Saying no visitors at hospital after DS' op

[DillyDingDillyDong]

I'm posting here for a bit of traffic more than anything but am 100% prepared to be told if I'm being unreasonable.

Trying not to say too much as it will most definitely out me, don't want to waffle but don't want to drip feed!

DS has had major surgery today. It's been cancelled three times before now and has been a bit of a rocky road getting here. I've recently miscarried and have a few other stresses going on.

His surgery was on his head. He is all bandaged up and groggy now but is only going to get worse. He already has black eyes and his eyes are going to swell up to the point where he probably won't be able to see for a day or two. Both my family and DH's family have members who would get very upset seeing him like this which is something that I don't want to have to deal with whilst trying to cope with everything myself. I understand that it is upsetting to see him like this so DH and I decided not to have any visitors whilst in hospital which should be until Thursday, but possibly sooner. As soon as we get home we're happy for people to come and visit. DS will be much better by then and more relaxed at home.

We told both families this and explained why in a sensitive way. I told my family, without mentioning names, that we know it will be upsetting for some and the hospital isn't the best environment for that so its fairer to just say nobody visit than a select few. DH did the same with his family. There was a bit of a grumble on both sides but we asked them to accept and respect our wishes and that was that. I should say here that when I had DS there was an issue with visitors and people thinking they could visit whenever they wanted, even twenty minutes after he was born!

So today we bump in to my sister downstairs who is waiting to see him after surgery, my mum calls to say she'll be visiting tomorrow night, mil drove to the hospital and came up on to the ward, called DH to come and buzz her in. My sister got upset when I told her that she couldn't see him after because of the ward we were on not allowing visitors. My mum said that I was being unfair and selfish for not letting her come and see him. Mil was furious that DH wouldn't let her in and has sent me a message saying she knows that he wants her there and that I need to stop being so stubborn. FIL later called to tell DH how upset mil was and how when we have grandchildren we'll understand how hard this is for them.

I have no idea what to say to these people! I've been very sensitive and nice about it and given the option of visiting at home and the reasons why that would be best for everyone but I've just been ignored. I know it's hard for them to see DS go through this and they just want to see him but I feel they're really not seeing our point of view.

I'm tired, stressed, upset, worried and already sick of hospital canteen food. I said to DH to just let them visit but he thinks we need to stand firm on this for all of our sakes. Are we doing the right thing?

I'm probably not very mature or reasonable but I would send one very, very snotty group text (some of you seem to have misunderstood: no visitors means no visitors and yes, that includes you) and do one very, very snotty Facebook post complaining that some people are so incredibly rude and selfish that they think their wish to visit a child who has had major surgery is more important than allowing said child and his parents to get on with his recovery and not have to keep explaining to idiots that there will be no visitors. And I'd comment on your SIL's ridiculous Facebook post to leave her and her friends in no doubt that she's a twat.

18 months!! Poor little love, of course he doesn't want visitors fussing anf faffing over him, all he needs is his parents.

They only want to see him to either salve their own consciences, or to show how caring they are, or to be able to talk about it to others later.

This! Even if they don't realise it themselves, they just want a piece of the action. Of course they will be worried and want updates on how he's doing but they don't need to be physically there unless you want them to be.

Hope the little chap feels better soon, bless him

Oh fucking hell dilly I remember the drama your delightful SIL caused when her dogs 'weren't invited' to your DS's first birthday party! I am so SO sorry he's been so ill and that both your families aren't respecting your wishes.

How is he doing today? Are you and your DH ok?

Just sending you a big hug, and a really gentle hug for your little boy.
Under no circumstances would I even be asking to go to visit if that was my little nephew. I would be more than happy it there was something I could do that was helpful, like giving lifts to and from hospital, doing some grocery shopping, basically anything that might help. No way would I be presuming that it was of any use for me to be going in gazing at him.
This must be very difficult, and the last thing you need is anyone making it worse for you.
All the best to you, your husband and little boy.

Wishing your DS a swift recovery and is home soon

Echo what everyone else (apart from Tennisnan) said. And if I were your DH I'd post on Feb exactly what he said to you, his Dsis has had months to see him, so she can naff off with the pa comments, the ignorant twit.

When my child was in hospital and an infection which meant he was kept in isolation, no visitors allowed, I had constant requests to visit. People didn't believe it was actually the nurses and docs saying you are not allowed. The extra persistent would come and visit me for lunch which I also found unhelpful because it took me away from my son.
Recently a friend mentioned the time my son was in hospital and referred to it as if I had been keeping visitors away to stop people seeing my child.
People are truly bizarre and unfortunately you have to develop a bit of a thick skin to get through it all.
One thing I found helped was giving them something to do so they didn'tfeel excluded. For example, I am sorry that no visitors are allowed at the moment but we would really appreciate some help to get us through this time. Please would you walk the dog for us or mop the floors or put a wash on or bring us some decent food etc.
Hope times get better for you soon xx

Urgh - I'm so sorry that you're being put under this added stress when I'm sure you can well do without it. I wish your DS a speedy recovery.

This is from a mum who for DS lots of time in hospital with disabled DS!
YABU!
They just want to see the grandson after he's had a terrible operation. They also want to offer you some support!
They are not being mean or selfish, they are as concerned as you!
I think it's wonderful that they are wanting to take time out of their day to see DGS.
Children are usually glad to see a new face and a change of character. My DS loves seeing his Uncle as he is silly and will try to cheer him up !

