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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

who was being unreasonable? stranger told my son off (shouted in his face)

155 replies

FindingEmo · 29/10/2016 23:45

I'm not sure if the woman was unreasonable or if i was.

It is my son's 3rd birthday today and we went to a theme park to celebrate. Ds2 had fallen asleep in his pushchair so dh stayed with him while I queued up for a ride with ds1. Behind us was a couple with a little girl probably about 6 or 7 yo. Early on ds1 said hi to her and she didn't reply so after that he ignored her. It was near the end of the day and he was tired so held him most of the time but towards the end he got excited to get on the ride and got down. The girl was stood by the barrier looking through a gap and Ds went up and stood by her and tried to look too. The girl moved and ds only being 3 followed her and they both tried to look through a gap again. Obviously i was close by as we were queuing. All of a sudden The woman leans down and yells no don't do that just inched from ds face. Ds starts crying and I grabbed hold of him. Straight away I yelled at the woman for doing that to my son and she said well no one else was going to tell him off. I asked why he needed telling off and she said ds had bitten her daughter. I didn't see it and id been watching them also the girl hasn't reacted at all, no crying saying ow or even moving away. I told the woman she should have told me if she saw ds doing something she didn't like and I would have sorted it. We both yelled for a bit (she got right in my face) until i turned my back on her to end it and she didnt try and continue it. I know my son isn't an angel and can be naughty but as far as I'm aware he didn't bite the girl but even if he did was I wrong to yell at the woman for shouting in ds face. He sobbed for the rest of the queue, luckily he cheered up when we got on the ride.

OP posts:

Cucumber5 · 30/10/2016 05:52

There's a good likely hood your child bit another child. It's irrelevant that she didn't yelp or get upset, it doesn't mean it didn't hurt. No the girl didn't have to tell you, she doesn't know you from Adam. Yes the mother was entitled to tell your son off. No she shouldn't have shouted. She could have also told you but she clearly thought you wouldn't do anything.

Tunnel · 30/10/2016 06:00

A few weeks at soft play another child punched my son so hard he fell over and then jumped on him. I ran over (was only metres away thankfully!) and physically had to hold this other child back whilst also trying to help ds (aged 3) up. I didn't hurt or harm the child in the slightest - I literally just had my arm in the way to stop him continuing to kick my ds who was on the floor and really distressed. I also said firmly 'No we don't do that, you are hurting him and it's unkind'. The other childs mother came over and started yelling at me, how dare I touch her child, she would have me done for assault, etc. I was absolutely gobsmacked - apparently her child never behaved like that, I and my ds made it up. Another father came over and told her her son had been similar behaviour towards his son - but she wouldn't listen. This situation reminds me of that - maybe we shouldn't discipline/ interfere with others peoples children but if someone hurts my child I certainly am not going to stand back and let it happen - I will protect my child and then expect the other parent to take it from there. Two sides to every story!

Pearlsofmadness · 30/10/2016 06:07

YABU

You said he cheered up when he went on the ride after so he clearly wasn't too emotionally scarred. He's probably learnt his lesson and will be less likely to bite another child next time.

londonrach · 30/10/2016 06:08

I remember a time when it took a village to raise a child. this is a difficult thing one as it depends on if ds had bit her dd. Sounds like you may have been further away than you say. IF ds bit her dd of course she tell him not to as she's protecting her dd as im sure you would have done the same for your ds.

PokemonWanker · 30/10/2016 06:21

I'd hide this thread if I were you, OP.

I don't believe anyone here would be happy if a stranger shouted in their 3 year olds face. Even if they like to think the opposite.

Helloitsme87 · 30/10/2016 06:34

To be honest, she wasn't unreasonable if she thought your son with biting her daughter. She reacted on instinct and I would have done the same. You then start yelling and then after turn your back. She doesn't carry on and your son enjoys the ride. Let it go I say.

FrancisCrawford · 30/10/2016 06:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trifleorbust · 30/10/2016 06:40

I agree that most people would react defensively if a stranger shouted at their child. But that doesn't make it reasonable. If your child did in fact bite her child, I am less surprised that she shouted than I am that you are still angry about it, having accepted the possibility that your son bit her daughter.

