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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

who was being unreasonable? stranger told my son off (shouted in his face)

155 replies

FindingEmo · 29/10/2016 23:45

I'm not sure if the woman was unreasonable or if i was.

It is my son's 3rd birthday today and we went to a theme park to celebrate. Ds2 had fallen asleep in his pushchair so dh stayed with him while I queued up for a ride with ds1. Behind us was a couple with a little girl probably about 6 or 7 yo. Early on ds1 said hi to her and she didn't reply so after that he ignored her. It was near the end of the day and he was tired so held him most of the time but towards the end he got excited to get on the ride and got down. The girl was stood by the barrier looking through a gap and Ds went up and stood by her and tried to look too. The girl moved and ds only being 3 followed her and they both tried to look through a gap again. Obviously i was close by as we were queuing. All of a sudden The woman leans down and yells no don't do that just inched from ds face. Ds starts crying and I grabbed hold of him. Straight away I yelled at the woman for doing that to my son and she said well no one else was going to tell him off. I asked why he needed telling off and she said ds had bitten her daughter. I didn't see it and id been watching them also the girl hasn't reacted at all, no crying saying ow or even moving away. I told the woman she should have told me if she saw ds doing something she didn't like and I would have sorted it. We both yelled for a bit (she got right in my face) until i turned my back on her to end it and she didnt try and continue it. I know my son isn't an angel and can be naughty but as far as I'm aware he didn't bite the girl but even if he did was I wrong to yell at the woman for shouting in ds face. He sobbed for the rest of the queue, luckily he cheered up when we got on the ride.

OP posts:
Original poster
FindingEmo · 30/10/2016 00:17

Thank you basil. I thought I was the only one who wouldn't shout in a child's face!

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 30/10/2016 00:20

Worra, the little girl would have reacted to being bitten on the face and had marks. I also think it's likely the OP would have noticed pushing and shoving in the lead up to the incident if the mother was right and she didn't.

The other mothers account just doesn't ring true.

Although I agree with what the poster above said, it's not worth stewing over.

WorraLiberty · 30/10/2016 00:21

One person's raised voice is another person's shouting.

Especially when that other person is the parent of a child who has been told off by a stranger.

I suspect you would be annoyed either way OP and I get that it can be upsetting when a stranger tells your child off.

But the truth is no-one here knows whether she really 'yelled' or 'shouted' in his face or whether she just raised her voice to him.

Either way I think you need to stop stewing on it. It's not like you're likely to see her again and hopefully if your child did infact bite the girl, he might think twice in future.

Hope it didn't spoil the day too much.

thisisafakename · 30/10/2016 00:21

I don't know how many times i have to say that if he bit her then the woman had very right to say no to.him but she didn't have the right to shout in his face

Well, actually, you said to her that she should have told you, so chances are that you would have kicked off even if she had slightly raised her voice and said no. Maybe he will now realise how naughty biting is. But you also need to have a word with yourself about starting slanging matches in front of your child. You should have calmly said 'don't shout in his face' and then removed yourself from the situation. You are setting a bad example to your DS.

Also, I think that no matter how much you try to turn the story around in your own favour, you will not get the response that you are looking for here.

YABU

Rascallsall · 30/10/2016 00:23

It is absolutely not ok. We had a very similar situation in a theme park queue many years ago. DD aged 3 apparently kicked the lady in front of us. She was swinging her legs around and not deliberately kicking. The lady screamed in her face and she immediately wet herself in shock ( had been dry for a year and didn't have accidents) DD is now 20 and this is (sadly) her earliest memory.

WorraLiberty · 30/10/2016 00:25

Worra, the little girl would have reacted to being bitten on the face and had marks. I also think it's likely the OP would have noticed pushing and shoving in the lead up to the incident if the mother was right and she didn't.

Perhaps the other mother stopped him just in time so he didn't actually manage to sink his teeth in?

And no, you wouldn't necessarily notice shoulders being pushed together because there's no 'barge' to see if that makes sense?

Just hard leaning.

Still not worth the OP thinking about now though I agree.

SpunkyMummy · 30/10/2016 00:29

If he did bite her? YABU!

Yes, you may be upset that she shouted at him and made him cry...

But if he was biting her daughter? And if her daughter was trying to move away from him but he kept following her? Of course she would scream! And get in his face!!
And you know what? Maybe if she really did scare your son and he may not bite an other kid again!

However, if he didn't bite her? Then no, YANBU!

SpunkyMummy · 30/10/2016 00:31

rascall accidentally kicking is different than (potentially) biting/trying to bite somebody!!

AskBasil · 30/10/2016 00:32

The OP has told us what happened. Hmm

We don't need to speculate further.

If you take her post at face value, what happened was that some uncivilised woman shouted in her child's face.

That is vile behaviour. There's no argument about that.

I don't quite see the point of speculating as to whether we know better than the OP what might have happened.

Hmm
SpunkyMummy · 30/10/2016 00:45

There are usually two sides to a story.

But yes, "if" we do take what OP said at face value...

ThereIsNoFelange · 30/10/2016 00:47

Oh we were at soft play last week. DD (almost 2) in big caged in ball pit, I couldn't get into it but was standing watching her through the netting.

