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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be raging at DP?

110 replies

IsThisEmette · 28/10/2016 11:53

DP and I were very close to a break up not long ago.
My issues were that he's not demonstrative, he's stingy with money and emotion and he didn't prioritise me over the other things in his life.

To the point that even on my birthday last month there was a drama and that was the last straw for me- I said it was over and cut him out.

He begged me to take him back and started making changes that convinced me to give it another chance.

And he was genuinely making an effort, to give him credit. Nice meals out, attentive, romantic, etc.

But last night it all went to hell

For the first time in forever, I suggested he come over to mine and we have sex, make a nice romantic night of it.

He said he had to go for someone's leaving drinks from work. Since I know this person, he asked me to come along as well.
I declined.

Not once did he say he'd love to come over but he was obligated to go blah blah.

We normally only have sex on Saturdays when he spends the day and night at mine. I've made it clear enough times that he can come over any time he wants during the week, but he never initiates it.

So I don't feel wanted sexually. Because it seems that he's just fine to take it or leave it. And yesterday was the first time in such a long time that I made the initiative, and him being so insensitive to it feels like a rejection.

I did text him to say very honestly how I was feeling about it all. He said he'd only stay 15 mins and then come to mine.

He ended up staying there until 11 pm and it was obviously too late to come to mine.

His excuse is that this colleague is going away and he'll never see him again. And that he really wanted to spend an evening in the pleasant company of his old friends:

Now all of this is fine, I just don't understand why he couldn't communicate this better? And why couldn't he make me feel a bit more wanted in the process?

One of our major issues is how he takes ages to respond to messages- when I texted him how I felt yesterday he read it and replied 2 hours later because apparently he was busy with others.

So I have visions of him laughing and enjoying himself with people he prioritises over me while ignoring my texts and completely disregarding my feelings.

There's a lot more to our background, but too long to type.

In short, I'm feeling angry and rejected

He ended up coming to mine very late at night to tell me I was making a big deal of nothing and that I'm "always angry at him"

OP posts:
NoFuchsGiven · 28/10/2016 12:21

For example, he will NEVER come over to my place on a Thursday no matter what because it's his cooking night. Likewise he will NEVER make a plan with me for Sunday because that's his day for errands.

Don't you see that there is nothing wrong with that AT ALL?

dp and I live together but he goes out every tuesday and thursday, weekly, without fail. I would dream of asking him not to or plan something on those days. There is 5 other days in the week for plans as a couple.

WorraLiberty · 28/10/2016 12:21

Best to dump him and move on then.

wysiwyg16 · 28/10/2016 12:21

I agree with the others I'm afraid, unless this is a drip feed and you're going to tell us about all the other ways he's a terrible partner.

To text someone a long, heartfelt message with your frustrations and concerns when they are out drinking, in a social situation, with friends, is not going to result in the reply you want, when you want it and it's a bit foolish of you to think it will. That's in no way him prioritising friends and drinking over you, it's his head being one step removed from the situation you're in.

I understand why you might be feeling rejected, but looking at both sides, I think it was a bit daft to expect him to abandon his plans in order to rush to your side and have sex.

myownprivateidaho · 28/10/2016 12:21

Chill. How long have you been with this guy? How old are you? It's hard but the relationship is going to go nowhere if he is withdrawn and you are demanding. Just call it a day. Very hard to do and you'll feel rubbish for a good while. But might actually be good to work through a heartbreak and work up some resilience and self sufficiency.

Cackleberry4 · 28/10/2016 12:24

Is there a reason for all this rigorous scheduling? If you only see him on. Saturday it sounds more like a friends with benefits arrangement rather than a relationship!

HolgerDanske · 28/10/2016 12:25

Yeah sorry, I agree that it sounds as if you're the one who has a bit of an issue with being needy and high maintenance.

Notonthestairs · 28/10/2016 12:25

I agree with everything else that has been said.
I'd add you cant change someone so please dont try - it just makes people feel miserable and like a failure for not meeting your very high expectations. Either change they way you look at his behaviour - for example he wanted me to come out with his friends rather than he prioritised them over me and we spend most weekends together which leaves me free to do my own thing mid week - or move on.

badtime · 28/10/2016 12:26

It doesn't really sound like you make him 'a first priority', although I believe that you think you do.

If you did make him a priority, part of this would be recognising that he has the right to have his own life, and that this won't (and frankly, shouldn't) always involve you.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/10/2016 12:27

IsThis - do you think that last night's problem was a blip in an otherwise improving situation, or a sign that he's going back to his old ways?

We are all human, and whatever the behaviour we are trying to improve, we can all have slip-ups - a packet of biscuits that blight the diet today, but we go back to healthy eating tomorrow, for example. Or someone who learns to control their temper much better than they used to, but can still lose it sometimes - and is sorry for doing so, and tries harder from then on.

If the general trend is upwards, improving, and this is a small slip up, then perhaps you need to look at the bigger picture and see that overall, things are improving. But if this is him going back to his old ways, then you need to decide if you want to put up with that.

I hope that makes sense. I know what I am trying to say, but my brain is fuzzy with lack of sleep, and I am rather hard of thinking today - sorry.

