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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

who was being unreasonable? stranger told my son off (shouted in his face)

155 replies

FindingEmo · 29/10/2016 23:45

I'm not sure if the woman was unreasonable or if i was.

It is my son's 3rd birthday today and we went to a theme park to celebrate. Ds2 had fallen asleep in his pushchair so dh stayed with him while I queued up for a ride with ds1. Behind us was a couple with a little girl probably about 6 or 7 yo. Early on ds1 said hi to her and she didn't reply so after that he ignored her. It was near the end of the day and he was tired so held him most of the time but towards the end he got excited to get on the ride and got down. The girl was stood by the barrier looking through a gap and Ds went up and stood by her and tried to look too. The girl moved and ds only being 3 followed her and they both tried to look through a gap again. Obviously i was close by as we were queuing. All of a sudden The woman leans down and yells no don't do that just inched from ds face. Ds starts crying and I grabbed hold of him. Straight away I yelled at the woman for doing that to my son and she said well no one else was going to tell him off. I asked why he needed telling off and she said ds had bitten her daughter. I didn't see it and id been watching them also the girl hasn't reacted at all, no crying saying ow or even moving away. I told the woman she should have told me if she saw ds doing something she didn't like and I would have sorted it. We both yelled for a bit (she got right in my face) until i turned my back on her to end it and she didnt try and continue it. I know my son isn't an angel and can be naughty but as far as I'm aware he didn't bite the girl but even if he did was I wrong to yell at the woman for shouting in ds face. He sobbed for the rest of the queue, luckily he cheered up when we got on the ride.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 30/10/2016 00:02

To be 100% honest, most kids caught biting another child and then getting told off by that child's parents (even without yelling) will cry.

They'll cry because they've been caught doing something naughty.

Most parents whose child has been told off by a stranger, will get annoyed and defensive.

They'll get annoyed and defensive because their child has been caught doing something naughty, that someone else has told them off for.

I don't know if she really shouted right in his face or if that was your interpretation, because someone else raised their voice to him.

But it's done now and it wasn't a particularly nice experience for any of you. Least of all the little girl who got bitten.

I'd try to put it out of your mind. Kids do these things and parents often overreact Thanks

Original poster
FindingEmo · 30/10/2016 00:03

I'm not saying she shouldn't have stopped him If she saw something i didn't but it was the way she did it that shocked me

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 30/10/2016 00:03

Behind us was a couple.
I was close by.
None of that suggests you were paying close attention.

ManaFleet · 30/10/2016 00:05

I may be a little hormonal but this has really upset me. Your poor little boy and poor you! You said that the little girl was in no distress whatsoever. You said that you were watching them and did not see him bite her. Seems to me that the other mother was mistaken and wrongly screamed at a small boy on his birthday. I'd have been furious.

Hope you both had a lovely day and evening despite it.

BillSykesDog · 30/10/2016 00:05

The OP was watching and she didn't see him bite. He doesn't bite habitually and there is nothing in the description of the encounter which makes it suggest that he was being aggressive or cranky towards the girl, more that he was trying to be friendly.

The OP said she was watching him and saw nothing. I believe her. I think it was probably just a rather nasty woman who shouted at him for being a normal friendly toddler and then made something up when she was challenged on it.

It just doesn't make sense. The OP was watching, saw nothing and 3 year olds don't go from friendly to biting in 2 seconds. You normally have time to see when things are getting fractious and step in Plus if she was right in his face he can't have been biting. The OPs a/c rings true to me.

Original poster
FindingEmo · 30/10/2016 00:05

Wolfie there was the couple behind me, my son and the girl then me I couldntnhave been much closer

OP posts:
buckeejit · 30/10/2016 00:05

Yabu. He bit a child. You've said he doesn't normally bite. How many times are you aware of him biting? I have a 3 year old. She's bitten her brother once. I wouldn't say she doesn't normally bite. I'd say she's only ever bitten her brother once which is why I'm asking you to quantify.

I would,be upset though if someone shouted at my dc but they overreact & behave badly when overtired. Try not to be too upset over it. Parents shouting at each other is never good though

CheeseBadgers · 30/10/2016 00:07

Does sound like he was being annoying.

WorraLiberty · 30/10/2016 00:07

Blimey though. I'm old enough to remember when it was perfectly acceptable to raise your voice to other people's kids when they were being naughty.

I must have been yelled at by nearly every neighbour in the street and I bloody deserved it too Grin

It's not always a bad thing and sometimes being told off by a stranger, can be 100% more effective than being told off even repeatedly by your own parents.

bumsexatthebingo · 30/10/2016 00:07

The op said he had his back to her so she couldn't see. I think it would be very odd for someone to shout at a toddler for being friendly. Sounds like the other mum saw what was happening ad managed to stop him before he sunk his teeth in.

