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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.../naive/stupid/ridiculous/tiresomely 'female' about this??

101 replies

NappiesGalore · 10/02/2007 08:32

stepDS age 7 is here for w/end. hes not v happy at the mo and needs some tlc. emotionally speaking like.

anyway; he really really wants me (and dp has said i would, grr) to help him build/paint some little character model thingys which are part of a game. called warhammer. its a fantasy futeristic game but its really all about war.

i am a pacifist. i hate war (i know i know, dont we all) i hate violence and i honestly believe that little children growing up playing war games like its nothing and normal is one of the reasons adults think war is a reasonable way to deal with things... and i dont want any part of allowing/assisting any child to 'play' at war... harmless as it seems to everyone else on the planet apparently...

SO. am i being a daft old lentil weaver about this, or should i stick to my guns (haha! see wht i did there??)

over to you. lot.

OP posts:
Fillyjonk · 10/02/2007 09:48

actually twiglett that is a REALLY good idea

Fillyjonk · 10/02/2007 09:50

(oh and my problem with warhammer is more complex...I don't like these figures/images being fed to kids by this large company. I personally have no problem with, say, dungeons and dragons where kids bascially control the game themselves-fantasy but on a board. But those figurines annoy me)

fizzbuzz · 10/02/2007 10:00

I am also pacifist and hate war. But dd used to say to me when he was little, about guns "I know it's for war, but I just want it as a toy"

I gave up years ago on trying to stop him playing with war toys, although it went against my principles, unfortunately this is what boys seem to be interested in. Most of my friends with sons gave up on it years ago as well. It is a boy thing!

No one can hate Warhammer as much as me, God even the assistants are decidedly weird, but I would let ds do it. Painting them and making landscapes is quite creative and rewarding! Just wish they did a few fairies as well!

Flamesparrow · 10/02/2007 10:00

I've not read the whole thread, but its models n painting.

You won't be playing wars with him. He will play with them regardless of whether you paint them with him or not.

It is the artsy side of it he wants to do with you.

WideWebWitch · 10/02/2007 10:03

I'd do it and discuss, agree with Xenia.
Poor love. I don't like Star WARS much either but I let ds pretend to be a Jedi. Do think your dp and you need a discussion about it (in private) later though.

Original poster
NappiesGalore · 10/02/2007 10:04

Right!

ok. have been away but have just come and read the replies...

and yes, i agree and to some extent stand corrected - i will paint the figures with him (after we've finished playing wii bowling) and will talk about the characters individually - what a good idea - and i take the point lots of you are making, including xenia... if you want to change something, tis far more effective to do it from the inside than by standing about looking grumpy.

thank you all - i was having real tgrouble reconciling that one!

oh - and dp volunteered me b/c i am the one who is good at/has patirnce for engineering/building/fiddly type stuff. i also do all the flatpack furniture

OP posts:
fizzbuzz · 10/02/2007 10:07

I teach art and D&T. I get volunteered for anything remotely creative..... Do it all day, do not want to do it when I get home. Grrrrrrrr

Twiglett · 10/02/2007 10:08
mytwopenceworth · 10/02/2007 10:10

i used to feel as strongly. i made sure everyone knew not to buy my lads anything like guns or stuff. when other people got them, say, action men, i unpackaged them and removed the weapons before letting them have them!

no violent cartoons allowed no bow and arrow for their red-indian costumes, not even a water gun in the summer!

they have the full range of toys - those marketed as boys (minus weapons), those marketed as girls, and all the neutrals too.

no steriotyping in MTPW household. if they want a train or a my little pony, that's fine and heaven help anyone who has anything to say about it!

and yet they fight. karate kick and leap all over the place. one day, i walked into the living room and saw them swordfighting with drinking straws.

i have come to the conclusion that it is just in them, regardless of what you try to do. boys just like roughhousing, physical play and bashing each other!

awsome · 10/02/2007 10:29

my ds has gone to his dads this weekend and if they have said they would do somthing and didnt(as they have done so many times)then i know my ds would be so upset

morningpaper · 10/02/2007 10:31

I think the issue is not the wargames but the fact that your DH should not have promised you will do something, without asking you first

I would do it, but you need to speak to your DP and tell him not to make promises on your behalf

edam · 10/02/2007 10:39

Good point MP, presumably your dh knows how strongly you feel about this? So very odd of him to have promised.

Judy1234 · 10/02/2007 10:55

He might think banning war games is silly though and I do think your first family and children should be put above a new woman as a matter of principle. The boy didn't choose his father to take up with someone with those fairly unusual views just like if his father ended up with a vegetarian or a hunting activist the principle should be you, the new woman must fit in with the first child who is in essence the victim because his parents couldn't stick it out and should not suffer for it.

ladymariner · 10/02/2007 11:01

Good on you, Nappies, for agreeing to do this stuff with him. I agree with you that war is bad etc but, as previous posts have said and I know from my own experience, little boys do see it completely differently from us. I wouldn't bother trying to get your views across to him whilst you're actually making these things with him, that's his tlc time, but he'll come to understand what you mean as he gets older. When my ds was small, I was adamant that he wasn't going to play with guns etc, and I stuck to that until one day whilst visiting friends, he and the other little boys came tearing in wielding what appeared to be massive great rocket-launchers, went charging off into the garden and proceeded to have a fab time! I realised I couldn't stop him coming into contact with them although I never bought him any myself. My ds is now 11 and, although i say it myself, absolutly charming, a real calm, peaceable child with a passion for athletics, football, Horrible Sccience and Harry Potter! God, I've just read that and sound so twee - apologies!
But I loooove him!!!!!

filthymindedvixen · 10/02/2007 11:02

Take him out and buy some lego together and do that togheter

Or - my boys are currently knee deep in old cereal packets, washing up luqiuid bottles, empty loo rolls etc doing junk modelling.

