Saying no visitors at hospital after DS' op

[DillyDingDillyDong]

I'm posting here for a bit of traffic more than anything but am 100% prepared to be told if I'm being unreasonable.

Trying not to say too much as it will most definitely out me, don't want to waffle but don't want to drip feed!

DS has had major surgery today. It's been cancelled three times before now and has been a bit of a rocky road getting here. I've recently miscarried and have a few other stresses going on.

His surgery was on his head. He is all bandaged up and groggy now but is only going to get worse. He already has black eyes and his eyes are going to swell up to the point where he probably won't be able to see for a day or two. Both my family and DH's family have members who would get very upset seeing him like this which is something that I don't want to have to deal with whilst trying to cope with everything myself. I understand that it is upsetting to see him like this so DH and I decided not to have any visitors whilst in hospital which should be until Thursday, but possibly sooner. As soon as we get home we're happy for people to come and visit. DS will be much better by then and more relaxed at home.

We told both families this and explained why in a sensitive way. I told my family, without mentioning names, that we know it will be upsetting for some and the hospital isn't the best environment for that so its fairer to just say nobody visit than a select few. DH did the same with his family. There was a bit of a grumble on both sides but we asked them to accept and respect our wishes and that was that. I should say here that when I had DS there was an issue with visitors and people thinking they could visit whenever they wanted, even twenty minutes after he was born!

So today we bump in to my sister downstairs who is waiting to see him after surgery, my mum calls to say she'll be visiting tomorrow night, mil drove to the hospital and came up on to the ward, called DH to come and buzz her in. My sister got upset when I told her that she couldn't see him after because of the ward we were on not allowing visitors. My mum said that I was being unfair and selfish for not letting her come and see him. Mil was furious that DH wouldn't let her in and has sent me a message saying she knows that he wants her there and that I need to stop being so stubborn. FIL later called to tell DH how upset mil was and how when we have grandchildren we'll understand how hard this is for them.

I have no idea what to say to these people! I've been very sensitive and nice about it and given the option of visiting at home and the reasons why that would be best for everyone but I've just been ignored. I know it's hard for them to see DS go through this and they just want to see him but I feel they're really not seeing our point of view.

I'm tired, stressed, upset, worried and already sick of hospital canteen food. I said to DH to just let them visit but he thinks we need to stand firm on this for all of our sakes. Are we doing the right thing?

Poor you... they're being wankers. Utter wankers. Tell them all to piss off and waste no more energy worrying about it xx

As a GP I would probably be quite upset at being barred.

However, that would be my problem and not yours. With such a little one, it is absolutely your decision and they should respect that.

I am really close to my DGC, but I know in these circumstances, all they would want would be their own parents, not anyone else.

God your families are stupid. Tell them where to go OP.
Stick to your guns. If it was me i'd be telling them they wouldn't be visiting when he was home until they could behave and I wanted them around. This is why we live 200 miles from family!!!

Honestly if they're already calling you selfish etc then I'd just tell them all to fuck off.
They obviously don't give a damn about anything, they don't care about their own children (you and your husband) and they are ignoring what their grandchilds own parents think their child needs, which is a bit of peaceful recovery time.
Basically they think their wants trumps your sons and you and your husbands needs
So sorry your little family have been through so much recently and I hope your son makes a swift recovery

I find it almost impossible to believe that relatives would do this after being asked not to. It is vaguely possible to believe that one person on one side of the family might do this - but all of these people! What can they be thinking of? As if you do not have enough to worry about.

I am so sorry that you are having to tolerate this dreadful behaviour at a time when you must be under such stress. I do hope that your little chap will be on the road to recovery soon.

Oh God OP YANBU! My sister's son has had surgery on his head and non of us visited. My sister didn't want us to so we waited till' he was out and at home.

I hope he feels better soon and forget about MIL! It's not her drama.

Absolutely stand your ground- what is right for you will be right for your ds. I second what someone up thread has said- tell them it's no visitors due to infection risk if you need more (you don't but I found it easier to put the emphasis on the medical rather than explaining my own wishes iyswim) hope he feels better soon

Go batshit at them. Then tell the lot of them, on both sides, that if they ever wish to have any kind of contact with your very sick child again they will back off and let him recover.

There are some really nasty bugs around at the moment and the last thing you need is one of them turning up with a virus (which would be mild to them but not to your ds). They sound selfish enough to turn up with coughs and colds.

YANBU. If it gets too much can you use the "infection control " reason that is very helpful in a hospital situation. Also that DS is under doctor's orders not to be fatigued or distressed by visitors and it's only parents allowed on wards. Might make it easier rather than having to have a fight about it when you want to focus on DS.

