AIBU to be raging at DP?

[IsThisEmette]

DP and I were very close to a break up not long ago.
My issues were that he's not demonstrative, he's stingy with money and emotion and he didn't prioritise me over the other things in his life.

To the point that even on my birthday last month there was a drama and that was the last straw for me- I said it was over and cut him out.

He begged me to take him back and started making changes that convinced me to give it another chance.

And he was genuinely making an effort, to give him credit. Nice meals out, attentive, romantic, etc.

But last night it all went to hell

For the first time in forever, I suggested he come over to mine and we have sex, make a nice romantic night of it.

He said he had to go for someone's leaving drinks from work. Since I know this person, he asked me to come along as well.
I declined.

Not once did he say he'd love to come over but he was obligated to go blah blah.

We normally only have sex on Saturdays when he spends the day and night at mine. I've made it clear enough times that he can come over any time he wants during the week, but he never initiates it.

So I don't feel wanted sexually. Because it seems that he's just fine to take it or leave it. And yesterday was the first time in such a long time that I made the initiative, and him being so insensitive to it feels like a rejection.

I did text him to say very honestly how I was feeling about it all. He said he'd only stay 15 mins and then come to mine.

He ended up staying there until 11 pm and it was obviously too late to come to mine.

His excuse is that this colleague is going away and he'll never see him again. And that he really wanted to spend an evening in the pleasant company of his old friends:

Now all of this is fine, I just don't understand why he couldn't communicate this better? And why couldn't he make me feel a bit more wanted in the process?

One of our major issues is how he takes ages to respond to messages- when I texted him how I felt yesterday he read it and replied 2 hours later because apparently he was busy with others.

So I have visions of him laughing and enjoying himself with people he prioritises over me while ignoring my texts and completely disregarding my feelings.

There's a lot more to our background, but too long to type.

In short, I'm feeling angry and rejected

He ended up coming to mine very late at night to tell me I was making a big deal of nothing and that I'm "always angry at him"

Er is there a reason he always has to come to your place? Why can't you go to his?

Yes OP you do sound needy and controlling. But I suspect that's because he gives you so little that you're desperately trying to get him to give you a bit more, to feel that you are actually important in his life. And unlike others I don't think you're being unreasonable in general, even if you were about the other night.

He sounds very self centred, and if you are the sort who makes the one you love very important to you, this isn't going to work. You' can't settle for what he wants, and he isn't going to change, so I'd call time on it and find someone who shares your view of how a relationship should be. You don't sound like you want full on 24/7 togetherness, just more of a connection than you have with him.

My issue isn't that he takes Thursday's and Sunday's for himself.

My issue is that he'll happily make plans with others on those days but never with me.

So that makes me feel like others are important enough to make exceptions for and I am not.

I take the point about the genders being reversed on board completely.

If I was a man saying this, it would all go ballistic.

That was my bad

Not once did he say he'd love to come over but he was obligated to go blah blah.

His excuse is that this colleague is going away and he'll never see him again. And that he really wanted to spend an evening in the pleasant company of his old friends

Now all of this is fine, I just don't understand why he couldn't communicate this better?

It quite clearly would not have been fine for him to say how much the leaving do meant to him. You clearly expected him not to want to go. Which is highly, highly unreasonable. If this is how you expect a partner to put you first (i.e., treat an offer of sex from you as something that must be accepted over and above every other opportunity, even last-time, special ones that will never come around again) you are very high-maintenance.

It's unfortunate that he was busy the one time you suggested sex but that was not his fault. And why on earth did you choose Thursday to suggest it if you know he likes time to himself that day? It sounds like you were testing him to see how much he'd give up for you.

Maybe he doesn't like playing games, you know?

I'm a bit shocked that you think yourself in a position to judge someone else as selfish.

Poor guy. He's not a mills and boon hero and you're going to turn him into a hen-pecked misery for daring to be ordinary.

How long have you been seeing him?

Oh, and anyone who expects me to be at the beck and call of a text message can go to hell. Mobiles are a modern, unnatural thing. It's too much pressure to expect someone to be on call for you 24/7. Some people (like me) are happy to take a phonecall and then return to their own life until you next have reason to speak to them.