The bad news is....I have similar views to you but gues what they're building?

Spaceships for a space battle and, er, tanks...

tigermoth · 10/02/2007 12:48

Love the suggestion to talk about each character's background ( still twirling around there, twiglett? )

I also have reservations about gaming where the type of game and roles of characters are fixed. There is quite a difference between that and kids playing a spontaneous game of soldiers in the park IMO.

I think 7 years old is quite young for warhammer proper - AFAIK it is for an older child/teen and adult age range.

Is it just the model making and collecting side he is into? The games themselves are quite sophisticated for a 7 year old, unless he has some older siblings who help him.

If he really likes this sort of stuff, you or you dh should think of taking him to take him to 'Salute' at the Excel in Docklands. I think it is on in April - it's the largest war games convention in the UK and there are lots of stalls designed for children. There dozens of big board games set up from all different eras, and children can join in many of them (ie there was a dinosaurs versus daleks game). Also there hundreds of models and model makers. Lots of stalls selling things as well. We went last year and ds thought he had gone to heaven!

Original poster
NappiesGalore · 10/02/2007 14:50

ok. have been away working with stepds... busily cutting out, glueing together, priming, detail painting and sticking sand to a milllion little tiny bits of warrior and gus shaped bits of plastic...and spend about 20 minutes cleaning the soddy stuff off my poor dried out old woman hands...i hope youre all atisfied!!

i draw the line at playing it tho... have 'volunteered' his father for that bit!

re some of the posts ive missed: whoa - theres a few points i want to answer (and will undoubtedly miss some out, but will try)

first off- this is far from his only passion... its a new thing to him so his over compensating mother has gone out and bought him loads of kit and sent it to our house with him, knowing i'll do it (or planning to berate dp for not doing it when he goes home) i have seen this a hundred times, where he comes for w/end, has a new craze, has sometimes hundreds of pounds worth of kit for it, accidentally leaves it behind and then just isnt bothered about it next time he comes. with regards to 'things' he has always had anything and everything hes ever wanted so he places no value on them. in a way its good that he doesnt get hung up on 'stuff' but its a shame that its impossible to 'treat' him and im not sure where his lack of a concept of value will lead him in later life...

xenia - i think dps perfectly correct in having all his children and me, his immediate family, at the top of his priority list. he will always feel sad that he couldnt be living with his first son while he grows up but A, it wasnt his choice, and B, he takes great pains to 'make it up' to his ds1...

and i know its 'just in them' to fight. i know6 its human nature, not just for boys, but it doesnt mean i have to help to nurture and validate the human tendency to fight, does it?? i know^ theyll fight anyway, an i dont for one second naively believe they wont ever have toy guns and stuff... they no doubt will... but i dont ever have to like it! and enough of society will tell them its ok without me joining in... and its my sodding JOB to pass on my beliefs and ideals!!

hey, its not like i have many principles!

have no doubt missed loads of points... but think ive waffled on enough.

oh! i wont stop him going (who am i to anyway??) but i certainly will not be taking him to a war games exhibition but you know, thanks for the suggestion. lol.

OP posts:
BuffysMum · 10/02/2007 14:58

There are other warhammer games that are fantasy just based on lord of the rings really but def not modern warfare perhaps steer him into one of those........Anyway it is mainly geeks that play it's very good for their mind in terms of strategy etc like chess. I would rather my child played that throughout their teenage years than wanted to go out drinking under age etc.

BTW if you get him metal figures in the future you can strip them and paint them all over again - won't that be fun

LowFatMilkshake · 10/02/2007 15:06

Not realy got n opion on whether warhamme is "war-like" but...if you want to do potting and he wants to do painting woolies has some garden ornaments and pots that need painting - hey presto you could make the swap from war to gardening in one simple activity!

pointydog · 10/02/2007 15:06

Well done, nappies. It was a tough job but someone had to do it, sir!

BuffysMum · 10/02/2007 15:11

Also have to add the 40k are so horrid to paint dp refuses to do them (paints on commission) so you really do deserve a medal!

franca70 · 10/02/2007 15:21

well done nappies. I liked your post.

FluffyMummy123 · 10/02/2007 15:24

Message withdrawn

ShowOfHands · 10/02/2007 15:40

My DH paints Warhammer models and has done from a very young age with his two brothers. He also played soldiers as a child, built forts and has always read sci-fi/fantasy and comics. He also plays strategy games and loves Risk.

I am a pacifist and always worried about how I would approach the situation if a child of mine wanted to play these sorts of games/read these sorts of things. As DH points out, he finds real war totally abhorrent and in no way accepts violence as a solution to any situation, what he enjoys is fantasy. He does have a terrific imagination, a great sense of strategy and a real interest in fantasy (including fairies!). I stand by and watch my DH and 2 BILs who have grown up enjoying this kind of play as they go paintballing and accept that while I may not like the war aspect of it, they are just enjoying themselves, being active and creative. FWIW, BIL1 is a ballet dancer and BIL2 is a hippy travelling the world in a VW Camper and are two of the calmest, happiest, pacifistic men you could ever wish to meet.

Yes, given a free choice I would rather my future sons didn't want to play pretend wars but I have come to think that they probably will do this anyway and it is entirely feasible that they can have a healthy imagination and a firm grasp of reality with no propensity to blur the two.

mytwopenceworth · 10/02/2007 15:47

erm. are you giving me attitude. attitude.

attitude indeed