To ask if having a baby changed your life for the better?

[Maxwellthecat]

So me and DH have a lovely life, I run a business and though I don't make piles of money I have worked hard to get to a point where we don't worry about paying all our bills, mortgage and having some left over at the end of the month any more. I've worked flat out for as long as I can remember and now we're finally able to slow down, I finally have the most lovely work-life balance. My husband and I don't have expensive tastes, we live in the north in a small house that we were lucky enough to be able to buy thanks to his parents, neither of us are into flashy cars or designer clothes, the only thing we spend a lot of money on is food.
My husband has a decent marketing job that doesn't fulfill him intellectually but is steady with good pay and he only works 9-5, never on the weekends and is pretty much stress free, which means he has a lot of creative energy left for his real passion writing sci-if novels in his spare time. The plan is to eventually for him to go to part-time so he can do more of this.
Both me and my husband have suffered from mental health issues in the past and we both need lots of rest, self care, patience and space. We've both worked hard on our issues and have finally found a routine that works, my husband is not good with change of plan or mess or noise (he's not been diagnosed but I'm pretty sure he's on the spectrum).
If we were to have a baby it would be like starting from scratch again, my job is physical so I would have to give up a lot of it (especially in the early days) and though we are fine financially for the two of us with a baby we'd definitely have to earn more money which would mean one of us would have to take on more stress and DH wouldn't be able to go part time.
I am really conflicted because I've always seen children in my future but it's always been 'in a few years' but now I'm there I don't want to rock the boat and risk what we've worked so hard for.
On the other hand I don't want to miss out simply because I was scared.
Do you think children always make your life better?
I'm not asking if you love your children, obviously you do and that's not in debate but objectively on a day to day basis are you happier? Is your life more fulfilled??

I wasn't particularly broody before but my 16 week old DD makes my heart burst with love. Yes it involves a lifestyle change and having less disposable income but she is more than worth it.

If you look at children totally rationally then no one would ever have them. They bring a whole lot of anxiety, stress and hassle. You will be poorer financially and in terms of time.

However they make my heart burst with love, I can't wait to see them when I get home from work. They, to me, are what life is all about and I couldn't imagine not having children. Life is richer in so many ways.

I was desperately broody before having kids - cried when I saw babies level of insanity - and not being in a position to have children was a constant worry and sadness until suddenly I was, I did, and it was like the sun coming out and the clouds vanishing.

Not just that, but like a PP said, I feel like a different and better person for having children - not just happier, but more patient, generous and focused.

Having said that, if you're not broody and the thought of a life with children is not appealing/ makes you anxious why on earth have them?!

It's not better, it's just different. Better in some ways, worse in others. DS isn't even two yet and am due DC2 in the summer, so I don't think my life is going to be better for a few years yet. I'm hopeful that once they are older I will reflect and feel that my life has been improved by their presence. I don't enjoy the baby stage.

Basically, people having kids is the strongest argument ever for people not being rational beings but being largely driven by instinct. There are zero good reasons to have kids . There's no point in trying to rationalise it.

Did ds make my life better. In an objective way no? I have almost no time to myself or to spend with dh as a couple. I have a lot less money as I work 3 days a week and have to pay nursery fees for those. I can't afford nice holidays or expensive clothes. Every single decision from the tiny to the huge I have to consider someone else first. If ds wakes up in the night I go to him, if he is having a tantrum I deal with it and if he is ill I look after him even if l am too( of course dh does some of this too but as I am part time more falls to me).
On the other hand, there is no better moment of my day when ds catches sight of me at the end of the nursery day and charges across the room shouting "my mummy", there is no sweeter sound in the world than his laugh and I have never loved anyone or anything as much. For these reasons, yes my life is better.
Op, consider it very carefully. Having a child is bloody hard and if I hadn't desperately wanted ds I might have come to resent him for that. For me he is worth it but you and your dh will need to think hard

I think it's also worth remembering that we are essentially programmed to want to reproduce. It might feel like a rational lifestyle choice but it isn't really - our brains/hormones work hard to persuade us it's all we want in life! Even for those of us who have had a fairly easy ride parenting-wise, it's kind of odd to think about how much we were desperate to have a baby while having very little understanding of what it would actually be like to be a parent. You don't have to buy into the biological or social pressure to have children if you don't think it's really for you.

