AIBU to expect hubby to come yo bed at same time at least 4 nights of the week?

[ilovecakeandbiscuits]

We have been together for almost 10 years, married for 5. And for the last 5 years or so we go to bed at seperate times. I usually go to be between 9.30pm and 10pm on week days and get up around 7am or when the kids wake.

Hubby goes to bed between 10 and 11pm and gets up 6.20am on week days.

I feel we are drifting apart and have asked him to come to bed at same time at least 4 4 nights a week but he refuses and will only come to bed if he thinks he will get some action.

I miss the closeness and communication that we use to have from just going to bed at same time - we use to spend half hour before going to sleep just chatting and cuddling (and often dtd)

It always ends up with an argument when i ask him to come to bed.

Do you think i am being unreasonable in asking him to join me?

I used to be like this because I had anxiety-related insomnia and literally used to panic if I tried to sleep alone. I knew I was being unreasonable and it did cause some arguments because DH likes to stay up a bit later than me - however he was very supportive and tried to help me most of the time!

We reached a sort of compromise whereby I would stay up a little later than I wished, then I would go to bed and read for a bit (so he could stay up and have a bit of time to himself) and then he'd come upstairs. Could you reach a similar compromise? Good luck.

The bedtime thing wouldn't be an issue if he actually spent time with you in the evenings, but I think there's a compromise to be made here.

Not everyone is big on cuddling up on the sofa - DP loves it but I hate it. I get too hot, he fidgets a lot so it's not very comfortable, and the kitten wedges herself in there somewhere and it's just not the cosy image he sees it as! Could you sit at opposite ends but have your feet on his lap, for example?

WRT to the talking thing, maybe he's just happy having some time alone in the evening? I think if these things are forced, they're not enjoyable and you start to resent it. I know if I was told I had to sit and have a chat with DP three nights a week, regardless of how I felt, I'd feel pretty controlled and pissed off by it.

It's a tough one. He needs to put more effort in, but you need to try and relax a bit and just spend time with him without wanting a full-on chat all the time. And you can't expect him to go to bed at 9.30pm!

YABU.

Going to bed at the same time isn't in the marriage vows!

I would rather sleep on the sofa than be forced to go to bed.

Having now read your other posts, I don't think this is about bedtimes at all really. It goes deeper doesn't it.

I used to love it when x partner came to bed after me, meant I got the bed to myself longer and could fall asleep easier --and not have to bother having sex

Can't think why I'm single!

You sound a bit needy and also hate to say it boring OP. Do you work out of the home?

I absolutely hated being told when to go to bed.

You sound a bit needy and also hate to say it boring OP. Do you work out of the home?

Wow, so patronising and rude!

He's the one banging on about mountain biking all the time.

Sorry but being obsessed with going to bed at the same time and how it has always been early doesn't exactly sound a laugh a minute- I know life isn't always but why not do things differently be a bit adventurous

I think you've got to learn to reconnect - you've two very young children and now your marriage needs a little tlc to repair the war wounds from raising babies.
Stop pushing the bedtime thing. It sounds as though you were only
Close before in your marriage because you did the same thing at the same time. You need to find a new way because ypur sleeping will not change for a while as he needs to destress in eve and you need to get to bed to cope with children waking up.
Start a conversation with him about a proper topic 'what do you think about'.., 'have you seen' 'what's the best hol you've been on' 'tell me about your day'? Proper talk - at any time of day not just pre bed
Cuddle in bed once a week in eves - it's more than reasonable to ask him to come and do that
He's pushing you away in eve by stonewalling etc by saying don't sit with me and let's not do the couple thing of going to bed at the same time like we used to - you need to find out why - is he cross with you about something else?
You need to explain to him you feel you're drifting apart and you feel unloved in the evenings and see what he says

I think you are getting a raw deal from a lot of posters here.
I'm in the same position as you op but my dh will stay up to watch porn instead of coming to bed!
You are certainly not needy or boring for waiting some closeness with your dh and it seems that he is blocking most of your efforts.

@ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed thanks for understanding... havent read all of the posts from the last few hours but there are certainly quite a few really nasty comments.
Sorry to hear your dh is watching porn instead of coming to bed... i bet mine is too!

Yes agree - comments too harsh - you are only expecting him to do what you used to do together and 9.30 a perfectly reasonable bedtime when you have little ones

couldn'tlove

Telling someone they're boring is just not on. How can you get that from an OP anyway? Not supportive or enlightening, just cruel.

And you clearly don't hate to say it. If you hated to say it you wouldn't have said it.

It's ridiculous and dictatorial to enforce someone else's bed time. Imagine if it was the other way round 'my husband demands I go to bed when he does, I have suggested we stay up together and he always falls asleep but is able to stay awake and have sex if we go to bed'
And just because someone has always done something doesn't mean they have always been happy to- maybe now he is simply asserting himself and letting you know he doesn't want to be dictated to

Couldntlove I think you have beaten on the op enough now. You have made your point.

couldn't love I have no problem with that. But don't you think the OP probably has a secret concern she is needy and boring - isn't that what anyone thinks if their spouse can't be bothered with them the way they used to? Well done for sticking the knife in and confirming it.

Or he could just be exercising his right to go to bed when he pleases, like an adult can

Can anyone come up with some useful ways to get him to talk then?! Forget about going to bed thing and help me with some useful comments instead of being just nasty with comments like 'you sound boring or needy' tbh people saying those horrible things without even knowing me personally are just nasty little trolls.

How can i get him to talk to me with no distractions, like the tv/tablet/phone etc. When laying in bed like he did before he use to open up about anything....its much easier to do that when the lights are off and is quiet as there is nothing there to take your mind off things.
Yes it might sound weird but there is nothing weirder than just sending some one you dont know nasty comments to get some kinda kick out of it. If you have nothing useful to say then dont bother commenting on here

I don't know you from Adam op I couldn't give two hoots when you go to bed so why would any of this give me a 'kick' fgs? Sorry but it sounds like DH could be bored of going to bed so early or fed up of being expected to go to bed when he's told to so is kicking off about it. You may just have to accept it's not what he wants from his evenings

I'm sympathetic to the OP. DP works shifts and sometimes might not in from work until 1am and then comes to bed around 1.30, but other times he's on earlies but is so knackered after a week of lates that he goes to bed at 8pm. If he doesn't, he's asleep on the sofa. I work earlies, so go to bed at 9.30 at the latest. It is difficult.What I particularly hate is when DP just disappears, and I think he's gone into the kitchen or something, but no, he's gone to bed without telling me. I go upstairs and find him asleep. You need to compromise if you can - you stay up later sometimes and he comes to bed earlier sometimes - that might get him off his tablet.

We rarely go to bed at the same time and if it was suggested I go at 9.30, I'd laugh.

Nonetheless, we have a brilliant marriage.

Give and take, op, give and take.

Have you actually sat him down and told him it upsets you that he seems more interested in his tablet/phone than having a conversation with you when you've agreed no media?

It's often surprising how much one person can be upset about something and the other is completely oblivious because it hasn't been spelt out to them.

But what do you want to talk to him about? You talk about "opening up"- maybe he has nothing he wants to say. Has your relationship reached the point where there isn't much to say, other than the daily exchange of news?

Maybe I'm in the minority here, but the bulk of adult conversation in our house is "what do you fancy for dinner, I must tell you about my stupid boss today, did the DCs get much homework, did you hear what neighbour X did?" It's not earth-shattering, it happens as we're pottering around the kitchen, we don't have to make an appointment to discuss it. FWIW, DH starts work at 6 and has just roused himself from snoring on the sofa to go to bed, as is his nightly habit. I'll head off in an hour or so.

In a busy household it can be easy for couples to drift apart. Bedtime is an important time for closeness and intimacy. I don't think its unreasonable to ask and explain that due to the family busy lives it's nice to have some time to put being a couple as a priority.

Of course he doesn't have to. But it seems undervaluing each other is a big reason for many break ups. It think I'd be compromising at 2/3 nights though.