SpaceDinosaur · 30/10/2016 06:43

"He just bit my daughter"

"Oh my god show me where"

^^ THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOUR RESPONSE

None of this bloody shouting in public like god knows what.
ASK TO SEE IT.

If there was something to see then deal with DS appropriately for biting.
Just because the other child wasn't distressed, doesn't mean that she wasn't bitten.

Also. What's your definition of shouting?

The other mum got down to your son's level and raised her voice to him?

Or did she shout so that the people both ends of the queue knew what was happening?
Do you shout at her at the same volume as she was shouting at your DS or did that it get louder?

Trifleorbust · 30/10/2016 06:45

Also there's a lot of emphasis here on 'yelled in his face' as if that's the most terrible thing anyone could do to a child

Kids will experience raised voices and yes, angry shouting. They will survive. She didn't touch him, she just reacted to what was, to her, a threatening situation. Not that much of a big deal that I would still be going on about it like she beat him up.

babyapril · 30/10/2016 06:54

I would definitely asked to see the mark too. I would need evidence.
if my child had, l would have been furious & apologised to everyone.
This is why l watched mine like a hawk at that age. Over the top you could say , because l didn't want incidents like this happening.
There are some scary parents out there - and l would have been livid if the same unfounded accusation was aimed at my child.

youarenotkiddingme · 30/10/2016 06:54

You'll never win because on Mn it's believed it takes a village ....,

I believe it does - but there does have to be some ground rules in that village.

I think she must have yelled extremely loudly for it to have bothered you enough to post and react back to her.

I expect any adult near DS to sort him out if needs be - have a word etc. But yelling someone's face is intimidating and would be called abuse of spouse to spouse.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2016 07:01

These things happen. Let it go. I would have been firm and perhaps raised my voice. Not a tirade of abuse. Saying a sharp "stop" perhaps followed by a "we don't bite" or similar usually stops young children in their tracks.

Your reaction should have been. OMG, show me where. Then apologising. Maybe she would have calmed down and your ds too. Your shouting match with her will have heightened your ds's feelings and contributed to his continuing distress. Perhaps she would have realised she overreacted. You certainly did.

squiggleirl · 30/10/2016 07:44

Early on ds1 said hi to her and she didn't reply

Here's where the little girl made her opinion on engaging with your child clear.

The girl moved and ds only being 3 followed her and they both tried to look through a gap again.

Here's where she showed she wasn't comfortable with your child being near her, and you excused his behaviour in spite of her lack of comfort with the situation. This was the time to intervene. He should not have followed her to the new spot, and if he did, you should have stopped him. He is 3, you are not.

the girl hasn't reacted at all, no crying saying ow or even moving away.
So what? She could still have been bitten. The severity of the bite is not the focus, and her reaction has no input into how the situation is handled.

I told the woman she should have told me if she saw ds doing something she didn't like and I would have sorted it.
No she shouldn't. Not when her child was involved. You had already demonstrated that your child was the priority not hers. You had ignored the girl's right to personal space with the excuse that your child was 3. If my child is hurt, I deal with it. If another parent doesn't like it, tough shit.

You missed the opportunity to deal with this alone prior to the incident. You ignored the girl's responses that she didn't want to engage or be near your son, and still you allowed him into her space, and to follow her when she tried to get away from him. Had you respected her right to not have to engage with your son to begin with, this situation would never have arisen. He would not have been near her, and there would have been no question as to whether or not he had bitten her, or whether or not shouting was appropriate.

Only1scoop · 30/10/2016 08:25

Squiggle puts it perfectly....she shouldn't have told you anything, you saw for yourself twice that she didn't want to engage with your ds.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 30/10/2016 08:26

There are some scary parents out there - and l would have been livid if the same unfounded accusation was aimed at my child

Jesus christ! 😂😂😂

shrieklesoda · 30/10/2016 08:39

I think she must have yelled extremely loudly for it to have bothered you enough to post and react back to her.

