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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Not smoking in the house?

110 replies

SmokeySmokerson · 24/10/2016 20:21

I've changed for this as I can anticipate the response. That should say enough about how long I've been around here.

DP and I are both smokers, have been since we met a few years ago.

Yesterday after a heavy night and on a hangover DP decided unilaterally, with no discussion that he was giving up smoking. He then TOLD me I had to smoke outside from now on.

I fully support his desire to give up if that's what he wants. I'm not there right now, I have some other things I want to focus on first in terms of self improvement.

But again, this was completely out of the blue.

It is the coldest time of the year. I had no say. But in an attempt to assist I have been going out by the back door of a very small open plan house to try and help him.

Today I went to go out and it was raining, I said, I'm not going right out, it's raining. He said 'so go outside the front under the fucking porch then'. And that point I bit back and said 'so go get ready and go out for your fucking work meal then'. I did then go out the front.

He then got ready and stormed out telling me how horrible I was. I did try and apologise for being rude.

AIBU? I'm frustrated that I can't sit in front of my TV in my warm house and have a fag?

I understand him wanting to give up, but to be told I have to go outside with no discussion at the coldest time of the year is just fucking me off frankly.

OP posts:
Mozfan1 · 25/10/2016 13:11

navy is right is there more things op? Has he been acting funny with you before this? Flowers

TirednessIsComing · 25/10/2016 13:13

Definitely more to this than the smoking. He is being a cunt to do that by text. I'd be smoking away now in that case...

Original poster
SmokeySmokerson · 25/10/2016 13:28

He doesn't argue/discuss. He sulks, won't talk, will then text when he's left the house - usually this sort of stuff. Usually gets over it in 24/48 hrs, but it is exhausting to live with. I'm a talker. Get it all out, communicate ffs, then make a plan, move forwards, and put it behind you.

There are other low level things. We need to eat more healthily, drink less, lose weight (me much less so though I admit I'm not overly happy with my current size 12 rather than 8/10).

All are things we say we need to work, but take few steps at sometimes. But he can't blame me for it all.

He suffers with anxiety as well. I suspect a heavy weekend on the booze, plus stopping smoking just like that has sent him into a spin.

But I don't beg anyone to stay.

OP posts:
Original poster
SmokeySmokerson · 25/10/2016 13:30

I'm having a fag on the sofa. But I'll air the house for a good few hours before he gets back out of respect.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 25/10/2016 13:30

Sounds like you're well rid tbh

Whocansay · 25/10/2016 13:37

I don't smoke, but I think he is unreasonable to arbitrarily tell you that you can't smoke in your own home.

I was going to suggest you have a designated smoking room. Although, as you say, it's moot now. And he sounds like a twat. Well rid.

Original poster
SmokeySmokerson · 25/10/2016 14:08

Thanks to those posters who pointed out I wasn't asking about how horrible it is to smoke inside, or at all. It's our home, it was our choice. My post wasn't initially about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
SmokeySmokerson · 25/10/2016 14:21

Seems he's still set on splitting.

Apparently I'll be happier. No idea why considering I loved him and wanted to marry him.

He's gone into tail spin and I don't know how to get him out of it.

OP posts:
CannotEvenDeal · 25/10/2016 14:26

So was the smoking thing an 'out' basically?

CannotEvenDeal · 25/10/2016 14:26

Sounds quite cowardly on his part tbh

hellsbellsmelons · 25/10/2016 14:37

I wouldn't bother trying to 'get him out of it'
I also there is more to this but if he has form for this then let him go.
I would text and tell him I'll help him pack.
I also think it's totally gross to smoke indoors but if it's what you've always done and it's YOUR house then he does not get to 'tell you' you can't do it anymore.
He sounds like an asshole!
(I'm a smoker by the way)

Original poster
SmokeySmokerson · 25/10/2016 15:23

I don't agree with the MY HOUSE bit. Not at all. I mean my head says it, but he moved heaven and earth and 300 miles to be here with me. So I would never put that over. It's not fair nor right.

