Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

AIBU - Not smoking in the house?

110 replies

SmokeySmokerson · 24/10/2016 20:21

I've changed for this as I can anticipate the response. That should say enough about how long I've been around here.

DP and I are both smokers, have been since we met a few years ago.

Yesterday after a heavy night and on a hangover DP decided unilaterally, with no discussion that he was giving up smoking. He then TOLD me I had to smoke outside from now on.

I fully support his desire to give up if that's what he wants. I'm not there right now, I have some other things I want to focus on first in terms of self improvement.

But again, this was completely out of the blue.

It is the coldest time of the year. I had no say. But in an attempt to assist I have been going out by the back door of a very small open plan house to try and help him.

Today I went to go out and it was raining, I said, I'm not going right out, it's raining. He said 'so go outside the front under the fucking porch then'. And that point I bit back and said 'so go get ready and go out for your fucking work meal then'. I did then go out the front.

He then got ready and stormed out telling me how horrible I was. I did try and apologise for being rude.

AIBU? I'm frustrated that I can't sit in front of my TV in my warm house and have a fag?

I understand him wanting to give up, but to be told I have to go outside with no discussion at the coldest time of the year is just fucking me off frankly.

OP posts:

GladAllOver · 24/10/2016 21:53

Do you actually want him to give up?
It's very hard to do so anyway, and when someone else is smoking in the same room it must be impossible.
Yabu.

Stormwhale · 24/10/2016 21:57

Smoking anywhere is pretty grim, but smoking indoors is rank. I do feel that he has been unfair though as there was no conversation about it. If he had said to you that he was wanting to quit and asked if you would mind going outside from now on to give him the best chance, I doubt you would be so pissed off about it.

Be aware that you will smell disgusting to him now though. I quit years ago, but dp took a lot longer to get there. When he smoked and I didn't (he went outside btw) he smelt vile to me. It was a big turn off actually. He started brushing his teeth after a fag because otherwise I just didn't want to kiss him.

BowieFan · 24/10/2016 22:05

Stormwhale

Of course it's usually impulsive decisions that actually stick. Mine was impulsive - I woke up one day and thought "Fuck this, I'm sick of standing in the rain at parties, I'm sick of spending all day at school waiting for a fag" etc and I decided there and then to just quit. 17 years later, I've only smoked once and that was in September of last year when my very close friend died suddenly. I smoked an entire packet of 20 that day. Haven't touched them since and have had no urge to.

DP was impulsive as well - he quit and hasn't touched one since that day. He's replaced his fags with chewing gum, which is far better in the long run and less of a drain on finances.

WinterIsHereJon · 24/10/2016 22:07

I think you should take on board his request. If he succeeds it's to the benefit of the whole family, both financially and health wise. If smoking outside makes it easier for him to quit then I think you have a responsibility to him to do that.

TheCraicDealer · 24/10/2016 22:16

I agree with you in some respects- you used to both be in it together, like a little smoky island. Now he's changing the goalposts, the bastard, and just when it's getting cold and wet. However (and I know I'm a dick for pointing this out), smoking is bad for you, it's smelly, highly addictive and it's so hard to stay on the wagon. If he was trying to quit, I dunno, jazzercise or watching Walking Dead I'd be agreeing it's not fair on you instilling his choice on you. But his "ban" of smoking in the house might be the best thing for the both of you and could help you cut down. Would you consider getting a vape thing for inside? I know of two really heavy smokers who have both been off the fags for over 18 months using them.

here's a cuppa. Not allowed a fag to go with though

GladAllOver · 24/10/2016 22:24

I also think that you should cut him a bit of slack if he seems abrupt or rude about it. The withdrawal symptoms can be very stressful - for you both.

CalleighDoodle · 24/10/2016 22:56

Now ive seen you dont have children i think yanbu. Purely because my neighbour smokes outside her house and the bastard smoke COMES IN TO MY HOUSE!!!!

Smoking is a disgusting habit that negatively impacts on random people near you. So a disgusting and selfish habit. Keep it in your house only!

Eevee77 · 24/10/2016 23:25

He is BU to spring this on you with no discussion. But honestly, smoking indoors is utterly grim. I know a lot of smokers, some who have been smoking 40+ years, and not a single one of them smoke in their house. It's dirty, smelly and revolting and if he's trying to give up it will be impossible for him.

AyeAmarok · 24/10/2016 23:32

YABU.

You shouldn't be smoking indoors. Go and stand outside. Or don't smoke.

e1y1 · 25/10/2016 04:15

YADBU for smoking indoors. DH smokes (and I used to) but we NEVER have smoked in the house. It really does wreck your house and seep into your clothes more (when we visit my DM we have to shower and wash clothes when we get home, even DH who is a smoker).

It could be 6ft of snow, if DH wants a fag, he will still go outside.

However YANBU to want to continue smoking indoors as it's an agreement you both reached previously.

Could you perhaps compromise? Say when he is at home (and it's dry) go outside, when he is out or when it's really bad weather, smoke indoors. Don't know what to suggest really.

