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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - to be upset partner didn't want to sit next to?

78 replies

Andrewsgirl · 28/10/2016 06:22

Partner's birthday yesterday and I'd organised a dinner party, had put so much effort into cooking what he wanted, everything was made home made and I'd spent hours organising and cooking etc to make him feel special. Anyway came to sitting down and people asked where to sit and he said 'sit anywhere just not next to partners' This really hurt me, it was his birthday and not only did I want to sit next him but I wanted him to want to sit next to me for his birthday dinner. it wouldn't have hurt so much if he'd just said 'sit anywhere' but the fact he specifically said not next partners has really hurt me and I feel really sad about it. He thinks I'm being completely unreasonable for to have hurt me and told me I'm
conpletely neurotic.

OP posts:

ConvincingLiar · 28/10/2016 07:28

It's a bit selfish to cause an argument about him having what he wants on his birthday. If you wanted a dinner for two, you should have organised that.

zzzzz · 28/10/2016 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maraschinocherry · 28/10/2016 07:32

I thought you only sat next to your partner the first year after your wedding. I have never been sat next to mine on any other occasion, casual or formal.

It sounds like a sad situation if you end up being so upset. With family and friends, you could have just told him in a laughing way "Oh no, it's your birthday I want to sit with you" and everybody else would have laughed too. If this is among a long list of occasions you have been left feeling sad or ignored, you do have a problem with him.

Abraiid2 · 28/10/2016 07:45

Normal dinner etiquette not to sit next to partners.

Sciurus83 · 28/10/2016 07:51

YABU I'm afraid as other posters have suggested this is normal. Once you have been together a while having someone new to talk to for the evening is great! Go out for a meal just the two of you for one on one time, parties is parties and that's a different ball game!

NataliaOsipova · 28/10/2016 07:53

Agree with others - if it's formal, then partners wouldn't sit together. I'd say he was just stating the usual rule rather than saying he didn't want to sit next to you specifically, if you see what I mean.

springydaffs · 28/10/2016 07:55

It's not about etiquette. It's about op was HURT and he called her neurotic for being hurt.

Not nice. I don't much like the sound of him.

Note to yourself: don't make someone a priority who makes you an option. Just saying.

Lunar1 · 28/10/2016 08:01

It would have been really odd to sit together at a dinner party. It sounds like he may be seeing this as a relationship and you are still at the dating stage.

Mindtrope · 28/10/2016 08:07

springy we were not party to that conversation/argument.

I agree it's an insulting phrase, but what about context. OP's boyfriend probably thought he was being an attentive host, only to find daggers being thrown at him during dinner ( maybe) then tearful accusations after guests leave. Maybe leaving him reeling as to what he had done wrong. Feeling he has a bunny boiler on his hands perhaps, all because he dared to instigate a formal piece of social etiquette.

Crispsheets · 28/10/2016 08:11

Op says there are deeper issues.
Are you more into him than he is to you?

Crispsheets · 28/10/2016 08:13

You also sound a bit martyr like...hours spending cooking and organising.

Goingtobeawesome · 28/10/2016 08:17

You need to remember you're not joined at the hip. You've had another thread where you really need to get your own identity. You're not just his girlfriend..

Mix56 · 28/10/2016 08:19

Isn't this about feeling unloved & insecure?
Wouldn't you being at the other end of the table being hostess, happy enjoying yourself & holding the ropes more attractive with him admiring your efforts, & catching your eye occasionally with a smile enough ?
People do not sit next to their partners at dinner parties. the hosts usually sit at opposite ends of the table & attend to their guests, keeping people fed, watered & making sure no one is left out.
This was HIS evening, he was happy to see all his guests.
I know it's lots of work, but the only point where you should be doubting him, is if he just fucked off to bed afterwards without any help, or a kiss & loving thanks. It looks after all the effort you made you spoiled it.
Without being unkind, I think you're lack of confidence sounds neurotic.

ZoeTurtle · 28/10/2016 08:20

I get why you're upset, but I hope this thread has made you see that he won't have done it because he didn't want to sit next to you. I hope you managed to enjoy the meal!

SheldonCRules · 28/10/2016 08:26

YABU, his birthday his choice. You sound very clingy and possessive, maybe he's just not into you like you are into him. Your user name says a lot.

LyndaNotLinda · 28/10/2016 08:29

Please tell me your partner isn't called Andrew

Strongmummy · 28/10/2016 08:30

My first thought was, "how old are you, 5?" However and as you've said, there are deeper issues here and they're the reason you're so upset. I assume you have concerns about his commitment to the relationship. Make sure you do what's best for you x

ladyformation · 28/10/2016 08:34

Agree with nearly everyone else - this is completely standard.

Also agree with Maraschino though - it sounds like there might be a bigger problem here if you didn't feel able to simply say "oi birthday boy, I know it's against the rules but I'm sitting next to you tonight" and do it. And for you to get so upset about something really normal and minor - feels like there's more to this.

Original poster

Andrewsgirl · 28/10/2016 08:38

No his name is not Andrew.
Yes there are deeper issues and that's why what he said upset me so much. Also because of comments he'd made before about a friend at a dinner party who said she didn't care where she sat as long as it wasn't next to her husband and he'd commented how sad that was that she felt like that and didn't want to sit next to her husband. And yes this is probably all about my fear or the reality that I'm more into him than he is to me.

OP posts:

harshbuttrue1980 · 28/10/2016 08:38

You sound like hard work. At a dinner party there are lots of people, usually including some single people who have come alone. It would be bad manners for everyone to be sat next to their partners whispering sweet nothings in their ears. The point of a dinner party is that everyone mixes. When the guests have gone home, presumably the two of you have some time alone. Don't be so needy or you'll drive him away.

JennyHolzersGhost · 28/10/2016 08:40

OP - is it because you haven't been together that long and don't live together and so for you the dinner party was an important moment in the evolution of your relationship, in your eyes? You cooking for his friends being a statement of your relatively new status together ?
If that's how you felt beforehand I can understand that it was disappointing that he chose not to sit with you - if you're not familiar with formal dining rules.

I wouldn't make a fuss about it though - it doesn't sound as though he intended to hurt you, it sounds accidental.

timelytess · 28/10/2016 08:43

What have you learned from this experience?
That no matter how hard you try, he doesn't give you the response you need from him.
(And if you aren't even living together but he insists on people not sitting with partners, he's not that keen, is he?)
So what now?

Only1scoop · 28/10/2016 08:50

How dare he call you 'neurotic' especially after so much effort.
Was going to say you were being slightly sensitive about the seating stuff, but to be honest 'not next to partners' makes it sound pretty rude. Bad choice of words from him but I suspect you have other concerns about him.

leaveittothediva · 28/10/2016 08:50

I wonder is he getting the impression that you are a bit needy it clingy. I couldn't cope with that to be honest. I'm not saying you are, but it was a dinner party and his birthday. Don't you like the people that came.? Or maybe you wanted to sit with him because you didn't know them well. I think you need to sort out other issues. You felt hurt, so he called you neurotic, that's a bit harsh. A year together, wow, that doesn't bode well.

Mix56 · 28/10/2016 08:50

Yes, it sounds like hard work. Finding the "right " person isn't supposed to make you unhappy.

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