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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Night nurse sleeping through our baby crying

110 replies

SleepyAlpaca · 29/10/2016 08:33

We had a night nurse for 2 weeks as a present from my FIL for our second DS. DS1 is not yet two so we were really grateful for the chance for a bit more sleep! However, last night (after ten days of being in our house) both myself and my husband were woken at 5am as DS2 had been screaming for some time. I went into the room after knocking and the night nurse was fast asleep, whilst DS2 was in the Moses basket face down and unable to breathe properly. I called her name but she didn't wake up! I didn't know how she could sleep through as we could hear him from the other side of the house.
My husband confronted her at 6 and asked what she had been doing, her excuse was that he had been up and very unsettled until 4 am so she'd fallen really deeply asleep. She promised it hadn't happened before. My husband refused to pay her for last night and asked her never to come back, but should we have paid her for last night?

OP posts:

Topseyt · 29/10/2016 10:30

The OP has NOT been back and answered the points at all. BakeOff is quite reasonable to repeat them.

We do not know how old the baby is, and a screaming baby is certainly breathing without problem.

It IS a no-no to put babies down on their fronts, but my DD1 could wriggle from her back onto her side almost from when just a couple of weeks old. I can well imagine she would soon have got onto her front, so should I never have slept at all??

Casmama · 29/10/2016 10:30

Perhaps those sanctimonious posters bleating on about how bad it is to have a stranger look after you baby during the night could have some consideration for the fact that many people have no choice if their babies need to stay in special care.
I think it highly unlikely that 10 nights are going to affect th bond the op has with her child so perhaps people could answer the question asked and not use this as an opportunity to have a go.

Meadows76 · 29/10/2016 10:31

BakeOff - are you reading the thread? Each of these points have been discussed can you point out where? Because all I see is people asking questions and the OP hasn't answered

SpaceUnicorn · 29/10/2016 10:31

But FFS don't berate her just because she hasn't returned to the thread yet to answer your questions

I wasn't berating the OP. I was pointing out that guesses by other posters were not legitimate answers to questions, and as the OP hasn't posted anything further those questions are still unanswered.

Topseyt · 29/10/2016 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

thisisafakename · 29/10/2016 10:32

I wouldn't I trust a complete stranger to care for my baby during the night

I am sure you would if (god forbid) your baby had to go into hospital for example. Night nurses are not just randoms off the street, you know. They are for the most part highly qualified nannies. Just because you physically gave birth does mean that your care is superior to anyone else's. In fact, a nanny with expertise in caring for newborns might be better placed to meet the baby's needs than a parent who is suffering from severe sleep deprivation. Sleep deprivation then has a detrimental effect on how the parent interacts with the child during the day. I entirely sympathise with people who employ NNs. It's just the cost that is off-putting.

That said, the OP's one sounds a bit rubbish if she could not be roused.

Nurszilla · 29/10/2016 10:46

If she had done the last 10 nights in a row could it be that she was just absolutely knackered? I work nights and point blank refuse to do more than 4 consecutively as (even thought I sleep in the day) that's when I start getting tired and my standards slip.

Then again, having MC after MC... I would give anything to be kept up all night by a newborn. (I realise this isn't helpful in the slightest)

GabsAlot · 29/10/2016 11:12

regardless of what we think about night nurses she slept on the job

if my husband does that he gets fired

if shes tired shes not in the right job

birdladyfromhomealone · 29/10/2016 11:41

I am a Doula and night nanny,
I am paid to look after babies during the night, if they are awake I am awake,so parents can sleep.
Once baby is settled and asleep I will try and sleep though more often than not I cant sleep properly.
I finish at 9am after getting Mums breakfast and after she has had a shower/got dressed.
Most of my Mums are sleep deprived or have PND or recovering from birth trauma.
These are not the idle rich not wanting to look after their baby at night, poor OP is probably really upset reading some harsh comments.
I do wonder if the NN is old Skool as a colicy baby used to be laid on tummy to settle then turned on the side with a rolled up blanket behind them- that all stopped with Ann Diamonds campaign after she lost Sebastian to SIDS.
IMHO The night nanny must have been extremely knackered if she fell asleep and it is really not good practise to do more than 4 nights in a row.
If I did that I would NOT be expected back and have some seriously bad feedback!!!!

Dadof2now · 29/10/2016 11:51

As the husband of the original poster I felt compelled to reply, and join just for this post.
Please don't judge my wife - she's a amazing woman who loves and cherishes our children -
After our first child didn't seem to sleep for the first 9 months a night nurse was suggested to help.
We don't have parents who can help in the day.
My father currently having chemo felt as he couldn't help would give us some cash to pay for a night nurse to help us cope with a exhausting but amazing toddler and a new born.
The night nurse was being paid each night more than I take home a day for work.
I therefore paid her each day.
I sleep like a log and despite this my baby's screams woke me up.
I gave it some time before alerting my wife as I thought the nurse was struggling to settle him.
She investigated to see if the nurse needed some help but found her deeply asleep,
I left the night nurse asleep and only woke her after I had showered and got ready to leave for work at 6am.
I asked her if she felt she should have been paid and she said no.
I asked her not to come back as she was being paid to look after my child and I didn't feel I could trust her to do that.
Some people suggested that we're bad for allowing someone else to help - sometimes people need help and it should be ok to ask,
I'm not big on social media or forums but I had to defend my wife who looks after our children whilst I am often out of the house for 14 hours a day at work.