I don't think this is necessarily true at all. I've met many people in life who are ridiculously over sensitive. Someone squinting into the sun and minding their own business is 'giving them a dirty look'. Someone who slightly raises their voice in frustration is 'screaming at them'. Someone who taps them in the shoulder 'hit them'. And on the flipside, if they are mildly irritated by something they describe themselves as 'livid', if they are a bit upset they are 'heartbroken' etc.

I already posted upthread that I've no idea if the other parent overreacted and shouted too loud, so I'm not just wading in to have a go at the OP. But I wouldn't take the fact that someone took the time to post a thread as being evidence in itself that the other person was overly aggressive.

babyapril · 30/10/2016 09:20

what Glad l made you laugh
Why would you take some of my opinion out of context?
Our eldest is 18- l've seen the lot over the years.
There are some parents who dont have any self control - it doesn't matter if their victim is a small child.
Luckily none of my children used to bite. They were however ,bitten. I didn't scream or indimidate the biter - as it is a normal part of child development. I'm rational though.
We do need to watch our children &make sure they don't bite others - l would also have kept my child away from the little girl when she indicated she didn't want to be friends!
And... we don't actually know the op's child didbite . Although many of you have already decided he did!

corythatwas · 30/10/2016 09:31

youarenotkiddingme Sun 30-Oct-16 06:54:47

"I think she must have yelled extremely loudly for it to have bothered you enough to post and react back to her. "

Are you sure? I once got the glare of all evils for gently seizing a toddler by the arm and preventing him from stepping into oncoming traffic. I suppose I should have waited and spoken to his mother (who was a good 10 metres behind) so as not to take away her parenting prerogative. He, of course, would have been dead, but at least he would not have suffered the shock of being touched by my unhallowed hands.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 30/10/2016 09:34

It's your ridiculously OTT choice of wording that made me laugh! Victim?! Demanding to see evidence?! Brilliant!

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 30/10/2016 09:40

I expect any adult near DS to sort him out if needs be - have a word etc. But yelling someone's face is intimidating and would be called abuse of spouse to spouse.

That is a nonsense argument, that gets trotted out on mumsnet a lot. The key difference is that your spouse is presumably an adult and adults and children have different rights and responsibilities under law.

Ever sent a misbehaving child to their room or sat them on a naughty step? - false imprisonment if you did it to an adult. Stopped pocket money? Financial abuse if you did it to an adult. Confiscated a toy for bad behaviour? Theft if done to an adult.

Zhabr · 30/10/2016 09:53

When DS was about 18 month old, he was bitten by a slightly older girl for no reason at all. She just sunk her teeth into his arm. It happened so quickly. He cried, of course. The mother, who was holding a newborn, apologised and took her daughter away. I consoled DS, end of story . Nobody shouted.
It takes a certain person to react in this way, you never know who you are going to encounter in a busy queue. Especially in the theme parks, where everyone tired at the end of day of long queuing. May be his particular person has some MH issues.
I know I would not yell back in this situation, I am normally a very calm person. I would probably asked if the lady forgot to take her pills by any chance.

youarenotkiddingme · 30/10/2016 10:13

I don't agree with yelling in a child's face. Yelling in anyone's face TBH.

I do agree with adults dealing with children whoever they are if they are closest.

I also know I've had a few twats be unreasonable towards my DS. It's pissed me off - but not enough to post here. Therefore I assumed it must be bad for op to post.

We all have different versions of 'bad' though.

AskBasil · 30/10/2016 10:15

Fuck me there are a lot of thick, abusive parents on MN nowadays.

I blame penis-beaker.

People who justify shouting in a child's face, you just sound like you are abusive. Seriously, you do. It's a vile, bullying thing to do to an adult, let alone a child. I think it's actually worse than smacking a kid, because it is such a primal, frightening thing to do to someone so much smaller than you.

You are a horrible person if you behave like this to small children. Seriously, if you do, get parenting classes.

Trifleorbust · 30/10/2016 10:23

Basil, this just sounds hysterical. In suspect most of us got shouted at once or more growing up - it's not overly pleasant but it's not abuse. Be serious.

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