To ask if having a baby changed your life for the better?

[Maxwellthecat]

So me and DH have a lovely life, I run a business and though I don't make piles of money I have worked hard to get to a point where we don't worry about paying all our bills, mortgage and having some left over at the end of the month any more. I've worked flat out for as long as I can remember and now we're finally able to slow down, I finally have the most lovely work-life balance. My husband and I don't have expensive tastes, we live in the north in a small house that we were lucky enough to be able to buy thanks to his parents, neither of us are into flashy cars or designer clothes, the only thing we spend a lot of money on is food.
My husband has a decent marketing job that doesn't fulfill him intellectually but is steady with good pay and he only works 9-5, never on the weekends and is pretty much stress free, which means he has a lot of creative energy left for his real passion writing sci-if novels in his spare time. The plan is to eventually for him to go to part-time so he can do more of this.
Both me and my husband have suffered from mental health issues in the past and we both need lots of rest, self care, patience and space. We've both worked hard on our issues and have finally found a routine that works, my husband is not good with change of plan or mess or noise (he's not been diagnosed but I'm pretty sure he's on the spectrum).
If we were to have a baby it would be like starting from scratch again, my job is physical so I would have to give up a lot of it (especially in the early days) and though we are fine financially for the two of us with a baby we'd definitely have to earn more money which would mean one of us would have to take on more stress and DH wouldn't be able to go part time.
I am really conflicted because I've always seen children in my future but it's always been 'in a few years' but now I'm there I don't want to rock the boat and risk what we've worked so hard for.
On the other hand I don't want to miss out simply because I was scared.
Do you think children always make your life better?
I'm not asking if you love your children, obviously you do and that's not in debate but objectively on a day to day basis are you happier? Is your life more fulfilled??

Honestly, I don't think you should have children if you don't feel a deep desire for them. It doesn't sound like you do. And that's absolutely fine.

They do make life more difficult, at least in the early years; the absolute lack of any real time for yourself is a huge adjustment. Day to day life is tougher now than it used to be. But I was very broody; I really really wanted to have kids, and knew I would be unhappy if I didn't. It doesn't sound like you feel like that.

What does your husband think?

Malory,

Errrrm I don't know if there's something missing and I think that's the issue, it's kind of like when you can't tell if you're hungry or bored.

I was 20 when I had my first and I'm in my 30s now. So I feel like I have been a parent my entire adult life. I can't remember what it's like to be selfish and do as I please, and I don't remember what it's like to "need" to do well and be happy with my shit together for the sake of someone much more precious than myself. I have two kids now and they're my driving force. They're also a pretty big hindrance and drain on finances, but they give life a whole new meaning and I'd never go back (not that I can anyway).

Before dc2 came along, I was in a job that I despised and the break from working (maternity leave) gave me the opportunity to start my own business. So life is much better than it was before this dc as well.

Both me and my husband have suffered from mental health issues in the past and we both need lots of rest, self care, patience and space. We've both worked hard on our issues and have finally found a routine that works, my husband is not good with change of plan or mess or noise (he's not been diagnosed but I'm pretty sure he's on the spectrum).

IME "lots of rest, self care, patience and space" is exactly what you don't get when you have babies and small children. And "change of plan or mess or noise" is exactly what you do get. That phase doesn't last forever but it does last a good 4 years I reckon, more if you have 2 or more DC.

If you are not broody then I am not sure why you're considering it?

I don't regret having DC but they have definitely made my life a thousand times harder day to day. The main reason I don't regret it, apart from the fact I love them, is that I know I was broody as hell pre DC so I'm pretty sure I'd be unhappy now if I hadn't had them. Doesn't sound like that applies to you.

In your shoes, with the MH issues and need for routine and peace etc, and the lack of broodiness... I'll be honest I wouldn't have DC.

I am worried that I am possibly being selfish or prioritising little things that don't matter Don't worry about being "selfish". Everyone who has DC has them for a selfish reason... they have them because they want them. It is perfectly ok to prioritise a more comfortable life over having DC, neither is morally a better choice than the other.

My DCs are now in the 30s not sure how that happened! I love them unconditionally, they have brought so much joy and happiness to my life.