It's about how you define fulfilment though, isn't it? Is it climbing the hill or enjoying the comforts of the valley? It's going to be an individual decision.

Having children has been more of a challenge and harder work than almost anything else I have done in life. That's why I'm glad I did it. Rather in the spirit of someone standing at the top of Mount Everest and not wishing they had stayed at home in Haslemere. That is not to say that there is any shame in not climbing mountains or that climbing mountains is something everybody ought to want to do. Only that if you do do it, the challenge is part of what makes it worth while.

Hi OP, I'm in a very similar situation to you. DP and I both suffer from depression and anxiety, need a lot of self-care, peace, quiet, rest and routine. I really do need a solid night's sleep every night and struggle massively without it. I love having a quiet clean home where everything stays where I left it!

We have decided (despite periods of intense broodiness and some ongoing sadness / wistfulness) that there will be no babies for us. I just know that the day in-day-out relentless reality of parenting would make me miserable. On balance, it feels like the right decision. I'm not sure many people are every 100% on such a huge decision - all you can do is go with you gut and with what you think would be best for you right now.

It sounds like your husband had a bit of a real-life experience of what life with children can be like and has had a change of heart. This is a good thing! Lots of people go into parenting without the first clue what to expect and are shocked to discover its not the blissed-out fairytale that is presented to us by celebrity world.

Please never ever worry about being 'selfish' or worrying about 'small things'. A full night's sleep is not a 'small thing'. Peace and quiet is not a 'small thing'. Good mental health is not a 'small thing'. Like you say, you have only one life - no-one said it has to be filled with martyrdom. There is still enormous pressure on women to become mothers, but please be aware that not everyone chooses that path, and it is certainly possible to have an extremely contented and fulfilling life without children.

Yes, I think on a day to day level I am happier and more fulfilled.

I've always wanted children though, when I was a kid I changed my mind weekly on what I wanted to be when I grew up but I always knew I wanted to be a mummy. I was broody for a good 2-3 years before DS was born and although I had other nice stuff going on in life I was unfulfilled and I knew I was just waiting until I had a family.

I think also part of it is I'm really enjoying the freedom and spontaneity that comes from not having to go to work, e.g. today was sunny so I popped him in the sling and we went for a walk in the woods.
My hobbies are mainly ones that can be done with baby in tow which helps...e.g going for walks, reading (have iPad ready when he naps on my chest) baking is a bit tricky but I've been trying to do baby friendly recipes so I'm killing two birds with one stone.

DH finds it harder I think, I'll ask him how he feels when he gets home.

A million times better for having children! It has also helped my mental health considerably too. I think because I am not focused on myself anymore, I have more important things on my mind and someone else to consider who rely on me.

When they were a baby - no. I thought my life had ended.

Now, it has absolutely enhanced my life. I do look at childless friends and they seem happy and fulfilled and I am sure that we would have had a great life together without children but I think we are happier with than we would be without. There is a lot of hard work and the daily grind is exactly that but little moments where your heart could explode make up for all of it and more.

My 2 DC make my life fuller, its so hard to say "better" as of course you love them insanely but life does without a doubt get harder, more draining, more tiring, more stressful with them. For me- I didn't just want to plod along doing the same, being the same forever. I think life is about challenges as well as going through different stages, and I didn't just continue doing the same thing forever- so felt ready for children. I was selfish, independent and self-indulgent pre- kids so of course I mourn times lounging in bed with stacks of magazines to read through before having a candlelit bath etc etc...but the moment I ever get half a day of "time out" (rare as it is) I'm ready for the chaos, laughter and madness of my 2 DC again! Have to be honest though OP- this section in your 1st post is very concerning as it seems you need everything having kids definitely does NOT bring-
Both me and my husband have suffered from mental health issues in the past and we both need lots of rest, self care, patience and space. We've both worked hard on our issues and have finally found a routine that works, my husband is not good with change of plan or mess or noise (he's not been diagnosed but I'm pretty sure he's on the spectrum).

