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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to be upset partner didn't want to sit next to?

78 replies

Andrewsgirl · 28/10/2016 06:22

Partner's birthday yesterday and I'd organised a dinner party, had put so much effort into cooking what he wanted, everything was made home made and I'd spent hours organising and cooking etc to make him feel special. Anyway came to sitting down and people asked where to sit and he said 'sit anywhere just not next to partners' This really hurt me, it was his birthday and not only did I want to sit next him but I wanted him to want to sit next to me for his birthday dinner. it wouldn't have hurt so much if he'd just said 'sit anywhere' but the fact he specifically said not next partners has really hurt me and I feel really sad about it. He thinks I'm being completely unreasonable for to have hurt me and told me I'm
conpletely neurotic.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 28/10/2016 06:24

Did you ask why he didn't want partners near each other?

Twooter · 28/10/2016 06:26

Yabu. Whenever I've been to dinner with a large group of friends, we never sit next to partners.

Original poster
Andrewsgirl · 28/10/2016 06:27

Yes and he said its normal so everyone can talk to other people and I'm being neurotic because it upset me. I just wanted to share the evening with him (it was a large table and I didn't want to sit at opposite ends of it from him)

OP posts:
Original poster
Andrewsgirl · 28/10/2016 06:30

If it was a normal dinner party it wouldn't have upset, it was the fact it was his birthday. I guess also because I know if it was my birthday the person I'd want to be sat next to me would be him. I felt like I hardly saw him all night.

OP posts:
ConvincingLiar · 28/10/2016 06:30

So why did you organise him a dinner party?! Yabu

Thisjustinno · 28/10/2016 06:35

It is common that people are seated like that. It means everyone makes an effort to speak to other people and you don't have couples just having cosy chats. That's why it's a dinner party!.

He sees you every day. Or if you don't live together he sees you more often than the other people at the party and he wanted to spend his birthday catching up.

Redken24 · 28/10/2016 06:37

have u been together long?

Original poster
Andrewsgirl · 28/10/2016 06:40

sorry I guess you're all right and the reason I feel so upset about him not wanting to sit next to me are issues deeper than this. Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Andrewsgirl · 28/10/2016 06:41

No we haven't been together long, just over a year and we don't live together.

OP posts:
Misselthwaite · 28/10/2016 06:41

I think its odd OP and would have been hurt too. I think him calling you neurotic isn't very nice either, he could have just explained his reasoning and then said sorry that he'd unintentionally hurt you.

blueskyinmarch · 28/10/2016 06:42

If I had lots of friends round for dinner I would rather sit next to them than my DH that I see every day. Sounds very normal to me.

Original poster
Andrewsgirl · 28/10/2016 06:43

Sorry I should have mentioned, I don't see him everyday and we don't live together yet.

OP posts:
DramaInPyjamas · 28/10/2016 06:45

This is normal at dinner parties, but surely you could have still spoken to each other across the table ?

DialMforMummy · 28/10/2016 06:45

I think YABU and overly possessive.

Cel982 · 28/10/2016 06:46

You seem to be taking very personally what was a general statement to a group of people. It's tradition at a formal dinner that you don't sit next to your partner (look at any episode of Downton!). Your partner was just following that 'rule', he wasn't expressing a personal desire not to sit beside you.

Bertucci · 28/10/2016 06:48

We would never sit together at a dinner party.

Redken24 · 28/10/2016 06:49

Is he normally like that?
was he grateful for your efforts?
calling you names aint nice

buttercup15 · 28/10/2016 06:51

I do think it was a hurtful way to express it, even if it is common at dinner parties. Especially saying it in that way in front of other people.

I also think it would have been different if they were out at a restaurant but seems like a bit of a slap in the face considering the OP had gone to all the effort of cooking and laying on a nice dinner for everyone. I agree he should apologise for upsetting you.

Mindtrope · 28/10/2016 06:53

It's normal procedure at formal dinner parties to seat couples apart.

Perhaps your boyfriend was thinking of this?

BubbleGumBubble · 28/10/2016 06:56

Sorry that it has upset you but it really is quite normal at dinner parties to not sit next to your partner.
As others have said it is to encourage conversation.

Are there other things happening in the relationship that are making you feel insecure?

ageingrunner · 28/10/2016 06:58

Calling you neurotic is a bad sign I think. It's not something that usually gets applied to men. It seems to be used to make women feel that their upset is invalid.
It is odd to say where you like just not next to partners.

Bruce02 · 28/10/2016 07:00

I think it's normal and a good idea. Dinner parties are for socialising and mingling and it's a good reason to do it.

I don't think he expressed it in a bad way either. He just said it.

The name calling isn't nice.

Does he call you names a lot? Does he feel you act possessive quite a lot?

Without knowing what the further issues are it's difficult to say who is being unreasonable.

BigGreenOlives · 28/10/2016 07:10

You could have sat diagonally opposite him in the middle of the table. Next time you have a dinner party why don't you do the seating plan before everyone arrives? Then you can discuss it without an audience.

waitingforsomething · 28/10/2016 07:15

yabu. that's the norm at dinner parties.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 28/10/2016 07:19

It'a not name calling to call someone neurotic if they are indeed being a bit neurotic.

He could have put it nicer and been more grateful and empathetic - but humans aren't always like that.

I get why you are put out, op, but you could have made sure you sat near enough to him for a conversation. If you wanted to (and this is a totally legitimate wish if you live apart!) stare lovingly at him and stroke his knee and watch every expression crossing his face, you shouldn't have organised a dinner party. As people said, it's a normal rule for dinner events but I consider it a bit brutal for a home-based dinner party.