This is going to be a post of two halves. The first half is questioning you a little bit, the second half questioning him.

I do think you need to consider whether it's reasonably to expect someone to be at your beck and call as you are doing. I hope that doesn't sound harsh, I don't mean it as a really strong criticism. Just because you decide that tonight's the night doesn't mean that other commitments in life suddenly go away. Sometimes a compromise is needed. I think what you're doing is making every gesture more symbolic than it really is (he didn't come running to sleep with you, therefore he doesn't love you at all). Please don't do that to yourself! It's not only perilous for your self-worth but can lead to quite dangerous and controlling places, where you are continually 'testing' the other person - and however patient they are, they will get fed up! It's much healthier to think "Oh, it wasn't a good time today because of reasons outside of our control, but maybe tomorrow is worth a shot instead". Over the age of 16 or so, it's also quite normal for people to take 2 hours to get back over a text. Work is busy, and you can't just drop everything in a meeting to respond to a personal call for attention. It sounds a bit like as soon as he's not there, you go into a kind of catastrophic crisis mode, thinking that everything is going to hell - and that makes me think, in turn, that perhaps you've been abandoned or left without attention at times that have really hurt you?? Learning that not gaining someone's attention immediately doesn't mean that they don't care for you may be important.

All that said, it sounds as though you're not getting what you need from this relationship - and that you're unlikely to get it from this man. He's sort of the opposite of what you say you want: you're after someone generous, demonstrative and romantic and he's really none of those things. Now this may be a deeply-ingrained feature of his personality, or it may be that he's just not used to acting in those ways, and needs a bit of practice. Only you can decide that. I also think it's reasonably to be cheesed off that you only spend one night a week together, and that there's nothing wrong with a rather healthier sex life together! I also understand what you mean when you say you want him to initiate things more, and think that's a reasonable request.

Ultimately, a relationship that makes you feel undervalued isn't one that's worth pursuing. I completely agree with the comments of bummymummy and msstricty. I think it might be a self esteem thing, and I don't think that staying in this relationship and being the one chasing and demanding things is going to help your self esteem.

I would say you and DP are simply not compatible OP. Its hard when you love someone thats not compatible with you but it rarely works when your needs and his are so very different

x

Selfish him? You must see how utterly unreasonable you are being OP? If he's all these negative things you're claiming he is, why are you with him. Women & men both need lots of space in a relationship.
At the moment you are the relationships tree. Not him

There are faults on both sides.

He seems to want to do his own thing when it suits him and fit you around it which isnt nice but thats his personality, you really cant change it as you have discovered.

You seem to want him to be there when you call and you are being unreasonable to pick a night when you KNEW he was going out to snap your fingers and holller 'come to mine'. It was a leaving do for work colleagues, its not like its a regular thing, you were invited, you declined yet expected him not to go for more than 15 minutes just for sex? Did you txt him while he was out with your 'feelings on the matter'? Thats pretty selfish tbh.

As for the birthday, there doesnt seem to be any "drama" he just didnt do anything special, I never have done anything special on mine when been in a relationship, there are other things to prioritise. I suspect the drama was all yours as he didnt make a fuss.

You are both in the wrong and both want different things, its clear he isnt demonstrative, isnt prioratizing you but will change plans for others, thats not good. (But I dont include his work night out in this thats different)
You need someone to make you feel special and wanted, he isnt ever going to do that unless you nag him which defeats the whole point as he will just remember the nagging.

Best to end it and let you both move on to what you both want and need from a relationship.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with you. You sound like hard work, and one of those women who want their men to be psychic.

If he has a cooking night, is that because he shares a house? If so, YABVU to expect him to dump his responsibilities there to come over - his housemates will be expecting him to a) pull his weight b) provide their dinner on that night, in the same way that they do it on their nights for him. if you might want to live with him long term in the future then the fact that he respects that should be a great sign for you that he will take his household responsibilities seriously with his live-in partner too!

Is this a reverse?