Caper86 · 29/10/2016 12:00

Bloody hell all of you saying they shouldn't have a night nurse - have you ever been sleep deprived?! It can drive you crazy and lead to PND. It's literally torture. Plus they are only doing it for 2 weeks. What difference is it to using a nanny or child minder in the day anyway?

To me this sounds like an incredibly lucky thing to be able to do and a very thoughtful gift from the FIL. All you supermums who can get through the day on an hours sleep without feeling it shouldn't judge other mums, they're just human. Jeez.

quicklydecides · 29/10/2016 12:00

Hello dad.
Your wife posted on aibu which typically is a light hearted robust opinions part of the website.
The tone tends to be straight forward, speak before you think, let's thrash this one out.
There are plenty of sleep deprived women here, just if your wife hangs out more on the sleep, parenting, new baby sections, she'll only get supportive and kind answers.
This section isn't for the sensitive times in life.
So really, chin up, I hope your wife sticks around, there's lots of support here, I certainly am no stranger to a baby that just won't sleep and a husband who's always at work.
Congrats to you both.

waterrat · 29/10/2016 12:02

Dadof2 im sorry you feel you need to respond to the idiots on here who are being judgemental.

In traditional societies. .or even our own until very recent times..There would have been many people on hand to help with a baby.

In modern times we are more alienated and cut off from each other. Sadly as mumsnet sometimes demonstrates we are not supportive to each other

I hope you do not feel at all worried about the decision to pay for help in lieu of your family. Please don't feel bad for not paying this woman either.

Good luck with your new family and I hope you find a new and better night nanny.

NoahVale · 29/10/2016 12:02

I sleep like a log and despite this my baby's screams woke me up.
I gave it some time before alerting my wife as I thought the nurse was struggling to settle him.
She investigated to see if the nurse needed some help but found her deeply asleep,
I
Could you have investigated mr husband rather than send wife only teasing

seriously, you did the right thing. congrats on your lo, and good luck for your father

MiscellaneousAssortment · 29/10/2016 12:05

Ouch, just read the more recent posts. Please OP do not feel bad for being an actual living breathing human who needs to sleep occasionally!

Some people lurk on here ready to take out their spite on hapless people in need of support and kindness.

I had the worst non-sleeping baby ever and completely sympathise with any parent trying to cope on no sleep night after night, week after week, month after month... It was 6 months before DS would sleep more than 45 mins in a row. Then it went up to 1hr 30 and at 10 mths he finally slept more than 3hrs in a row and I could survive on that just about.

It's relentless. And it takes its toll, physically and mentality.

You feel like a failure, like everyone else is coping and you are somehow not doing it right.

Implying someone is a bad mother for just needing some sleep is cruel. And untrue.

OP, gold star for taking that offer of help and looking after yourself. Your baby and toddler need their mummy to be able to function. It's not selfish, looking after yourself, it's being a good mother.

corythatwas · 29/10/2016 12:11

OP and OPs husband: work in the day, sleep at night= perfectly reasonable

night nurse: works in the night, sleeps at night= not reasonable

MiscellaneousAssortment · 29/10/2016 12:11

Btw, I found great support in the sleep section. Lots of other somewhat tormented veterans of non sleeping babies on there :)

Serialweightwatcher · 29/10/2016 12:12

I wouldn't have paid her either - yanbu

gardenflowers · 29/10/2016 12:16

creampastry - my son rolled over at 10 days and other son at 2 weeks it is possible in real life although this was from front to back

TaliDiNozzo · 29/10/2016 12:21

You should've paid her but if you don't want her back that's perfectly acceptable. Also as others have pointed out, if your DS was really unable to breathe, he certainly would not have been able to cry out loud enough for you to hear him. It sounds to me like you're having an understandable emotional response to this and have assumed the worst.

My DS could roll at that age. It was more of a leaning towards one side and when he cried and thrashed about he could turn himself onto his front.

daisypond · 29/10/2016 12:22

I consider the night nurse to have been negligent. Her only job was to look after the baby at night and she didn't do it, or only partially did it - because she fell asleep. I'm not sure of the general rules of being a night nurse - are you not meant to sleep at all, or are you allowed to get some sleep if you can, as long as you're on call if the baby wakes up? If she'd been working in a hospital, she'd be up for a disciplinary, wouldn't she?

QueenLizIII · 29/10/2016 12:24

I think the present from FIL is a red herring otherwise the OP would not be refusing to pay her.

She paid for a night nurse herself and just didnt want to admit it so pretended it was a present.

rollonthesummer · 29/10/2016 12:24

Why is your husband paying her if it was a gift from your fil?
Has she rolled the baby over herself?

user1477282676 · 29/10/2016 12:26

Idiots on here. Nothing wrong with a night nurse. I'd have loved one!

I wouldn't have paid her either.

QueenLizIII · 29/10/2016 12:28

There is nothing wrong with one but the OP thinks their is hence her paying about FIL paying for it.

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