Hm. I wouldn't say my life is better at the moment. Just different. I had/ have hobbies which I can't do at the moment. My career is kaput. The sheer drudgery of cooking, washing. Sleepless nights. But we hope it will be worth it in a couple of years when they start school and I can get my life back a bit.
In your situation, I would say, the first few years until they can walk, talk and feed themselves will be the hardest.
Of course my two are utterly delightful and I love them, but at 1/2/4am I do wonder.

I wasn't broody at all. My DH really wanted a DC and I sort of went along with it. I had bad pnd for a couple of years which I did not seek treatment for. (I wish I had). But, yes, totally, having a baby changed my life for the better in all the ways that cannot be described and are intangible. Even when I had PND I knew my life was better- not matter how batshit that sounds. Someone described having a baby is like having your whole heart living outside of you walking around. That sort of describes it for me.

I am happy with one baby though - sometimes I wonder if I don't know what I am missing out on, like I did not when I thought I did not really want even 1 baby. I thank my lucky stars every day that I have DS. :)

Cel982

My DH is very happy in his life now and is not good with mess, chaos, lack of routine etc. He's never been around children or babies and was stunned when we visited friends that their house was untidy
When we first met he wanted children but he's very much a conveyor belt kind of person, you get the degree, then the job, then the wife, etc etc, and now he's seeing the reality of the impact that children are having on friends lives I think it's hitting home. he used to think you could just have a baby and continue life as normal.
He's a really wonderful man but he's not very good at going 'off script' if you know what I mean, he genuinely got upset when we shopped at Aldi one month because he didn't recognise any of the brands. I love that about him but also can't see him coping well with a new born.

I feel guilty because his parents are lovely and they would adore a grandchild and he is an only child but I also see that's a terrible reason for having a baby.

Just to add, currently going through 6month sleep regression/struggle plus 2year old tantrums so may colour my view. A month ago I was considering having a third.

You sound a little like me OP. We weren't sure, tried, couldn't, and now I think I realise we would have struggled. Yet at the same time as our window for having IVF closes ( we made the difficult decision not to do it) I can't help but wonder if I've been selfish not to go through it or if we are fundamentally missing out. It's a really strange feeling when you don't actively WANT children but are programmed by society to think that we will not ever be half people if we don't.

I am starting to make my peace with our circumstances by realising that having a baby would make life incredibly tough for us right now, that not every parent child relationship is brilliant (mine wasn't) and that I have other opportunities to love. I'm starting mentoring at a school next week and I'm seriously considering fostering teens later (I teach at a uni and I've always loved teens and been totally unbothered by babies)

Whatever you decide, just remember you are important, you exist, you're not just a baby machine. Society loves to make us think otherwise, but as mini pie says (thank you mini pie) it is perfectly OK to live well for yourself without having to reproduce if ultimately you decide it isn't right for you.

Thanks Minipie I think that's the conclusion I'm coming to. X

I think small children have dramatically decreased the quality of my life, as in my day to day reality. I just spent over an hour getting two kids to bed (not UK...it's night here) as Dh is out at a work event so wasn't here to take one of them. If I didn't have them I'd have been watching tv or out somewhere myself. They're 6 and 2, so still little and lots of physical work. I've had a dramatic reduction in income due to going part time when the first dc was born. We have to plan holidays around school and weekends around our older child's activities. Our kids want to be with us and play with us which is lovely but means no time to ourselves (or not much) during daylight hours. Neither dc slept through the night consistently before 16 months old. If one of us wants to go out we have to check the other is OK to stay with the kids. If we want to go out together we have to pay a babysitter as we have no family nearby. As a result we only go out together a few times a year. A few months after having my first dc I remember walking around in a daze, in astonishment that this way of life was reality for so many people - this never ending work of parenting, the unrelentingness of it all and the fact I couldn't really completely get the baby off my mind for more than a minute. It felt like going through the looking glass to a reality that had always been around me but that I hadn't understood before.

BUT...

It's the best thing I have ever done. It's impossible to explain why, given the mundanity and frustration of it all. But it's really something. An extreme experience. I love them in a visceral, painful, all-encompassing way even as I want to strangle them for some ridiculous thing or other.

I think you're right to consider it carefully, given your histories with mental health and your dh possibly being on the spectrum (although I do know a few parents with asd who are doing great...my dc1 is on the spectrum). You probably won't get much sleep or down time for hobbies or just rest during the early years and it's hard and unrelenting. Being child free is a legitimate choice and one some of my friends have made without regret. But for me...no regrets. Well, not when they're asleep.