What absolute selfish bastards!!
YADNBU

So they all expect you to toss aside all advice about what's best for your child to satisfy their own grandparenting whims? Doesn't sound as though anyone apart from you / DH has the best interests of the child at heart.

Your child, your decision and they should respect that. You are both doing what you think is right for your child, you've already told them your intentions post surgery, so it isn't a shock to them!! I can understand their concern but your word that he is okay etc should be enough. Not sure visiting policies but I work in a hospital, and it's two visitors at a time, if he's upset and tired (rightly so) then who wants a stream of visitors taking it in turns?!
Hope he's well soon

Tell them all to fuck off..

Or explain that you will always pit your child's needs first.

Text back. We appreciate how difficult it is for you but please put yourselves in our position, all we are doing is following the hospital's advice. Once he's home and a bit more alert visiting won't be a problem. Please respect our role as parents and appreciate we are not trying to undermine you.

YANBU.
I understand that relatives may be worried and concerned and it would make THEM feel better to see your child, but its not about them.
I work as a hcp and parents have enough to deal with without having to worry about other family members getting upset and needing support, not to mention they often forget to remove outdoor coats and wash their hands before touching the child. Which is an infection risk. or worse they disturb and overstimulate a sore, grumpy child who just needs to be left alone with his parents to recover.

You're doing the right thing standing your ground. I would ask all the "gatecrashers" which part of your specific request (before he had the operation) for no visitors until you were back home did they a) not understand or b) think did not apply to them. Yes I would agree you should ask the ward staff to support you and help get rid of these unwanted visitors regardless of what excuses they come up with for being there. Hope the operations a success xx

How utterly appalling of them.

A very small boy is sick and needs his parents to be there for him and protect him, and they're trying to ride roughshod over what you have carefully decided is the best way for him to recover safely and gently from his horrible experience?

I hope this thread helps you to feel validated and strong in your and your husband's decision. What complete twunts they're being.

I'm inclined to second the pp who suggested blowing up at them, if any of them show up again. I'd tend towards icily mad with no raised voice, just in case anyone causes enough fuss to get security involved. Good luck, and and best wishes for you all.

Who can call you unreasonable? As next of kin you have the right to restrict visitation as you see fit. However, I don't think that family are being unreasonable as such....they are just acting instinctively as relatives do in these situations. They've heard you, agreed with you and then rationalised that your rule clearly doesn't apply to them because of course they won't be upset/need looking after/cause you stress and they will make you/your DH/your DS feel so much better, so they of course should be allowed to visit.

Thirding the icily quietly mad, telling them to piss off hissed through your teeth quietly. Your child isn't there to be paraded in front of them to meet their needs. How dare they! I would be raging OP

Yes stand your ground, they are being quite selfish I think and seem to be putting more importance on their desire to visit than your families need for calm and quiet which is so crucial right now. Take each day as it comes, keep them all informed regularly as I'm sure you are anyway but don't let anyone guilt trip you into allowing visitors until you feel it is a suitable time for all of you. I think the blanket no visitor rule is the fairest way of dealing with it and they should respect that. Wishing your DS a speedy recovery

Get the most senior nurse on side - they have lots of experience of scaring off diplomatically telling nosy self centred relatives to bog off and take their drama elsewhere

If their son had just had a serious operation they would want him to rest in an environment which limits the opportunities for infection, so they would limit visitors. They are not thinking it through,stand your ground.

My mum has just text to say she'll bring some food tomorrow for us but I don't need to worry about seeing them, she'll just drop it off and go. They live about a forty five minute drive away! She's not going to drive all that way with what will be cold food by the time she gets here to just turn away. I've replied asking her not to.

SIL has done what she does best...taken it to Facebook! Her status is very passive aggressive about now she wishes she could come and cuddle him but can't. Which has led to people asking why she can't and she has said "His mummy and daddy have said we can't. Not too sure if it's medical related or not though." DH is the calmer of the two of us and he is seething. She hasn't seen DS since June. He wants to comment saying "Well you've had months to come and see him for cuddles but you were too busy walking your dogs." But I have warned him not to engage!

Thank you all so much, I glad it's not just me being precious!

Stand your ground OP!

They are making it all about themselves which is ridiculous and selfish behaviour!They should be supporting you and your DH and asking if there's anything they can do for you not telling you what they want you to do for them!

Oh god, I remember a thread about a batshit crazy dog walking sil, if that's you OP you really have my sympathy. Let your husband comment, no one in their right mind would think parents were being unreasonable when their child has had major surgery so just do what works for your son/you/your husband.