Saying no visitors at hospital after DS' op

[DillyDingDillyDong]

I'm posting here for a bit of traffic more than anything but am 100% prepared to be told if I'm being unreasonable.

Trying not to say too much as it will most definitely out me, don't want to waffle but don't want to drip feed!

DS has had major surgery today. It's been cancelled three times before now and has been a bit of a rocky road getting here. I've recently miscarried and have a few other stresses going on.

His surgery was on his head. He is all bandaged up and groggy now but is only going to get worse. He already has black eyes and his eyes are going to swell up to the point where he probably won't be able to see for a day or two. Both my family and DH's family have members who would get very upset seeing him like this which is something that I don't want to have to deal with whilst trying to cope with everything myself. I understand that it is upsetting to see him like this so DH and I decided not to have any visitors whilst in hospital which should be until Thursday, but possibly sooner. As soon as we get home we're happy for people to come and visit. DS will be much better by then and more relaxed at home.

We told both families this and explained why in a sensitive way. I told my family, without mentioning names, that we know it will be upsetting for some and the hospital isn't the best environment for that so its fairer to just say nobody visit than a select few. DH did the same with his family. There was a bit of a grumble on both sides but we asked them to accept and respect our wishes and that was that. I should say here that when I had DS there was an issue with visitors and people thinking they could visit whenever they wanted, even twenty minutes after he was born!

So today we bump in to my sister downstairs who is waiting to see him after surgery, my mum calls to say she'll be visiting tomorrow night, mil drove to the hospital and came up on to the ward, called DH to come and buzz her in. My sister got upset when I told her that she couldn't see him after because of the ward we were on not allowing visitors. My mum said that I was being unfair and selfish for not letting her come and see him. Mil was furious that DH wouldn't let her in and has sent me a message saying she knows that he wants her there and that I need to stop being so stubborn. FIL later called to tell DH how upset mil was and how when we have grandchildren we'll understand how hard this is for them.

I have no idea what to say to these people! I've been very sensitive and nice about it and given the option of visiting at home and the reasons why that would be best for everyone but I've just been ignored. I know it's hard for them to see DS go through this and they just want to see him but I feel they're really not seeing our point of view.

I'm tired, stressed, upset, worried and already sick of hospital canteen food. I said to DH to just let them visit but he thinks we need to stand firm on this for all of our sakes. Are we doing the right thing?

Yanbu at all - what a selfish bunch of tossers

Hope ds is on the mend and that you're as OK as you can be

I was going to say yabu when i was assuming your boy was older but when you said he is 18 months.. no. He is going to be stressed enough he doesnt need weeping relatives at his bedside. He needs peace and quiet. Hope he feels better soon.

My daughter texted us all with group updates once a day when my two day old granddaughter was in intensive care. We all respected their wishes te no visiting, they had enough to cope with.

They are making your sons Ill health all about then to get attention. Especially your sister.

Hope your little one makes a good recovery.
I think you're doing the right thing, op. I really don't understand why your family aren't respecting your wishes, it sound like they're trying to make it all about themselves.
I agree with previous posters about sending a quick group message just as a reminder. Let your dh handle sil, if she never talks to you again is that really a bad thing?

Hospital stays are horrible and stressful without all of that going on. The awful jet-lagged tired and grubby feeling and the constant worry. Is there anybody you could trust to deal with /communicate with the family and maybe give you some help with shopping/cooking when you get home?

Stand your ground OP. Huge respect to you and your DH. Wishing your son a speedy recovery x

I'd like to think that if I were in your families position I would respect your wishes and do nothing other than offer to run about making sure you had enough food/clean clothes etc.

I hope you're all OK today

You're doing what's right for you and your son. Who gives a shit if that upsets overly sensitive and completely selfish people in the meantime. I hope your son makes a speedy recovery and that you look after yourself aswell!

Does SIL know that she can't bring her precious fucking dogs to the hospital?

Or to your home when DS is still vulnerable and recovering?

I would go utterly batshit on SIL but that's just me.

YY to the previous poster who suggested a group text querying why they turned up when you told them that they'd not be allowed in. DS is not allowed visitors. End of.

YANBU. At. All. It's incredibly selfish of your family to make it all about them at time of such enormous stress for you. I hope your DS is home and fighting fit very soon.

(For what it's worth, when my DD had open heart surgery as a baby, my parents didn't visit until we said it was OK and would have accepted it without question if we'd said we didn't want visitors on the ward.)