I felt liberated after having my DC. I didn't particularly mind the job I was doing before but I love my life now. I also avoided dealing with the thinfs in my past that had caused me difficulty. My kids are hard work and high maintenance but I am definitely in a better place emotionally.

Well it will feel different to everyone. But Yes, I feel like my life is better and i can't imagine living my life without having children and a family. My youngest is 9 weeks. He has just started to smile. The first time he smiled at me my heart turned over. I literally felt on top of the world. It was the most exciting thing ever. It's like that every now and again. And inbetween you have some dull and difficult times. Then something else will happen. Crawling..the first steps. The little face that has both you and dp in. All the history of both you families in this one person. It can be exciting. They also take you to places and people you would never have known otherwise. The world becomes a slightly different place. Baby groups, school runs, mummy friends you met at the library story session or at the park. They can also make you feel trapped and incredibly tired but it passes. Lots to think about op! I guess it boils down to if what you already have is enough or not and can you see yourself growing older childless?

Like most others here, I can't say that my 2 DSs made my life better, per se, but I'm so glad I had them.

I think I'd have felt like I'd missed out if I didn't have them, and I adore them both. Wouldn't be without them.

But - I worry from your OP that it's the right thing for you, or rather, for your DH. There is no doubt that they DO change your life forever, and it does become more unpredictable and chaotic, at least for a while.

However, one thing - your DH wants to go part-time at work, he could potentially be the SAHP with any DC you had, and that would work nicely. There's absolutely no real reason why YOU should be the one to give up your job/career, if he's the one who wishes to do less - he can do the childcare as well.

Re. the rest issue - well, so long as you both took turns to manage the baby at night, and made sure each other got the rest they needed whenever possible, then I think you could manage it - but do YOU think you could manage it? That's what counts. It's not always easy!

I'd also be concerned that your (both of your) mental health might be adversely affected by the changes a baby would inevitably bring. That's not to say that having MH issues should prevent you from having a baby if that's what you want to do - but if you're pretty ambivalent, then I think you need to consider it carefully.

I have a friend who is married to a man who has depression issues, as does she - they've decided between them that children would add too much stress to their lives and their MH, so have decided to never have children. A decision they're happy with, I have to say (and she's too old now).

But not necessarily the right decision for you.

Overall, I would say having children = better than not having them, for me.

Do you think children always make your life better?

Christ no. I think that they often make it worse, and almost always cause a severe decline in many measures.

I have been broody as hell since I was about 14 and had my boy last year at 37. I am EXHAUSTED, my career is suffering, my house is a tip, and I have no disposable income. I'm still definitely glad I had him, and actually, now he's not a baby, I think his company makes up for all that. He's hilarious, and loving and I have always wanted to do what I am doing now.

If I hadn't been broody I honestly think I'd regret it at times because it's REALLY HARD WORK.

I had DS at 21 and having him ha made me push my boundaries a lot over the past 10 years. I'm a lot more confident both with how I act in social situations and how I feel about myself. I'm having to teach him about the world and trying to bring him up to be how I think a person should be (without racism, sexism etc), I learn more about how I should be and how important it is for us to have a live and let live attitude to others. There's loads more subtle changes that he has made or having him has made me change and so for me, I'd say that having a child has definitely had a very positive effect on my life. I'm much happier in myself because I'm a better person now. I have fantastic friends and I've learned so much more about people, about society, about disabilities and the affect on children, parents, schools, society. There have been so many pros for me that it really is hard to list them all.

Though yes, it's also been hard. Hard in lots of big ways and lots of little ways. DS has ADHD and that's been a struggle. I'm a lone parent me that has its own pros and cons. But teething, not sleeping, terrible 2s as well as normal stuff like watching friends traveling the world, the parties I've missed, the compromises I've had to make.

But yeah, totally worth it!

The people saying they don't read, try doing it in the evenings rather than watching TV, that works for me.

I have NC for this because I'm quite ashamed of what I'm about to write.

