to send DS to a childminder in these circumstances?

[Bubbinsmakesthree]

I currently work full time and 2 yo DS goes to a lovely childminder. I'm pregnant and was planning on continuing to send DS to the childminder a couple of days or half-days a week when I'm on maternity leave to give myself a bit of a break from dealing with a newborn and a toddler. We can afford it and I feel it would make life a lot more manageable.

Thing is, our childminder is also expecting and due around the same time as me. She's planning on returning to work after 4 weeks leave.

I feel like it's completely ridiculous of me to offload my son onto another woman who will be going through the same amount of newborn sleep deprivation and colicky hell as me.

AIBU - should I just woman-up and accept the fact that dealing with a toddler and newborn is expected part of motherhood that most people manage and that I should be able to cope, or think that it is perfectly reasonable to pay for a service that someone else is prepared to offer?

Mum of a 2yo and a 5mo here. It's not as hard as I feared thought it would be. But it sure ain't easy either!
I'd send your toddler as normal. It'll keep his routine for him, give you some one on one time with your newborn etc.
If I could afford it, I'd probably do the same, though I have enjoyed the extra time with my eldest during this maternity leave.

Absolutely not unreasonable

You need the break.
Reading between the lines try ds loves going there.
The CM would welcome the money.
Where are the negatives

I'd spend time with them both until he starts pre school. If he knows you are home with the baby and not at work he may get jealous. Plus don't you want the extra time with him whilst you have chance after working full time?

Four weeks after birth they jump back in and follow the EYFS curriculum whilst caring for a new born seems very very unrealistic for a minder. Babies take up a lot of time.

That's not helpful Sheldon. Way to try to guilt the OP

I would feel bad for CM but you need to look after you. You don't know your CM situation, she might have a load of family help etc.

Our CM continued to take and collect dd1 from school for 3 months after dd2 was born. Then I found a routine. She even collected and dropped to our door!

I needed that help so took it.

No what you're doing is fine. She is choosing to go back to work early. I do think there is a chance she may change her mind and it will be difficult for her, although that shouldn't be your concern, you do want the best for your own child.
I agree with the person who mentioned nursery. Nursery will always be more reliable than a childminder as the care isn't affected if someone is unwell.

I would question how the cm is going to manage? Will your child be plonked in front of the telly because ah Ros too exhausted to entertain him? If she is BF it can take up hours and hours every day. How will she manage. I don't think yabu, I think the cm is. No one should be returning to work at 4 weeks. If it is because of a financial situation perhaps better financial and family planning would have been wise.

I can't see the connection between your impending arrival and hers, to be honest. If you think it is best for your family, continue sending DC1 to childcare and paying. I did the same for a few hours a week in your situation, and it's the best money I ever spent (granted, with an EMCS which hopefully you won't need). She is evidently going back so early because it's the best thing for her and her family: she may prefer not to, maybe she's being forced because they need the money, but either way she's not going to get any benefit at all from you unilaterally deciding you feel bad for her so you're not going to use her services, is she? If you weren't comfortable sending him somewhere with another newborn around or whatever, that would be different.

I'd spend time with them both until he starts pre school. If he knows you are home with the baby and not at work he may get jealous. Plus don't you want the extra time with him whilst you have chance after working full time

Or perhaps he will be far better if kept to his normal routine and be pleased to have a few hours with a cared about childminder and his friends when he can have fun without a pesky baby being about.

In this situation I think I would be looking to see if he could start nursery early, even if it is 1-2 days a week (they might welcome someone to take the less popular days, and it gets your foot in the door to a full time place in due course, if availability is an issue where you are)

Needs - but in this scenario he will still have a pesky baby about! No respite from them, in fact!

Yes but it won't be his pesky baby.

I am reliably informed by my 3yo that her pesky baby (11 weeks old) is far more special and annoying than pesky babies that are not hers.

Her minders baby just sort of hangs out in a wrap on her minders back not being annoying or bothering her whilst her baby insists on doing things like using her mums boobs and sitting on her mums lap, luckily so far she's not asked me to do a swop or anything like that.

And my 4yo says the baby with the minder is nice enough but not as nice as his baby. Apparently it's different