Wolfiefan · 30/10/2016 00:08

It's not about proximity. It's about watching them and actively being a parent.
It's about taking responsibility and apologising if your child behaves badly. It's about issuing consequences if your child bites rather than complaining she's being unreasonable!

AmIthatbloodycold · 30/10/2016 00:08

Well I would do the same. You sound just like my 'D'sis who lets her children cause havoc while smiling indulgently but gets all arsey when others in the family pull them up.

If your child was trying to bite her daughter you're lucky that she only shouted

Original poster
FindingEmo · 30/10/2016 00:09

Bill thank you. From how they were stood He could have only bitten her on the face as there faces were in the same gap and the girl didn't make a sound, most kids would make a noise if bitten on the face. The woman seemed anoyed that ds wanted to stand where her daughter was and that's why she shouted at him.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 30/10/2016 00:10

My DS1 was a very sly biter.

I could totally see him biting the girl because they were both trying to look through the same gap, and he wanted her to move out of the way.

So it makes sense to me.

He's 24 now and as far as I'm aware, completely out of that habit Grin hopefully

Somerville · 30/10/2016 00:10

Listen, if your kid did bite hers then being bitten is worse than being shouted at so he got the lighter end of the deal.

If he didn't bite her kid then the mother was totally out of order and frankly rather barmy.

But you don't know, so I agree, try to stop stewing about it.

BillSykesDog · 30/10/2016 00:12

Buckeejit, when your daughter bit your son what was the context? My son bit occasionally at the same age. There was always a lead up of tantrumming over sharing toys or sitting on a particular seat, or something at least. He never went from being friendly to biting without some sort of squabble. I suspect this woman may just have gaslighted the OP. She was watching, she didn't see it. So it probably didn't happen. But if someone claims something like that you question your own eyes.

WorraLiberty · 30/10/2016 00:12

So they were stood there with only their faces in the gap?

Without their shoulders/upper arms touching?

I really think in your shoes I would be giving her the benefit of the doubt, not looking for ways to imagine she made it all up.

Just let it go.

Some kids bite when they're little and that's a fact.

Only1scoop · 30/10/2016 00:13

'And she said well nobody else was going to tell him off'
Sounds like he'd been annoying, biting etc and she thought you were ignoring it.

Original poster
FindingEmo · 30/10/2016 00:13

I don't know how many times i have to say that if he bit her then the woman had very right to say no to.him but she didn't have the right to shout in his face.

Wolfie he has disaplin if he is naughty but as I said i had his back to me as he was interacting with the girl so i couldn't see his mouth, unless you are saying I should make him face me at all times

OP posts:
AskBasil · 30/10/2016 00:14

FFS.

Of course it's not all right to shout in a child's face.

Whether the biting took place or not, shouting in a child's face so loud that he cries, is fucking shitty behaviour and if you think it's OK, you're probably a really shitty person. It's just perverse to defend this.

And no, for the hard of thinking, that doesn't mean that biting is OK or that not supervising your child is OK. It just means that shouting in a child's face, is vile behaviour.

Mmmkay?

Original poster
FindingEmo · 30/10/2016 00:16

Worra of course their shoulders were touching but he could have bitten her on the shoulder if their faces were touching

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 30/10/2016 00:16

Oh come on Bill think about it.

The girl tried to look through a gap and the OP's DS tried to look through the same gap.

The girl moved to look through a different gap and the OP's DS followed her.

The little girl could well have tried to block his view/lean hard against him to move him away and that's when he might have bitten her.

All that could have happened in a matter of seconds. Not seen by the OP but seen by the other parent.

Wolfiefan · 30/10/2016 00:16

Ok. Aggressive and stroppy much. He doesn't have "disaplin" (sic) if he bites a child and instead of telling him off and taking him out of the queue you come on here and rant about a parent shouting because her child was bitten.
I'm out.
(But hopes the OP and biting child aren't next to her in any queues in the future. I too would shout!)

eyebrowsonfleek · 30/10/2016 00:16

Totally acceptable for a parent to shout if their child has been bitten. Biting is pretty serious and the mum is obviously going to stick up for her daughter.

Totally bizarre for you to expect her to tell you what your son had done so you could tell him off. I think it's outrageous that you yelled at the mum (but I'm assuming that she's on the higher end of "inches away")

BillSykesDog · 30/10/2016 00:16

Being bitten on the face and making no noise, not making a move which indicated to the OP it had happened, the woman being able to get right in his face while he was supposedly biting and the OP mentions no visible marks. And if a child was biting my child's face I would be more concerned about getting them off than shouting.

I'm with you OP, I think you're right. She didn't like him standing near her but thought you'd be too scared to challenge her shouting.