AIBU - Not smoking in the house?

[SmokeySmokerson]

I've changed for this as I can anticipate the response. That should say enough about how long I've been around here.

DP and I are both smokers, have been since we met a few years ago.

Yesterday after a heavy night and on a hangover DP decided unilaterally, with no discussion that he was giving up smoking. He then TOLD me I had to smoke outside from now on.

I fully support his desire to give up if that's what he wants. I'm not there right now, I have some other things I want to focus on first in terms of self improvement.

But again, this was completely out of the blue.

It is the coldest time of the year. I had no say. But in an attempt to assist I have been going out by the back door of a very small open plan house to try and help him.

Today I went to go out and it was raining, I said, I'm not going right out, it's raining. He said 'so go outside the front under the fucking porch then'. And that point I bit back and said 'so go get ready and go out for your fucking work meal then'. I did then go out the front.

He then got ready and stormed out telling me how horrible I was. I did try and apologise for being rude.

AIBU? I'm frustrated that I can't sit in front of my TV in my warm house and have a fag?

I understand him wanting to give up, but to be told I have to go outside with no discussion at the coldest time of the year is just fucking me off frankly.

I agree with the YABUs I'm afraid. There really isn't any excuse for smoking these days, and why on earth wouldn't you want to help your DH do the right thing?

It's extremely difficult to give up, and that's made a million times harder by there being another smoker about, cold turkey and no access to cigarettes is key to success.

I gave up the day my DH decided he would - I needed a push, and knew it had to be both of us or it wouldn't work. I'm so glad he made that decision.

I gave up because I couldn't be arsed getting cold and wet anymore. The way he told you is a bit unreasonable but look upon it as an opportunity to cut down.

Although I'm an ex smoker of two years we never smoked indoors anyway so cant really comment on that bit but I would say that compromising is always good and as someone who gave up after years of smoking,having support is always helpful.
If my dh had of insisted on smoking around me whilst I was trying my best to give up I wouldn't be too impressed with him at all.
That moral and practical support can make or break a decision to give up for someone.
Think of how much he will save and how much healthier he will be?you should really want to positively support his decision not hinder it.
If it was the other way round how would you feel if he wasn't being very positive or supportive of your choices??

I don't think UABU. Contrary to what people believe, you don't have to be a dickhead when you give up smoking. It's hard but not an excuse to be an arse. You both have an addiction .... you shouldn't expect uncompromising support from another addict.

I think smoking outside is a good habit for you to get into. But when the weather is foul than you should be able to sit by/hang your head out a window/smoke by an open door. Your op indicates you have several issues and you're not ready to tackle smoking yet. Respect is a two way street, with you are accommodating your dp by changing where you smoke, he should meet you half way.

OP can I ask is the house your own or jointly owned?

Interesting thread, it's like a philosophical dilemma! I'd say YANBU, but I would still smoke outside. Mainly because I like to have the moral high ground As someone said up thread, don't give him the chance to make it your fault if he fails. (Also, it is the right thing to do, you love him and want to support etc etc). If he starts smoking again don't let him revert back to smoking inside!

Well said peanut

Yanbu to be frustrated but this is something you need to both be in together. It's fucking awful trying to quit and to support him yes I would personally go outside. It's shit I know. A few years back I was stood shivering in the snow longing to be with my computer and coffee. But supporting is very important and also not being his reason he can't quit.

Some compromise needs to be had but I wonder if he thinks if he compromises then eventually it will end with you back in the house smoking and him smoking again.

He was being unreasonable to snap as were you but if you are frustrated then imagine how he feels going through withdrawal.

I don't think you should quit until you are ready and this should have been a discussion with him saying to you 'can you smoke outside from now on, if it's inside the house then I just can't quit.' So not the best communication but you should support him now.

Good tip is to get a massive golf brolly and if you have somewhere outside to sit then make it your area. I had a smoking den round the side of the house, used to sit in there with an outside heater I poached when my cousins (also smokers) came over.

I don't think peanut is selfish it's her house! Her family chose to go there. If I was one of them I wouldn't chose to go there, I'd meet at a pub between us or restaurant or invite her over. If she chose not to come then we've both made our choices.

I despise smoking but I can see your frustration, having this thrust upon you instead of a decision or compromise.

I also agree with PPs that indoor smoking is horrible. My DM smokes very heavily and even though they have a massive house, the whole thing reeks of smoke and dogs. I also have a feeling that Peanut is my DM as she'd say exactly the same!

Is there anyway you could turn this into a positive and maybe take is as an opportunity to cut down, and live a healthier life together?

I'm an ex-smoker too. It's difficult for you and I can almost hear the fear and panic in your post alongside the anger. It's almost like you've been 'betrayed', isn't it? It's all a bit raw and real to you at the moment and I completely understand.

What everyone else has said about smoking doesn't need to be said again so I won't. Your husband may well stick to his resolve (and I hope he does) but that will mean that there's now a bit of a gulf between you as the two sides are polar opposites. He's not going to back down on this so you'll have to put the smoking inside out of your head now.

Some people who smoke have a separate coat/jumper that they wear for smoking and they leave it away from other clothes. It might be an idea for you to have some sort of warm thing to put on for smoking. Better to think about this now because ex-smokers can be very vehement about the habit they've dropped and others still do - I know that's also a fear of yours.

Smoke outside as a given now and have a conversation with your husband about how the two of you will manage this so that you don't fall out.

Just also wanted to say that I really liked CraicDealer's post, very funny and supportive.

Maybe he's hoping that by making you smoke outside you might actually give up smoking altogether.
And then you'll notice how smokers' houses stink.

Yabu. Smoking inside is grim. It must be so unpleasant for any visitors you have.

Not sure why people are being mean to the OP. She didn't come on to ask if her house smells. Personally I think if you have a pet then your house probably smells, but I wouldn't bang on about it!

When people smoke outside, it wafts into the houses of others and makes their homes stink too. I can't stand our neighbours going into their garden for a fag because I have to close all the windows to stop our house reeking of fag smoke.

If you're going to smoke and you don't have kids, keep it within your own house instead of spreading the joy to others. As pp have suggested, maybe a certain room where out would be acceptable for you both?

House is in my name only. I don't factor that into the argument though because he lives here too. And I certainly didn't, and wouldn't, say anything of the kind to him.

I'm not saying I won't smoke outside, near the door. I will support him. I just wanted him to understand that his decision to impose this on me suddenly should also be expected to cause me a level of frustration.

Might be a moot point now. He hasn't talked to me since he got back apart to text me that he doesn't want the same lifestyle as me and is moving out.

Also to note, when I have non smoking guests, I actually do always go by the door/outside.

How cruel to tell you by text.
I'm so sorry OP

Op really sorry to hear that. What an arse to text you that. You smoke wherever you like in your own property my dear, don't let him bully you.

Oh what a tosspot

Well he sounds like a right arse anyway so best rid of him.

Anyone who says they are leaving by text is a twat, completely independent of the smoking issue, which now looks like a thing he concocted to mess you around.

I think you will be well rid...

I'm sorry you may lose your relationship over this. Bloody awful to do this by text.