AIBU to be raging at DP?

[IsThisEmette]

DP and I were very close to a break up not long ago.
My issues were that he's not demonstrative, he's stingy with money and emotion and he didn't prioritise me over the other things in his life.

To the point that even on my birthday last month there was a drama and that was the last straw for me- I said it was over and cut him out.

He begged me to take him back and started making changes that convinced me to give it another chance.

And he was genuinely making an effort, to give him credit. Nice meals out, attentive, romantic, etc.

But last night it all went to hell

For the first time in forever, I suggested he come over to mine and we have sex, make a nice romantic night of it.

He said he had to go for someone's leaving drinks from work. Since I know this person, he asked me to come along as well.
I declined.

Not once did he say he'd love to come over but he was obligated to go blah blah.

We normally only have sex on Saturdays when he spends the day and night at mine. I've made it clear enough times that he can come over any time he wants during the week, but he never initiates it.

So I don't feel wanted sexually. Because it seems that he's just fine to take it or leave it. And yesterday was the first time in such a long time that I made the initiative, and him being so insensitive to it feels like a rejection.

I did text him to say very honestly how I was feeling about it all. He said he'd only stay 15 mins and then come to mine.

He ended up staying there until 11 pm and it was obviously too late to come to mine.

His excuse is that this colleague is going away and he'll never see him again. And that he really wanted to spend an evening in the pleasant company of his old friends:

Now all of this is fine, I just don't understand why he couldn't communicate this better? And why couldn't he make me feel a bit more wanted in the process?

One of our major issues is how he takes ages to respond to messages- when I texted him how I felt yesterday he read it and replied 2 hours later because apparently he was busy with others.

So I have visions of him laughing and enjoying himself with people he prioritises over me while ignoring my texts and completely disregarding my feelings.

There's a lot more to our background, but too long to type.

In short, I'm feeling angry and rejected

He ended up coming to mine very late at night to tell me I was making a big deal of nothing and that I'm "always angry at him"

How old are you OP? It doesn't sound like a very grown-up, long term relationship from both your side or his.

Why did you decline the invite? Was it because you were annoyed at him for wanting to go out? If you wanted to spend time with him then why did you go? He had plans, why should he change them for you?
And why should he lie and say he is obliged to go if he actually wants to go? And I don't think him saying he wants to see his friend as he may never see him again is an ''excuse'' it's a reason!
To expect him to ask high high when U say jump is unreasonable in a committed relationship. You sound very controlling and needy.

However, he had clearly upset you previously with not doing anything for your birthday etc. Did u actually tell him/give him ideas of what you wanted to do?
I understand that you asked him over to yours for sex etc but do you always put in the effort for romantic nights? Meals out? Affectionate messages? Etc. Maybe he feels the same as you do?
Relationships are a two way street and communication is at the heart of it.

Mate, you're going to spend your entire life resentful and angry if you stay with this guy. Do yourself a favour, end it and find someone whose idea of a relationship is more like yours.

He sounds pretty flakey and inconsiderate. That shit does make you feel needy as fuck. It would make me feel that way too. But one incident shouldn't undo the fact that you say he's been better...unless theres loads of shit bubbling away below the surface.

Essentially it just sounds like you have different expectations. Sometimes loving someone isn't enough.

I think YWBU in expecting him to cancel a pre planned night out to come over and have sex with you.

That aside, if you're not happy how he treats you, split up with him and sever all ties. You sound like you'd be happier without him.

I think as a general rule you shouldn't get involved with someone who's very mean unless you are yourself.

You sound completely incompatible and he sounds pretty horrible, too. Why bother? Tell him it's over and try to find someone nicer.

I think lots of comments here are missing the point. It is not about what actually happened - mate's leaving do or sex or whatever, or thinking how we ourselves would have been more sensible. I don't think we can be judgemental and individuals would have chosen different priorities under their own circumstances. However, whatever that is, it is possible and important to make your partner feel valued, appreciated and desired. It is a skill but also a natural reflection of love and feelings. On this account, it seems to be at the end of something. Treasure the memories and move on.

Luckily, the way you're handling this relationship is guaranteed to make you appear irritating, unstable and dislikable, so you won't have to worry about it much longer. In fact, carry on as you are and you'll be free to find somebody else by the end of today.

I'm not sure OP. You made me baulk at 'nice meals out', which he was doing. What do YOU do in balance of this? When I read that, it sounded a bit too princess--like for me to give you credibility.

You were really unreasonable about his night out with a leaving colleague. It's not a 'test' but you're turning it into one heck of a competition. You will lose because he'll have enough of that behaviour before long.

I think, for both your sakes, perhaps this has run its course?

I'm not reading your posts quite as negatively as some but I think the upshot is his efforts to change are always going to be short-term because it's not who he is and you're just not compatible.

I'm sorry but you are spending too much of your life worrying over how much attention someone shows you, having to show emotions, having to show displays of affection. It sounds very tiring and needy. You do not sound like a good match so call it a day but I expect you wont as perhaps you are into drama and he is feeding it. I knew someone like you sound once and I really couldn't be bothered with it. Neither can most people who have busy lives.

Time to take up a hobby maybe?

Gotta love an AIBU - yes you are - no I'm not - thread!

I'm sure it was all very annoying. Is cooking night a night where he batch cooks. Sounds like a good idea and maybe he's someone living within his means rather than splashing out on material things and "nice meals out". I suggest you move on to another unsuspecting sucker