Night nurse sleeping through our baby crying

[SleepyAlpaca]

We had a night nurse for 2 weeks as a present from my FIL for our second DS. DS1 is not yet two so we were really grateful for the chance for a bit more sleep! However, last night (after ten days of being in our house) both myself and my husband were woken at 5am as DS2 had been screaming for some time. I went into the room after knocking and the night nurse was fast asleep, whilst DS2 was in the Moses basket face down and unable to breathe properly. I called her name but she didn't wake up! I didn't know how she could sleep through as we could hear him from the other side of the house.
My husband confronted her at 6 and asked what she had been doing, her excuse was that he had been up and very unsettled until 4 am so she'd fallen really deeply asleep. She promised it hadn't happened before. My husband refused to pay her for last night and asked her never to come back, but should we have paid her for last night?

Dadof2now you sound awesome, so does your wife.

Best of luck to you both. My 2 are now teenagers but I remember all too well the total exhaustion when dc2 was born. Very sensible of you to get professional help to deal with it, and kind of your father to fund it, and it's just a shame that this time your night nurse's professionalism was found wanting.

There's a reason why it's preferable for newborn babies to stay close to their mothers at night, rather than fathers or strangers.

It's because a nursing mother will have high prolactin and oxytocin levels and is more likely to be responsive to a baby's needs at night than anyone else. Her whole sleep architecture will be different from someone who has not just given birth to a baby. This is part of nature's grand design to protect babies.

OP - why not ditch the night nanny and pay a doula or mothers help to come during the day to help your wife - look after your toddler so she can have a nap?

minifingerz, that really depends on the mother

My ex-SIL snored through her children's crying for years: my db responded every time. She was a very loving mother- but also a heavy sleeper.

As for me, I was so exhausted when dc were little that though I usually woke up, I wasn't really safe in my reactions; I would have been quite capable of dropping ds or putting him into the air next to the changing table. I did manage to drop dd on the head as it was, thanks to a faultily adjusted (by me) carry-cot.

Thankfully, my parents stayed with us when ds was newborn and helped to carry him to my bed and change his nappy. They were in their 70s but woke without fail whenever he needed them. Dh did an evening feed with expressed milk: again, he woke up so I could sleep.

If the OP and her DH have identified a problem (as we did), then surely they must deal with it as they think best?

The problem here was not the night-nurse's lack of the proper mothering hormones: it was the fact that she was on the night-shift, so had no more right to go to sleep than somebody steering ship at night or driving a lorry or working in A & E. If you take the night shift, you make sure you get enough sleep in the day. Lorry drivers or captains don't have mothering hormones either- they just know they have to stay awake.

Afternoon everyone. Thanks for all the reports about this thread. Could we please ask that you use the same courtesy when posting messages on Talk- even AIBU- as you would use when speaking to someone face to face? Please do bear in mind how difficult this parenting business can be, and if there's one thing all of us could do with, it's some moral support.

The Night Nurse was asleep when she should have been awake - she is at work! Can night duty workers in general just sleep heavily on the job and expect no censure plus full pay if they're caught?! Some people are entrenched in their belief that anything to do with caring for chilldren within the home is NOT a real job!

Put your baby in your room and get up and feed them and look after them yourself. Never heard of something so pathetic. What do you expect when you have to pay someone to look after your own child get up yourself not leave it down to a stranger

Almost as pathetic as posting on a 2 year old thread 

@universe00 What an awful thing to say.

I know this is 2 years old, but have you never had to put any of your children in childcare? Sent them to school in the care of someone else? Had your child in hospital, looked after my nurses and doctors? Personally I think I’d be much more at ease with having childcare while I’m at home also!