He is a wonderful man 95% of the time. Loves me, has supported me. We both have failings we need to work on.

It's just he has a tendency to decide we need to do X, most I agree with. And in this case we weren't on the same page at the same time. And I felt dictated to.

And now his reaction to arguments has made things tailspin.

Sigh.

OP posts:
Peanutandphoenix · 25/10/2016 17:48

Mygiddyuncle no I don't include kids on that and calleighdoodle you may think that my attitude is revolting but when I go and see my family they ask me to smoke outside and I respect that and go outside and they respect my decision to smoke inside when I'm at home and they come and see respect love cuts both ways.

PurplePidjin · 25/10/2016 18:22

He's gone into tail spin and I don't know how to get him out of it.

He's a grown adult. You don't. You have a cosy fag on your nice warm sofa and tell him to piss off until he's ready to act like a partner not a spoiled brat

Whocansay · 25/10/2016 18:30

Ah. He's trying to manipulate you into doing what he says. I hope you tell him to fuck off.

TirednessIsComing · 25/10/2016 19:17

Well you know how he will always react, he's very high maintenance in that respect. Is that what you want?

Having a tendency suggests this isn't a one off and would be something you'd be stuck with. Unless you refuse to be.

maddiemookins16mum · 25/10/2016 19:41

I smoke (not a huge amount, but I do), and to be honest have smoked indoors (but not for years). It's vile, everything stinks, coats in the hall, towels in the bathroom, curtains, sofa etc. I go outside (big garden with area at the bottom away from neighbours windows and I have metal container filled with sand). It works for me and it makes you smoke less. It's a good time to start as I smoke less now than I did before.
I nearly went into a vape shop today.

Strawberry90 · 25/10/2016 20:55

Agree he's trying to manipulate you.

Although maybe you do want different things. Can you go on a health kick together when this is all over - at your doing not his? Sounds like it's needed if you bring out the worst in each other (smoking, heavy drinking, etc) rather than best.

Strawberry90 · 25/10/2016 20:59

Ps if people have a tendency to behave a certain way I find it helps to call out their next move Smile leaves them with no option but to act differently!

E.g. E.g. During fight say 'You're going to storm out now and ignore my calls for the next [] hours' makes them feel silly then if they do it

Gottagetmoving · 25/10/2016 21:07

The smoking thing is an excuse I think. He wants out and needs a 'reason'

I smoke a few cigs but I always go outside,...even if it's raining and I really want one.
Since I started going outside years ago, it has helped me smoke less and less. I smoked a lot more when I smoked indoors I can't imagine having smoke in the house now.

BolivarAtasco · 25/10/2016 21:15

I used to smoke in the house. DH, who smoked now and again, decided to give up completely (and to his credit, has stuck with it), but asked if I wouldn't mind smoking outside.

We have no porch so this has translated to me standing in the doorway with the back door open, which I am actually fine with. I don't smoke much and he has said he can cope if the smell drifts in a bit. Mostly, unless it's actually raining, I tend to stand outside the door anyway. He's never complained about it and as it's my house as much as his, he would never try to forbid me completely.

DaisyRaine90 · 13/10/2017 09:12

YABU he could have gone about it a better way, but even when I smoke I can’t stand being in a house where people do. When I’ve quit for periods (especially long periods) the smell has been dreadful on other people, let alone furnishings etc. If you ever have children in the house it’s definitely U.

MagentaRocks · 13/10/2017 09:17

ZOMBIE THREAD

This thread is a year old. I expect it is sorted now.

maddiemookins16mum · 13/10/2017 09:18

He is unreasonable for springing it on you, I wonder if this new desire to stop will disappear once the hangover has gone (I've sworn to give up many a time when hungover).
You know yourself smoking indoors is horrid, you don't need us to tell you. We smoke, DP more than me, luckily we have a big garden with a sheltered area at least 10 metres from the house (with a sand bucket too). Only ever smoke there, it's the rule.
We smoke 50% less in the winter months, too dark, too cold and too wet. It also pays for Christmas.

maddiemookins16mum · 13/10/2017 09:19

GRRRRRR.