I had DS when I was 19, he wasn't planned and I have been his only parent from day 1. I love him, he is a clever, funny and kind little boy but if I could go back with hindsight I wouldn't have let myself get pregnant.
He is loved and well cared for but I long for his teenage years when I can get some more of my own life back. Having a child has meant putting my carreer to one side, I have lost friendships, gone years without being able to commit to a relationship, never been able to travel or enjoy my twenties. It completely throws life upside down and for some people that's a wonderful thing but I'm not naturally maternal. I lack the instinct that other parents seem to have for being naturally good with children, I find it exhausting and tedious. I am proud of the amazing little person he is growing up to be, and of course I love him but I feel like I'm wishing his life away sometimes.

That said, you are in a very different place in yoir life where everything is settled and you have had a carreer and a relationship with time to yourselves before the chaos of children arrives and your child would be wanted and planned should you have one.

good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Jag, please don't feel ashamed - I have seen lots of posts with similar feelings on here before. You're not alone

Mine did. I had my eldest at 34 and youngest at 37. Before kids I was a girl. Now I am a woman!

Of course there have been a whole load of challenges and pitfalls on the way, but having children has definitely brought DH and me one helluva lot of personal growth!

My baby isn't very old so I can clearly remember life before.

I think my life would have been quite sad if I wasn't going to have children but that is purely because the work I did was based around the fact I wanted a family - high income for 9-5.30, not super stressful and lots of people working from home (so when the time comes I can too). But no job satisfaction. I did this job because I wanted a child and if I couldn't or wasn't going to have a child I'd have had to get a different job, something I could find fulfilment in.

Even on the worst days - 2 hours sleep, unwashed, baby fed and changed and warm but still crying non stop - I've not regretted it for a second. My life is very different now though and there's no pretending it isn't. I'm on mat leave and my day revolves around the baby 100% and I am apart from baby for about 1 hour once or twice a week maximum. Once I go back to work I won't be able to have spontaneous after work drinks as I will have to pick up from nursery. Weekends and evenings I can do "me" things (even though BF, I am able now to pop to gym etc for instance) but have to be planned alongside what my partner is doing and can't last very long. It'll be difficult to move jobs without considering commute, hours, flexibility etc. And we also now need to seriously think about moving into a bigger home, which we wouldn't need to otherwise. If I hadn't wanted this very much, it would all feel like quite a sacrifice.

"we both need lots of rest, self care, patience and space" - like other posters this jumped out at me. These four things are very difficult to achieve with young children. Once they are over four/five, then easier.

I think if you have children you have to accept that you have got five-seven years of clinging on as best you can, while their infancy passes and you all emerge into their being schoolchildren.

Things are still busy when they are school children, but by that point it is more of a logistical challenge which is quite satisfying to manage (if tiring!). Packed lunches, reading, music practice, Brownies, swimming, etc etc. Somehow by that point they have separated from you and have their own life, even though they need you to manage it, it is easier to feel yourself again, to have space and to pursue an interest of your own.

Whereas a baby/toddler/preschooler needs YOU ALL THE TIME, wants to kind of merge with you and will be distressed about separation etc. Even if you learn to manage it, there is a constant feeling of "my small child NEEDS ME!!!" Whereas when they are school age, they don't need you in the physical sense quite so much.

With a baby or toddler you will have poor sleep, you won't even be able to shower or go to the loo by yourself, toddlers can be totally infuriating in their irrationality, and by the end of the day of breastfeeding a baby and having a toddler leap all over you you will feel like you never want to be touched EVER AGAIN! Of course it plays havoc with your partnership too.

Mind you they are VERY sweet and they love you so much. Your toddler will think the sun shines out of your proverbial and sometimes only Mummy will do. And as you and your partner watch you baby crawl, your toddler start to walk, your preschooler pedal for the first time on a bike, the pride and shared joy is wonderful and makes up for the problematic sex life, the grumpiness and snappiness because you are both so exhausted!

Thanks Lotta

having a baby didn't change my life for the better really, it made it harder, but having a child has been the best thing i've ever done .... i didn't really enjoy the baby stage but from about 18 months on i've loved it and our lives are filled with so much fun & laughter and unexpected joy