maintain your relationship with your CM.

When I had DD2, DD1 continued at nursery (not a long hours one) for 3 full days and 2 half days. It was her preschool year, so she benefited from being able to mix with the children she was going to school with and she loved nursery. DD2 then joined DD1 for a couple of mornings a week from 7 months to ease her into nursery and so that DD1 could be the big sister at nursery. It gave me a break too.

So keeping your DS the the CM for 2 mornings isn't a huge amount in comparison.

Shosha1 · 30/10/2016 23:25

Are you sure your CM would take your toddler part time.

I only took full timers, so in your situation would expect full time pay or the child withdrawn.

As you are both going on maternity at the same time and your DS is going to nursery after, is she actually expecting him back after the 4 weeks ?

Leonas · 30/10/2016 23:25

My DD(3) still goes to nursery one day per week while I'm on mat leave for a number of reasons: I need a break/ time to catch up on housework/ time with the baby, she gets to do something different and play with other kids etc, she will be going there when I go back to work and it didn't seem fair to take her out completely for 6 months and then send her back 4 days per week!
If your childminder is happy to work then there is no reason for you not to send your son there!

blowmybarnacles · 30/10/2016 23:32

As a childminder, I doubt I'd be able to give any child my full attention so soon after giving birth myself. 4 weeks leave after any job is too soon, and looking after other children? i wouldn't, and would not expect a childminder to either, even if she says she will - though she may need the money.

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/10/2016 23:32

If cm is happy carrying on working and wants your child then do it

It's good for your child to have continuality while you are on ml

And good for you to have time to relax /sleep while baby is asleep

kittymamma · 30/10/2016 23:33

Bed time for me so I have only read some of the replies but didn't want to click off without replying. When my DS was born I continued to have my DD collected from school by my childminder 2 days a week to give me days I could go out and not worry about being back for 3pm. I would ask your childminder and do as I did, ask what suits her. After all, for me if didn't matter if I met up with my friend on a Monday or a Tuesday, just as long as I could.

In your situation I would ask what she would prefer and offer to work around her to a maximum of however many hours a week.

maddening · 30/10/2016 23:37

Many preschools take from 2/2.5 would doing three morning sessions 9-12 be ok? They are usually much cheaper and he would be more settled when it came to going to work - you could probably get dc2 to a childminder who would do pickup for afterschool if preschool didn't do wrapround hours also

neweymcnewname · 30/10/2016 23:44

Another thing to consider, is that ur little boy may like to keep going to the child minder as it is part of his routine, when lots of things are changing with ur new baby - even if u could manage with him not going at all, he may miss it?
I would play it by ear tho, with whether the CM is really feeling up to caring for other kids when she has a new baby too, and tell her to let you know if she isn't up to having him, and that you won't mind if that happens.

IMissGrannyW · 30/10/2016 23:46

Um.... have a conversation with the CM?

Original poster

Bubbinsmakesthree · 30/10/2016 23:53

We've not fully discussed what will happen after the new babies arrive, other than I know she only plans to take 4 weeks leave (which is what she did when her last DC was was born). I couldn't possibly imagine childminding with a 4 week old (I can't imagine childminding full stop!) but she's done it before.

It's possible she won't want DS part-time (though she has other part-timers), but I've not yet broached the subject as I feel ridiculous expecting her to take DS when I'm not working myself.

Ideally I would transition DS now to a couple of days a week at nursery so that we could maintain continuity for him (dropping childminder days when I go on mat leave) but the waiting lists are absurd so it's a non-starter, earliest we can get him in is half way through my ML.

I wouldn't have second thought about this if the CM wasn't also going to be dealing with a newborn the same as me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bubbinsmakesthree · 31/10/2016 00:01

I think basically the situation underscores the fact that I'm in a much more privileged position than she is in a way that makes me uncomfortable.

OP posts:

NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/10/2016 00:05

My minder only took 3 days off.

That was her choice to make.

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