To ask if having a baby changed your life for the better?

[Maxwellthecat]

So me and DH have a lovely life, I run a business and though I don't make piles of money I have worked hard to get to a point where we don't worry about paying all our bills, mortgage and having some left over at the end of the month any more. I've worked flat out for as long as I can remember and now we're finally able to slow down, I finally have the most lovely work-life balance. My husband and I don't have expensive tastes, we live in the north in a small house that we were lucky enough to be able to buy thanks to his parents, neither of us are into flashy cars or designer clothes, the only thing we spend a lot of money on is food.
My husband has a decent marketing job that doesn't fulfill him intellectually but is steady with good pay and he only works 9-5, never on the weekends and is pretty much stress free, which means he has a lot of creative energy left for his real passion writing sci-if novels in his spare time. The plan is to eventually for him to go to part-time so he can do more of this.
Both me and my husband have suffered from mental health issues in the past and we both need lots of rest, self care, patience and space. We've both worked hard on our issues and have finally found a routine that works, my husband is not good with change of plan or mess or noise (he's not been diagnosed but I'm pretty sure he's on the spectrum).
If we were to have a baby it would be like starting from scratch again, my job is physical so I would have to give up a lot of it (especially in the early days) and though we are fine financially for the two of us with a baby we'd definitely have to earn more money which would mean one of us would have to take on more stress and DH wouldn't be able to go part time.
I am really conflicted because I've always seen children in my future but it's always been 'in a few years' but now I'm there I don't want to rock the boat and risk what we've worked so hard for.
On the other hand I don't want to miss out simply because I was scared.
Do you think children always make your life better?
I'm not asking if you love your children, obviously you do and that's not in debate but objectively on a day to day basis are you happier? Is your life more fulfilled??

Whatever is decided it needs to be a joint decision. Your DH will need to understand and accept that writing will take a backseat. Calm and quiet time will be severely limited and by the time it is quiet you'll be too tired to do anything anyway.
If you decide to go ahead with having a baby don't try and shoulder new parenthood alone and protect him from the changes - to survive you need to embrace it together.

It's hard work, gets a bit easier when they are at school but then you have different worries. I have no knowledge of the teen years, heaven only knows what they will bring.
But I love the bones of them. They've opened up my life.

minie I fell pregnant with my son while I was taking the pill, once I saw the positive test I just loved my baby. Then we had our second fairly quickly because by then I was broody and knew I'd love my second because I love and adore my first so much! I was relatively young (24 so not that young to some but in my friend group and area I was very young) so maybe I would have become broodier as I got older, I don't know though!

We'd always wanted 2 or 3 children and currently have a 3 and 5yo. I'm in the third child dilemma and currently find myself sticking at two because I'm finding myself at a balancing point where I can get some time to myself when they are at school and nursery, and in the last year we've been able to do more things like introduce the DCs to hill walking which was a big hobby to us pre-DCs and had to be shelved for a few years. I think I could cope with another baby (and would have no regrets), but the thought of another toddler making its irrational demands is enough to control broody urges. It's the little things like getting out of the house to a deadline that I find a constant struggle day in day out.

Children have taught me just how much alone time I need. Until I didn't have it, I didn't notice how much I had, and how essential it is to me. Having to constantly be alert and consider others is draining.

There is value in my life besides children. I took up running as it fitted in and it's a surrogate hobby to the hill walking that I rarely do. They have had a significant effect on my career, through costs and the balance of time I can give to them and my job.

Everyone has a tipping point. For me that is where 2 is a satisfying life, and 3 would spread me too thinly. Some cope with more. Some feel it at an only child. Some feel it without having children.

Recognising that having children would stretch you too far is a brave decision to make in the face of a society that expects people to have children. Recognising that you have the balance that works for you is very far from being selfish.

I absolutely adore my baby and he has made me life so much happier, I don't know what I did before he was here.

However, when I think about it I have given up a lot of 'me' to be a mum.
I sold my horse, have less time for myself, DH hasn't much time for his hobbies as once he finishes work he plays with DS and we have much less money!

Excellent post mrsmook.
In my career I've come across families who don't give thought to the huge responsibilities of bringing another person into the world.... families where they think having another child will be the glue that fixes a relationship, or where another child fills a gap in the mother's life, or staves off going back to work ... as I said upthread there are numerous reasons not to have a child, and it takes a genuine self awareness to know whether you are having one because you are up for the whole experience - difficult bits as well as the good

We have one DD, now 3.10, and it's been tough. Both DH and I work part time, and share childcare. Both of us would say that we go to work for a rest. From what you've said about your DH, OP, I very much doubt he'd be suited to being the main carer. DD still doesn't sleep through the night, so we're both tired much of the time. DH had a health crisis when DD was nearly 1, and has never fully recovered. One consequence is that he often needs as much sleep as DD, so we get very little time together. At the moment it feels as though we're coping day to day, and there's just about enough slack for when things get a bit harder (e.g. DH's health deteriorates), but it means we probably couldn't cope with another DC.

