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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if having a baby changed your life for the better?

116 replies

Maxwellthecat · 27/10/2016 09:42

So me and DH have a lovely life, I run a business and though I don't make piles of money I have worked hard to get to a point where we don't worry about paying all our bills, mortgage and having some left over at the end of the month any more. I've worked flat out for as long as I can remember and now we're finally able to slow down, I finally have the most lovely work-life balance. My husband and I don't have expensive tastes, we live in the north in a small house that we were lucky enough to be able to buy thanks to his parents, neither of us are into flashy cars or designer clothes, the only thing we spend a lot of money on is food.
My husband has a decent marketing job that doesn't fulfill him intellectually but is steady with good pay and he only works 9-5, never on the weekends and is pretty much stress free, which means he has a lot of creative energy left for his real passion writing sci-if novels in his spare time. The plan is to eventually for him to go to part-time so he can do more of this.
Both me and my husband have suffered from mental health issues in the past and we both need lots of rest, self care, patience and space. We've both worked hard on our issues and have finally found a routine that works, my husband is not good with change of plan or mess or noise (he's not been diagnosed but I'm pretty sure he's on the spectrum).
If we were to have a baby it would be like starting from scratch again, my job is physical so I would have to give up a lot of it (especially in the early days) and though we are fine financially for the two of us with a baby we'd definitely have to earn more money which would mean one of us would have to take on more stress and DH wouldn't be able to go part time.
I am really conflicted because I've always seen children in my future but it's always been 'in a few years' but now I'm there I don't want to rock the boat and risk what we've worked so hard for.
On the other hand I don't want to miss out simply because I was scared.
Do you think children always make your life better?
I'm not asking if you love your children, obviously you do and that's not in debate but objectively on a day to day basis are you happier? Is your life more fulfilled??

OP posts:
CupofTeaTime · 27/10/2016 15:31

Your DH sounds like hard enough work without adding a baby in the mix!

Modiiii · 27/10/2016 15:38

Yes it changed both our lives for the better. I used to wake up in the morning with a knot in my stomach, I no longer have it. I look forward to the future and excited about every new experiences yet to happen. I am doing better in my career so is my husband. We have decided to try for another one next year. I am no longer lost.

albertcampionscat · 27/10/2016 15:44

Yes. Weirdly I worry less and feel far more competent and capable than I did before. The world got a whole lot less complicated and scary.

Before that sounds too smug - I make plenty of mistakes and fuck up all the time (my three year old says 'bloody hell') but it's like I now have this bedrock confidence that everything is basically alright and people are kind.

Original poster
Maxwellthecat · 27/10/2016 16:17

Haha to the people saying my husband sounds like hard work, he is, but also incredibly lovely and kind and I wouldn't change him for anything. He is also an adult man who is more than capable of bucking up when he needs to and he is incredibly doting on my nieces.

I'm reassured also to see so many posters from people who had children later. I'm only 29 so maybe I could just put it off a few years and see how I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maxwellthecat · 27/10/2016 16:18

I think him doing the childcare would be a dream but he earns the stable wage :-(

OP posts:
Shetland · 27/10/2016 16:21

My confidence improved once the kids came along too albert I don't know why as my life on a day to day basis is spent fighting fires and chasing my tail.

I have been thinking about this lately OP and I would say that I feel massively stressed pretty much all the time and I am, sad to say, counting the days til my youngest starts school - but if I had my time over again, would I make the same decision? Yes, absolutely.
However - my life wasn't massively fulfilling pre kids and now I feel a bit more like it is.
I have several friends who are married/in long term relationships who are childless through choice, but in like me they have busy lives, jobs they enjoy, fab holidays - and I definitely find myself thinking that if they were to have a child it would probably spoil what is currently a very nice life.

I guess my feelings can be summed up as - if you're not absolutely sure you want children, then don't do it.

Msqueen33 · 27/10/2016 16:32

I adore my kids but I'm not sure they make me happier. They have brought a lot of joy into my life and now I have them I wouldn't swap them but life was a lot easier and much less complicated. I do think I felt pressured to do the supposed done thing and have kids. But two of my three have autism. I would say aswell if you suspect your dh has autism this is a genetic condition and might occur in your children. Not that there's anything wrong with having autism but a child with autism is quite hard work.

moreslackthanslick · 27/10/2016 16:37

What's so "selfish" about not having children? Hmm

formerbabe · 27/10/2016 16:40

What's so "selfish" about not having children?

No one said it was selfish did they? Confused

moreslackthanslick · 27/10/2016 16:42

"I'm not that arsed what society thinks but I am worried that I am possibly being selfish or prioritising little things that don't matter"

OP on making the decision.

formerbabe · 27/10/2016 16:43

Apologies I didn't see that part. Fwiw the choice not to have children is definitely not selfish...even if it was selfish, so what?!

Confusednotcom · 27/10/2016 16:48

Sorry I haven't RTFT as in a rush but had to say, the biggest factor I'd like to know about is how much family help you will have. Having grandparents who can look after a sick child, or sick parent, and who will provide practical and moral support could make what is a massive undertaking a lot easier. I'm in the 'never knew how happy they'd make me' camp and felt my life was suddenly given huge meaning when DC1 was born, it was like a light being switched on.