Other wee girl goes in with her dad. He couldn't go in either but was standing at the entrance, literally right next to them. I see other wee girl grab DDs foot and bite it. No reason whatsoever. Very sly about it.

I did shout "no, don't!" But too late. Poor DD was in bits. I was about ready to blow my top. I leaned in and picked her up. Other girls dad was like "what? What happened?" even though he was closer than I was, he just didn't see. I explained she had bitten DD on the foot. I was totally ready for an argument TBH (which absolutely isn't like me but this really annoyed me!) but he was super, super apologetic (clearly not the first time she had done this). Took the wind out of my sails. I ended up feeling a bit sorry for him, he was clearly mortified.

That's how to handle it, OP. Kids can just do these things sometimes.

Permanentlyexhausted · 30/10/2016 00:48

If you see a child injure or about to injure another child then I don't think it is unreasonable to use your voice at a volume and tone that would make that child stop what it is doing immediately.

It seems unlikely to me that someone would choose to yell at someone else's child in public if they didn't have a reason to. The little girl had moved away once. Perhaps the biting had happened earlier and the woman thought he was going in for a second chomp. At 7 it's unlikely either of my children would have made much fuss until they were away from the incident so the fact she didn't scream and cry is not necessarily significant.

WorraLiberty · 30/10/2016 00:49

I've witnessed too many 'wronged' people over egging the pudding to take anything at face value I'm afraid.

Especially when it comes to parents whose child has been told off by a stranger.

They always 'shout', 'yell', 'scream' in the child's face when telling them not to do something naughty.

Same as disliked MILs always 'sneer' 'demand' and are 'horrified' when having a disagreement.

Popular school gate Mums are always in a 'clique' rather than standing talking to their mates in the playground.

Jesus, if you took every upset poster's interpretation at face value, all you'd be doing is agreeing with everything they said and handing out Thanks like there's no tomorrow.

Not helpful to anyone really if you don't at least try to read between the lines and understand that sometimes emotions can make some people react/interpret differently.

I know when I look back over the years, I got really upset and angry with some parents, when really it was me/my kids who I should have blamed.

It's all part of parenting imo.

Only1scoop · 30/10/2016 00:52

Exactly

Original poster
FindingEmo · 30/10/2016 00:54

Felange I would have been apologetic if she hadn't screamed in his face. Normally if he's mean to another child I will apologise to the parent and check their child is ok (after I have told him off etc). What i took offence to was her putting her face up to his and yelling at him (enough to make ppl stop and look).
I am not one of those parents who just let their kids behave badly while pretending he's an angel but she didn't need to be so awful to him.

OP posts:
AskBasil · 30/10/2016 01:00

It's not true that if we took all stories at face values we'd just be validating people.

This is a site designed to support parents, not tell them their version of events is wrong because we think we know better even though we weren't there.

And it also isn't here to tell parents that behaving abusively towards children, is AOK.

Anyway I'm off to bed. Good night OP, no you're not mad, some of us know that shouting in children's faces is bloody wrong and not the way to deal with bad behaviour.

SpunkyMummy · 30/10/2016 01:02

Why would this woman suddenly start screaming for no good reason? She must have known this would create a scene...

Why should we take what you wrote at face value? 1. This is the internet

  1. somebody made your son cry...

Not to mention, maybe there's a reason why the little girl didn't scream? and just tried to move away? Btw, a kid trying to move away from an other kid (repeatedly)? This might just indicate that your DS was doing something

Anyway, OP, you're obviously convinced that she was wrong and you were right, and that he didn't try to bite the kid.

So... good night.

Permanentlyexhausted · 30/10/2016 01:06

OP, ask yourself this: If your DS was being bitten or about to be bitten in the situation you describe, what would you do to stop it? Honestly.

SeeTheGood20 · 30/10/2016 01:08

It is not acceptable to shout at other people's children whilst the parent is there in my opinion.
What's wrong with a gentle tap on the shoulder saying "excuse me, your child is biting my child."?

AmIthatbloodycold · 30/10/2016 01:08

Shitty behaviour ?Wink. Yeah alright then

If he was trying to bite my DD, damned right I would be in his face

Only on MN would the sad minority think this abuse

SpunkyMummy · 30/10/2016 01:09

20 kid 1 is about to chomp down on another kid's cheek. Instead of stopping kid one you turn around and politely tell the other parent?

Kid 1 will have bitten kid 2 by then...

Original poster
FindingEmo · 30/10/2016 01:15

Exhausted- personally I would have told the child to stop calmly I would have then asked the parent to step in I would not yell in a child's face.

The girl did not move repeatedly she moved once as the line moved. If she kept moving as though trying to get away i would have told ds to leave her alone but she seemed fine having him there.

OP posts:
SpunkyMummy · 30/10/2016 01:15

I'd scream if your son tried biting one of our dogs (parent's dogs, actually)!!

Original poster
FindingEmo · 30/10/2016 01:18

Spunky- so you think it's ok to get close to and scream in a child's face?

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 30/10/2016 01:21

At first I was Skeptical, but IMO after reading your posts Op I'm not convinced my perception of 'screaming in his face' would be the same as yours.
IMO YABU

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