My DS was worn out by the procession of people appearing at the end of the bed . They get so many doctors , nurses, assistants, appearing all day long, doing obs etc. it is exhausting, and they need to sleep, undisturbed, whenever they can.

Your relatives don't seem to grasp just how ill he is , if your SIL thinks she can come bouncing in with a balloon and a cuddle.

My parents came in for a short, quiet visit, which DS enjoyed and found comforting . Another relative came later on, immediately wanted cups of tea and toast from the parents kitchen for own DC, brought a DC with a streaming cold which I immediately caught: not funny when you are having to be taught the long term sterile procedures we needed to carry out once we got home

tennisnan really? I assume you have problems with your DIL then. The OP is going through stress from various events and has to deal with family making life difficult. No she is doing the best for her child and controlling dil my ass she said the same to her own family.

OP YANBU and I would be finding it so hard to hold back from replying to the fb comment. I'd run her into the ground on it. Hope your little one makes a quick recovery. When my DD was in hospital visitors made it so much harder.

Also like to know how a one year old can verbalise their choice at this point!

YANBU at all, but I wanted to say that if I was your mum I would without doubt drive for 45 mins just to bring some food and not expect to see your ds - I'd want to do anything I could to help and make that time easier for you. You know your mum though and know if this is what she would do.

FFS Tennisnan, this is a very poorly child in hospital, not a family social event. The parents here are doing the right thing - putting the child first and not giving in to the needs of relatives. Who cares if people are pissed off? The only thing that matters is doing what's right for the child. As soon as he is well enough I am sure they will welcome visitors. But for now it is unbelievably unpleasant of the other family members to keep piling on pressure to visit.
And you might want to RTFT - the child is 18 months old so hardly capable of expressing his own opinion on visitors.
And if you had RTFT you would realise the problems are with OPs own family too - she is not being a mean DIL.

tennisnan really? Another controlling DIL? Did you not read the part about no relatives visiting? Even from the maternal side of the family. And what does the child want?? He's 1.5 years old, recovering from surgery and can't open his eyes, what do you think he wants? A procession of relatives or his parents in a quiet, calm environment?

OP yanbu, at all. You're doing what is best for your family right now. You and your husband are all your son will want right now. Ignore the drama in the outside world and concentrate on looking after each other. I hope your boy is feeling better and home soon. for you OP.

Tennisan, have you been in hospital with a small child who is indergoing major / serious surgery? I am not talking appendix, or a plate in a fractured limb... ?

The OP is dealing with a family who think it reasonable to turn up as the child is coming out of recovery ! And visited maternity hospital uninvited 20 mins after the birth!!

People put up boundaries where it has been proven they are needed!

OP; if I was your Mum I too would bring a plate of easily eaten tasty nutritious food, and a change of clothing for you, and not expect anything at all. People did this for me when DS was in hospital.

But the issue is that your relatives are different!

I wonder who is a mil You can't say" of course" they can handle it Tennisnan unless you know them (or are one of them), op has clearly said some will not be able to and will create drama none of them need so she is treating them all tthe same and her dh is of the same opinion, you clearly have your own issues, it doesn't make all dil's wrong

Tennison the child could barely cope with being breast fed by his own mother do you think he wants auntie and granny and grandpa in the room too!

Blu a child with a cold on a hospital, what are some parents thinking! I think hospitals should have clear signs up 'if you or you child are ill, do not visit patients at this hospital'.

Also the thing about 'onlookers' is they can add to the drama. My friend's child had a very painful and scary accident. One of the teaches who was there ended up feeling faint and needing to sit down. Anything that doesn't bring any benefit to the patient and actually detracts attention away from the patient is bad. People who want to help and express concern could do so without getting on the way.

Another controlling DIL. At no point have you said what the child wants.

He's one. I'm guessing the answer is 'his parents' and 'to feel better'.

Just a long list of your own problems.

Which are frankly more relevant than

Of course they can cope with seeing him like this.

Given they can't cope rationally with not visiting him in hospital, and say daft things about how bad this is for them, that is highly questionable.

I'm wondering what's the real reason you're behaving like this?

She doesn't want to have to deal with the family's self-indulgent self-manufactured drama when her focus is rightly on her ill child?

Quite apart from infection risk, wearing out the kid and the fact that she just doesn't want them there. It will make zero difference to the baby and the next most important people in this scenario are his parents. People who aren't being supportive of them are behaving atrociously.

I meant the teacher detracted attention away from friend's child. He could have found out what had happened without going to look at the child. It just seemed unnecessarily because the child already had people attending to them!