Lurkingnonparent,
Thanks for that I guess I do feel like I'll always be waiting for my life to start if I never have kids like I'll never be a proper grown up or 'understand'.

If I was in your position, I would not have children. I am going to sound quite harsh now, so I will say I totally love my children to bits, they are grown up now, but if I could go back in a time machine to my younger self, I would advise me not to have children. They are so all consuming, physically and mentally, they have drained me, the years of no sleep and constant demands and worrying about them. I have ill health now so cannot work. I have spent my life, from a teenager, raising children. I am not saying it was all doom and gloom but I so used to envy my childless friend, who got to have lie ins and holidays, whilst she was envying me my family!

I do love them but if I had my time again, I would not have them

Children actually thrive on routine though. Other people children are always more difficult to accomodate because they are, not sure how to describe this well, but, well they aren't yours. So with your own, you would teach them how to live with you. Focussing on teaching them things that matter to you.

My partner and I thought for years about whether to have kids. I didn't feel broody. We also like alone time and like peace and doing our hobbies. Having one child ,and stopping there, can be perfect - It means you have a lot more time for yourself, and the child and so home seems so much calmer than big family homes. ( from what I've seen) I can't believe how great it's been after worrying about it for so long. Yes, it has made my life happier. Have childfree friends with happy lives too, many things can make you feel satisfied.

That is a really hard question. Mine are now 15 and 12. First thought would be to say yes, of course - because I love them so much and can't imagine life without them. If I hadn't had them though I wouldn't know them and would have the mortgage paid off and lots more holidays. Knowing them means I can only say that I wouldn't swap them for more money and holidays but if I hadn't had them my life would just be different.
Before I had children I remember thinking about how I would feel about a teenager lounging about in my house - my space. When you have them it is different because they grow up with you and it is nothing like looking after someone elses because they are yours.
One life is not better than the other- just different.

I think it's very difficult to define 'good' reasons for having a child, because as others have said, it's really impossible to define.

It's easier to define poor reasons for reproducing: When people do it because they feel it's society's expectation, or to fill a gap in their life (e.g. As a reason to escape a mundane job)

It sounds as though you've got more reasons not to reproduce at the moment than to do it, OP.

No, children didn't make my awful life better, it made my already fabulous life a different type of fabulous. I have no regrets.

No it's horrific.
All having children has brought to me is guilt, anxiety, guilt, exhaustion, guilt, worry - oh and did I mention the guilt?

I think there has been a study showing that the lower the income of the couple the more happiness children bring. Which is interesting.

So with your own, you would teach them how to live with you. Focussing on teaching them things that matter to you.

Well yes to a certain extent but not fully. You can't teach a baby to sleep through when they are teething or ill. You can't teach them to stay in bed till 9am on weekends because you want a lie in. You can't teach a young child to get their own lunch and look after themselves because you're feeling ill and want to go have a bath. You can't teach a young child to stay quiet through a theatre performance.

I don't think anyone should have children on the assumption that they will be able to teach their children to adapt to fit the parents' needs. For the vast majority of families the parents do most of the adapting, at least for the first few years.

So with your own, you would teach them how to live with you. Focussing on teaching them things that matter to you.

This is impossible. Young children are naturally selfish, they can't help it...you can be on your knees from exhaustion or illness...they won't care. Quietness and a tidy home might be important to you...they won't care. As they get older, they learn more about empathy and understanding but it's not instant.

Babies made me happier because I was painfully broody. First child was a difficult baby. Reflux and very sensitive. Diagnosed with autism at 8. Second child is lovely but loud, demanding and messy. I'm pretty sure DH is on the spectrum and I have a fair few traits myself.

Love them to bits but even after 9 years I find the noise and mess hard to deal with. Still get frustrated with how long it takes to organise ourselves to do anything or go anywhere and how my carefully laid plans often don't get followed. I think being a parent is hard if you're not a 'go with the flow' type.

Despite the anxiety, mess and exhaustion I know I would have regretted not having them. I nearly split up with DH because he decided he didn't want children due to depression and anxiety. He has thanked me repeatedly for sticking with him as he can't imagine his life without the wonderful experience of being a parent. It's put a strain on our marriage though.

I felt happy and fulfilled before kids, never felt anything was missing.. but after I felt like this was how it's meant to be (for me anyway) I love it. It has brought out my best bits and made me see life for what it is.