Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

AIBU - to be upset partner didn't want to sit next to?

78 replies

Andrewsgirl · 28/10/2016 06:22

Partner's birthday yesterday and I'd organised a dinner party, had put so much effort into cooking what he wanted, everything was made home made and I'd spent hours organising and cooking etc to make him feel special. Anyway came to sitting down and people asked where to sit and he said 'sit anywhere just not next to partners' This really hurt me, it was his birthday and not only did I want to sit next him but I wanted him to want to sit next to me for his birthday dinner. it wouldn't have hurt so much if he'd just said 'sit anywhere' but the fact he specifically said not next partners has really hurt me and I feel really sad about it. He thinks I'm being completely unreasonable for to have hurt me and told me I'm
conpletely neurotic.

OP posts:

LyndaNotLinda · 28/10/2016 08:53

You poor thing, this all sounds like a miserable relationship for you :(

It is good manners for the hosts at dinner parties not to sit next to one another but, that aside, it sounds like this issue is just symbolic of much deeper issues.

Honestly, if you're miserable and second-guessing his feelings for you at this point in the relationship, then I'd cut your losses. Beautiful home-cooked meals isn't going to make him love you like he should love you I'm afraid. It sucks - I know, I've been there.

pregnantat50 · 28/10/2016 08:54

Also because of comments he'd made before about a friend at a dinner party who said she didn't care where she sat as long as it wasn't next to her husband and he'd commented how sad that was that she felt like that and didn't want to sit next to her husband.

The fact he said that to you makes me wonder if he deliberately likes to provoke a reaction. He thought it was sad when a friend did this to her husband yet he it was OK to do this to you. So basically he tested your reaction when he told you about the other incident and I presume you agreed it was sad and yet he did the same to you = as you say this goes deeper than just a seating arrangement (which as others have said is normal at a formal party)

Greyponcho · 28/10/2016 08:55

Was he at least appreciative of your efforts?
HWBU to say you're neurotic, but not BU to say sit apart for the reasons others have given above.
If he didn't appreciate your time and hard work I'd suggest you reevaluate your relationship LTB

Only1scoop · 28/10/2016 08:58

Pregnant ....must say that crossed my mind to

ItsJustNotRight · 28/10/2016 08:59

This doesn't bode well for the long term if that's what you are hoping for. It's the accepted thing that you don't sit next to your partner. Him calling you neurotic just means he thinks you're reading far too much into it, he doesn't see it as a problem. Birthday threads are on MN all the time with people getting upset over x,y & z. Usually they all boil down to one party's expectations not being met but it is nearly always the case that they haven't shared those expectations with the other/s, so they are expected to be mind readers and play out the scenario exactly to plan without ever having been shown the script. Communication is what it comes down to and making your expectations clear. if it's really important to you that x happens then you need to tell them that x is what you want.

Squeegle · 28/10/2016 09:00

What is he like with you normally? I agree it's normal for couples to sit apart, but sounds like there are other signs he is not that keen. If so..... don't be a martyr and chase him, set him free..... nobody needs to be called neurotic by someone who is supposed to care about them

pregnantat50 · 28/10/2016 09:06

I wonder if instead of reacting to the situation, you had just enjoyed yourself and not said a word he would have been miffed. I still think this was some sort of mind game on his part.

If he calls you neurotic or something similar again my response would be:
"I agree, I dont like the way this relationship makes me feel I think we need some space to consider if we are compatible"....this may seem an extreme response but to be honest it does look like you are both on a different page and my hunch is he is playing games and enjoys the reactions. Regardless of whether this seating issue was the right thing to do or not, the fact it hurt you is relevant, and I am sure he knew he hurt you, thats what would bother me more.

Eliza22 · 28/10/2016 09:07

I wouldn't have liked that. YANBU

tofutti · 28/10/2016 09:14

What are the deeper issues OP?

I think YANBU actually. As you organised the dinner you should have been able to decide where people sit.

JustHappy3 · 28/10/2016 09:14

If this was me and DH then i wouldn't think twice about what was said BUT
A) We'd have put joint effort into this kind of party. There's something about him telling you what he wanted and you slaving away for hours and then him airily taking ownership that i find disquieting.
b) For everyone going on about following etiquette then surely it would be OP who was in charge of the seating arrangements.
C) If i'd unintentionally done something to upset DH i'd be mortified because i love him. I wouldn't be defensively calling him names like neurotic.
D) But equally i have always felt so comfortable with DH i'd have had no problem immediately saying "nah - wanna sit with birthday boy" without it being an issue.
It feels like you are having to mould who you really are to please this critical man. I think you deserve better. Please do some stuff to work on your self esteem.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 28/10/2016 09:18

Yes, it's the done thing at dinner parties OP.
Was it your first one ?
I'm sure he appreciated everything you did though, try not to be too clingy, after all, he was sat at the same table. Relax 💐

Ifitquackslikeaduck · 28/10/2016 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pregnantat50 · 28/10/2016 09:34

Or it could just be that he thought he'd separate them as he knows they might cause a scene or was just trying to be nice to her? - I would agree except he said he thought it was sad she didnt want to sit with her husband and then does the same to his girlfriend knowing how sad it was

VestalVirgin · 28/10/2016 09:40

As others said, the not seating next to partner is traditional etiquette. But calling you neurotic when you felt hurt by it? Nope.