Peanutandphoenix · 25/10/2016 04:32

I think he's bu he can't suddenly decide that he's quitting smoking and ban you from smoking in your own home tell him to stop being a precious knob. I think you should come to a compromise and you smoke in one room in the house. I smoke and I stay in doors and smoke even when I have people round and they are none smokers because it's my home and I'll do what I damn well please and if you don't like either stump up the money to pay my rent or leave am not pandering to none smokers. And all you pp's who are berating her for smoking indoors it's her home she can do what she wants and she wasn't asking to be told how disgusting it is to smoke indoors.

Pluto30 · 25/10/2016 04:36

Peanut I mean, cool, but you're being awfully selfish for insisting that people either put up with you imposing cancer-inducing smoke on them or leave. Your home or not, that's seriously bad hospitality.

user1477282676 · 25/10/2016 05:11

As an ex smoker (and one who understands the addiction well) you have no moral grounds in this.

He has the right to clean air.

You don't have the right to sully his air.

Go outside. Get an umbrella.

toopeoply · 25/10/2016 05:13

Smoking indoors is revolting. Your sofa, clothes, towels, washing, everything will stink. However he can't dictate to you and should have asked for your support kindly.

Peanutandphoenix · 25/10/2016 05:49

Ploto30 how am I being selfish it's only ever my family that come to visit me and if they didn't like my smoking they don't have to come and see me it's my choice to smoke just like it's your choice not to smoke and I'm not going to stand outside just because my family are round sorry if that makes me selfish but it's my home and I pay the rent so it's my choice.

KoalaDownUnder · 25/10/2016 05:53

YABU

I used to be a smoker, and live in a house with about 5 smokers. We all huddled outside for a fag in the cold English winter, so I know what it's like. But smoking inside is foul.

It is hard enough to quit without someone smoking inside, where you can't escape it.

CalleighDoodle · 25/10/2016 07:55

Peanut your attitude is more revolting than your habit. So your family know that they have to either inhale your smoke or not see you? Wow. What a choice they have to make. I wonder if they feel as loved to you as the cancer sticks.

BakeOffBiscuits · 25/10/2016 08:05

Think of it another way. If he was overweight and went on a diet for health reasons, and asked you not to bring any sugary crap into the house, would you sit there eating a donut every few hours?
You should support him. And bear in mind he's going to be extremely grumpy for a while whilst he tries to stop, so you have to make allowances. Well my dh was anyway (I almost told him to go and buy a pkt of fags several times when he was quitting) It's quite a trying time for all concerned.

Naicehamshop · 25/10/2016 08:13

Irrespective of how vile smoking is, he doesn't have the right to make unilateral decisions about what you both do in your house. I think you should sit down and have a chat about this, hopefully reaching some kind of compromise like smoking in the spare room with the door shut.

Yawnyawnallday · 25/10/2016 08:21

I supported my Mum's smoking choices. Never lectured her. Always found her the best spots to smoke when we were out and about. Back in the day, sat in smoking areas with her.
Currently watching her dying of lung cancer. She gave up after 60 years of smoking after my dd was born because she finally realised she had to. Sorry if this has caused upset in your house but if my mum (former chain smoker) can give up, you can. Never realised how much I stank of fags until I left home.
Dying of lung cancer is fucking horrible. As is watching someone you love die. I wish I'd had a massive row with her about it to make her stop earlier.

MyGiddyUncle · 25/10/2016 08:25

Peanut your attitude is more revolting than your habit

Yes, second this. It doesn't matter if it's your house, you should still be a decent host when people are visiting you.

Do you include kids in that? So relatives come to visit with young kids and you'd still smoke away indoors all over them?

NavyandWhite · 25/10/2016 08:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurplePidjin · 25/10/2016 08:37

Aren't pretty much all rentals non-smoking now? So it's not their own house peanut is fucking up, it's someone else's

Loaferloveforyou · 25/10/2016 08:42

When my old housemate quit it was a given I would go outside to smoke from then on. No question about it. Didn't even discuss it.

Looking back now I cannot believe we ever smoked inside. Recently went to a family members house who is an inside smoker and it was gross. Couldn't wait to get outside in the fresh air and actually went outside to smoke.

I am a smoker and sometimes would love nothing more than a cup of coffee and a fag in front of the TV, but I don't because (a) my DP doesn't smoke which isn't fair on him and (b) my home is a lot nicer by not having cigarette smoke clogging up the air.

For what it's worth I think YABU, he wants to quit and as a partnership this should be supported. You say you aren't ready to quit but you will be someday and this will go some way to help you. I think the positives of going outside far outweigh the negatives although I completely get where you are coming from.

MiddleAgeMiddleEngland · 25/10/2016 08:46

I grew up in a smoking household. It was revolting, I remember as a small child not wanting to go into the living room. My Dad quit when we refused to be cuddled by him. Gave up there and then and never looked back.

I'm afraid I agree with your DH, OP.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread