AIBU to expect hubby to come yo bed at same time at least 4 nights of the week?

[ilovecakeandbiscuits]

We have been together for almost 10 years, married for 5. And for the last 5 years or so we go to bed at seperate times. I usually go to be between 9.30pm and 10pm on week days and get up around 7am or when the kids wake.

Hubby goes to bed between 10 and 11pm and gets up 6.20am on week days.

I feel we are drifting apart and have asked him to come to bed at same time at least 4 4 nights a week but he refuses and will only come to bed if he thinks he will get some action.

I miss the closeness and communication that we use to have from just going to bed at same time - we use to spend half hour before going to sleep just chatting and cuddling (and often dtd)

It always ends up with an argument when i ask him to come to bed.

Do you think i am being unreasonable in asking him to join me?

Hugely unreasonable. If another adult tried to make me go to bed at 9:30pm I'd be extremely bemused. And I'd tell them quite emphatically that I'm an adult who chooses her own bedtime on the basis of when I feel tired, not when someone else feels tired and wants me to do what suits them.

If your husband isn't tired until 11pm (a perfectly reasonable adult bedtime), what's he meant to do if you're going to bed to go to sleep - lie there and stare at the ceiling for an hour and a half?

At the moment I do ask DH to come up to bed within half an hour of me going upstairs with the baby. If he comes up later he wakes her up and then I end up going to sleep about an hour after I want to. When the baby is out of our room (in about a month) then we'll go back to each of us going to bed whenever we're ready. Sometimes that's the same time, sometimes it's not.

Agree with PP's idea of you compromising on a night each per week.

Then there's two problems here, not one.

He won't do things together in the evening, and wants to watch videos.

This is a separate problem from not coming to bed at the same time as you, and you need to separate them out.

@myownprivateidaho

I personally dont think he would be losing an hour as when i say go to bed i dont mean just to go straight to sleep. As i said previously qhen we have gone at same time we just end up chatting which sometimes leads to dtd.

@user1477282676 we have tried the couples night thing a few times and it always ends up with him wanting to either watch videos/read articles about mountain biking on the tablet. Even when we had agreed no technology at the start of the evening. When we have gone to bed in the past at same time that stuff just doesnt cause a distraction if you know what i mean

I don't think YABU OP. I had exactly the same with my OH, and it hurt that he'd prefer to play computer games, then be unable to get up in the morning and be knackered all day, rather than cuddle up with me.
I asked him to do it just one night a week but he wouldn't

I think he should compromise and come up once or twice, and you can maybe stay up late one night at the weekend.
And as an aside, does he ever get ultimate with the kids in the night or morning.....?

So it seems you want him to do all the compromising whilst you don't.

Sorry but I wouldn't be happy with another adult telling me when I can or can't go to bed.

YABU me and dh rarely go to bed at the same time, in fact if you go to bed to sleep there is no reason to go together.
If you have problems like lack of sex or communication these are quite separate as to what time you go to bed.
Neither of us go to bed before 12.00 so if someone was to suggest 9pm for bed we'd think they were mad.

@NorthernChinchilla im glad im not alone on this. really does hurt sometimes. He does sometimes get up with the boys but it is usually me like 80% of the time and the rest of the time i often have to literally push him out of bed to go see to them as he often sleeps through their noises

An adult going to bed at 9.30? Unbelievable. Yes you are being unreasonable, you go to bed ridiculously early and you can't seriously expect another adult to want to go to bed that early.
Having said that, I do understand your need for physical closeness, that clearly needs to be discussed.

Do you think there are relationship issues that perhaps need more work than a simultaneous bed time? Has your DH always disliked close contact?

I go to bed much earlier than DH but he always comes upstairs to "tuck me in" (not a euphemism btw) and sometimes he will sit with me on his phone until I go to sleep. Sometimes we watch a series on Netflix or TV together in bed which is nice as it's cosy. And we hold hands, god I sound so sad!

Would a compromise of something like that work? If you found a good series (we have just finished Narcos) it would also give you something to talk about other than the DC I remember when mine were that age. It's easy to just be in "parent" rather than "partner" mode but both of you have to remember this, not just you. He needs to, not necessarily "make an effort" but at least compromise and try to meet your needs if you are doing the same:

I have to admit I can't stand cuddling up on the sofa either. I get u comfy, too hot and generally just like my own space. We sometimes chat in the evening, sometimes watch telly or DP watches something on the telly whilst I read or watch something on the laptop or vice versa. Our relationship doesn't suffer for this.

It sounds like you have other issues that don't really revolved around your bedtime to be honest.

But if you can't keep awake as you would fall asleep on the sofa, then what is the point in him coming to bed with you. You say you want to talk and cuddles, but then say you can't stay awake?

You then say he will come up if he thinks there is a chance of dtd, well do you not communicate that you want to DTD?

There is nothing worse than mixed messages

Or going to bed early they other person going to sleep and your not tired - just bored.

Added to that I guess thinking mixed messages about dtd

Gosh that last bit sounded a bit dictatorial sorry, it wasn't meant to be!

Well I'm afraid to say I "dictated my exh's bedtime" one upon a time! Except I didn't, I told him I missed us both going to bed at the same time (I neeeed sleep), he agreed and so he used to come to bed with em. Then I'd fall asleep and he'd get back up again to play on the computer or do whatever it is he used to do until whenever he came to bed. So YANBU, totally, you can ask. Would be be up for it once in a while perhaps? For you?

I absolutely LOVE bedtime with a partner, it's like my favourite time to be in a relationship; talking about each other's day, planning for the future, silly, sleepy little conversations with cuddles; I really think some people can only do that in bed! ...but if your other half's not keen, he's not keen. I'm sad for you though, I couldn't do without it, and you'd think you could come to some sort of arrangement maybe once or twice a week.

God, so many typos. Also worth noting it isn't because I'm a horrible controlling cow who "dictated his bedtime" that he is my EX h.

@iavykaty44
When he has come to bed at same time... i dont fall asleep straight away we have usually spent an hr or so ( sometimes even longer) just chatting in bed.. but when we are downstairs he wont do the just sit and chat thing. The tablet or his phone will take over even when we have said at the begining of the evening to not touch those devices.

When i go to bed alone i will usually just fall asleep and when i am sat on the sofa just watching something on tv that will often send me to sleep to.

Do you honestly expect him to come up to bed to lay down to sleep before he is tired enough?

Personally I find it really hard to lie down and try and sleep when I am not tired.

I actually stopped sleeping over at my parents at Christmas time because when my parents go to bed really early they expect me to as well.

Some of you saying watch tv in bed... we dont have a tv in the bedroom and dont really have anywhere to put one

we dont have a tv in the bedroom and dont really have anywhere to put one

Ours is mounted to the wall on a TV bracket. Not that I'm insisting that you have one but don't let lack of space stop you.

We've been married for 23 years and I don't think we've ever gone to bed at the same time!! I'm an early waker, so go to bed around 10 and he will often sit up until 1am or later as he doesn't sleep well. Yes most nights he wakes me, but I'm just used to it, and as he has restless legs, I always try to get a few hours sleep before he comes up. It's never been an issue, in fact when we've been on holiday or he's ill, I get really crabby and can't settle if he's in the bed too!!

Don't put a tv in the bedroom! If you love a good bedtime like you describe you can kiss those goodbye with the introduction of a tv IMO.

Would he come to bed for a bit then get back up again? It isn't going to bed in the sense of going to sleep that you want him to do, it's the "activity" bit before that; the chatting, the cuddling, the connecting. Could you pitch it to him as a pre-bed bonding activity, then when you've had your 30-45mins bedtime together he can go back to doing whatever he was doing before? It really is nice just to set aside that time at the end of the day to focus on each other.

Yabu. an adult decides when they go to bed just like you have.

YABU. He's an adult, he gets to decide his own bedtime. You'd get short Shrift from me if you were my partner.

OP my partner is a bit of a night owl so I get where you're coming from. One difference is that my DH really does need more sleep and every few weeks gets intensely irritable and knackered as it suddenly all catches up with him! He recently decided he wants an expensive golf membership so we agreed that if he starts coming to bed before midnight he can get it! it's been a few weeks but it's working so far! So we don't always go to bed at the same time but it's not so far apart now. With regards to DTD we've started having a weekly "date night" after DD has gone to bed where we have an easy to cook:heat meal, bottle of wine and head to bed super early! Funnily enough he doesn't seem to have a problem falling asleep afterwards!!!

'your too close go sit the other end of the sofa'

I think the issue is a lot more than differing bedtimes if this is the kind of shit your husband is saying to you!!!