Normal and decent reaction would have been to explain that it's an etiquette thing and that he's sorry it hurt you.
Now, I don't know what exactly was said, but if his immediate reaction to you being hurt was to call you neurotic, that's a red flag

If you insisted that it has never been traditional to not seat people next to their partners, and yelled at him, then I might understand that sort of reaction, but ... it doesn't look like that.

kmc1111 · 28/10/2016 09:49

I think there's a big difference between a host following standard etiquette and making sure everyone's split up so there's a better chance of conversation, and someone going out of their way to specifically ask to be seating anywhere but near their husband.

Not sitting with partners at a dinner party is normal, and hosts facilitating that is normal. Being so desperate not to sit with your partner you make a point of asking to be seated next to anyone else is sad. If OP's partner had announced to guests that they could sit anywhere so long as he wasn't stuck next to OP that would be sad, but what he did was just standard hosting.

BakeOffBiscuits · 28/10/2016 09:49

Did he thank you for the dinner party?

I must say, it sounds like other things are going on.

pregnantat50 · 28/10/2016 09:52

Did he help you clear up at the end of the party?

viques · 28/10/2016 09:53

I think in the kindest possible way you are being neurotic about this, and since you clearly brought it up after all the guests had left, he probably felt very annoyed that you chose to raise the topic and discuss it on the last part of his birthday, making the birthday dinner about you and your feelings,not about him and celebrating his birthday.

If he had turned up late, or forgotten about the dinner, criticised the food, thrown it about, or refused to eat it, or got outrageously drunk and groped your best friend then I could understand you getting angry. but he did none of those things(I hope) , he just wanted your friends to mingle and talk to each other, which is what a dinner party is about.

you did a lovely thing for him, which I am sure he enjoyed, right up until you started to make him feel guilty.

SeaCabbage · 28/10/2016 09:59

It does sound as though you are very insecure about this relationship.

But also, maybe you were just exhausted after putting so much effort into the dinner party. Sometimes people can put so much work into something like that that they are too tired to enjoy it. Sometimes a few shortcuts works better.

I hope you can sort things out with your boyfriend. What's he normally like?

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 28/10/2016 10:00

Hmmm, yes, there must surely be other things going on because your reaction to this is not normal. However if those "other things" are just as innocuous as the examples you've given, I'm afraid the issues may be more yours than his.

Babylove2015 · 28/10/2016 10:40

Aww I totally get you OP. It's your first year, so full of love. And it's his birthday and you want to spend it with HIM. I think it was rude how he spoke to you after all that effort. He could have worded it with more sensitivity.

We don't do dinner parties but I have always been seated beside DH. DH is the type that felt uncomfortable attending work dos where partners aren't invited. He is very devoted to me. However, despite always being seated together, if we are with friends. His foccus will be on them for the night. And at the start of the relationship I was put out, feeling I was being ignored, but it's really just how you get, around people you enjoy seeing. I do the same to him, it is just a natural thing. Once you have moved in together, perhaps got married. You will see him that much, it will be a blessing others have taken him off your hands for a few hours.haha

GirlOverboard · 28/10/2016 10:55

I think he was perfectly justified in calling you neurotic. And I notice you've skipped the bit leading up to him saying that (because it makes you look bad?). If my DP was being so clingy and possessive and starting arguments on my birthday I'd be seriously pissed off. I think he was being very restrained in his choice of words.

BooeyBubbleHead · 28/10/2016 11:22

I've never heard of the "not sitting next to partners" etiquette - you learn something new every day! My DH & I normally sit together or opposite each other. It has never stopped us socialising with everyone else at the table, but we tend to socialise in fairly small groups to be fair.

You told him you were hurt, which was the right thing to do - burying feelings of hurt only leads to resentment. Unfortunately he responded to your honesty by calling you neurotic, which then heaped on more hurt and I think he could have handled this better - explaining the etiquette and reassuring you.

Was he otherwise attentive on the evening? Did he thank you or compliment you on the meal? Did he still spend time with you?

BooeyBubbleHead · 28/10/2016 11:37

Whether YABU would also depend on how you broached it with him...

TheNaze73 · 28/10/2016 12:03

YABU. I've never been to a dinner party & sat next to a partner.

Why are people calling him hard work? I don't get that

Flip

1 2 3 4