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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.../naive/stupid/ridiculous/tiresomely 'female' about this??

101 replies

NappiesGalore · 10/02/2007 08:32

stepDS age 7 is here for w/end. hes not v happy at the mo and needs some tlc. emotionally speaking like.

anyway; he really really wants me (and dp has said i would, grr) to help him build/paint some little character model thingys which are part of a game. called warhammer. its a fantasy futeristic game but its really all about war.

i am a pacifist. i hate war (i know i know, dont we all) i hate violence and i honestly believe that little children growing up playing war games like its nothing and normal is one of the reasons adults think war is a reasonable way to deal with things... and i dont want any part of allowing/assisting any child to 'play' at war... harmless as it seems to everyone else on the planet apparently...

SO. am i being a daft old lentil weaver about this, or should i stick to my guns (haha! see wht i did there??)

over to you. lot.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 10/02/2007 08:36

I'd think your dp should help him build/paint these things, given he is willing to make promises like this?

Or is there anything you can do with him (baking? making another sort of figure?) that you'd both enjoy?

Budababe · 10/02/2007 08:37

Principles are all very well but your SDS wont' understand that at 7. He needs TLC. A promise has been made.

Children really don't see war type things in the same way as adults as they don't understand.

Original poster
NappiesGalore · 10/02/2007 08:39

yes. how stinkingly obvious NQC, thanks for that. will spend my time offering alternative, less little killer in training-type activities... thanks!

maybe i could take him to the garden centre or something.. does anything grow this time of year??

any other wholesome suggestions??

OP posts:
nearlyfourbob · 10/02/2007 08:39

Hum, difficult - if it's building and painting then he's creating something (rather than destroying) but once they're made he's going to play with them in a way that you don't agree with.

I think you should explain about being a CO and ask him to help you make a huge chocolate cake instead.

Paddlechick666 · 10/02/2007 08:40

hi nappies

help him paint his figurine and give him the TLC that you've already realised he needs.

i agree about the war games thing and would be horrified if my skids turned up with toy guns etc but you've already said he needs some emotional support and how much he wants you to spend time with him.

he's old enough to understand if you want to also tell him your views on the whole war game thing tho.

kill 2 birds with one stone perhaps? but don't preach to him........

i think it's great that he wants you to spend the time with him.

Original poster
NappiesGalore · 10/02/2007 08:40

but thats my point budababe. i know he doesnt see it the same way. thats why its so insidious!! he plays these 'games' as a child and is therefore 'training' his mind to accept that this is a reasonable normal way to do things!!

OP posts:
Kbear · 10/02/2007 08:41

I think you AND DP should do it. TLC for your StepDS is more important than your views about war, I think. Not that your views aren't valid BUT he's a child and you can talk to him about this stuff when he's older. He will only remember you for refusing to play with him otherwise!

Make a deal, two hours doing his stuff then some time making cakes or painting other stuff or go to the park. Maybe?

Freckle · 10/02/2007 08:44

Go to the garden centre, buy some plain garden gnomes and then paint them bright colours. You can buy outdoor paints for this. Then the gnomes can go in your garden.

Original poster
NappiesGalore · 10/02/2007 08:45

oh it is great that he wants me. we've always loved each other... known him since he was 2...

i will do everything in my power to avoid the war thing, i think. it IS important, to me. not to give the messgae that its ok. its so not.
but i will instead devote all day, even ignoring my own boys (who will cope!!) if need be to do stuff with him.

thanks for yr opinions... i will mull over further

OP posts:
Original poster
NappiesGalore · 10/02/2007 08:50

surely someone who also objects to little girls role playing being vacuous bimbo sex objects with barbies and the like, sees my point here??
can i really be alone in believing that playing at war is nasty?? (and the more innocent the game/child/age, the worse it is!!)

OP posts:
lizziemun · 10/02/2007 08:51

I think i would go along the lines "oh no thats a boys thing dad will be much better then me" and then "when you finished perhaps we could make a cake to say thankyou to dad for helping you"

Thart way you get out of doing it, but also dss get to spend time with both of you one to one.

Paddlechick666 · 10/02/2007 08:55

i do agree with you, but your OP stressed that your sds needed tlc indicating that you were concerned you couldn't give that without painting the war game figure.

sounds like you've got some good ideas for alternatives so go with some of them and distract him from the war game.

or explain to him your views and offer to do something else together.

i know my sds1 would forget about all else if offered the chance to bake a chocolate cake! partly for the baking but mostly for the eating

Budababe · 10/02/2007 08:56

How do you know he will grow up to think it is normal or reasonable?

My DH played cowboys & indians and soldiers and war games when he was little but doesn't think it is right or reasonable. Most people don't.

Judy1234 · 10/02/2007 08:59

Can't you direct the game so the two sides make peace and use that as a discussion about why there are so many wars and how we can try to stop them? I just think you could influence him more by playing the game and talking to him about it than looking disapproving and staying out of it.

Anyway what children don't want to thump each other with sticks? They'd be weird if they didn't. At least these games are more structured and cause less physical damage to the house. I don't have a son who was ever into them but there was an after school club at the school for them and they're very popular. They are massively less violent than most computer war games. I suppose the main way to stop war is to rid the planet of men or reduce testosterone.

pointydog · 10/02/2007 09:02

I think you're being unreasonable.

Your stepds is into this science fantasy shit and may well be until he is quite an old man. People do all sorts of imaginative things that cross real life boundaries and possibilities. Are you always going to refuse to have anything to do with his sci-fan hobby?