I get the feeling you are being way too over protective and I'd let them see him for half an hour!!!

Thank you all so much for your replies. Sorry it's taken forever to reply. We've had a bad morning and we've needed to up pain relief and from about 7am to ten minutes ago he was sat on me crying because he can't see, then feeding, then crying for mummy, then feeding. I tried to give him something to eat and he refused so then gave him a bit of ice cream and he screamed the place down! The doctor came to see him and was laughing at how much of a bad mother I was for attempting to give him ice cream

One of DH's friends commented in SIL's status. He just said that he would love to go and see DS too but got his cuddles in as many times as possible over the last few weeks and confirmed that it is normal to not have visitors for now anyway as we're on HDU ward and then said that he understands why we've asked for no visitors. 'After the crap they've been through lately they need a bit of family time to focus on getting everyone better. I know they've told their families this as I was with (DH) when he text you. I,m sure you're as excited as I am to visit when they get home. I bet you e already booked a dog sitter for the afternoon." He is just awesome. He text DH to tell him to block SIL for the next few days and he'll deal with her!

Tennisan I know for a fact mil will not be able to cope seeing him. She has cried every time we mentioned the operation. She has told me how upset she would be. When he was first diagnosed and we were told what needed to happen she was inconsolable. My sister has cried about it quite a bit, also she has three children and BIL is away so they would havE to visit too and I don't want them seeing DS like this. We are currently on a high dependency ward. He is attached to so many wires that I need help to get him out of his cot. How dare you suggest that I am just being controlling. The most important thing to me right now is doing everything I can to keep myself and DH calm and happy so that we can focus solely on getting our little boy better. That means not having to deal with family members crying and getting themselves worked up over DS.

Thank you for your kind words and well wishes.

What a fantastic friend! That's the type of people you need around at the moment

Owly I hope your DS is doing well. What you've said makes complete sense however it's just not what is happening here.

I'm so glad that your friend has your back. Your son needs you and his dad. When he's feeling a bit better the extended family can visit at home and give him cuddles but not now. I agree that they want to visit for them and not his benefit.

YANBU you know what is best for your family. My DS recently had OHS and like you we said no visitors, it would have distressed both DS and visitors alike. I know family members were concerned and just wanted to see him, but he didn't want them to see him in such a vulnerable position. He and my Dh and I needed the time together and to focus on his recovery. Visitors were warmly welcomed when he got home. Wishing you all a speedy recovery and a bright future

Dilly What an amazing friend he is, and wording it so well that it would be impossible to take offence!

Sending hugs and . Have you been able to get enough rest while you've been there?

Owly, they are being totally selfish because they're thinking about their own need to see the OP's DS, not what is best for him and his parents, who are actually pretty important in his recovery and should be left without this stress. They can talk to both the OP and her DH to find out how things are going.

Hope your DS recovers quickly Dilly.

Oh Dilly - what a great friend! So glad someone else has taken on the PA comments and put everyone straight, what a star!

Just ignore tennisnan - she obviously has her own axe to grind and hasn't even read the situation properly.

And Owly - it's a different scenario if the family are used to a child being in hospital for operations, this isn't the same situation at all. Especially as it sounds really quite awful for the OP's little DS, and it will be taking all Dilly's and her DH's strength to stay strong for him, they don't need other weepers and wailers around too!

Owly, the OP's son is a baby, he cannot currently see and he is getting distressed because of it. The family who want to visit are not accepting to help in any other way but branding themselves as victims in this situation. They also have been known for crying in distress just by mentioning the surgery. It's not the normal ward of the hospital, it's a delicate brain procedure. An infection there would have very damaging consequences. Putting aside the risk (which I think is top priority anyway), how would the OP's baby feel any better by hearing distressed family that he cannot see or touch? My baby cries if he hears my toddler cry, and he knows why she's crying because he just saw it. How would this baby feel if he were to hear voices, cries, distress everywhere around him and not even know who / where / what? The kid didn't even accept ice cream, I'd say he's not up to anything but rest! The OP's family is being unreasonable and self-centered.

Dilly hope your son makes a quick recovery xx

What a great friend, Dilly, so pleased he has your back. Thinking of you guys and hope your little guy is feeling a bit better this afternoon.

Oh Dilly, please ignore Tennisan

Bless your DS for reacting so badly to the ice cream! It sounds like you've had a really tough morning, thinking of you all. My DD had a sudden illness and required surgery at around your DD's age. It was nothing like as serious, so I can't claim to know what you're going through, but I do remember how hard it was being in a hospital environment, not having your own space and comforts and trying desperately to be cheerful and calm for the DC. Your family are being incredibly selfish by not respecting your wishes and ultimately making this time harder for you, rather than doing everything they can to help.

Your DH's friend, however, is a star, excellent comeback to SIL, particularly about booking the dog sitter. Let him deal with her, clearly he's got your back!

Hooray for DH's mate!

Hand holding for you, OP, so sorry he is so distressed. it's as hard as anything. I hope he starts to turn a corner soon.

Least he's OK that's the main thing:-)

And strength to cope with that you too DillyDingDillyDong!

Your dh's mate is a star. He's a keeper.

You do whatever you need to do to get through this. Fuck anyone else. Whatever feels right to you is the right choice at the minute. If that includes screaming at your families to fuck the fuck off then I wholeheartedly support that decision.