Both of us have very flexible jobs with supportive employers, but virtually no family support. Do you have support around you so that you could have a break (e.g. one evening a week)? How would you cope if an additional difficulty (health issue, unemployment etc) was thrown into the mix? Of course, everything could go well, but it's worth thinking about how you'd all cope when something went wrong. Sorry that's a bit negative - hope it's helpful!

we both need lots of rest, self care, patience and space

If you have a child then all of these things will go out the window for the first few years, at least.

As someone with a history of depression and anxiety, I told myself that I wouldn't let having a baby interfere with my self-care but it was bollocks I'm afraid. Even with a supportive DH and help from family, there were still many times in the early days when I forgot to eat or drink anything all day, showered a lot less than is socially acceptable and had to drag myself into work having had only a couple of hours sleep the night before. The thing is, once you have a child they come first, always. It doesn't matter if you're having a terrible day and feeling completely exhausted, sad, stressed out, they still need the same practical and emotional care as they would on any other day so you have to suck it up and get on with it.

My DD is 3yo and she is amazing. Hilarious, incredibly loving and affectionate and so much better company than most of the adults I know. On the whole, life is getting easier compared to when she was a baby. But there are moments when I'm so tired, frustrated or just craving solitude that I want to get in my car, drive away and keep on driving as far and fast as possible. Then I feel guilty for having those thoughts because society places this ridiculous expectation on Mother's to feel "blessed" for having a lovely healthy child 100% of the time.

Honestly, if I hadn't been extremely broody and consumed by a very strong desire to have children, I wouldn't have them.

My DH and I were very happy and reasonably well off pre DD, both worked full time, in jobs that we enjoy, and spent lots of time socialising, going to the gym etc. Neither of us were particularly broody, but we did see children in our future. When our DD came along we had 5 months of reflux and colic hell, we said to each other at least once a day, what have we done? It very nearly broke us!

Around 6 months we had a huge turning point, DD outgrew her reflux and just became the most contented little soul ever. She lights up our lives, and has shown us both what it is to love without limits.

But Those first few baby months can be so tough, I thought I was a fairly resilient person, but even I felt myself loosing my identity.

I will not ever have another, I don't have anywhere near as much disposable income as I did, our house looks like a bomb has hit it a large majority of the time, everything is a juggling act and we don't get much time together just the two of us, but did DD enrich our lives? My god yes, more than anything in the world!

I have teenagers and I'd say that without a doubt having children has enriched my life, and my relationship with DH.

I think I'd say that there are some things in your post that make me think the hard parts would be very hard on you - because you both have vulnerabilities and your DP might not be able to support you when things are physically and emotionally hard - as they really really are with small children.

I think that having children tests you. It pushes all your buttons and it brings up stuff about yourself and your own past. I think that being a parent involves, to some extent, being an emotional punchbag, and that you need to feel strong enough and supported enough to be that person.

Having said that, you have both worked on yourselves; you would be going into it with eyes open. And that, I believe is a darn sight more than many many people do. And hard as it is, if you can be in the moment, the good bits, the funny bits and the love add up to way more than the boredom, the frustration, the anxiety.

Nobody can really know the effect on them of having children - I do remember being quite scared about the risk it might pose to our relationship, but luckily enough it has strengthened it. And then they get older and you have to re-find what was there before. Life is change.

I would worry about the repercussions of childlessness in old age

MrsMook

I so agree with much of your post

I will say, that for me it's got easier and easier as they've got older (16 and 13). Lots of time to myself now!

It has for me. My pregnancy was unplanned and happend several years before i had planned. Before my little boy I had suffered depression and anxiety for years. Since he has been in my life I feel I have a solid purpose and I have a sense of direction. I think though it is personal to an individuals situation. For me, i never had much get up and go in terms of my carrer and was terrible with money etc, but now I have my son I am much more responsible and ambitious as I want him to have a good life. I have a different view on the world now and its future and the impact I have on it, so it has made me a better person :)

'I would worry about the repercussions of childlessness in old age'

Old age is potentially a scary prospect for all of us. Plenty of older people have little contact with their adult children, and sometimes there are good reasons for that. Having children is no guarantee of not having a lonely old age - its down to all of us to do what we can to minimise the chance of that happening.

Children made my life harder but a million times better. X

if my science is all wrong and/or I'm being insensitive please forgive me (OP & all posters) - but if you suspect your partner is on the autistic spectrum, you might also want to consider how having a child on the autistic spectrum might affect both of your lives and think about whether you'd be ready for any additional challenges.

When DD was newborn I cried at DH and said I'd ruined my life. I did not enjoy the first few months, it was a constant cycle of feeding, sleeping (not for me!), washing and cleaning. I missed my old life and felt isolated on mat leave with a tiny baby who didn't do much. Things improved at 9 months when I went back to work and started feeling like me again. Now she's nearly 2 and I'm past those early months life is good. I just wish someone had told me when she was a newborn that it wouldn't always be like that and it gets easier, it's still tiring but easier once they're up on their feet and can feed themselves etc