Does he become a rather unpleasant aggressive boy when he's doing all this model stuff?

ellceeell · 10/02/2007 09:08

Just out of interest, why did your dp say you would?

kimi · 10/02/2007 09:20

NG, im very anti war but my 10 year old DS plays war hammer, he has lord of the rings characters.
At 10 he is old enough to know war is evil, but hobbits are a different matter.
Is it the 40k stuff your DSS has?

I think is he is in need of some TLC and wants to spend time with you then maybe you could help him paint (DS1 never asks for my help as im usless with the fiddley bits) but also explain to him that real war is not a game and very bad, then get him to join in doing something else with you,
Good luck

VeniVidiVickiQV · 10/02/2007 09:22

Agree with Xenia.

tigermoth · 10/02/2007 09:26

hmm.... well I think TLC in this case means letting your stepson do his stuff and supporting him in that, as long as he behaves ok. If he is feeling especially vulnerable, pouring cold water over his current craze is not being sensitive to his needs. Now is not the time to tell him you are not into war games.

However, if the warhammer stuff is just one of the things he likes, then by all means divert him onto something else. If, however, it is ONE thing he has been looking forward to, then I think you are being unreasonable not to go through with it.

Why did your partner volunteer you for this job btw? Presumably he knows your anti war views, so what is going on here? I do think it is a bit off that you have been 'enlisted' without being consulted. Can you ask him to take over?

As for 7 year olds and army games, I have a 7 year old son who is deeply into army games, toy guns, little soldiers. He has been since he was 4 years old. He is imaginative and this is how he chooses to do his role playing and make believe games. Ie he doens't make tents in the living room, he makes bunkers.

I do see your point about glorifying war and I am no a pro war type of person, but I do think it's important for my son to express himself in the way he chooses, at this age, as long as he is not harming other people.

I think it is my duty as a parent to show him other areas of interest, so he doesn't get too fixed on one thing - ie trips to science museum, watching doctor who, book reading, football etc etc but he is allowed to make his choices of favourite imaginative play.

I also take my ds to war games shows, where he can see large warhammer board games etc in action. The people we meet there (90% male) seem nice and laid back. It is a land of make believe and game playing, quite a gentle,nerdy vibe IMO - certainly no big displays of testosterone, aggression or glorification of killing.

franca70 · 10/02/2007 09:27

I would offer alternatives, like baking etc.
However I think playing soldiers, cowboyys etc is just a part of developing (not to mention you can give them a few historic facts...). My husband was obsessed with playing with soldiers, Napoleon, ww2 etc. He is a pacifist.

Soapbox · 10/02/2007 09:31

I worry that we, as mothers, demonise the things that boys are interested in, just because 'we don't like them' (paraphrased).

Wars are a fact of life, they always have been, and save for some cataclysimic change in the world they always will be.

You, of course, are entitled to hold your pacifist views.

However, as long as wars feature in our lives, then we will always need brave men and women, to be prepared to fight for those freedoms which we hold dear.

Wars are fascinating for young boys, why should we censure their interests?

My DS 6yo, loves drawing, but the vast majority of his drawings are of battle scenes - we joke in our house that as long as we have a stock of sludge green, grey and orange pencils in the house, DS can be kept occupied for hours

It is for him, just a form of fantasy, like star wars I suppose. He does ask about real wars and in talking about them, we do make it clear that war is an evil, dangerous, horrible thing, anything that kills people is. That is the time to try and balance the view he has of wars being 'exciting'!

FWIW in your position, I would sit down and do the painting of these fantasy figures, and use it as an opportunity to discuss your views.

I think it is best to make sure he understands that these are your views and why they are important to you, you can also discuss that other people have different views - a lesson in tolerance if nothing else

edam · 10/02/2007 09:36

agree with Soapbox.

I share your views, but he's 7, he will hear 'I don't want to play your game'.

JustJAMtarts · 10/02/2007 09:40

I have been on many a demo, I live as green as I can, am a veggie and break my heart daily over what we as a race do to our children, each other and the planet...but I have to say, yes, I think it's unreasonable...he is a little boy, with no comprehension of the concept of war.
How fantastic he uses his imagination instead of wanting to stare at the TV all day!
IMO we can be too PC, and that's coming from a socialist like me.

Fillyjonk · 10/02/2007 09:40

I think those are your beliefs and you shouldn't pretend otherwise. If it comes down to it, I'd do it but not conceal my reservations, tbh.

I am not really a pacifist but I have a real problem with those warhammer things. dp loves them. I am dreading my dcs being old enough to play those "hunt the orc using a poisoned dragonscale mace" type games.

Ok would an option be, perhaps, to play a co-operative warhammaresqe game? Like Lord of the Rings? Ok there is fighting but at least you are all on the same side.

OR there might be an angle you can go on on the game at which empahsises the non war side?

Or obviously, go make a chocolate cake!

I have much symapthy, I will be here in 4 years, I suspect!

Oh one thing I will say-dp is bascially also a pacifist but likes these games purely for the strategy element. There is little in the way of pacifist strategy gaming, apparently, once you have played SimCity into the ground

Twiglett · 10/02/2007 09:42

why can't you build / paint them with him and develop stories for each one .. ask him where he thinks the character was born, about his family

warhammer might be a game but if you get him, even slowly, to appreciate that each individual character in it is an individual like him with a family like him then it might start to sink in

I'd do it .. you're only painting characters