OP if he only sees you regularly on Saturdays when you have sex, it looks like he's using you. He appears quite inflexible re his routines and that would drive anyone batty. Fine to have a routine but one needs to respond to competing issues in life.
It's likely he's already looking round for someone else and he'll drop you then. Get in first and get rid of him.
Good luck

The relationship isn't working and neither of you sounds happy. He also seems quite set in his ways which can be very off-putting.

However, stop and think before you dump all the blame on him. In the situation you describe, you offered for him to come over. He said he had plans (leaving drinks) but invited you along. You decided not to join him but have been nasty to him about it. Your behaviour wasn't normal and you've got your own issues to deal with here.

I agree with the previous comments.

You both seem to have different expectations of the relationship. He doesn't want too much commitment and wants to have time to do his own thing but you are craving more of him.

It sounds like a combination of selfishness on his part and neediness on yours. That won't work out.

He can't and won't really change. Don't expect him to.

YABU to expect him to change his plans just because you say so. The fact he didn't on that occasion alone certainly doesn't make him selfish.

I think you need to break this relationship off and get some perspective about what a healthy relationship would look like for you.

Your sound very possessive, controlling and mercenary. No wonder he's pulling away.

You seem to want everything on your terms and if he's not spending money on you it's not good enough.

My issue isn't that he takes Thursday's and Sunday's for himself.

My issue is that he'll happily make plans with others on those days but never with me.

So that makes me feel like others are important enough to make exceptions for and I am not.

You say this and also that he doesn't like going out or spending any money whatsoever on you.

I won't address your potentially unreasonable demands because I think it clouds the issue I'm seeing.

I had a relationship with a (very immature and selfish) man who wanted to stay at mine all the time he was visiting me and not go out (be seen by people he might know), hated holding my hand in public for the same reason, wouldn't offer to pay for anything ever despite being utterly rolling in money, basically kept up the illusion that we were in a relationship because I was a convenient source of sex. This seems not to be the case with your DP (the convenient source of sex... though maybe he is happy only using that source on a Saturday). Even so, it's still similar. I'm not sure what about your situation you can really call a relationship, from what you describe. Wanting it to be more and calling it a relationship doesn't make it so.

I'd be pretty pissed off if my DP ignored my birthday and refused to buy me a coffee.

Agree about the text message though, he doesn't have to respond immediately and 2 hours is pretty good.

I think you have to either accept this is how he is, give him some space, stop initiating meetings and see if he actually arranges to see you or you leave him.

Is it just Saturday nights you see him or during the day too? If it is just the night this would piss me off as its not really a relationship.

You sound really high-maintenance. You'll only push him away further if you carry on like this.

The act itself - wanting to spend time with a departing colleague - is not an unforgivable crime. However, I guess it is about how it was dealt with and communicated to you. He could have done just the same, meanwhile making you feel cherished and desired. As such, if this is something that bothers you a lot, imho, it will not go away and as a result you will risk becoming cold and distant over and over again. So - it is easily said then done (as I have been there before myself) - end it.

I'd be pretty pissed off if my DP ignored my birthday and refused to buy me a coffee.

I don't get the impression that is what is happening though. It sounds like the OP was expecting her DP to make a fuss of her birthday, which he didn't - he didn't ignore it. And neither did he "refuse" to buy her a coffee, but simply didn't offer to pay.

Reading between the lines of the OP, I get the impression that the OP has a lot of unspoken expectations from the relationship and the DP is more laid back and doesn't realise these.

I think OP is high maintenance and DP is low maintenance, as a personality thing. (Not a judgement at all)
Neither person can change significantly so it just won't work out.

You come across as perhaps being a little needy and controlling. He may well be selfish and not put you first. Whatever the rights and wrongs of it are, what comes across very clearly is that you do not appear to be compatible.

Move on.

No he doesn't have cooking night because it's a houseshare. It's his own flat.

He has cooking night because he hates spending money.

And like I said, I wouldn't have cared if he'd said oh I'm cooking I can't come to yours today.

The fact that he said- he can make the exception and time for other randoms and not me, that's what bothered me

But anyway, despite explaining his selfish background and admitting I was unreasonable yesterday, it seems that I'll still be bashed and abused on here