Rolocookies · 27/10/2016 16:49

I think if you aren't broody then cherish your lovely sounding life as it is. If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Having a child has made my life better but I don't believe it's the same for everyone.

moreslackthanslick · 27/10/2016 16:51

Apologies I didn't see that part. Fwiw the choice not to have children is definitely not selfish...even if it was selfish, so what?*

Thanks but some do have that view and it's offensive.

formerbabe · 27/10/2016 16:56

Being child free is definitely not selfish...the world is ridiculously over populated. Schools are over subscribed, NHS is under pressure, there's a housing crisis etc etc.

sarahnova69 · 27/10/2016 16:57

Has it changed my life for the better? I think so, yes.

Has it made me happier? Possibly not.

That said, I think the focus on "happiness" is possibly a red herring. Research inevitably finds that having children makes people less "happy", but research also finds that reporting that you feel happy is influenced by quite fleeting things (a nice meal, a hot bath, etc) so mostly, people are just reporting "I feel contented/in a good mood right now". (And honestly, what the research mostly seems to show is that having children makes you knackered and irritable for a while. People are least satisfied with their marriages during the infant and teenage periods, i.e. when they are getting least sleep!)

I think it's more about meaning. Having a meaningful life, as opposed to a "happy" one, has been shown to make people live longer. And my life is definitely more meaningful now. Life, in many ways, is simpler and more straightforward: I am here to make sure my son is safe, happy, and loved. It's been good for my mental health. I don't live in my head any more. Partly because I'm busier, so I don't have the time. I spend less time worrying about my competence and more just getting shit done. I don't love my husband MORE, exactly, but a layer of richness has been added to our love. And I laugh more. There is so much joy in playing with your children and making them laugh.

I also agree with this:
Weirdly I worry less and feel far more competent and capable than I did before. The world got a whole lot less complicated and scary.

That said, I'm not sure it's the right thing for you, because all that stuff you say about needing space, care, etc? You will lose all of that. I'd be very, very sure it's what you want and you can cope before you go for it.

CPtart · 27/10/2016 17:13

Having a baby didn't, no. It made it a lot lot harder. Having a child, yes. From about three onwards it's been fantastic mostly

phoenix1973 · 27/10/2016 17:16

No. took away my choices. Forced me into terrible jobs which do not use my skills. I feel like I left the real me on the hospital bed wearing that horrid nightie 10 years ago.
She certainly didn't leave the hospital!
Took away my financial independence
Took away my great boobs and waist and left me bosomy/matronly.
Made my feet a size bigger.
Affected all my relationships. Not for the better.
I've got no pension. To be honest I don't see a future for me, but I keep gritting my teeth, binge eating to keep going,
Because I have a child to raise and she deserves to be raised well. She's great and I love her, but the tiredness and frustration overwhelm me most of the time.
When she was a baby, I would take her to soft play. I'd watch her crawling about and I would think " I'm responsible for her. If I don't take her home nobody else will". The responsibility would make me choke and panic.
When Dh returned to work, I remember feeling absolutely panicked that she was all mine to look after.
Every year, I used to privately cry before her birthday as I was reminded of the birth which was traumatic
When she got to 5, I was actually happy and so grateful we'd both survived

This has been the only difficult thing I have NOT quit. So it's character building yes. But life improving, no.

formerbabe · 27/10/2016 17:18

When she was a baby, I would take her to soft play. I'd watch her crawling about and I would think " I'm responsible for her. If I don't take her home nobody else will

I also used to think this when I took my dc out!

EatsShitAndLeaves · 27/10/2016 17:23

It's an incredibly hard question to answer.

In part because there is a huge unknown re: the temperament of any child you may have.

I have a DS whom I love utterly. I'd always thought I would have more but as charming, clever and funny he is, he is also stubborn as hell and can be different to parent (he didn't sleep through till aged 5).

Friends who had babies that slept through very quickly and have a much more placid personality than DS couldn't really see what I found difficult - "their love lives hadn't changed that much" - until the next child who was much more akin to my DS was born. Then they got the frustration and exhaustion.

I don't regret having DS and I feel my life is richer for having him in it. However it's been bloody hard work at times, especially as I wanted to continue my career. Full time work and a parenthood can be a taxing time in the early years and looking back now he's a teen I sometimes wonder how DH and I got through it all.

At 29 you still have a few years to mull it over . There is no way your life will be easier with a child and I don't think it's selfish to consider not going down this route - quite the reverse actually.

There are many of very happy couples who have chosen to remain childless and live hugely fulfilling lives.

myfamily6 · 27/10/2016 17:24

Exactly what formerbabe said

BingBongBingBong · 27/10/2016 17:30

I was never broody and I still don't like other people's kids. Kids I know well, like them a lot but still find them annoying. But my own kids, well I think they're amazing, I love them so much it's crazy.
Did they improve my life? Technically no. My mental health has suffered, my body is a mess, they put a strain on relationships for most people, I gave up my career to be at home with them for financial reasons. We're skint. From the outside I'd say things probably look worse. But my God I'd do it all again in a heartbeat because even on the hardest days I just love them so much and that just makes everything else seem less important.

minipie · 27/10/2016 17:41

BingBong if you don't mind me asking, why did you have DC if you weren't broody and don't like other children?

I agree with Eats that so, so much depends on the child you get. Some people have easy going children who slot into their lives. Others find their lives turned upside down by a very demanding child. If you and your DH are not laid back people do bear in mind you may not have a laid back child...

WankingMonkey · 27/10/2016 18:02

My life was much more 'fun' when I didn't have responsibilities and stuff and 2 other lives to look after.

But now, its more 'boring' but more fulfilling too.

So I guess it totally changes your life, rather than being any 'better' or anything.

Antifrank · 27/10/2016 18:04

To answer your original question, yes definitely

Having a teenager, now that;s another matter....