NoCapes · 28/10/2016 12:28

Can you imagine if a woman was on here saying she had a night out planned but her boyfriend wanted her to go round and had sex with him, and is now in a mood because she said no Hmm

Trifleorbust · 28/10/2016 12:28

I think taken in isolation, you might be seen as needy and unreasonable. But it depends on how long you have been together, on the level of commitment and seriousness you are looking for and his behaviour over time. It sounds to me like you have been feeling like he doesn't put you first for a long time, and that's not a great way to feel.

DistanceCall · 28/10/2016 12:30

He hasn't done anything wrong. You say:

When I love someone, I always try and make them feel important and loved above others

You sound extremely insecure. You don't have to try and make your partner feel "important" and "loved above others" - if things go well, it's a natural thing.

And loving as your partner someone isn't incompatible with loving other people - if you have to keep showing how much more you love your partner than everyone else, it's really really not a good sign.

You say that he can be "a good boyfriend". You shouldn't want a generic good boyfriend, you should love the person you are with. It doesn't sound like you actually like him very much.

WorraLiberty · 28/10/2016 12:30

I wouldn't tolerate a partner who made me feel second best. But then I also prefer the company of my partner over my work colleagues and I would never chose randoms I am forced to work with over someone I love.

So if you told a work colleague you'd go for drinks with them and your DP ordered you to drop your knickers, you'd ditch your colleague and go running?

Crystal15 · 28/10/2016 12:32

I agree you sound hard work and precious. You want him to pander to your every whim it's bizzare.

BolshierAryaStark · 28/10/2016 12:33

If you were friends before a couple how did you not notice his shit qualities?
Regardless, I do think you sound pretty hard going-seriously tell me you didn't actually plan sex into last night? It should be fun & relaxed not planned into the evening!
You know you aren't compatible, stop wasting your time & his & call it a day.

BummyMummy77 · 28/10/2016 12:33

I used to be like you op. Never ended well. The more you try and control someone the further away you'll push them.

Not saying this to be unkind but from experience- I strongly advise you to be single for a while and get to feeling happy and confident by yourself without needing anyone else to validate you.

Flowers
Notonthestairs · 28/10/2016 12:34

If you know he likes his Thursdays and Sundays to himself (or to spend with other people) then you can plan other stuff for yourself - make it work for you. You must have mates you havent seen for a while or interests you'd like to keep up. Relationships need space - I love it when my DH goes out because he comes back with news (and gossip, I am a nosy old bag). And I go out a lot without him. It makes life more interesting.

MsStricty · 28/10/2016 12:34

So, basically, OP, you want him to change - to be someone he isn't. And you want him to do this for you.

That's not a healthy relationship.

SpaceUnicorn · 28/10/2016 12:35

You both have completely different expectations about is and isn't ok in a relationship: you sound like you need a lot of attention, he sounds like he likes a lot of separate time.

It's unlikely that either of you will change (and, indeed, why should either of you change? He's tried to do things the way you like, but couldn't sustain it over the long term ).

You're fundamentally incompatible, and it doesn't seem that you'll be happy with a compromise.

Are you 'in love' with one another? It comes across as more a relationship based on habit than a relationship based on love.

Seekingadvice123 · 28/10/2016 12:35

Text book drip feed.
I can understand that you may be feeling rejected but he had a prior commitment. He clearly leads a busy life where he fits you in where he can. There is little spontaneity. IMO the r'ship is unworkable. He tried to change but it still sounds like you want to be numero uno most of the time right down to how he communicates to you when telling you he can't see you. That in itself sounds needy and stifling. He's just not that into you is he...... what do you want to do about it?

myownprivateidaho · 28/10/2016 12:36

To be fair, he might be deliberately pushing your buttons a bit with his laid back act. Saying he won't ever see you on a Sunday because of errands is a bit of a dick move. But either way sounds like the relationship has run its course.

MsStricty · 28/10/2016 12:37

It's also not a healthy inner relationship, i.e. needing someone to change to feel loved and validated and secure.

No-one can do that for you.

The paradox is that if you continue to believe they can, you'll continue to choose partners who mirror your own self-abandonment.

SpaceUnicorn · 28/10/2016 12:39

Can you imagine if a woman was on here saying she had a night out planned but her boyfriend wanted her to go round and had sex with him, and is now in a mood because she said no

It would be (rightly) sinister as hell

"And yesterday was the first time in such a long time that I made the initiative, and him being so insensitive to it feels like a rejection."
Maybe I'm reading between the lines here, but were you expecting him to drop his existing plans and gratefully rush round because you'd deigned to 'initiate' sex? If this is a game you play a lot, then I'd guess he's tired of it.

slenderisthenight · 28/10/2016 12:39

YABU

FlapsTie · 28/10/2016 12:39

When I met DH he was very upfront about the fact he went to the gym three nights a week, liked to see his mates on a Friday night and often had gigs on a weekend.

As our relationship progressed he dropped the nights out, when we had ds he stopped going to the gym and started doing weights at home. Now, after ten years, he still gigs most weekends, goes to a martial arts class twice a week, and practices music and trains at home every afternoon (he finishes work at 3.30). He doesn't take his phone to gigs or classes and I wouldn't expect him to.

It's normal and healthy to have interests outside the relationship. I've never felt that he doesn't prioritise me, he treats me like a princess. But he has his own hobbies that don't include me and that's just fine.

I think your expectations are skewed.