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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is he a lying cheating scum bag?

31 replies

likehazeleyes · 24/10/2016 21:48

I recently found emails on my husbands phone from a girl overseas that he met over 15 years ago as a teenager in a chat room. The emails themselves were fine besides the 'hey you' subject box. But suddenly I noticed my husband had sent her two separate links to songs asking her to listen to the lyrics. Both of which were basically love songs about missing and loving someone they can't have. He's never met her and he claims he was drunk and has no idea why he sent them. Should I be as hurt and upset and cross as I am or just get over it? Should I trust him when he says there's nothing to it?

OP posts:

lilyboleyn · 24/10/2016 22:08

I think:
She's 'safe' to him. There's no chance of them meeting, or of a genuine sexual relationship happening, so she's a living fantasy. Responsive wank fodder, if you will. He probably doesn't think it's even cheating, seeing as nothing physical will come of it.

LemonSqueezy0 · 24/10/2016 23:10

If it crosses a line for you then it's a step too far, it doesn't matter if some people wouldn't be bothered by it.. . He's not respecting you or your marriage and you don't have to put up with it.

AnyFucker · 24/10/2016 23:16

Of course there is "something" to it

I would end my marriage for this

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 24/10/2016 23:45

Sounds like it's a definite emotional crutch, I'd go as far as to say emotional affair. I wouldn't be happy with him speaking to her, not one bit - especially when drunk.

Dontpanicpyke · 24/10/2016 23:50

Anyone telling another person to 'listen to the lyrics' is cringe.

He has to apologise and never contact her again.

AnyFucker, you always say LTB.

MsPavlichenko · 25/10/2016 00:45

Yes. He is.

JoJoSM2 · 25/10/2016 00:47

I'd be very upset. Has he been distant emotionally?

TaterTots · 25/10/2016 00:51

It seems very odd to me. It might not be physically 'cheating', but why would you send love songs to someone who isn't your wife?

38cody · 25/10/2016 00:51

I wouldn't leave him over it but would make sure he felt like a pathetic wanker. Make him cringe, tell him to read the lyrics aloud, make him PAY! Twat!

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 25/10/2016 01:06

The sad tosser is engaging in a pathetic adolescent fantasy of what might have been.That's the attraction, it can't go anywhere.

Certainly it's insensitive and disrespectful,but he's hardly marriage ending material unless there's other issues.

Bogeyface · 25/10/2016 01:16

I am always of the opinion that any relationship (or interaction within a relationship) that is hidden from a partner is cheating. Whether that is emotional or sexual, if you dont want your partner to know then thats because its wrong.

Did he hide these emails? If not then it sounds like drunken "Oh what if...." that is no real threat although Iwould insist on stopping contact between them. If he did and is getting stroppy about then you have your answer.

As for whether you are BU for feeling how you do, your feelings are yours and you are entitled to feel them so no YANBU.

HappydaysArehere · 25/10/2016 02:30

What an idiot. Sounds juvenile which is what most men are. Just tell him to cut that kind of thing right out or else...No more contact. By the way did she answer? She could be thinking "what the hell...". After all she is probably in a relationship of her own.

Could be he realises he has been a stupid idiot. It's hurtful. That is the trouble but try not to let it grow into something bigger than it is.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 25/10/2016 02:38

Sounds juvenile which is what most men are. Just tell him to cut that kind of thing right out or else.

Seriously? Wow - a tad infantilising don't you think?

You can ASK someone to stop doing something and make it clear it's a deal breaker but one adult in a relationship cannot tell the other what to do! And 'most men' are juvenile?

Wow. Just wow.

OhFuckOff · 25/10/2016 05:47

I'm with anyfucker this would be it for me.

AnyFucker · 25/10/2016 06:24

Pyke, in these situations, you betcha

I could have no respect for someone as pathetic as this. Deceit, cringeworthy teenage behaviour, emotional affairs, paying the kind of attention to other women that I wouldn't even want for myself

All deal breakers. I know where my boundaries lie.

Nataleejah · 25/10/2016 06:45

I have a male friend like this in the USA. Been chatting over various platforms since i was 16. Sometimes he does get carried away. To his wife -- i pose no risk. I have never met him, most likely never will. And no slightest interest to do so. If he's unhappy with you, then you have another issue

Dontpanicpyke · 25/10/2016 06:46

AnyFucker take your point with this idiot

HappyDays most men arnt juvenile actually.

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 25/10/2016 06:51

Ending a marriage solely for this would be ridiculous, and I really don't think any of us can make that judgment on the basis of the very limited facts available in the OP.

AnyFucker · 25/10/2016 06:59

There is nothing "ridiculous" about deciding that your husband demonstrating a romantic attachment to OW is not something you are prepared to tolerate

Dontpanicpyke · 25/10/2016 07:02

I would find the 'listen to the lyrics' very hard to swallow

Nataleejah · 25/10/2016 07:10

Romantic attachment constitutes of two music links? Are you 13?

WinterIsHereJon · 25/10/2016 07:11

I would ditch him, no question. It is chearing.

shovetheholly · 25/10/2016 07:28

This definitely sound like some kind of emotional affair. It's not as clear-cut as sexual cheating. I know women for whom this was the end (this includes me), but in those cases the relationship was very far from perfect anyway. I know others where the couple has worked through the issues - painful, difficult, but possible - and come out the other side. In these cases the relationships tended to be stronger and there was a trigger factor at work, e.g. my friend's husband, who is normally brilliant, had a sudden bereavement and sent some foolish texts to a younger woman in the aftermath.

ghostwatch · 25/10/2016 07:34

It's sneaky isn't it and doing things like this is what starts affairs even if not intentional. I've been in this position and it did lead to my boyfriend having an affair. He needed an ego boost but it went too far. I agree that a lot of men in my experience can be juvenile that's why we end up going round picking their socks and pants up off the floor. We separated for a year but got back together and working things out. I recognised that I wasn't being the best girlfriend at the time and had to also take my responsibility in things. It sounds like you have caught this in time. I would suggest couple counciling to find the route of the problem. Hope this helps x

Goingtobeawesome · 25/10/2016 07:39

It is emotional cheating and it is only for you to decide if you agree and it means game over. It's your life and marriage, no one else's. Don't be forced into a quick decision be it staying or going and do whatever you need to not stay stuck in this feeling. Take care of yourself.

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